Joelle ๐๐๐
@tenthmuse
Followers
2,572
Following
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Media
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Statuses
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Designer for authors & other cool people. WordPress lover. GIF enthusiast. Cookie dealer @chubettebakery . Gen X delight. โจ๐ณ๏ธโ๐ she/her/dude
Hillcrest, San Diego
Joined June 2008
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GARIME X LA OPORTUNIDAD
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Pinned Tweet
My wife, as I enter the bedroom last night: "Show me your moves, babe."
Me: *makes antlers with my hands and honks loudly*
Wife: "I said show me your MOVES. Not show me your MOOSE."
Me: "Well, you're Canadian. Who's to know?"
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Some of you mid-30โs, white, male, ultra-lefty podcast hosts who preach withholding votes because you like neither candidate have never had to truly fight for your civil rights and it shows. STFU.
#IUnderstandTheAssignment
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Family, I will make all your Big Gay Websites. ๐ณ๏ธโ๐๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ๐๐๐
Ah, North America! Leaning in for some more segregation I see! *clown-car noises*
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I need a minute to digest that. That's some gangster business right there.
#January6thHearings
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As Iโm watching this new footage and timelines of the Capitol insurrection, Iโm baffled at all these seniors, especially women, in the twilight of their lives, when they should be playing with grandkids, are going to go to jail... for some schmuck.
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Yesterday, we released a thousand lady bugs on our patio, specifically on an aphid-laden hibiscus tree. The tree is now virtually free of aphids, but there are ladybugs *everywhere*. Every. where. ๐
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Me, telling
@MuellerSheWrote
about a bug encounter earlier: โIt was a HOUSE centipede!โ
Her: โLike Mrs. Roper?โ
Me: โWell, it WAS wearing a caftan.โ
Her: โA HOUSE centipede? What if she wanted a CAREER?!โ
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I'm generous with my good vibes, but I'm kind of tired of folks who refuse to get vaccinated asking for my prayers when they get COVID. First I had to stay home while you went out and spread that ish around and now I have to pray for you, too?
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I saw the word cruditรฉs twice in the span of two scrolls and had to take to the Google to find out who embarrassed themselves because nobody says cruditรฉs that much. Except maybe me.
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@emmabo
if you were even allowed to talk on the phone that night/if you'd done your homework/what could you possibly have to say to them you couldn't say 3 hours ago at school. I got like 5 minutes in a hallway as far as the kitchen cord would stretch.
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Internet! Any car dealers out there? Why, WHY, do you not start the wash/gas/prep service on a new vehicle until after youโre done with finance? Every car both
@MuellerSheWrote
or I have purchased, they take another hour post-signing to prep. This only gives me time to think.
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Itโs my beautiful wifeโs 32nd birthday today! Sheโs a grown ass lady now and I can stop feeling like a pervy old lady. I love you, cutie.
@mandy_reeder
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Had a little caftan pool party for my birthday tonight. Thank you to
@MuellerSheWrote
for hosting and for my dear friends for hanging out with me. This is 49โฆ with the good light from the window.
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A very happy birthday to my best friend, my other wife,
@allisongill
. Iโm so proud of you and everything youโve accomplished. Youโre a badass, you make good deviled eggs, and youโre even hotter than you were 25 birthdays ago. Love you, dude. ๐
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Healing is using your Weight Watchers kitchen scale to portion cookie dough.
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Itโs Pride week, San Diego! ๐ณ๏ธโ๐๐ฆ๐
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De-stress deadline drinks with my other wife
@allisongill
. Clearly I have no idea whatโs going on. ๐คฃ
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Me: I want to make ube cookies.
@allisongill
: What's an ube cookie?
Me: Ube is a sweet purple yam. It's having a moment right now. I want to make cookies with it, just to see.
Her: I love that yams can have moments. Good for yams.
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Happiest birthday to my oldest and bestest friend, my โother wifeโ,
@MuellerSheWrote
. I baked you a cake, that one you like. My frosting is lumpy, but I still love you. ๐๐๐ฅณ๐
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Iโve seen a lot of tweets and memes asking what people planned to โlevel upโ on or learn anew during their holiday downtime. Itโs called downtime for a reason. You donโt have to hustle or level up. Itโs a few days, let yourself breathe and restore. You deserve it.
#NoteToSelf
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That doesnโt make me feel like a princess. When I drop that much money, I want to sign the last doc, have you hand me my keys, and let me drive away. Not โcongrats, here are your keysโ, now sit here for 30 min then 60 more in finance, THEN you go wash the car. So why?
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Started watching
#TheExpanse
recently. I have such a thing for Shohreh Aghdashloo. Iโm always delighted when I discover sheโs in something Iโm watching. Not only is she brilliant in her roles, but her voice is ๐ฅ.
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I was just told someone decided against working with me because she "found out" I work with LGBTQ+ authors and businesses. Girl, I literally *am* an LGBTQ+ author and business.
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.
@MuellerSheWrote
helping me decide if I wanted this freezer for cookies. We decided yes! Costco. $349. Normally $786 on Amazon.
