Count Jim Moriarty
@CountMoriarty
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Oscillate between lols and righteous indignation. Comedy improv Driver training
On holiday by mistake
Joined February 2009
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@Backpainandwine
Better option is not to have weddings at all and invite no one. Why pay tens of thousands of pounds for a single day when the marriage probably won't last and you won't see half of the relatives again. I can't think of a worse waste of money and time.
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@fesshole
Very common these days and a sad indictment of our instant gratification culture. It reminds me of when my ex became fed up with my soil collections and detonated an 80 kiloton warhead over Luton.
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@Dataslave1
@journSteven
@abughazalehkat
There is literally a comment just above you showing this happening to a man with the culprit being a woman.
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@anon_opin
You're encouraging good behaviour by thanking them. Positive reinforcement. They feel a little bit happier. They've drive better. Everyone wins.
Smiling is contagious etc
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@fesshole
This is also true about airbags, crumple zones and seatbelts which is why I enjoy driving into anything and everything on my commute home from work
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@SirDanofC
Ian Hislop's Private Eye magazine is the only publication that has consistently held every parties MPs to account for decades. He has done more for holding politicians to account than any other person this decade. He is as important as Attenborough.
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Timeline cleanser. How I miss all three of them. Sorry Emu, four of them.
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@fesshole
Truth be told as the bells rang I was running away from security guards at Stonehenge whilst trying not to lose the surreal helmet that I'd built for the occasion.
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@fesshole
I go one further than this as I don't have a membership either but I don't even turn up.
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@anon_opin
Same thing with white lab coats and white surgical stuff. Why on earth would someone want to know where the germs might be?
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Genuinely shocked me this episode. Robert Carlyle was off the scale.
Robbie Coltrane and Robert Carlyle in Cracker - one of the first shows to deal with the impact of Hillsborough - is probably the best drama you'll see
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@LFCLaurie
Yes, we should also sell Mane, Henderson, Salah, Van Dijk, Rush, Barnes, Clemence, Pele, Puskas, Sooty, David Attenborough, Dr Who, and the Eiffel Tower. The money raised could be used for brain transplants for some of our fans.
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@fesshole
We need to normalise the value of things that are not seen as 'exciting' by yobs and drunks.
Quiet and relaxing activity should be championed.
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Father Ted was trending and went to look why and of course there was nothing recent but I saw this and had no idea that she'd passed away. So sad. Those two were amazing.
RIP to the wonderful Rynagh O'Grady, who played the feisty Mary O'Leary in Father Ted. So many hilarious scenes.
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@MrBoywunder
@LFC
FSG hired one of the best managers in world football and won 4 trophies in one year but now our form is temporarily dodgy it's the owners fault? The PL voted for 3 subs not Fenway. Klopp chose high intensity football.
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@1947production
He obviously didn't bring his cards with him today. That's the yellowest card ever.
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Sad to see Manchester Airport sacking Roy Hodgson just because he was tampewing with the wuggage.
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@BSF_92
@AndrewIWilliams
@JeremyClarkson
@will5023
You're bored of people's deaths. Or is that a response that says "I'm uncomfortable with having to consider the seriousness of it all I'm just here to amuse myself"
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@qikipedia
That's why I never went on any sea voyages between 1650 and 1850. It wasn't worth the risk.
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@fesshole
So basically when the bailiffs are knocking on the door and you're trying to do some work with your wife you think about Holly Willoughby and that sorts it out. Fine.
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The Beatles song "All You Need Is Love" also scans nicely with "Every thing is fucked" da da dada daah
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@anon_opin
This is going straight in the top ten worst opinions.
Dogs are pack animals and if you have to leave them alone then at least let them have some real doggy friends to hang out with. Having only one dog is potentially a bit cruel.
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@3YearLetterman
Virtually everything. In particular it does socialism far far better. It also does humility quite well too. And they speak English better than you guys.
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@fesshole
I would never do that but I have thought of putting notes on these car windscreens saying "sorry, I hit your car, here's my number" (random made up number) and enjoy the thought of them scanning their car to try and find this non-existent prang and thus making them think a bit.
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@anon_opin
These lists also rather depressingly occasionally have people like Kurt Cobain and Noel Gallagher on them. Songwriters perhaps but guitarists absolutely not. In fact Noel may be one of the worst ever to be on a big stage.
