Shauna.. na
@ForgetTheMoose
Followers
4,259
Following
1,347
Media
4,057
Statuses
26,973
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مدريد
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Pinned Tweet
Should I stay single and do all the cleaning or get married and do all the cleaning with an audience
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I'm on day 12 of cutting carbs and sugar from my diet and so far I've lost 12 days of happiness
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I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
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How the fuck am I supposed to live each day to the fullest when I'm the only one that cleans the damn house
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I hate when I send a tweet and immediately think of all the ways I could have written it gooder
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@LizerReal
Thank goodness she included the size of the baking dish or you would be lost and confused
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My daughter wanted to play doctor's office so I turned the ac to 60° and made her wait in her room for an hour and a half
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@50FirstTates
We should all be climbing the therapy ladder purely for entertainment purposes
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@CooperLawrence
When I was 19, I worked at Red Robin and they had everything on one giant menu. It was always the men that would say, "Can I have a BIGGER menu?"
*insert sympathy laugh*
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Anyone know if it's still legal for women to watch fireworks this year?
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
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Target has the perfect dress for anyone who feels like churning butter or sweeping dirt floors this weekend
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People in shock over the dangers of the milk crate challenge clearly never slid down one of these in the middle of Summer
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Try the Keto diet and instantly notice how much lighter you feel without the will to live
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I'm frantically cleaning because someone new is coming over and I can't let them know who I really am as a person
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Thinking about buying a treadmill so I can store it for 6 months and sell it for half price
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If a dragon flew overhead right now, I'd be surprised but not surprised surprised
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@SomaKazima
Mom: My son just died from secondary drowning
Swim school: We'll need to revoke his certificate
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@kirstie_talbot
Not necessarily. I mean, he'll probably eventually keep you from seeing friends and family and bury you under the porch at some point but you might get a couple good years beforehand
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@thegallowboob
They could have at least offered him headphones to listen to sounds of the ocean
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I'm going to start my diet now and if I'm not down 35lbs by tomorrow evening, it's not fucking worth it
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren't microwave and dishwasher safe
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How many cats do I need for people to leave me alone
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@realmainfeeling
They should have been at the dollar store next to the knockoff crocs from day one
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Turns out, of all the diets I've tried, being broke is the best one
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Just once I'd like to interview the employer and request 3 current employee references to see if they're the right boss for me
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If you're on the fence about having children, just remember last night the apple of my eye said, "Mom, I'm trying to imitate your laugh but I can't do the double chin".
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Without saying how old you are, tell us your bank account number and the last 3 digits of your pin
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Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It's a soup bowl
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I started my diet today and for once I'm determined to see it through til the end of the year
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@adamtotscomix
I would argue your home is actually minimalist in a sense as you've designed it so well without it feeling overwhelming and cluttered. It looks great!
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Go on vacation with your kids so you can spend thousands of dollars for them to watch Netflix in a different location
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My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic but I doubt it'll happen
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My daughter wanted to snuggle up and watch a heartwarming Christmas movie together and I have to report, she absolutely loved Die Hard
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One more month until the cobwebs in my house become socially acceptable
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@jzux
People who understand how 4-way stops work impress me more than someone with a college degree and 6 figure income
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I often wonder which horrible disease will be my eventual demise but I imagine it will be whatever microwaving my coffee in a dollar store mug for the last 15 years gives me
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If your teenagers first car doesn't embarrass the hell out of them, you have failed as a parent
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Quick, I need gift ideas for my dad on budget of -$57.31
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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I've ever lost in my life
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Shoutout to all the moms planning their own Mother's Day. You've worked hard all year so what's one more day
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@Yasuke1886
@DailyLoud
Those moments that make you realize that stopping for one second for anything could have been the cause of your death
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People are always griping about how hard having children is but I'm here to tell you it's much worse
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My installer used tile with fake grout lines for a shower floor with real grout lines to ensure I never date someone with OCD
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I'm here to tell you we don't need those people either
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I just extended my cars warranty and now I have no one to talk to
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I followed my doctors advice and slept when the baby slept and boy those 17 minutes really helped me through the first 6 months of her life
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Where's a clever place to hide cash in your home that no one would ever think to check and can I have your address
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Uhhhuhuhuhuhuh, we will like, "adopt your baby" or something
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@BrentTerhune
After I pay my bills from June, I'm going to take that leftover $0.13 and buy me somethin real nice
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Employers, please call my references before they forget what I told them to say
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I haven't worn perfume since they stopped putting magazines in waiting rooms
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I just realized I'm now the mama in the "yo mama" jokes
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My 11 year old told me she wants a summer job and is insisting on giving me all her earnings to help pay bills. With my eyes instantly filling with tears, I looked at her and said, "You're damn right you will, you freeloader"
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For every like this tweet gets, I'll release one of my victims back into society
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@HannahPosted
Nothing was ever used more in the last week of school than this bad boy. Technology has improved, but the tradition must remain
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$100 Whole Foods gift cards come with a bag to shop with
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People who wear masks on their chin also pee next to toilets
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@caseydanielee
I always wondered why the fun has to stop as we get older. I want scenic paint on the walls, a TV with cool shows playing and a lollipop more now than I did as a kid.
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@Ms_Xtina
Its become expected of girls now and it makes me sick.
Boys and Girls varsity teams from the same school:
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Sometimes I slam doors and fling toothpaste on the mirror just so I can feel married again
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@EthnicSteve
Damn, imagine how many bodies he'll have to find to keep in touch on a regular basis
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My daughter looked at our jar of thick and chunky salsa and said, "Look Mom, it's named it after you".
It's obvious my former daughter got her sense of humor from me
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My friends kept telling me how free I would feel going braless in my 30's but they never prepared me for how cold the floor was
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