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I just got this notice from my doctorโs office. You only receive these if youโre over 45. Honey, if youโre middle-aged and still donโt know where the poop comes out, Iโm worried about you.
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WHY do car dealers do this? What benefit is it to them to let us sit there. The service experience would only be heightened by letting me enjoy my embarrassingly large purchase as soon as possible. Do tell because we are flummoxed.
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Iโm so sick of these articles that act like COVID was no big deal now that folks are getting vaccinated, that any lingering concerns are liberal hysteria. Now weโre getting it not only from the GOP, but from our own. Shut up.
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This weekend I watched a woman cut a burrito in half and hand it to her friend, who proceeded to bite into the unexposed end and squirt the contents down the front of himself. Lesson: donโt share your burritos.
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Thisโฆ yโall, Iโm kind of emotional. Itโs practically spiritual.
Einstein. Curie. Turing. Tesla. And then this person. The snacklebox. I am shook.
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Iโve had to get through more security to buy Visine at a Walmart than was present yesterday.
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Doing my
#BidenHarris
texts this morning and people are *pumped* for tonight's debate. Pop some corn, y'all.
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He puts the โcasualโ in casualties.
All is well! Missiles launched from Iran at two military bases located in Iraq. Assessment of casualties & damages taking place now. So far, so good! We have the most powerful and well equipped military anywhere in the world, by far! I will be making a statement tomorrow morning.
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"You have 572 reward points! You can use them get this thimble with our logo on it, 45 cents off your next meal for 12, or save them! For only 300,000 more points, you can get a free half a sandwich and a kick in the face!" - Every rewards program ever
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If youโve never had to wash your hands *first* while needing to pee, an interpretive dance emerges you never knew lived within you.
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Like, I KNEW he was like that, but seeing it played out, with actual proof of mob-like shenanigans... it's scary. I hope they have the witness secure because she's not his favorite person right now. I mean, he's "never heard of her". Sure, Jan.
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โIโm trying to maintain 6 feet.โ
To which they giggled, rolled their eyes and mocked me, โooooh, sheโs trying to maintain six feeeeet!โ, then grabbed a case of Whiteclaw, coughed demonstrably, and went to self checkout.
Weโre doomed. 2/2
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My best friend of 30 years and my wife are outside listening to and identifying birds in our neighborhood. This is what middle aged dreams are made of.
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I had to do something. Iโm attending 2020 Victoryโs event, โ2020 Victory National Text Team Training!โ โ sign up now to join me!
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Six years ago I married this beautiful person and we still love each other. Who knew? ๐๐ฅฐ
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What is the deal today?! I am in an Uber with a MAGA woman from Santee complaining about our city and state govโt. Is it my silver hair that makes people think Iโm some boomer? Nah, lady. Nah, I say.
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It's petty, but when I drop the wife-bomb on people in passing, usually clients, I take joy in their surprise. "Oh! Your wife! I didn't know you were *married*" in that tone that says "Bob, she's a *lesbian*!" (That's not my label, but I don't think Bob needs the tea.)
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My favorite part of
#LuciferNetflix
is
@RachaelEHarris
, but Iโve crushed on her since she was slinginโ Yoplait.
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@ci_chrisford
@MinaMarkham
I feel gaslit all the time. I'm dodging people like I'm in a video game, mask up to my eyeballs, and folks are strolling with friends, running in groups, eating at tables - no masks - like running with a friend or eating a burger at a table is that magic time you can't get it.
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Dying at
@MuellerSheWrote
clutching her pearls & taking umbrage at the suggestion that
@MrJonCryer
was not in the
#BratPack
, per his words in the trailer. โWHAT? Heโs the hottest goddamn one of those people!โ ๐
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Standing in a Target, donned in latex gloves, standing far from the person in front of me. Girls holding rosรฉ and a loaf of bread behind me step closer every time I step forward to maintain distance. Finally, when theyโre so far up my ass, I can taste their rose, I say... 1/
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This woman is the content I needed this morning. Get it, girl.
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@softreeds
@Winter
Wait. Have I been in a cave? Thereโs a 3?! My little gen-x heart just burst!
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Hey, thatโs my bff who interviewed
@MaryLTrump
! (Hey gurl! ๐๐ป) Iโm so proud of her. Listen
@dailybeanspod
!
Just wrapped a nearly hour-long in-depth interview with
@MaryLTrump
! Catch it on
@dailybeanspod
tomorrow morning or tonight for patrons ad-free. Grab a copy of her incredible book while youโre at it :)
#MaryTrump
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I am excited for and sad for the season finale of
@TedLasso
. I donโt want it to end. Guess Iโll have to start overโฆ ๐คท๐ปโโ๏ธ
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@KateCagle
@kathygriffin
Stickers on lockers: proof they've never developed emotionally beyond pubescence.
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Today is the 20th anniversary of my business
@hellomoxie
. I never expected when I started a blog in 2003, while grunting as a prod artist for a marketing firm, that Iโd be here. At 29, I couldnโt imagine doing *anything* for 20 years, so many days, itโs still a surprise.
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@GregJam09875343
@MuellerSheWrote
Oh, to be fair, we were on and out in 3 hours because even with tits we managed to use our words and tell them to hurry up.