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@anon_opin
Phil Collins was a brilliant musician. Ed Sheeran is a fabricated nuisance. But other than that you are correct.
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@fesshole
This is also genetics. You fancy people with similar phenotypes to yours and in female form, facially they should be similar to your mother but not TOO similar thus preventing genetic defects.
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Anyway, here's a picture of me reflected in the eye of a dog. Don't say I never post selfies.
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@fesshole
Takes a while to accept and once you've accepted that your child is different (and that means fully accepted) the "I need to fix this" feelings go away and you start to see and empathise properly and see the real person inside.
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@anon_opin
This happened to a friend of mine who is an identical twin. He found out as an adult that he was his brother and vice versa. Tragic. They had to swap everything round - jobs, wives, houses. It was humiliating.
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I thought I was being discrete opening my sandwich but apparently not. He spotted me 30 yards away.
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@Orwells_Ghost_
@IrishDO33
The tin foil hat is strong here - this has been a goal in genetics for over thirty years. I think if I had the gene for Huntingdon's disease I'd be all over this technology. It will be life saving.
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@anon_opin
A) It bloody itches if you shave them off
B) It looks shit
C) If you both do this you'll get friction sores
D) Regarding head hair - it's at the heart of our attraction to each other
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@mxmsworld
Alternatively, it shows that a killer doesn't look like a bad passport photo they look charming and normal and we should learn to suspect people based on evidence and not whether they are sinister looking.
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@anon_opin
Call them "mate" instead then. And make "mate" a gender neutral term. "Ere mate I can't do this bleeding maths innit? Can I go home yet?"
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@anon_opin
As a professional soup manufacturer (Michelin Starred Heinz chef) I can confirm that this is the most profitable size of tin which is why we use it, although I agree with another top tinned soup chef that we should stop putting semen in the cans. It's completely unnecessary.
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Panicked then because King Henry IV was trending but apparently he's fine.
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@anon_opin
They had one good album. Also, the brothers are both tossers. Also, they are awful as a band. Oasis are the musical equivalent of people that stand at the bar in pubs.
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@anon_opin
Facts about London
The capital of London is Eastenders. Native language is Cockney Rhyming slang but 45% also speak English. People travel around mostly in tubes underground but also speed walking. The King of London is Khan from Star Trek and the National sport is knife crime.
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@MattTakeThree
Far, far superior for night vision. They stopped designing cars sensibly years ago. Now it's all designed for the sales catalogues. Give us an orange option for goodness sake. And easily dimmable dash. German cars used to have a slider wheel you could use whilst driving.
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@anon_opin
Anyone researching their family tree are always, without exception, looking to find out about their ancestors out of a general sense of curiosity and a need to connect to the past.
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@SCTMeadSundays
In case you don't already know - if you use a phone while sitting at traffic you are 4x more likely to be involved in an accident for 2 minutes after you put the phone down.
That distraction effect lasts for two minutes every time you pick up the phone.
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@ChaponaBike123
It's just staggering isn't it. Guy needs a lesson on braking distances and speed impacts on pedestrians. Well done for reporting it.
If you know what you are doing then you drive SLOWER at night.
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@DocRods
@benphillips76
Lord Buckethead was a different person as I remember. He retired and this chap took over but didn't keep the name. I may of course be wrong but this is what I understand.
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Here is my child's excellent alternative giraffe. I think it's a work of genius.
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@MCFC_RobD
@gnasToeL
@Kev1Lfc
It's only football. I can see you're not worried. So what if City have their titles stripped and get sent to the Championship? Just switch to United instead.
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@anon_opin
I'm lucky because it's going straight through my house although it won't stop but I'm going to give it my best go to leap onto it as it speeds through the kitchen at 8am. Hopefully I'll remember my bowler hat, briefcase, and umbrella, and broadsheet newspaper.
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@jesslynnrose
Because cheese causes dreams. Science says. Cheese has got tyramine in it which is a precursor of quite a few neurotransmitters. In fact cheese will mess with old style anti-depressants which can have serious affects. As will certain white wines and grapefruit.
