Samuel J Comroe
@SamuelJComroe
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Following
279
Media
883
Statuses
9,148
Stand Up Comedian. America's Got Talent Finalist. Seen on Conan and BET. For booking contact VSloot @gersh .com
Los Angeles, California
Joined September 2009
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If you return the dog you got during quarantine to the shelter you should immediately be injected with covid.
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Lady after show
Her: We didn’t like you very mu
Me: Cool cool cool I don’t give a fuck.
Her: We’ll never see you ag
Me: Cool cool cool I don’t give a fuck.
Her: Stop interrupting m
Me: Cool cool cool I don’t give a fuck.
Her: How do I get my money back?
Me: No refunds.
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“Bars have to close. Restaurants can stay open. Some bars can stay open. All restaurants must stay closed open. Zoos are open but none of the animals are there...they’re at local bars and restaurants. Costco will never close. Stay home but if you must go out don’t.” - Mayor of LA
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I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home.
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If you have a man cave just go ahead and get divorced. You need a room to hide from your wife? Bitch, you’re not ready for marriage.
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I lost 11,000 followers on social media this week. I’m not upset about it. I just wanted you guys to know how many racists were following me.
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I watched the tinder swindler and bad vegan on Netflix. No clue where these guys are finding these women that’ll give them millions of dollars. I asked my wife to pass the mashed potatoes last night and she told me to go fuck myself.
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US Men didn't make the World Cup.
US Women won the World Cup.
Forget about equal pay. The men should be paid less. Losers get less money. Super easy.
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I apologize to my one year old daughter every day for bringing her into a world full of dumb mother fuckers.
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If anyone knows a venue in El Paso that wants to host a comedy show send me a message. I’m gonna bring out a few super funny comedians, put on a dope show and donate some of the proceeds to the victims families.
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1) Comedians, I know most of us have lost paid work for the next few weeks so I’m going to upload one long YouTube video on my channel of comics doing 3-5min sets and I’ll create a gofundme for donations and pay everyone out equally at the end of the week.
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Can’t wait to live in a world where gay people don’t have to come out of the closet. Let’s officially just make one closet where we put all the racists, homophobes and people filled with hate in their heart...and then we push that mother fucker into the ocean.
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Trump finding the one black woman in the world that supports him is hands down the funniest Super Bowl commercial of all time
#SuperBowl
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Finally made it 🙌 Been working for a long time to give my family the house they deserve. Its been a long journey but seeing my kids run around the backyard made it all worth it. Blessed
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“You have a daughter and now you’re having a son? You have a pair. The perfect family.” My son could put a dress on and change his name to Matilda and I’d still have the perfect family.
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These earthquakes are hilarious to me. Now y’all know what it feels like to shake involuntarily.
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Fucked around and got my family a dream house. Heading to the east coast in a couple days. Can’t wait to create some incredible memories with my babies and to support my wife on her journey to becoming a lawyer. Work hard. Dream big. Merry Christmas ❤️
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My son is due in two months. I gave my daughter a baby doll to see how she’s gonna be as a big sister. She ripped its head off.
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When I was 19 I’d close my act with “I have 5 sisters...the hand me downs sucked” and then lift my shirt and be wearing a bra. It never got a laugh.
Sidenote: that means I’d put a bra on at 4pm, sit in traffic, hang with comedians, perform, drive home and take my bra off at 2am
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Any comedian saying Dave Chappelle’s special is trash...lets see your hour. Post your hour online and we’ll compare.
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Proposed to my wife at Disneyland during the Fantasmic show. I asked my sister to be the photographer. The next day I said “can you send me the photos?” She said “what photos? I was watching Fantasmic.”
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“I bet you regret your debate posts after losing over 2000 fans.”
Nope. I could easily stay silent and just keep taking your money. That’s not me. If you unfollow me cuz you support a guy who wont condemn white supremacy you been a bitch the whole time 🤷🏻♂️👋🏼
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I jokingly called a guy homophobic on stage tonight and after the show he said “you were actually spot on. I used to be homophobic until I met my wife and she made me realize I shouldn’t dislike people who aren’t like me.” Pretty dope that he recognized that and changed.
