If you have a relationship with a higher being, be it God, Buddha, Allah, etc... please say a prayer for
@VicHenley
Great dude, Great comic, Great friend
I was the top human finisher in Season
#7
, of America's Got Talent, (& the first stand-up to reach the finals), so they have to bring me back...right?
#AGTChampions
#AGT
My hats off to
@SamuelJComroe
for a spectacular performance tonight on
@agt
Bravo my friend. I hope that we can share the stage again some time.
#AGTChampions
Happy Anniversary to my blushing bride of 17 years...in a row.
@KerriLouiseLaff
I will always look up to you...literally, because you wear ridiculous heels, and you married a Hobbit.
#marriage
#anniversary
Shoe shopping with my son...
Me: "He is a size 4."
Clerk: "I have a size 5., that way he can grow into them"
Me: "does that work with condoms?"
Clerk: "Sir, please leave the store"
Jussie Smollett should apologize for being a racist douche, his mother should apologize for naming him "Jussie", and his dad should apologize for not pulling out.
#JussieSmollett
#JusticeForJussie
People who take karaoke too seriously should be tased. Hey, Alicia Off-Keys, this isn’t "The Voice". It’s a bar in Lennox, MA. Nobody is winning a Grammy tonight.
#annoying
Rather than wonder how Jeffrey Epstein died in jail, I prefer to delight in the knowledge that he is being perversely violated by Satan in Hell, for eternity.
#EpsteinAutopsy
#EpsteinMurder
This year, I fired the accountant and I did my own taxes. Great news! I'm getting a six trillion dollar refund! Apparently they are afraid to send that much money through the mail, because they have invited me in to discuss it.
#TaxDay
#IRS
Judge Kavanaugh allegedly threw ice cubes in a bar when he was in college. Really? As a stand-up comic, I've been pelted with ice cubes countless times. "Let he who is without sin cast the 1st ice cube".
#Kavanaugh
Join us Friday 5/1 at 8p ET for the COVID
#ItsNoJoke
virtual comedy fest supporting our frontline health workers via
@Americares
! Livestream on youtube or ❤️ Much love to you & yours. See you there for a good giggle in the face of this monster! ❤️🤣🩺🙏🎉
If someone had told me 30 years ago that I’d make a living as a comedian, I probably would have laughed, because 30 yrs ago, I was constantly high, and I laughed at everything.
#standupcomedy