Tom Cotter
@TomCotterComic
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Stand-up Comic, actor and son of a Neurosurgeon, as seen on America's Got Talent, Tonight Show, Howard Stern show and Comedy Central.
New York
Joined May 2012
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Tonight 1 show only
@NyackLevityLive
, or you can catch me on
@TuckerCarlson
on
@FoxNews
at 8PM est.
Either way, Merry Christmas.
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My wife just bought me a case of fancy French water imported from some place called Camp Lejeune.
#marriage
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I'm delighted to be included in
@AGT
The Champions which premieres Jan 7th, on
@nbc
.
#AGTChampions
#AGT
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Dear Mr. Romney,
Look on the bright side.
At least you didn't lose to a dog act.
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It would be an honor to share the stage with
@SamuelJComroe
from
@AGT
, and I thought that tonight was his best performance
#AGTFinale
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@heidiklum
just predicted that this dude could go far on
@AGT
, and I concur. Good luck
@SamuelJComroe
.
#JudgeCuts
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Just watched the latest episode of HBO's Crashing, entitled "Artie", and it was spectacular...best episode yet. King sized kudos to
@GregFitzShow
@artiequitter
@peteholmes
...Bravo!
#HBO
#CrashingHBO
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If you have a relationship with a higher being, be it God, Buddha, Allah, etc... please say a prayer for
@VicHenley
Great dude, Great comic, Great friend
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Congrats on a great run on
@agt
to
@CrippleThreat8
. Top 3 ...Drink this in and prepare to be very, very busy.
#AGTfinal
#AGTResults
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My sister just called to ask if I'm watching
@CountryMusic
Awards. It's
#game7
of
@WorldSeries
! I can't believe that we are related.
#MLB
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Hey
@PreacherLawson
chin up dude. You were great. America loves dogs more than comics.
#AGTFinale
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I was the top human finisher in Season
#7
, of America's Got Talent, (& the first stand-up to reach the finals), so they have to bring me back...right?
#AGTChampions
#AGT
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Because it's on Monday nights, and Monday Night Football is done for the season...
#AGTChampions
#AGT
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Dog Gone it!!!! I scratch the belly of Olate Dogs. They are a great act, and no other finalists licked my face. The dogs were nice too.
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When I woke up this morning I could feel Tension mounting. Tension is one of the Olate dogs. They keep screwing me.
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To any woke folks that find this day offensive, kindly suck it. To everyone else, Happy Thanksgiving!🍗🍴🍷🇺🇸🏈
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My hats off to
@SamuelJComroe
for a spectacular performance tonight on
@agt
Bravo my friend. I hope that we can share the stage again some time.
#AGTChampions
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Christmas in my family was a time of giving...the finger mostly, but at least we were communicating.
#HolidayGiftGuide
#Christmas
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It all goes down tonight on
@AGT
"The Champions"...I sense a disturbance in the Force.
#AGTChampions
.
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Thanks
@howiemandel
you are an inspiration, an excellent judge, and an over all great dude. Great Special on
@Showtime
BTW.
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Celebrated my dad's 95th birthday today. He can still beat me at chess, and golf, but when we wrestle, I dominate.
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Thanks to all for the kind words about
@AGT
#AGTChampions
Total admiration for
@tomcottercomic
for continuing DESPITE
@SimonCowell
’s classless rudeness when he buzzed you in the middle of your act on
@AGT
! I enjoyed your
#AGTChampions
set, you had me laughing 😂
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For 35 years he made me laugh. Tonight he made me cry. farewell
@robinwilliams
#Tearsofaclown
http://t.co/VNaYsFp9MX
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16 years ago, on this date,
@KerriLouiseLaff
said "I DO". If you are wondering if I feel extremely lucky...I DO. Happy Anniversary Baby!🥂
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Not to stomp on your buzz, but this is why we "celebrate" this weekend.
#Army
#Navy
#AirForce
#Marines
#CoastGuard
http://t.co/cIsd5SnHqg
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So we’re just gonna sit here and pretend Brittney Griner and Pete Davidson aren’t the same person? Ok.
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My nephew, Capt. Andrew Cotter met the president of Poland while deployed with NATO forces. I was deployed with the Salvation Army once.
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I agree
@VickiBarbolak
,
@PreacherLawson
is repping us all on
@AGT
Champions. Go Preacher!
#AGTChampions
@kramsauer73
@TomCotterComic
@SamuelJComroe
He's there for us all
@PreacherLawson
gave us a sermon we will never forget!
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I learned something last night…when You attend a Gender Reveal party, keep your pants on. It’s not about you.
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Someone just said to me... "No offense, but you look like that comedian…Tom Cotter." ...(offense taken.)
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Happy Anniversary to my blushing bride of 17 years...in a row.
@KerriLouiseLaff
I will always look up to you...literally, because you wear ridiculous heels, and you married a Hobbit.
#marriage
#anniversary
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Iran is now banning US citizens from entering Iran. DAMN IT! Spring Break is ruined. I had front row tickets to a beheading.
#Iransucks
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Shoe shopping with my son...
Me: "He is a size 4."
Clerk: "I have a size 5., that way he can grow into them"
Me: "does that work with condoms?"
Clerk: "Sir, please leave the store"
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Just watched an episode of
#GaffiganShow
on
http://t.co/Os910BpJPe.
Bottom Line...Funny dude.
#stilllaughing
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1st time in 7 seasons of America's Got Talent, that there isn't a singer in the finals. We've got dogs, kids, paint, sand, strings & jokes.