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I’ve known
@CrippleThreat8
for over ten years. Couldn’t be more thrilled for him. Congrats man! You deserve this!
Prepare to laugh a lot more because
@CrippleThreat8
is headed to the Semifinals! 😂
#AGTResults
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My face is on billboards in Las Vegas and I just got a standing o at my 6pm residency. Dad was in the crowd too. Minus being away from Alfe and Zaina today was pretty fuckin special. Thanks for the love and support y’all.
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My wife is the strongest woman I know. She’s six months pregnant and goes about her day never complaining. I wore a backpack today and had to stop for water four times.
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Don’t talk about politics
Don’t talk about religion
Don’t talk about sex
Don’t cuss
Don’t make fun of white people
Don’t engage w/ internet trolls
Imagine if I listened to you guys. I wouldn’t be a comedian. I’d be a mute working at Chipotle.
Don’t talk about chipotle!
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I’m gonna have 6 followers left by November 3rd 🤷🏻♂️
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My daughter knows how to say bye now. I almost reached the door and I heard her little voice. Dropped my bags and immediately retired.
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Trump can’t go on Twitter, Facebook or instagram. You know Melania’s been up since 3am like fuckkk now this dude gonna talk to me.
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Love that my daughter gets to see Kamala Harris as Vice President. Soooooo dope
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Surprise surprise the group of homophobes left in the middle of my set. Stand-up comedy is so weird. You’re up on stage making people laugh and you have no idea who they are and some of those people are horrible. I’ll continue to weed out pieces of shit. I’m all love mutha fucka
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If a cop kills a member of my family cuz the color of their skin maybe I peacefully protest. If they kill another I’ll probably try my best to peacefully protest. If you keep killing my family for like I don’t know 400 more years imma burn some shit down.
Black lives matter.
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For over ten years I’ve been performing at comedy clubs like “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck” and then I did America’s Got Talent and after it ended I went back to “fuck fuck fuck” and people were like “you’ve changed!” Duh bitch...I was trying to win a million dollars.
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Dude after tonights show said “I unfollowed you on Instagram a few months ago because you said something that offended me but after tonight I’m gonna follow you again.” Bro if you’re reading this...unfollow me again. You aint loyal. I don’t have time for your flippy floppy shit.
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We find out the sex of our baby next week. Some people want us to have a boy. Some people want us to have a girl. I just hope it comes with a dire wolf.
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Ted Bundy proved that even the nicest guy could be a killer. That’s why any time someone says “hey how are you?” I punch them in the face.
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Every few weeks I get a bunch of new followers and then I have to tweet “Trump is a piece of shit” to weed out the bad ones.
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Uber driver: What do you do?
Me: Teach.
Uber driver: What do you teach?
Me: History.
Uber driver: Wow. What history?
Me: US.
Uber driver: Amazing. What grade?
Me in my head: IT’S 5AM AND IM GIVING ONE WORD ANSWERS PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Me: 10th
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Larry King filed for divorce from his seventh wife. Dawg you’re 85. Maybe just ride this one out til the end.
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I hate when people tell me I’m lucky to be married to such a beautiful woman. It’s not luck. We chose to be with each other. I didn’t win my wife in a raffle.
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I buy my one year old daughter all the toys and she’s over here playing with a paper cup from McDonald’s.
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Nurse just walked in our room as I’m holding my newborn son and asked “are you the daddy?” It took everything in me not to say “no” and run away with him.
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If I follow you and you follow me and then you unfollow me...tell me. Don’t be a sneaky lil bitch about it.
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I had mixed babies cuz it’s my responsibility as a white person to stop creating other white people.
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The lady next me was coughing during boarding and then I started coughing and nobody sat in the middle seat in between us and then once everyone found their seat we both miraculously stopped coughing. I think I just found my new best friend.
