Sarah Lazarus
@sarahclazarus
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staff writer @crookedmedia (lovett or leave it, other stuff)
los angeles
Joined January 2014
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did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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the next time everyone’s about to make a lot of money super easily could someone shoot me a text
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unfortunately we will not cover the medicine that keeps you from throwing up from pain every month. but we have a good reason! a lady ate an apple in our favorite book
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breaking: man who once refused to split the cost of plan b with me has something to say about this whole roe situation
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just fell out a 50th story window and so far so good! feels like flying. don’t be afraid of falling out of windows
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hey this is CVS. we filled your prescription. can u come pick it up in the next 17 seconds or should we light it on fire in the parking lot
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electing joe biden won’t fix everything but not electing joe biden means we never get a chance to fix anything. that’s all
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there should be a post-pandemic full service doctor where you just lie down for a three hour appointment and five people swarm around and fix you like a race car
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politely asked a DMV employee “how’s it going” and he said “just trying not to kill myself.” it is 8:08am
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no new years resolutions. it is the circumstances turn to improve
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oh no, you say your child read a book with the word “damn” in it during the break between active shooter drills? is he ok
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everyone I know with an IUD: love it! best decision of my life. also the insertion hurt so much that I passed out and saw god
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they canceled the olympics when cases weren’t this bad, please cancel eating potato in a group
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imagine boarding a flight to cancun and before you take off you get to send a few texts and ruin ted cruz’s life. a dream vacation
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regular weekend: damn hope I have time to do laundry
three day weekend: 𝓂𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝐼’𝓁𝓁 𝓌𝓇𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶 𝒷𝑜𝑜𝓀
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dealing with imposter syndrome during a pandemic is so funny. “do I even deserve to be in this google doc”
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portrait of a lady turning 30 alone in her apartment
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watch nevada walk in to report results with a huge iced coffee
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what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious month between covid waves
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found my princess diana beanie baby. how do I trade this in for a house
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one time a guy I had just started dating was on a podcast where the host asked if he was in a relationship, and after audibly panicking for a minute he said “look, if she died in a plane crash, I would be sad”
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it was very important to the founding fathers that I be allowed to bring my gun to the M&M store
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
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you can’t have an olympics with no spectators where the fastest woman is in timeout for smoking weed. that is a PE class
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can’t wait to find out how I feel about all this when I get around to processing it in 10-15 years
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ah well if it’s hard then no worries, I know you guys are busy. thanks for taking a look
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lost the popular vote, impeached, got coronavirus, lost the popular vote and the election, banned from the internet, impeached. what a run
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every day we have to wake up, confront the most upsetting shit we’ve ever seen, and then walk around obeying laws and saying “it’s tomato season”
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what if we get joe manchin and kyrsten sinema in two separate rooms and tell them the other one cracked. have we tried that
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working on a new form of government called “everyone pays taxes to dolly parton and she just kind of takes it from there”
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I’m still on the same shampoo bottle as when louis ck’s time out started
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I do not want to enter my two factor authentication code. I want to feed an apple to a horse
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all broke dudes secretly want to do comedy and all rich dudes secretly want to be president. there is exactly one man who is safe to date and if he finds or loses $5 it’s all over
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imagine baking fucked up bread ONCE when you’re in a huge rush and centuries later your descendants are still gathering once a year to discuss how fucked that bread was
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I sort of work in news now so I just want to make sure everyone has seen the mayor of minneapolis? for news reasons
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how do I set up my bank account to autopay elizabeth warren $5 every time biden yells at a woman he just licked or whatever
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(subtly sussing out whether a potential new friend has a pool) So what kind of stuff do you do at home? do you ever submerge yourself
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we may have whiffed it pretty hard on the pandemic when it was very clear what to do, but now that there are a bunch of nuances and caveats I think we’re gonna crush it
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recently mentioned I was jewish on a date and the guy went “oh I had no idea, you’re really pretty!” a true innovator in the field of not getting laid
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bipartisanship is not that hard. whenever I want to do something I just ask the worst person I’ve ever met to sign off on it. if he says no and tries to kill me, I respect that
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a democratic primary, asking it to be over
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a 10pm bedtime can mean anything. am I incredibly healthy? clinically depressed? you just don’t know. and neither do I
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biden should call an emergency press conference and say it again
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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I'm no biologist but has anyone tried sprinkling salt on steve bannon
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“jews control the media” babe a goy plays mrs. maisel
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we all laughed at “no malarkey” but have you ever seen more malarkey in your fuckin life
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don’t cry because your rights are over, smile because it is law that women smile now
