Hae Ji Cho
@HaeJi_Cho
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Korean Brazilian American creative 🎬 || spooked and sentimental human || Would-be Ramen Heiress || IG: @hjichan
Joined November 2020
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Pinned Tweet
Internet friendships are so special ‘cause you can grow so attached to someone whose real name you don’t even know. You’re just like, “I trust you with my life, MILFhunter1993”
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respectfully, how do I block this fucking hippo from my timeline
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I knew it was never going to work with my ex. I wanted kids someday and he has an enormous head
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Getting a single like on a tweet: "son of a bitch, I've done it again"
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It doesn’t matter how sexy a bra is, putting it on will still make me feel like a sausage putting on my little sausage casing
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Better Call Saul showing us a close up of 40-some yr old Aaron Paul as 20-something Jesse Pinkman like
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A guy who I hadn’t talked to since high school came out of the woodworks to ask for my body measurements, so uhm… how do I talk him out of making me into a skin suit?
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Overpriced trendy restaurants will create cardamom romanesco with toasted quinoa and confit duck but act like they’ve never heard of salt
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I’ve accidentally conditioned my brain into thinking that “yum” goes for anything positive. Found decent street parking? Yum. Found out your childhood bully is balding? Yum yum yum.
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If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They're out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
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Sometimes I think I understand my boyfriend but then I ask him, “How many rats do you think live in the NYC subway tunnels?” and that dude answers with, “At least 15.”
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It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
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My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
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Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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The hair gods have blessed me today with fluffy hair and have thus made me *unstoppable*
In unrelated news, I got out of bed at 1pm today ✨
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What they don’t tell you about being Brazilian is that we must all attract at least one human sacrifice to the motherland. Only then will our national duty be fulfilled and our souls be freed. Anyway, come to Brazil!
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Me waking up: “This dream is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. I will never forget it.”
Me 20 mins later: “goddammit”
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Speaker to a crowd: “Listen up, everyone…”
Me (whispering): “Omg, that’s me.”
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I wish I could start breakdancing every time I tripped and fell
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Me watching a film that takes place in 1917: Wow that’s a long time ago, like… *tries to do math with my visual media arts education* Like a long time ago.
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The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
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I hope I’m never so respected that people just trust I know what I’m doing if they see me wearing crocs. No, my dude. That’s a call for help. Roast me.
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I love being an adult because I’d rather pay taxes than ask my mom to drive me to a filthy date she will ask me about for the next 6 months
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Sometimes you just gotta trust that nature knows what it does. I’m short, so I can only perform flying kicks on young children and stools. If I were taller, I’d be doing flying kicks to enter rooms, to punish foes, to greet friends…
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Me: (staring at little plants)
Friend: “They like it when you talk to them. You should try it :)”
Me (to plants): “Grow faster.”
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Me: “I should really water these plants before I forget again.”
Me 10 hours later: “Wow, the history of buttons from 400 BC to 1956 is truly fascinating. Glad I took this whole day to look into that and absolutely nothing else.”
Plants: 🔪🔪🔪
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Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
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New hobby: Removing followers like I’m catapulting them out of my clown fort
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Me: “I don’t understand hoarders. I would never.”
Friend: “Don’t you keep 400 tabs open on your iPhone web browser at all times?”
Me: “I’M GONNA NEED THOSE, ALRIGHT??”
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“I take a long time to warm up to others,” says woman who can’t drive 10 minutes behind the same car without emotionally connecting with its car face
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Me when I need reassurance about something I’ve done: (mumbling quietly) “Critics are raving about it”
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Love pretending that I’m a mermaid when I’m swimming in the ocean, then immediately shattering that illusion by coming out of the water with 500 lbs of sand in my crotch
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My brain in a social setting: “Don’t be an asshole, don’t be an asshole, don’t be an asshole”
The rest of my being: “BUT STORY IS CONFLICT, BABY”
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Me every time I watch an American actor play a British character: “I know your secret”
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Can’t believe I wasted my teen years going to school and taking up hobbies instead of allocating that precious time to repeatedly watching Point Break, a movie in which beautiful wet men with great hair wear crop tops
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Me: “Look into the eyes of those around us. Go on. Look at them! It’s the look of fear. It’s a fear of mortality… but don’t you see? They are so afraid of dying, they forgot how to live.”