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A lot of white people crying “how is destroying businesses gonna bring justice?” My response is how are peaceful protests going to? They’ve tried that over and over again. I’d rather see a couple Chipotles go up in flames than have another innocent black person get murdered.
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Literally tweeted yesterday how thankful I was to be alive to see legends like Kobe and Lebron play. Heartbreaking. RIP Kobe Bryant. As a kid who hated the Lakers you basically ruined my entire childhood. You were just that good. Your work ethic and passion will always inspire me
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A lot of men like to say women never stop talking. I’ll say this...I’ve been in probably a thousand Uber’s and I’d guess about a hundred of the drivers were women. They’ve never said more than “hello, how are you?” to me. All 900 dudes wouldn’t shut the fuck up the entire ride.
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Favorite part of the new Ted Bundy movie is when Zac Efron does a choreographed basketball dance with the other prisoners.
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Kobe and his daughter getting in that helicopter is still the saddest thing to happen in 2020. I started making a cooking show with my daughter a few weeks later so we could look back and have these memories forever. He made me wanna be a better father. Happy birthday Kobe 🙌
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Guy after show
Him: I challenge you to do a set without cussing. I challenge you man.
Me: What do you do for a living?
Him: I work a school supply store.
Me: Tomorrow take a stapler...and throw it at a kid. Just throw it directly at his fucking face. I challenge you.
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Last night a nine year old girl came to my show and laughed. She didn’t email me afterwards that she was offended or complain about the cussing. She just laughed. Maybe I will start doing R rated shows for all ages.
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Lady after show
Her: I don’t like when you refer to women as bitch. I loved your show but that offended me.
Me: For sure.
Me In My Head: This bitch...
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I told my wife from the moment we started dating when we were 17 “my money is your money and your money is my money.” A joint bank account shows that the relationship is more important than money. Plus now she can’t lie to me when she spends $3000 at Sephora. I got receipts!
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I know I joked a lot tonight and I genuinely respect everyone's opinion but if you vote for Trump you're a dumb fuck and I hope you choke on candy corn
#Debates2020
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The last time I did stand-up on a night when I really didn’t wanna perform was when Robin Williams passed away. Going on stage in five minutes and all I can think about is Kobe, his family, my family and Los Angeles.
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Took a silly internet joke and turned it into an opportunity for charity. Shoutout to my baby Ralph Guerra for the brilliant idea. Years ago I walked into Urban Outfitters and bought a shirt for $18. Today I sold it for $600. All 600 will be donated to St Jude Children’s Hospital
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Lady got offended about my gun violence joke tonight. I’m telling you right now I don’t give a fuck. The more you complain the more I’m gonna tell the joke. Honestly I’m gonna start saying that joke twice a show now.
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“How did you handle bullies when you were younger?”
I wrote down what they said to me, became a comedian, and now they give me their money to watch me say the same shit they used to say to me. Fuckin idiots.
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My wife and I were in a heated fight but as soon as someone cut us off on the freeway we were like “YO FUCK YOU BITCH! BALD HEADED BITCH!” Shoutout to the driver of the 2015 Toyota Corolla for saving my marriage.
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No clue who any of these YouTube stars are but apparently they’re all sexual predators. In other news I just invented an app where if my daughter tries to go on YouTube it automatically FaceTimes me and I glare at her for an hour.
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My wife said “you need to shave your face” so I did and then an hour later she said “why’d you shave?” so now I’m glueing my hair back on.
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In Las Vegas walking to my hotel room at 1am
Guy: You gonna hit this blunt with me?
Me: Naw I’m good.
Guy: You don’t trust me?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Why?
Me: Cuz you’re wearing jorts.
Guy: hahaha fuck. You right you right you right.
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I stole a cardigan from Forever 21 last week and now they’re filing for bankruptcy. My bad.
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Dawg. No joke. I’ve been in quarantine for so long I forgot I had Tourette’s.