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@DanielT64518410
This is the sort of behavior that got Jo Cox killed. How long before this ill-informed thug is behind bars again?
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@KarSugrue
I've only just got to the stage where both of mine can just about get changed on their own. Being a single Dad of two girls when your local pool has no family changing rooms is a pain. Part of the reason we often travel further to a different pool.
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@HenryJackson87
100% true. He is and always will be better than Guardiola. I wouldn't even compare him with those. If anything he's more in the Clough, Fergie camp but actually he's a step in evolution beyond that. Doing it all without mind games.
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@Chican3ry
Worse for it to be mentioned publicly as it may sway public opinion towards fear of autism. It's not about autism - it's about very troubled kids. As a parent of an autistic child I don't want people to hear this information.
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@anon_opin
Imperial measurements are good. Stone is the correct system for weight. Mph for speed. Miles for distance. Feet and inches for height. Feet for altitude in aviation. No one expresses their weight in kilograms.
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@tara_watson_
She looks fantastic. Unfortunately the wrong sort of men have made themselves known. The majority of us men think she looks amazing.
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@BSF_92
@acemsdavis1
@AndrewIWilliams
@JeremyClarkson
@will5023
OK, so now imagine yourself in a surgeon's gown trying to do heart surgery on someone inside a building where there's little or no aircon. Or trying to do the bin lorry round, or literally any job where you have to make an effort. Thick as mince aren't you?
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I'm learning - just scroll past. Don't have to challenge everything. Not my responsibility.
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I think I can probably do better than this...(puts on suave appearance)
1. Pop a cooked quail's egg in her shoe as a morning treat
2. Massage her entire extended family
3. Kill every germ in the house with gallons of bleach
4. Kebab in bed
5. Ape suit
6. Trip to Swindon
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@GunnerLoulou
Why pretend it's a Liverpool thing and not a bottom of the barrel football supporter thing.
And why post something so inflammatory? You know Tierney is the one ref who hates Liverpool and has given the most errors and you know we are the club most affected by errors.
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@fesshole
Now you know what being self employed is like. Especially the bit about not knowing who you are. I have no idea who I am.
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@ikeijeh
@npcza
@arizonarugy
@NewsForAllUK
She has the freedom to contribute to catastrophe. What happened to social responsibility?
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Hello, I hear you have sandwich that is mine please?
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@RussInCheshire
I think the problem here (and correct me if I'm mistaken) is the wearing of trousers.
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@anon_opin
WFH is bad. Despite the advantages for many it is overall a backwards step away from human social contact which as challenging as it sometimes can be is what we are all about.
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@anon_opin
I like descaling the kettle too. Let's hook up and go on a kettle descaling holiday like in the old days before everything become electrified and woke.
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@anon_opin
Why would you want to retire? It sounds like you are already bored. Imagine how dull retirement would be.
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Vaguely pleased with this one. Warmed it up a bit. Small person has got me back into it.
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For the first time since I've lived here (4 yrs) a wasp has entered the premises. I was trying to make sandwiches. But the wasp insisted they were his sandwiches. An argument ensued and the wasp has left.
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@ASimpleDough
@tadpies
Parking on the zig zags obscures the view of the crossing so it's more difficult for oncoming cars to see pedestrians who may have pushed the button. This has in the past caused fatal collisions. Are you willing to be the person to knock on the bereaved door to explain?
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Taken the difficult decision to officially ban Noel Edmonds from my flat. Not something I take lightly and he has never tried to enter it or showed any intention but you can't be too careful and hopefully this serves as a warning to other celebrities.
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@fesshole
I am a very experienced player and I have only a couple of cheap guitars but I thoroughly support you collecting them. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
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@silentkil_er
Yes. Certainly in comparison to how a woman might feel. It's a different world for us.
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Lucky to live a 15 min walk from a forest that seems to be able to shield itself from the urban world just outside. You'd never know there was a world outside.
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@MooseAllain
Why do people go where all the other people go even though they know there will be too many. I always do the opposite. Am I mad or are they mad?
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Well, so far we have the rioters locked up, Tate brothers arrested again, Jenas gets the sack, and Rowling is being sued. We just need Corden, Gervais, Howard Webb, Farage, Trump, Noel Gallagher, oh hang on I'm going to need a longer twe
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