The Amos with the Pearl Earring and 2xMRI survivor
@WAForeskins
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Worlds biggest fan of @seacretsusa . rip to rodg, greek, Eddie Murray sparkles, sodburger, arrjaytootoo, Athens grease, , and Gamby. I hope they’re happy!! 😀
Joined February 2013
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Pinned Tweet
girl you must be a build a bear because I would drive an hour to the good mall then wait in line another two hours just to see you get stuffed
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My girlfriend shouldn’t have to sit in a car seat
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Madison Cawthorn committed so hard to the fake military service bit he even married someone he barely knew and was divorced by the time he was 26.
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I hope this game ends soon kids in Boston have school tomorrow
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At a baseball game:
Idiot: Hey Fernandez! You suck!
Me; standing up, taking off my sunglasses; actually sir, he has created 2.7 more wins than the average major league player
Extremely hot woman: Wow!
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Serious question; how come in the year of my lord 2021 there isn’t a button to fully pop the hood of a car like the trunk instead you have to jam your fingers in there and try to find the little car clit
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@crosspatchcap
@sports_by_stats
Maybe he meant he didn’t get gifts from people who weren’t trying to exploit him
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@xTalesOfThe
@DanMoffTarkin
@johnplumstead
Real turtle kid never would have grown up to be some loser finance bro
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@BauerOutage
You gonna talk about the concussion and bloody eyes you gave the other lady or nah?
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When I woke up this morning i didn’t think I would have intimate knowledge of interest rates on Camaros, mustangs, and dodge Chargers
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@TheRedHeadWrite
@wapplehouse
@cityafreaks
I think it’s perfect for NC. Appeal to no one in particular so no one is happy.
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Why no statement on rick moranis
I’m happy to report that Jill and I have tested negative for COVID. Thank you to everyone for your messages of concern. I hope this serves as a reminder: wear a mask, keep social distance, and wash your hands.
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Can’t fail business idea: a chain of stores called “Dads R Up” which are only open from 5am-7:30am on Saturday’s and only sell half a newspaper, coffee, and a six pack of sesame bagels with your choice of one schmear
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@HykeyFit
If you weren’t recording yourself at the gym you’d probably be able to run instead of just walking on the treadmill
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Gen Xers act all tough but the second they hear “the rainbow connection” sung by a puppet frog it drops them to a god damn knee
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@IsaacSJ408
Thousands of people thinking: can he really be that racist if he throws the ball to Michael Thomas that much?
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hey at least she died doing what she loved
watching the police shoot an unarmed person
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If you:
a) do not work
b) have a nanny
c) have a maid
It should be a felony to brag about how much you exercise
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@sprots_fan
Can’t quite explain this but I’m 100% sure that guy inherited wealth from his parents and has never had to work
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@FletcherFoxYT
@InsomniacDoggo
@VYIDAE
Love waiting in line at a Chik fil a for 45 minutes each day to eat a plain chicken sandwich to make imaginary people mad
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@theDetroitJames
@JRFegan
White straight guy seeing 1% of society might not be catered to him
“NoBodY ActUallY CarEs!”
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@GalacticSpecter
@bornposting
I still think it should have ended right here at this moment and been one of the best hours of tv ever
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“Your screen time was down 8% this week (oh good) to an average of 19 hours and 35 minutes per day (oh my god)”
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When my grandmother died she had very bad Alzheimer’s and the last thing she ever said to me was “who the fuck is this?” and that is objectively hilarious
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Didn’t know what to get my wife this year so I gave her a coupon where I would do the dishes for one (1) night. She liked it so much she started crying and drove to her sisters house to tell her.
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Ms
@laurenboebert
would you like to go see this with me my treat
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Being friends with religious people is weird because they’ll be like “I believe in my heart you’re going to hell want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings for some apps?”
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reading Lindsay Graham has a cluster of large moles on his taint he refers to as his “ladybugs” just dropped me to a knee
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@kenbone18
Sorry people hurt your feelings, Ken. I hope this doesn’t affect who you vote for to be the most powerful person in the world.
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therapist: these people you keep calling your best friends...I’m sorry, but are they...real?
me: [pulls out phone and logs into ] yeah look there is garyfusili, tiny oranges, turd guy, Freeman, wenis, dirt, chid, kate, fendi hotdogbun, Juan, jorts, same sa
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@Rob_Motto
@90sWWE
“Me and the other 9 year olds weren’t pussies” is the funniest thing I’ll see on here all day.
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BREAKING: NBC has cancelled the Apprentice after 17 seasons
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Guy who invented popcorn ceilings watching a 72 straight hours of home renovation shows and walking into traffic
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Probably multiple times a day while you’re driving, walking through a store or just living your life someone who doesn’t even know you looks at you and thinks to themselves “look at this fuckin idiot.”
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is anyone else starting to actively hate people not wearing masks in public places where it’s very difficult to distance?
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@aubrey_huff
@realDonaldTrump
This is true; My son who is 6”5” in the second grade was forced to wear a bra on earth day by his teacher who is a man; why is a man teaching kids anyway
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Doing my annual get sloppy and overly emotionally wasted off of two or three white claws;
fave and I’ll tell you how I feel about you if I’m still conscious
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I don’t think you should be able to call yourselves the Oathkeepers when every member is 15 months behind on child support
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@RepJayapal
@SonarJose
After what happened with the capitol police this week I’m not sure the nuclear code isn’t “password1”
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@robertkelly
This is really going to confuse the people who cry about “cancel culture” being out of control
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wife is on the way home from work and in the worst mood I’ve ever heard her in so time to try out some new bits I’ve been workshopping
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@DefectorMedia
Will there be a star system for commenting? A comment ninja? Are we bringing back all the hits??
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Dying about her telling her friends she married the dilbert guy at her high school graduation
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the most freeing thing my therapist ever said was “you don’t have to follow them on twitter just because you commented with them on a sports blog 12 years ago” and I really felt that
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Months ago I got a custom half sleeve tattoo.
A few weeks pass and I notice the artist posted a picture of the exact same tattoo on a woman’s arm.
I went back a few months later and told him I saw a woman got the same thing.
He said “are you fucking with me? That’s your arm.”
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“Saturdays are for the toys” your wife gleefully moans as its the only way she can reach orgasm since you’re the kind of guy that reads barstool
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@ShaunKing
Shaun, asking Riley Cooper the same question three times in a row doesn’t count as research.
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@jdavidgoodman
On top of everything else, interesting use of time for Child Protective Services who typically have a lot of free time.
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@BraunStrowman
A real feel good story about how if you’re 6’8” and have an endless supply of performance enhancing drugs you can always find work
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I’m already missing when Nathan fielder just had a little show on Comedy Central and we didn’t need to psycho analyze and run a 45 minute comedy show with people who sign consent forms through the morality ringer
ok lol nathan fielder (and tim and eric!) ARE exploitative and 100% should be criticized for it. they play around in murky waters and they always have. that’s what makes their work interesting and funny but it should absolutely be criticized and that criticism is always valid.
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Guy trying to get attention on twitter:
Did anyone else use to tip their mom 25% every time she cooked dinner or is that just something New Yorkers do?
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It’s being reported Rush Limbaugh asked for a mirror right before he passed so he could go doing what he loved:
watching people with medical bills die
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well well well if it isn’t all the personal and professional things you have been saying you would deal with after the holidays since November 1st.
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@GathererSkull
To prove you’re not scared you should stay there for a week and record yourself trying out some restaurants, going to a show, and stuff like that.
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