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I actually don’t think twitter will change that much because 𝔼𝕝𝕠𝕟 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕜 𝕚𝕤 𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕖𝕡𝕚𝕔 𝕕𝕦𝕕𝕖 weird that’s not what I typed but 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕔𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕚𝕤 𝕞𝕪 𝕡𝕦𝕣𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖 ok hang on a minute
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require vaccines on planes. tell americans the planes are getting sick. none of us know how planes work, you can say whatever
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the notes app is NOT for apologies it is for writing down IDEAS you have in the middle of the NIGHT and the IDEA is just the word LADDER
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matt gaetz has only one path out of this mess. it is time to unveil an even older son
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How did humans make both fargo & the emoji movie this is like if beavers also built cathedrals
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matched with an LA city planner, time to flirt my way into some better sidewalks
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new york city FOREVER baby I’ll live here til I fuckin DIE no matter WHAT unless anyone in los ANGELES wants to give me a JOB I could probably be there by TUESDAY
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never sure how to comfort a male friend who gets dumped. she was better than you? you are right to be sad? what are we doing here
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do any couples want to take me apple picking this year? I am a sturdy third wheel with good eye for apples, will stare at the sun while you kiss, can fit in most trunks
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if even one bad thing happens in 2020 I will completely lose my shit
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will I understand marriage story if I haven’t seen the irishman
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boarding group C on a southwest flight? these are the artists. the renegades. oh you “set an alarm” so you would “check in on time?” tune in drop out we’re burning our draft cards in the middle seats
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the problem with ordering a nightstand is that it comes in a box that is nightstand height
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I miss walking into a store and immediately realizing it’s too fancy but pretending to look around for a few minutes for the benefit of the salesperson who already hates me by default
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a date is when one person hasn’t seen lord of the rings and the other person can’t believe it
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My Jewish high school got a bomb threat today but thankfully the police were able to assure everyone that Ivanka is a Jew
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I realize I’m still holding the baseball bat I used to smash all your car windows, but before you say anything, consider that now is the time for healing and unity
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may the families be comforted in the knowledge that the filibuster remains intact
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hearing reports that giuliani has crashed through the ceiling of the new york times with a box labeled CRIME SECRETS
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I know we’ll probably go back to the office gradually but I can’t stop imagining 50 feral people all trying to remember how to eat a salad in public
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my neighbor left lemons in front of my door and I’ve been wracking my brain about what to do with them. only nine hours later I have recalled there is a famous saying about this exact situation
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imagine being mueller and getting home today and taking off your bra
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I’m confused when does he get to his personal grievances
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jared kushner pacing back and forth in front of a google doc titled “ideas”
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Why should I, a man, pay for the healthcare of women, who are....I wanna say a type of bird??
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when I worked at american apparel in 2009 someone from corporate came to visit the store, and before she arrived my manager walked us all over to a rack of booty shorts, pointed at the photo, and said “this is her butt” so we would understand the stakes
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one more outbreak for the road
BREAKING: Trump's chief of staff, Mark Meadows, has the coronavirus. Meadows informed a close circle of advisers after the election.
Story by me,
@tylerpager
and
@MarioDParker
out soon.
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men announcing they've grown are like kids announcing they're asleep. we shouldn't be able to hear ya right now buddy
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tonight a bartender thought my ID was fake and then realized it just isn’t a driver’s license. super embarrassing for him that he thought I was underage when I am simply a 28 year old who can’t drive
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elizabeth holmes on a rollercoaster carefully screaming in a baritone
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what’s everyone planning for their quarantine anniversary? thinking about staying in
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“I saved hundreds of thousands of lives” said the president, to a crowd of people who just signed a liability waiver
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the fly high has worn off. I need a larger bug to land on someone worse
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we need to put all former new york city mayors in a park and make them run around until they’re tuckered out
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what was your favorite part of impeachment? I liked when the president got impeached
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it takes a village to force a woman to raise a child ❤️
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insane that the impeachment trial needs to be longer than “remember when you had to flee to a safe room? alright let’s take a vote”
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you can make me wait for the votes to be counted but with god as my witness you cannot make me breathe
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I know I’m supposed to turn pain into art but what if, instead, hear me out, I buy shit online
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many people just finding this and asking how I’m doing so let me go on the record here, I am doing Bad
if even one bad thing happens in 2020 I will completely lose my shit
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it’s so funny to have just two modes that are 1) golfing and 2) demanding to use the military to overturn an election
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disappointed on
@jonlovett
’s behalf but watching your boss crawl through the mud, fall out of a boat, and be the first person voted off survivor is something everyone should get to experience at least once
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need a more jewish last name so I can criticize israel without other jews crying antisemitism. thanks for nothing you ellis island hacks
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