Bf: “FINE. I’ll never ask you to come to the gym with me again.”
Me: “Cool, thanks.”
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Tried sleeping earlier to wake up earlier but turns out I have no problem sleeping 18 hours
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Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
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I know my brother sucked all the charisma and good looks out of the gene pool bc our parents’ friends meet us by greeting him with “Gorgeous!! He’s like a prince!!!” then turn to me and go “Oh yes, hello"
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Anyone: *slips into my DMs expecting fun and games*
Me: “Welcome to our private session! We may commence by going over all of your childhood trauma. This will take approximately 2 weeks.”
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Me at a Michelin star restaurant: “I believe that the fennel emulsion disrupts the harmony of an otherwise astounding dish.”
Me eating a corn dog: “AMAZING. NO NOTES.”
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“Why does he sound Italian? Isn’t he Gree… Greecian? Gree…cian? From Greece? He’s Greecian.”
“Greek.”
“Oh, like the yogurt.”
“Right. Like the yogurt.”
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Me to two tweets that are doing well on the same day: “okay, now fight”
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Nothing indicates a parent’s full faith that their baby will live long enough to be middle aged like naming their baby Howard
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
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People in Western countries ask Asian people to translate their names like “Tiffany” is somehow going to be translated to “wise lotus flower.” Bitch, it’s Tiffany.
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Me: “Why do your leaves look like that?”
Plants: “thirsty”
Me: (waters it)
Plants: “or was it too much water?”
Me: “what”
Plants: 🪦
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Me gaining consciousness: “Where am I?”
Gym manager: “You came to our gym to sign up for a membership…”
Me: “hah no, I’d never do that.”
GM: “…but, instead, you suddenly did a 180 out the door so fast that your blood pressure dropped and you collapsed.”
Me: “Okay, that tracks.”
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Friend after saying 78 times over the course of a single dinner that we are on the verge of techno feudalism: “Why do you look anxious?”
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Freudian nightmare aside, people who make their kids juniors and still sleep with their spouses have insane compartmentalization skills
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I’m glad I live in the age of Google because, otherwise, my friends would spend all day receiving pigeon mail from me like, “Did humans baby bird their toothless babies in the beginning of time?”
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Me: “Don’t worry. I can take care of myself.”
Friend: “You’ve gotten self-defense training?”
Me, a graduate of 463 hours of true crime shows: “Sorry, a what?”
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True crime show: “Stay with us as we solve the mystery of who murdered Keri Ann.”
Me: “It was the husband.”
True crime show: “Or was it??”
Me:
True crime show: “Ok, yes it was”
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I need my friends to text me back so the period in which I forget to answer them for three weeks can commence as soon as possible
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Me: “Just think about it!”
Friend: “I don’t know… it doesn’t seem like a great investment.”
Me under a mountain of penguins: “Investment?”
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I was spooked to find out that there’s a ghost at the school where I take pottery classes, but it finally hit me… there is a GHOST in my POTTERY class. Mother of God, this ghost is hilarious.
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Imagine dating someone who’s totally aggro. Ugh, as if I had the time to stop my entire day for you to pick a fight with a bush you ran into. I have my own bushes to fight, buddy
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Boyfriend at the toe poking out of the hole in my sock: “You look like you are in Charles Dickens novel.”
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I could lead a peaceful existence but the chances that I will overwhelm myself by opening a bag of chips and feeling the vibe of each individual chip are astronomical
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Me: “No matter how depressed I feel, I can always turn to writing for comfort.”
Writing:
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you know how humiliating it is to have Spotify Freemium? you think you have good taste then realize you've been going hard to the jingle of an insurance ad
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A number of weeks ago, my boyfriend was like, “Have you heard about how Ezra Miller is terrorizing Hawaii?” and I was like um excuse me, what?? So now he just gives me weekly updates on this like I’m the president or something.
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“VEGAS, BABY!!”
“We are here for a funeral.”
