It is rare that my job is legitimately fun, but today I get to take the deposition of a person who does not know that I know that they are trying to hide $821,539 in a bank account that they didn’t disclose in their court affidavits.
The courage I just showed pretending to not know who Sidney Sweeney was when my wife was trying to pick a brain dead movie for us to go watch since the kids are out could rival anything a fireman has ever done
To any of you that have ever used the term sports ball just understand that Angel Hernandez retiring is for us like the day Henry Kissinger finally kicked it
We are telling dad stories tonight
I swear to god the following two stories about my step dad are true:
1- I asked him once when was the last time he shaved his mustache was because I’ve known him since 1996 and he said “never, started growing it at 14 and only trimmed since”
My hetero male friends have never rallied around a gossip story before like they have the Kate story. It’s wild.
So let’s be serious. There are 3 realistic possibilities:
2- we played band hero at thanksgiving at
@WAForeskins
house when it was a new craze. He belted out war pigs with a voice none of us knew he had. Someone said “I can’t believe you could see the lyrics on the tv from that angle” as he was sitting to the side. He said “what lyrics”
@WAForeskins
3- My mom looked at him on their third date and said if you want to meet my kids, if you’re really as into me as you say, you’ll quit smoking. He had smoked two packs a day for 25 years. He snuffed it out and hadn’t had one since.
In law school one of the first cases you learn about is that you can’t set a spring gun in an abandoned cabin because people shouldn’t be summarily executed for trespassing
Texas Gov Abbott has installed circular saws between the Rio Grande border buoys to maim or kill anyone who attempts to climb over. Two bodies have already been found trapped in the floating barrier.
He wants more migrants to die.
1- she is done with the family. She hit her Diana breaking point and is like fuck you guys I know my refusing to be seen is causing chaos, enjoy it. Maybe your son shouldn’t have cheated abused etc
2- she was abused, badly, and can’t appear, needed facial surgery some worst case scenario stuff
3- she is sick and dying, this is all totally innocent and they’re just handling it terribly
This is the correct use of privilege. For very obvious reasons many cross sections of society couldn’t speak this way to a cop (and shouldn’t for their own safety). But it’s *imperative* that people who can embarrass them do just that
@joey_pittsburgh
She has the maturity and confidence to simply say “that is a man I’d like to ride like a carnival attraction” whereas I am a dishonest coward
I got the vaxx the moment I was eligible with no hesitation. Because I trust a company like Pfizer to act in its own greedy self interest and there is a ZERO % chance they would risk a trillion dollar class action suit by releasing something that they weren’t certain would work.
student walkout at Duke university commencement as Jerry Seinfeld’s speech is announced. his introduction by university president is being drowned out by “free free Palestine” chants ❤️🔥🇵🇸
My son was born at 29 weeks and I wasn’t sure I’d ever see him do normal things. Today he threw a no hitter. I’m crying 4 hours later and I don’t care. Fucking let’s gooooo.
I know I never shut the fuck up about this (I hate me too) but these pictures were taken one year apart. If you need to lose weight, or if like me you were on deaths door, just start. Stop waiting.
Just know that somewhere right now, Lin Manuel Miranda is writing some thing that will make the Covid celebrity Imagine video look like bridge on the fucking river Kwai
@BethLynch2020
The “vote for the nominee no matter who it is” line is like telling someone allergic to shellfish that because the store was out of chicken and turkey they really have no choice but to intentionally pick something that will harm them
Casey Anthony is at Disney, caked up. Ironic, because her daughter never got a Disney birthday cake. I’m Lester holt and this … is dateline. Now here’s Andrea Canning with “From Covered Up to Caked Up”
I have been watching these to try to figure out how to put change in a meter for five minutes and it is the most suburban, Rich, Boston, white woman thing I’ve ever seen
@DoctorHugePenis
“Never heard of these two clowns but it’s probably a good way to kill two hours” I say as I bite my tongue so hard blood runs down the back of my throat
If you are a fan of the righteous gemstones, and in particular
@tim_baltz
you need to watch this video my wife just sent me during her commute home. Sometimes you just have to blade to clear your head.
Another think piece that wonders aloud why the first generation who has grown up fully aware the American dream is a myth has decided to stop playing their part in said myth
@robrousseau
Dems one month ago: the convention matters. Just because Bernie might have a plurality of delegates is not the end of the story.
Dems today: Drop out now with 50% of primaries remaining and national polling showing a dead heat.
Last year I weighed -195 lbs more than I do today. I just walked/jogged with my baby boy for 70 minutes after dinner. Im grateful going into tomorrow for my health, my family and all of my friends including the many of you who I’ll never meet but love joking with each day.
My son hugged me good night and screamed “omg I can get my arms all the way around you now” and it was top five moments of my life. If you’re ready to do something about your health, start tomorrow morning. Don’t wait another day.
I just told Mrs ham that I’ve wanted a denim jacket for a while now, perhaps even to wear a hoodie under. She’s referring to this as a “situation” and texting all her friends. Why can’t dudes just be allowed to rock?
My late grandfather rightfully couldn’t stand my father (his son in law). But my dad came home one day with a haircut so poorly executed he said “Bob I am not a violent man but you give me the name of the son of a bitch who gave you that haircut and ill handle it.”
Terrence Howard explains why he's suing CAA (Creative Artists Agency), and says he's owed $120 million because of a package deal CAA had with Fox, which resulted in him getting paid $325,000 an episode for "Empire," while the "The Big Bang Theory" cast was paid $2 million to $3