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Happiness is listening to
@muellershewrote
giving me a dramatic reading of
@markrobinsonNC
โs porn site posts.
#DookieShoot
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Raise your hand if you've ever crafted a whole tweet, really checked it for grammar and all that, then finally thought, "Who cares?" and deleted it. ๐๐ป I was going to tell you about my roomba and decided against it. You're welcome.
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@thexybeatht
Probably Jason Bateman on Silver Spoons. Or Jennifer Connelly in Career Opportunities.
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"Slow as the dickens" is a phrase I just used, so I guess I better finish my AARP application.
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Is it just better because we put vodka in it now?
So
@tenthmuse
and I are out having a cocktail and we are wondering at what point in the aging process did we start liking grapefruit juice? When we were kids, we both hated it, but our parents liked it. And now we like it. Or did grapefruit juice experience a glow-up like
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Marry someone who tells you โI love your face every day. I love your chonky butt every day. Youโre beautiful every day.โ as they leave for work.
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My wife just got two job offers in the same week and accepted them both. Many congratulations to
@mandy_reeder
on her career in French-immersion child development. Iโm so proud of you, babe. Get that (French) bread. Oo la la! ๐ฅ๐ซ๐ท๐ซ
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@hellolanemoore
People need to stop using the term intimacy as a euphemism for sex. They are two different things.
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Get yourself a best friend who brings you unsolicited Seeโs. ๐
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In honor of the 6th anniversary of marriage equality, let me see your gay wedding photos.
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Once upon a time, the dashing
@indextwo
and I sang a song on the internet that he masterfully arranged and edited. It was so much fun, I will trot this show pony out every year until I am deceased. Happy Holidays! ๐โ๏ธ
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Also, to be clear, Iโve been friends with
@MuellerSheWrote
for a long ass time, so weโve seen each other purchase cars over many, many years at varying income levels. Itโs always the same. I hadnโt bought a car in 12 years, still the same.
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Going in for surgery today, after a blood transfusion and a couple days in the hospital. Iโm a little nervous though they assure me everything will be okay. Think good thoughts for me, friends. โจ
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@hellolanemoore
A girl courted me once by taking me to see Monsters Ball (romantic!), never making a move or calling me again. Then, a month later sent me a link to a website devoted to me, then finally shipped me a massive collage of myself (cut up from magazines & pics printed).
I moved. ๐คท๐ปโโ๏ธ
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Iโd also like to petition for a solid pink heart emoji. ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
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No, they prove she's bisexual. She had a boyfriend. Now she has a girlfriend. When straight people get involved with a new partner, it doesn't negate all their past ones. Perhaps I'm projecting. ๐
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Hey, anyone ever had a reaction from hand sanitizers? I used some in a big jug the other night at drag bingo and my hands haven't stopped itching since. I'm either receiving a massive windfall or that stuff was Everclear with bees in it.
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@bestofnextdoor
Despite the exclamation points, I feel like she emphatically whispered "black!!!"
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Moo is okay! For now, anyway, his CT shows his cancer hasn't spread and we can remove it, which we're doing Thursday and is going to cost bazillion dollars and we still have another bazillion dollars of radiation, but I do not care! My baby is going to be okay! ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
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One thing I casually forgot to mention is that I hit my 17 year anniversary of my biz
@hellomoxie
on Valentine's Day. My site is finally back online (*in progress* so be nice, I know it's got issues) and it feels good. I feel inspired for my own biz again.
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"Hey are you at your laptop? I'm trying to figure out where to put a bigfoot and a chicken."
-- Things I Say to
@MuellerSheWrote
while I'm working
#webdesign
#WordPress
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I outdid myself. Lemon & white chocolate, lemon glaze, lemon crunch.๐๐
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I've managed to stay a successful web design & development biz for 15 years... And I'm self-taught. ๐ช๐ป
#WITBragDay
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Apparently, you can become a virgin again. My hair is finally dye-free! It only took 2 years.
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Best day ever. In and out before my appointment time even started.
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I love when someone says something like "You're significantly higher than my budget" as if it's an accusation. Respectfully, that's not a me problem, sir. I don't need to lower my worth, you need to adjust your budget or hire someone that suits it. No shade.
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Me: โMy phlebotomist was the shit this last time, dude. Nary a bruise!โ
@MuellerSheWrote
: โI LOVE a good phlebotomistโฆ who ARE WE?โ
Me, pausing: โWe are bitches in a hot tub, drinking Prosecco, and contemplating this mortal coil.โ
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Iโve worked with amazing clients, published a book, spoke at events, and made the best friends. My biz held me through a recession, a midlife crisis, a pandemic and a clown president. Iโm grateful, lucky, and work my ass off. Hereโs to more of this and the next thing. ๐ฅ
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My first real hater in years! I still got it, baby. ๐ช๐ป
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Iโm in an Uber, the driver asked what I am doing today. I said I am going to my friendโs house and that my wife had the car today. She completely glossed over that and said, โWell, husbands need the car first since they do the working.โ
Iโm sorry, what?
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Whenever I read 45's tweets, I hear a trumpified version of "Joe Lies" by Corey Flood.
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