Josh Johnson
@JoshtheSandwich
Followers
2,861
Following
1,158
Media
12,371
Statuses
77,460
Comic. Cat dad. Trekkie. sad person. As seen on Reddit/FOX/Comedy Central. Tabitha available on Apple Music.
LV-426 (Acheron)
Joined January 2011
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Covid
• 578239 Tweets
Emmy
• 187590 Tweets
梅雨明け
• 125642 Tweets
Schiff
• 122950 Tweets
The Bear
• 117615 Tweets
Peter Navarro
• 78559 Tweets
Schumer
• 46544 Tweets
Botafogo
• 38986 Tweets
#岸優太
• 35268 Tweets
Garro
• 32409 Tweets
ヌヴィレット
• 28820 Tweets
マイクロビキニ
• 27959 Tweets
Abel
• 22520 Tweets
高速回転
• 21125 Tweets
RINOs
• 20899 Tweets
#Number_iとめっちゃハワイやん
• 19503 Tweets
Paiva
• 10411 Tweets
Villarruel
• 10228 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
Choosing this time of all times to get sober was fucking stupid. I'm rawdogging the end of the world over here.
4
3
25
"You fire that bitch up yet or what??" 😂
nigga sent me a fucking hot dog machine for Christmas he gon forever piss me off
1K
18K
264K
84
12K
153K
Alien: Where am I?
Me: Earth. America.
Alien: Take me to your leader
Me: ...You sure?
Alien: Yes.
Me:
250
71K
144K
When White actors who want to say the N-word get a Tarantino script.
198
23K
72K
Seeing a server bring a sizzling fajita plate to another table wishing I had ordered the sizzling fajita plate
73
2K
35K
Jonathan Majors after he sees no one is buying that video
10
363
4K
*sees All Time Low trending*
YOU GOT ME POPPIN CHAMPAGNE!
6
584
2K
I can't imagine being a shorts cop and having this be part of my day. Look at my shorts. I clearly didn't sign up for this shit.
Houston police officers stand outside the house in Clear Lake City, where Andrea Yates drowned her 5 children.
402
2K
66K
6
34
1K
My homie used Uber Eats to order two Little Caesars pizzas one time and I've never been more confused about someone's financial situation.
4
72
848
@WildCougConfess
@BurkeDenn13
whole family gets massacred because someone got their ps4 taken away.
0
277
615
@millyybby
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information, lady that shows up in everyone's replies eventually
0
1
607
@dippdncurls
@Mayberrykush
Red gives me headaches tho. Plus when you plan on drinkin the whole bottle healthy isn't really a factor lol.
1
16
489
Congrats to Donald Glover on becoming the new head of the Gambino crime family
16
64
448
Trying to join an anti-Black Little Mermaid group on Facebook. Wish me luck, you guys.
27
41
362
@nbc4i
@bryancurtis
How could you tell it was aimed at the protesters? The meaning of the song is buried in so many layers of subtly.
2
3
349
@DolanYums
@RonFunches
no one wishes for a straight son either. They wish for a happy son, bitch.
1
2
319
Everyone: Who should be king?
Tyrion: Good question...since the throne got destroyed it should be somebody with a chair.
Bran: I come with a chair.
Tyrion: All hail Bran the Broken!
4
35
342
This tweet did pretty okay so lemme just say PLEASE don't forget about Atatiana Jefferson. She was murdered by a cop a few blocks away from me last year in her own home. mans been indicted but don't let em let him off the hook because we stopped paying attention.
1
63
295
Black w/Toy gun: dead
Black w/No gun: dead
White Massacre at theater: alive
White Massacre at church: alive
http://t.co/5KUHbaP3no
6
834
291
I've heard him called A LOT of things on Twitter but never Drip Bayless.
.
@ShannonSharpe
: "You got your bling bling, you're drippin out here."
@RealSkipBayless
: "They call me Drip Bayless. That's what they call me on Twitter." 🤣🤣💪
692
13K
38K
25
34
281
@fatttkattt
@dippdncurls
@Mayberrykush
Sorry, I'm what you would call "emotionally dead inside". Always nice to meet fellow alcoholics tho.🍷
2
20
279
@RonFunches
Also wrong, first rule of comedy is bring your own sack lunch as one will not be provided for you.
3
5
249
When I get knocked down in Fortnite and the motherfucker expects me to attempt to crawl away but I won't give them the satisfaction
4
44
243
My nigga harden looking like the king of autumn lol
1
53
239
If you're horny
Don't do it
Read
Your bible
-Ginuwine, youth pastor
2
19
237
If you sang Cute Without the "E" with a friend you both had established parts to sing, right?...right?
22
12
232
Hot take: the x-men film franchise being a disjointed mess where the timeline is fucked beyond repair makes it the most comic book accurate franchise in existence.
4
23
222
Kid Rock is the official soundtrack of losing a custody battle
7
28
205
Science: Did you know men think about sex every seven seconds?
Me: you mean suicide
Science: ...what?
Me: nothing
1
20
200
Doc: Can't give you xanax. You're flagged as an addict.
Jenelle: BUT THAT WAS HEROIN!
Doc: Hahahah...oh okay. Still no tho.
#TeenMom2
7
60
200
Ducky isn't fuckin around.
Hey
@senatemajldr
I’m going to make it my mission to make
@ewarren
the next Senate Majority leader.
Unless of course, she’s the Vice President.
361
2K
18K
7
14
193
I have more pictures of my dick on my phone than I do of family members. By like a wide margin.
2
49
177
Possibly hot take: LET JORDAN PEELE HAVE A GO AT STAR TREK.
