Lil Bit π
@LizerReal
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Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)
Joined May 2017
oh shit. i'm at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let's hope she stays asleep!!!.
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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
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realizing 2022 is 3 months away when i'm still processing 2020
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Apparently my 9yo daughter's imaginary friend is the ghost of an 8yo girl named Rose who died of the bubonic plague 200 years ago and Iβm sure this is a completely normal developmental stage. .
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I asked my 6yo βarenβt you gonna help me plant flowersβ and she said βoh mommy I would love to do that except that I donβt want toβ.
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We're walking to the cemetery because my 9yo wants to "write down all the names of the dead people." What?!. She's brought a pen and paper. No clue where this is going, but I'm gonna post updates.
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We asked my 8yo if she knew what "ambidextrous" meant, and as she tried to figure it out, we heard her mutter under her breath, "It's not when two girls like each other. that's lesbians.".
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over the past few years i've watched billionaires literally take joy rides into space with their extra money while the rest of us start gofundmes to pay for basic healthcare costs. seriously what can i do to support the orcas?.
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I feel sick as I write this but need to say it:. Today a man with an AK-47 walked down the middle of the street that runs alongside the playground at my daughters' school. During recess. My 5yo was on the playground with her classmates. Feet away.
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My 9yo made friends with a new student in class who doesnβt speak English. Sheβs FaceTiming her new friend and they are currently pointing to things around our houses teaching each other how to speak in English and Spanish π₯Ή Itβs the cutest little conversation yβall.
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interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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holy shit the little fugitive made it through the appointment undetected! back in the car where itβs ok to have squirrels. you know that feeling of relief where your muscles feel like jelly? me rn
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I once dated a guy who opposed me volunteering on social causes because "what if someone who doesn't need it gets help" and I'll be damned if that isn't the prevailing mindset of this country.
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can we get a wellness check for the sign maker? i fear they have suffered a stroke.
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Googled the annual death rate from quick sand, and itβs literally zero. My whole childhood was a lie.
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I've lost over 20 followers in the 20 minutes since I posted this and let me just say BRING IT THE FUCK ON. GFTO. Mama's on a blocking binge bbs.
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands? . Me: What?. 7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS. Me: *dawning realization* Yesβ¦. yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980βs. 7yo: WHOA π€―.
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let this be a lesson to you all that you never know who might be packing small animals in their underwear when you're out.
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omg my kids are waiting for a package and I walk out to this
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I recently learned that pilots may be grounded if they're taking drugs for depression or anxiety, which means we're pushing pilots to NOT treat mental illness. sooooo much better, guys, I feel super safe in the air now.
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The restaurant labeled my 7yoβs take out chicken fingers as β¦ βkids fingerβ and now sheβs running around the house maniacally laughing and saying βdeeeelicious kids fingers mmmmβ as she eats them oh no
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i don't care what you say no one can make sense of the "hit yourself" line.
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This Act includes no restrictions on schools, churches, or other places that frequently contain children. No minimum distance from school grounds. No restrictions at all - except, of course, for our governmental buildings that won't allow guns near those dear policy makers.
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has anyone figured out who the muscle man is? what's on the 3rd floor? WHAT HAPPENS IN 3 MONTHS?.
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Y'all, I'm a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
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he expressly said no extra visitors when i asked if my husband could come. heβs gonna be so mad.
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Yβall. My mom saw I bought peaches and volunteered to share the family peach cobbler recipe. THIS is what I got.
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My 7yo is now arguing that βthe plague is just a made up thingβ however Rose *apparently* chimed in that most of her village died of it so I guess my 9yo won the argument?.
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No, thanks to our state's Constitutional Carry Act (making it perfectly legal for a citizen to carry a firearm - concealed or open - anywhere they'd like *without* the need for a permit of any sort). He was cited with jaywalking.
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My 7yo just said, βIβm jealous of Miss Bea (our dog). Sheβs allowed to be here naked.β. Me:
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Itβs so funny how the way the snow falls in our yard looks like it's lying on a couple of shallow gravesβ¦. *nervous laughter*
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What it boils down to is this: the man who brandished an assault rifle within 30 feet of kindergartners at play - and who may have laid eyes on my daughter - walks away while I type this in abject fear for my children.
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then i have to explain why i have a squirrel in my underwear.
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πMy 7yo keeps challenging her and said that βthe plague didnβt kill kidsβ and unfortunately I was pulled in to explain that no, in fact, the plague did not have an age limit. Parenting books really donβt cover this.
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how tf do we explain this pandemic pic to future generations???
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urology appt, so the clothes stay on. but if he tries to listen to my chest, there's a 60% chance he wakes her up and she crabs and scares the shit out of him.
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Iβm sensing a disturbing theme yβall.
my 8yo used static electricity to stick these balloons to the walls and sheβs calling it. *checks notes* the βHall of Lost Soulsβ
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Iβm still wearing a mask in public, partly because a man hasnβt told me to smile in over a year.