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Bravo!
@CrippleThreat8
and congrats! Well earned...well deserved.
@AGT
semi-finalist...
#AGTResults
#AGTLive
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My chiropractor suggested that I quit playing softball. Not for medical reasons. He is the captain of our team, and I suck at softball.
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The DNC Hack of Debbie Wasserman Shultz would never have occurred if she had used
@HillaryClinton
's private server.
#wikileaks
#busted
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Jussie Smollett should apologize for being a racist douche, his mother should apologize for naming him "Jussie", and his dad should apologize for not pulling out.
#JussieSmollett
#JusticeForJussie
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Help us defund the PC Police w/ the No Apologies Comedy Tour. Dec 18th, streaming live from the
@MahaffeyTheater
St. Pete, FL with
@MarkRiccadonna
,
@aaronbergcomedy
,
@mitchfatel
& I.
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3 years ago today,
@Joan_Rivers
left us, and the world seems less funny these days. Coincidence?
#joanrivers
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When I was a little kid, my dad used to kiss me on the lips...until one day, I slipped him the tongue. Now he won't even shake my hand.
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My son: Dad, do you like Putin?
Me: what?
My son: Do you like Putin these balls in your mouth?
Me: I've failed.
#PutinPriceHike
#RussiaUkraineConflict
#Russia
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Last Easter I got drunk, and ran over a Bunny with my car... I am no longer welcome at the Playboy Mansion. Happy Easter! 🐰
#EasterSunday
#Easter
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My 88 year old uncle is worried about the "Long Term Side Effects" of the Covid vaccine. That seems a little cocky to me.
#vaccination
#COVID19
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The horse I was riding in Florida had a broken leg, so I had to shoot it, and everybody on the carousel freaked out.
@ImprovOrlando
10/5-8
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People who take karaoke too seriously should be tased. Hey, Alicia Off-Keys, this isn’t "The Voice". It’s a bar in Lennox, MA. Nobody is winning a Grammy tonight.
#annoying
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Young Frankenstein, The Producers, Blazing Saddles, Stir Crazy, etc.. Thank You Gene Wilder. Like your beloved Gilda, you will be missed.
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WIFE: "I hate the noise that your mouth makes when you're asleep".
ME: "I hate the noise your mouth makes when you're awake".
#marriage
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Comedians never stop writing. I always carry a pad. It's a maxi pad, so it's difficult to write on, but the jokes are super absorbent.
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Happy 82nd Birthday to the Legendary Tommy Smothers. 2/2/1937... Long Live the
#SmothersBrothers
!
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I thought I was on WebMD when I typed in "Hemorrhoidal Itch", but I accidentally made it my Facebook status.
#oops
#EmailFail
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Rather than wonder how Jeffrey Epstein died in jail, I prefer to delight in the knowledge that he is being perversely violated by Satan in Hell, for eternity.
#EpsteinAutopsy
#EpsteinMurder
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I was going to go to church today, but then I realized that God is everywhere, so I'll hang with him on my back deck, with a beer & book.
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I was dragged off of a United flight once for simply saying hello to my friend Jack. I yelled "Hi Jack", and everybody freaked out.
#united
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Can we stop talking about Trump & the media, and focus on what is really important? I'm performing at the Boca Raton Resort & Club tonight.
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I'm honored to be a part of the
@AGT
"Olympics of Talent", but I feel like the Jamaican Bob Sled team.
#AGTChampions
#TuneIn
Are you ready for the Olympics of talent? 💥
#AGTChampions
makes history this January on
@nbc
.
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All comedians have a joke, comment, photo, etc, that they wish they could take back.
@kathygriffin
screwed up, & apologized. Let's move on.
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Judge Kavanaugh allegedly threw ice cubes in a bar when he was in college. Really? As a stand-up comic, I've been pelted with ice cubes countless times. "Let he who is without sin cast the 1st ice cube".
#Kavanaugh
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Wow, simoncowell just “X”’d another act on
@agt
Still stabbing my Simon VooDoo doll
#AGTChampions
#simonsucks
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This is my woman (not in a possessive way...in fact, she owns me).
@KerriLouiseLaff
#NationalWomensDay
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Jack Nicholson was on my flight today, and when he got up to pee, I yelled "Hi Jack". Man, those Air Marshals are like Ninjas.
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Everyone should cut
@larrywilmore
some slack. It's not like he lost to a dog act in front of 20 million viewers.
#CorrespondentsDinner
#AGT
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Let's do this...Tonight 8pm.
#laughteristhebestmedicine
Join us Friday 5/1 at 8p ET for the COVID
#ItsNoJoke
virtual comedy fest supporting our frontline health workers via
@Americares
! Livestream on youtube or ❤️ Much love to you & yours. See you there for a good giggle in the face of this monster! ❤️🤣🩺🙏🎉
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Love it when TV news people warn everyone to flee the Extreme Danger Zone, then send a news team to that Extreme Danger Zone to broadcast.
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Dear God, Please stop taking the funny ones. Farewell
@Joan_Rivers
and thanks. :-(
#humorousheaven
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If someone had told me 30 years ago that I’d make a living as a comedian, I probably would have laughed, because 30 yrs ago, I was constantly high, and I laughed at everything.
#standupcomedy
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Whenever I had the privilege of opening for the Smothers Brothers, Tommy would insist on introducing me, and the introductions were way funnier than anything I had to say. Great dude. RIP
#Legend
#TommySmothers
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