Jordan Peele spoke about what it was like working with
@Lupita_Nyongo
on
#UsMovie
!
#ColliderFYC
#ArclightFYC
1
28
120
7
19
190
Therapist: Maybe try meeting stable people?
Me: They're called "horses" not "stable people", Doc. Where's your degree from again?
3
59
174
When you drunk as fuck and listening to your friend's story at Taco Bell after the bar.
http://t.co/SUnngoWRCr
5
80
179
Wanna feel old? Dan Nainan was 35 20 years ago. (And every year since)
1
22
160
Logitech finding out they're trending because someone used one of their gaming controllers to pilot a water coffin for rich people.
4
40
175
Hahaha that ain't muscle definition it's time falling off your weary bones you straight up weird.
Marvel artist Mike Deodato throws shade at Namor's physique in
#BlackPantherWakandaForever
717
541
16K
4
16
165
Dear White Friends,
I am selling a service this holiday season. For 50 bucks I will sit across from your most racist relative and dare them to say shit.
3
26
164
BTW: If you're in the DFW area and hankerin for some Q. Check out my Dad's business No Sauce Needed
11
21
154
@taylormcneeley
I don't know much but I know booze and sadness. Also every line of dialogue from every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
2
16
153
Update: not having a heart attack but ekg was not great. I was asked if I do cocaine...I don't but I'm flattered they thought I was cool/financially stable enough to
Chest pains getting worse so headed to the ER. If I don't make it just know this place sucked and I will be demanding a refund from who ever runs this shitshow.
8
0
39
16
8
150
When you walk into the strip club and all the dancers are wearing nothing but I Voted stickers.
0
26
147
I mean....is that too many? I don't know how many decomposing bodies a funeral home should be holding on to but they're definitely in the right place.
The decomposing bodies of 31 people along with the cremated remains of 16 were discovered by officers inspecting a funeral home in Indiana, police said Saturday.
19
47
69
6
11
137
@BurkeDenn13
just because your dad is sitting at the table doesn't mean he's ever been there. Your tweet makes that abundantly clear.
1
26
124
Dear children,
Lola Bunny will be in this one too. Good luck spending you life sorting that shit out.
3
22
131
Never got why people were so mad at Lance Armstrong I mean yeah he cheated but he cheated at bike racing
9
14
126
When I was in middle school there was a skating rink in Arlington that would turn into a nightclub for 12-17 year olds called "Club Skatium". That shit was wild. It was just kids dancin, smoking weed outside, and fuckin in the bathrooms. It was like that island in Pinocchio
5
5
129
"Of course I brought protection. I got my lucky condom. I've used it like EVERY TIME. 0 babies.Rinse and reuse, baby."
#waystomakesexawkward
6
228
131
I saw that the "Emancipation Proclamation" was trending and for a split second I thought I was going to read that Trump was trying to reverse it because this timeline is fucked up enough for him to pull something like that.
16
20
120
Me: I found you, Ms. New Booty!
Her: umm...it's Mrs. New Booty now
Me: Oh...I didn't know. I'm glad you found someone :)
*stuffs ring box back into pocket and walks away*
Me: Stupid stupid stupid. OF COURSE she's married now, Josh...
0
19
126
George RR Martin looks like he should be on the bottle of some sort of Cajun sauce
4
22
122
Oh god why is Marvin Harrison trending!?...he's right behind me isn't he? Tell my mom I love her.
4
8
116
You think you have a stupid pointless job? Imagine being the person who fills Swisher Sweets with tobacco.
1
20
117
#IfIDieInPoliceCustody
they'll probably try to paint me as "thug" on the news. Show them this please. I'm a dork.
http://t.co/YqsC4gYLzG
3
48
110
They're about to pull Juul off the market. I don't use Juul but I know if they're going down Vuse ain't far behind em. Put the kettle on, Camel. Looks like I'm coming home.
12
7
117
I refuse to play Stray until I can face scan my cat like he's starting a 2K myplayer career
2
14
116
Nancy Pelosi pulling up to her first meeting tomorrow
0
15
109
Fuckin. Legend.
Yes, Sisqo performed 'Thong Song' at his own wedding reception.
87
1K
2K
1
50
103
When its your last day on a job and you tell everyone in the break room that you've been the one eating people's food from the fridge
0
48
101
Imagine watching him come in once a month to fuck everything up and be in the way and you can't say shit about it.
1
7
108
Don Lemon's office is covered in motivational quotes from Uncle Ruckus
1
94
95
Bro they keep making this shit about them and it just ain't smh. Arrest the cops that kill Breonna goddamn.
4
35
101
"Pretty heavy scene here, Sarge. Permission to go change into pants?"
0
0
98
@BroderickGreer
@deray
Same for mine. First time I saw my mom's birth certificate I thought it was short hand for "Negro Android" which made my nerdy ass excited.
2
4
92
Yo, just had a flashback to the time in 10th grade where a white substitute teacher walked into my english class and wrote "nigger" on the whiteboard in huge letters. He was like "Does ANYONE know what this word actually means?"
I said "that this is your last day teaching?"
5
3
91
My show "Shaq Mirror" has not been picked up by Netflix. I was sure people wanted to see bizarre tales that explore how we've become too overly dependent on Shaquille O'neal in our everyday lives. I need time to process this.
1
13
92
Jesus MRAs are the most fragile motherfuckers oh the planet.
4
22
84
He's so goddamn real for that
Billy Dee Williams on if he would return as Lando:
“Pay me a lot of money and I'll sell my soul.”
(Source: )
310
1K
25K
1
8
89