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returning to the office after a year of working from home like
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Got a notice that the school is looking into building a wall around all of the outdoor areas. Because that's the problem here. But let's face it. If nothing changes when dozens of children are murdered every year from the "safety" of their schools, this won't do shit. V.O.T.E.
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i feel like a master criminal now. do criminals have a resume or something to highlight their most impressive feats?.
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i've got my sweater buttoned up to my chin. i'm sweaty as fuck. and i swear my hands are shaking. he's gonna think i'm on drugs.
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Teachers rushed the kids inside and the kids were none the wiser for it. By chance, the gunman apparently showed no interest in the school or students. He continued down the middle of the street (yes the middle, not the sidewalk) and past it.
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Excuse me, I posted in error. He did NOT get a citation for jaywalking (I misheard my husband saying it's the only thing he could be found guilty of in our state). No, actually the man walked without being stopped through the gated drive of an apartment bldg. Justice apparently.
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i hear him and the nurse talking outside the door. my hands are so sweaty. omg.
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false alarm. they had me pee in a cup. sheβs still asleep. my heart is pounding. this is so dumb.
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voting in this election is like doing a group project with 300,000 people I definitely don't trust.
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But wait. were campus officers able to interfere? Were the police called? Was the man apprehended????.
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this threadπππ.Say you live in America without saying you live in America.
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So I notice some unauthorized plant growth on the kitchen counter and gosh darnit I think Iβm an onion farmer now
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calling men hormonal is my new thing. i find they take it well zero percent of the time. probably because they're hormonal.
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all y'all thinking this is a gym advertisement but i think it's a threat and that beefy dude is being forced to punch himself and thank strangers on the 3rd floor.
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reading back over this thread i realize how much i cuss when i'm panicked. i'm fucking sorry y'all.
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My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, "AAAAAAAHHHHH" ππ.
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i don't care what they say i am not fingering a shark that's horrible.
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i always knew my first cleavage picture would be a big internet sensation.
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As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, "Y'all are in for a real treat" and then passed out. πππ.
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When the kids were younger weβd just call the cemetery βthe parkβ and picnicked there frequently. Once we took them to an actual park but they argued it wasnβt the park because it didnβt have headstones π. They come by this honestly lol.
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if i don't orgasm, i make a sad trombone sound at the end of sex. to encourage him to try harder next time.
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Not to be out-weirdoed, my 7yo brought a terrifying hyper-realistic babydollβ¦so thisβ¦THIS is happening right now
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Discovered that THREE DIFFERENT elementary schools in my city were locked down yesterday due to similar situations. Have I mentioned yet how much you can fucking fuck your open carry?.
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So a fed law prohibits guns from within 1000ft of a school, but our carry license offers exemptions, allowing armed licensed persons potentially into school events even. Open carry may be common enough here to explain why his license wasn't even checked. He wasn't even stopped.
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Y'all, I'm providing teletherapy and my dog joined the session to side eye my clinical judgment π
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i told my husband i was taking him to a nice farm in the country
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in honor of the presidential debate, hereβs a photo of bald eagles fighting over a dumpster
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Theyβve tired of census taking and have now begun a totally not-weird game of βcemetery hide and seekβ
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Took our kids to a restaurant for the first time in over a year. As my 6yo crouched in her chair, eating a burger patty like a feral child, and my 4yo tried to remove her pants and painted her face with ketchup, it occurred to me that maybe we werenβt ready to re-enter society.
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My 8yo gets bullied at school, and I consoled her once by promising that if I ever saw her bullies, I'd shoot my legendary angry face to strike terror into their hearts. They have a school play on Friday. She GAVE ME A LIST OF NAMES. π¬.
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Not too long agoβ¦.
My 5yo. 1) asked to visit "the grave of that guy who sings the hold 'em and fold 'em song".2) asked my husband to play the song.3) held the phone up to the grave so Kenny could hear
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back in my day, televisions were whittled straight out of the tree
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my 6yo keeps drawing these pictures of "the shadowman." i'm not ready to die y'all π
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*Kidzbop song plays*. my 4yo: they were π¨πͺπ₯π₯π€π¨ππ to say "fuck".
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inviting my enemies over for dinner so they can wash their hands in the "death sink"
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Gotta be honest: It feels like we're just asking for another "Rose" situation.
Apparently my 9yo daughter's imaginary friend is the ghost of an 8yo girl named Rose who died of the bubonic plague 200 years ago and Iβm sure this is a completely normal developmental stage. .
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the neutering didn't sit well with max, and he returned with a vengeance
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*screaming as i am forcibly removed from the aquarium* . me: PROMISES WERE MADE GODDAMMIT.
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when we were kids, adults were really like "let's teach you to spell with this game about hanging a man".
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back in the 80's, we simply didn't have the dog technology we do today
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