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Lady with a cat in a bag saw me eating peanuts and told the flight attendant she's allergic so they made me throw them out. I told the flight attendant I'm allergic to cats. Checkmate.
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Pay em
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Can Obama start a YouTube channel? I just wanna hear him tell me everything’s gonna be alright.
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Waitress keeps telling people I was on tv and then some old dude came up to me...
Him: What show were you on?
Me: America’s Got Rabbits.
Him: What did you do?
Me: I had to catch 12 rabbits in under 5 minutes.
Him: Can I get your autograph?
Me: Yup!
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This guy sent me a message a couple nights ago to do a surprise proposal onstage at my show (video comin tomorrow). Right before this happened I kicked a guy out of the show and his girlfriend was pissed. Within five minutes I broke a couple up and brought one closer together ❤️
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My son is gonna be born any day now. You’ll know if he’s ugly cuz I’m just gonna keep posting pictures of my daughter.
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Should I do dancing with the stars? They haven’t asked yet but I feel like it’s probably the next step in my career.
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El Paso! I’m gonna post details about the benefit show soon! This was a horrible tragedy but you’re a strong community. Laughter and raising money for those in need is the best way I know how to help. I hope y’all come out for a great cause.
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“He’s an obese turtle on his back flailing in the sun realizing his time is over.” - Anderson Cooper just roasty toastied the shit out of Donald Trump
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Trump supporters talkin bout “no matter who wins America lost.” Naw bitch. You lost. I’m celebrating in a bubble bath of your lil salty tears
#Election2020
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Every time someone complains about my gun joke being “too soon” I respond “I know. That’s the point. It’ll always be too soon til we stop selling guns. That’s. The. Fucking. Point.”
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Last night someone said “enjoy your 15 minutes of fame” and then the clocks went back and I got an extra hour of fame. God is good.
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“Joe Biden is old. He has dementia. He’ll forget he’s President.”
Bruh your arguments mean nothing to me. I’d vote for a dead squirrel at this point.
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If white people fought for black people as hard as they’ve been fighting for toilet paper this shit would’ve ended a long time ago.
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Shoutout to the couple that took the time to wait for the show to end to walk up to me and tell me they didn’t enjoy my performance. Thank you for your money. I already used it to buy a T-shirt that says “fuck bitches. Get money.”
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“Marriage is hard.”
Not really. You just sleep next to someone you love every night and go to Olive Garden 3-4 times a week.
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I didn’t attend my high school reunion. They know what the fuck I’m up to.
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This time of year is always tough. My mom passed away in November 2012. She was always such a giving woman so what I wanna do is give 5 $75 grocery store gift cards out to struggling families so they can have a Thanksgiving meal. Send me a message if you know of anyone in need.
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Ran into a comedian who unfollowed me on Twitter years ago and he tried to hug me. I don’t even hug my followers so I’m 100% not hugging my unfollowers.
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Paid $11 for internet in the Sky so I could tweet this. Gonna be honest. If it gets less than 40 likes I’m jumping out of the emergency exit.
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Funniest thing during tonight’s show was a couple left about ten minutes in but I knew the guy wanted to stay. The woman was pulling him out and he kept looking back at me on stage like I was a puppy he wasn’t allowed to adopt.
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Kicked a lady out of the last show and she got escorted out by the cops for screaming throughout the show. As she left
Her: But my son has Tourette’s!
Me: Then let him scream bitch but you gotta go.
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Donald Trump is a bitch. This tweet should get a million likes.
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I am beyond proud of my wife. A few months ago she began studying nonstop for the LSAT. It’s been her goal for a long time to go to law school and today she got in!! She’s proof that it’s never too late to follow your dreams ❤️
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Uber driver pulled up, watched me kiss my wife goodbye, waited for me to walk my luggage up to his car and then sped off screaming out the window “I can’t drive you!” It was either racially motivated or he was upset that I gave my heart to someone else.
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