Jake Mattera
@JakeMattera
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3,180
Following
916
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807
Statuses
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‘A Soft One’ Available Everywhere | Lil Stinkers | Stand-Up Guys
Philadelphia
Joined February 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Here’s my full special for free. Share it with 15 friends or something bad will happen.
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Anyone in Philly able to help me flip my car back to right side up? I didn’t realize there’s a few more games left.
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My 5-year-old walked in on me sleeping with my CPAP on and in the most sincere voice said “Dad, you look like ET when he died.”
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Thoughts and prayers for Santa, who suffered a season-ending knee injury.
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Please for the love of God: We need a horse impression spinoff series.
Shane Gillis preps his monologue for Saturday!
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New headshot, who dis?
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This dude definitely has dice in his pocket.
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Last night, at 8:41 PM, my microwave died suddenly. Please respect my privacy during this time.
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Kim Kardashian wearing Marilyn Monroe’s dress was cool but it would’ve been way more exciting if she wore her skin.
#MetGala
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What if I told you that I just bought my dream ride with just the $$$ I made selling Herbalife???
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🔥🔥🔥
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Last night was Incredible!Thank you
@HeliumComedy
for the opportunity to record an album.Thanks to all my family, friends, comics & enemies for selling it out.Biggest thanks goes to my amazing wife for being so loving & supportive.Thank you for a special night I’ll never forget!
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Currently listening to Quicksand at Goodwill looking for the most revealing shorts I can find. Get home safe brother
Damn, just sat at my gate from 5am until American canceled my flight just now. I have no idea when I’m going home.
@JakeMattera
is filling in for me on
@dadmeatcast
so go have a good time with them later.
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Demetri Martin is as funny and as kind as they come. His new hour is great. Show at Parx was a lot of fun.
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Scientists are learning so much about the black hole. Did you know it used to be in a band?
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Imagine being a flight attendant and the Captain orders you to duct-tape Mike Tyson to his chair.
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Honored to be on
@dadmeatcast
with the boys. Joking with
@mikerainey82
and watching
@timbutterly
transform into the rising phoenix that he is brings me absolute joy.
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I haven’t seen lines like this since Taco Bell served Breakfast.
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Seems like they were OnlyKidding
OnlyFans reversed its decision to ban explicit content days after the move sparked backlash from creators who were beginning to leave the platform.
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My comedy album “A Soft One” is out everywhere today. Please buy it. If you don’t want to spend money but still want to support you can: Share a link to buy it, write a review on iTunes/Amazon.
Thank you to
@HeliumPresents
for putting this out.
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Just heard the news of someone throwing a cake at the Mona Lisa. I can’t believe someone would ruin one of the worlds most beautiful pieces of art by chucking it at a dumb painting.
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Me, on trash day whenever the garbage truck pulls up in front of my house:
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Just learned Philly set a new record for carjackings. Glad someone finally beat the previous carjacking record holder.
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My debut album “A Soft One” comes out June 25th. Pre-Order Available Now!
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I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.
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Maybe if we all combine our drink tickets we can save JFL?
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Pumped as hell to be recording my album at
@HeliumComedy
! Sunday April 18th 7pm. Hope you can make it.
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🎵Spider-Man, Spider-Man, visits his dad when he’s on the can🎵
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Shoutout Sam Aman who perfectly captured the fear in my eyes after becoming trapped in a foam pit at Skyzone. Blown away by his talent and my immense lack of dignity. Check out his Stuff:
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Imagine the pressure of having to plan Andrew W.K.’s bachelor party.
.
@AndrewWK
and Kat Dennings (
@OfficialKat
) announce their engagement shortly after going public
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No Fourth of July parade would be complete without a visit from the Sons of Narcanarchy
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Gene Simmons called Prince's death "pathetic." This coming from a 66-year-old who applies clown paint every time he plays bass.
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Look, i don’t normally believe in conspiracies but I got the booster shot and a few hours later this 5G microchip fell out of my belly button. 👀
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Here's a reenaction of when my 2 year old with a stomach bug decided to sneeze into my mouth.
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The only reason schools teach cursive is so that kids can read neck tattoos.
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Time flies when you're having fun. So make it last. Don't have fun.
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Thinking about starting a barbershop quartet with all the voices in my head.
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Happy Valentine’s Day! Life Hack: Give the perfect gift without leaving the house!
#valentines
#valentinesgift
#love
#giftideas
@TUMSOfficial
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Guest: I’d like to schedule a wake up call.
Hotel manager: Say less.
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Last night was such a blast! Thank you
@PrestonSteve933
for having me & all that you do for the community.
#CampOutForHunger
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Yo that’s DB* Cooper.
(*=Dole Banana)
Dude in a banana costume on 5am flight from Denver to St. Louis. 🤷♀️🍌
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Looks like Gritty is getting a promotion...
OFFICIAL: The Flyers organization has decided to relieve Ron Hextall of his duties as Executive Vice President and General Manager.
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One of the greatest weekends I’ve ever had. Thank you
@BrianReganComic
,
@NotSteveRogers
, and
@HeliumComedy
for an amazing time.
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Damn dude. How blessed are we?! Subscribe to
@timbutterly
’s channel to see what he and
@DubzDanny
have cooked up.
Here’s the first episode of my new show Field Trippin’. My boys and I worked very hard to try and instill some joy in your heart. We have 7 more eps coming and we’re only just getting started.
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Incredible night at the Campout for Hunger! Got to open for one of my heroes
@attell
!! Thanks,
@PrestonSteve933
for making
#CampOutForHunger
feel like Make-A-Wish!
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HE READY
I’m proud to announce I’m doing a theater tour in 2023. Today you can buy tickets using the code SGlive
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Mike is at the Danelo Calvacante press conference. Going live from the lil stinkers YouTube. God I hope he’s wearing the dunce helmet.
@mikerainey82
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Wow! Thanks
@PrestonSteve933
for plugging my
@punchlinephilly
show tonight & thanks
@tomhanks
for texting in to support a local comic. You’re the real hero. Come see this 🔥 lineup!
@MaryRadzinski
,
@DJamesComedy
,
@MegGoetzMoney
,
@ErikTerrellTime
, &
@johnkensil
!
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