“Oh… ᵛᵉᵍᵃˢ, ᵇᵃᵇʸ”
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My mom gets upset that I don’t open the hundreds of links she sends me every week but, when I do, it’s typically something like “30 Exercises to Keep Your Vagina Extra Tight”
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Picture me expressing my deep sadness through dance. No, more spaghetti arms.
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Me crawling out of the sewers and onto Twitter: “I’m ready to win you all over”
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I don’t think I’m ready for a pet right now but, every once in a while, something comes along that makes me reconsider
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Me talking about the greatest love I’ve ever known and it’s about a toothless 90 year old woman (miss you, grandma)
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doctor’s office: we have your test results. Can you hold?
me: sure
d.o.: *plays Toxic by Britney Spears*
me: I don’t have a good feeling about this
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Blumhouse needed interns who could drive so they could run errands, so I lied and said I had a license. I got to LA a week before my start date, learned how to drive, got my license, and started the internship. I got into a minor accident on my first errand. No regrets.
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Was on the road in the middle of nowhere last night when I came across a sign that said, “If you are not seen, you are not remembered” with a phone number at the bottom. WHAT IS THE NUMBER FOR THOUGH?
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the middle school mean girl to HR middle management pipeline makes no sense until you remember that weaponizing vulnerability to enforce establishment standards is HR's actual job
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Sorry I’ve been MIA lately. Been trying to crack this guy’s identity.
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Could single handedly keep toothpaste companies afloat with my love of garlic
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When I used to go out with my cousins, they used to say, “You HAVE to take your ID. Otherwise they won’t be able to identify your body if you die in the streets.” Like bro, I thought we were going to Haagen Dazs.
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Me when stressed: *completes tasks flawlessly*
Me when happy: *accidentally spills water everywhere*
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I once told my mom that I got really mad at some dog because it tried to have sex with my doggo, then she said “how do you think we feel about your boyfriends?” Shut me right up.
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POV: you are Sasquatch. Your fans, some of the dumbest humans on the planet, won’t stop dying from exposure in your woods. Your forest creature neighbors are starting to find this a nuisance. Do you:
A. Throw an apology rager
or
B. Pay off some fungi to get rid of the problem
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What's something about yourself that drives you a lil bananas or full-on annoys you?
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Being a muse is cool and all, but I don’t want to BE this dude’s Summer 2022 fashion collection
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Grand army leader: *giving motivational speech*
Me 60 rows away: “Yeah, sure. I can’t hear anything, but let’s all follow the guy who didn’t have the forethought to bring a megaphone.”
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How do you even know if that crazy family story is real? Everyone knows you should plant wild stories once in a while to sniff out that one cousin who’s a snitch. That’s how family legacies are made. It is the law.
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During recess, I preferred to be alone instead of play with other kids so I could dream up characters, their inner lives, dialogue, etc. In middle school, 2 friends and I shared notebooks that we used for collaborative storytelling. We passed them back and forth between classes.
I feel like every writer has their own “origin story” where, looking back at your past, it makes 10000% sense that you’re now a writer/storyteller.
Mine? I used to write my own Scooby Doo “episodes” as a kid lol.
Anyone else?
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Had a dream that I was sheltering in place with a bunch of DILFs and their hot young adult kids during a hurricane, but we were all very busy being bummed about how our weird tie dye workshop got cancelled because of the weather
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Waking up from a nightmare and heading straight to work is ridiculous. Like yeah, let me channel all this vindictive energy into a spreadsheet
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I love finishing work so I can finally get up from sitting on my work chair all day and transition to a full evening of sitting on my couch
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Yt privilege is low key hearing someone say you remind them of a celebrity and not immediately thinking, “If they say Jackie Chan, I swear to god”
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Are you telling me that Alfred, a fully grown man who calls his adopted child "Master," doesn't have a humiliation fetish?
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I set a daily reminder to go off at a really low volume in the form of a cheering crowd to celebrate the end of my work day. I completely forgot about it until my boyfriend asked weeks later, “When it’s 6 o’clock, do you hear tiny people screaming?”
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I love that Jada rolled her eyes and Will Smith didn’t even hesitate to slap Chris Rock into oblivion
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