Chantel
@tellchantel
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American girl married to a Portuguese guy. Mom, musician, religious trauma survivor, writer and Aspie on a mission to avoid small talk globally. 📚🎶
United States
Joined March 2022
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Pinned Tweet
I'm American and my husband is Portuguese.
We live in America but we travel to Portugal once a year to visit his family. I've been here 4 years in a row, researching the way of life.
The differences between these two cultures are staggering. Here are 10 I have noticed: 🧵
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@daydream113017
Stay at home mom here. After reading that description of a stay at home mom, I asked my 7 month old to please sleep in a couple hours later than his normal wakeup time of 5 am. Hopefully he obeys me so I can "wake up whenever I want".
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@Theholisticpsyc
I will never forget the first mother's day card that I got from one of my kids after my divorce.
"Thank you for being happier"
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@Cernovich
This post made me subscribe to your Substack.
Thanks for pointing out the ultimate goal of parenthood: to raise future adults. And the painful but important reminder that it starts with us, the parent.
I became a mom in my early 20’s after
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@MerriamWebster
Vex.
I want to live in a world where I can say "You vex me!" without being asked if I'm from the Middle Ages...
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Instead of saying that your past self was stupid, try saying, "I had a lot to learn."
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@BenZeisloft
How about the dragons Jesus actually slayed in His ministry on earth:
-Abuse and corruption in the church
-Legalism
-Exploitation of women and orphans
-Arrogance
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@yoalexrapz
I will add to the playground comment: MORE BENCHES. Look up French Parenting. Not every American parent wants or needs to follow their kid around the entire time. After playing with our kids for 7 hours earlier that day, some of us would love to actually sit. 🤪
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@RabbiHarvey
I want to see these same Christians who rage about pronouns, rage about the abuse happening in their own churches...
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@Theholisticpsyc
YES. It's so sad.
And if this unhealed person hurts us, it's one of the ways we can reach the point of forgiveness, if that's the path we choose. By seeing them this way, we can see very plainly:
Hurt people hurt people. And while it does NOT excuse bad behavior, it can at
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@Theholisticpsyc
I knew I was becoming "emotionally healthy" when for the first time in my life, I stopped begging them to be loyal and to love me.
Instead, I walked away.
Later on, they asked if I regretted doing that. I laughed because I could never regret empowerment.
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@BigBossVette
This is such a cold, hard truth.
And it's also EXACTLY why ultimately, we are our own worst enemies...
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@defnot3owls
This is a good perspective. ❤️
Years ago I was postpartum with one of my babies and a couple Mormons came to the door. Being sleep deprived and hormonal I remember not being so kind of them when they woke the baby up from a nap.
Looking back I wish I had been kind.
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@ahmedhankir
People who make harsh, unnecessary judgements on others make me gringe...
Keep smiling.
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@sensorystories_
It makes sense why ADHD'ers and Autists feel this pull in the back of their minds that they've done something wrong, even if they haven't.
In almost every situation we've been in growing up, this is exactly what we're told. If I thought outside the box at work, questioning the
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@seanfeucht
One must ask themselves though, is a church really "spirit-filled" if it's run by corrupted leaders?
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@MerriamWebster
When my daughter was a toddler I told her one day that she was vexing me.
Got weird looks from people but that's what happens when you're a weird mom so...
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@_nomadic_soul
I am starting to think this is just an American thing. I'm in Portugal right now and it has been so wonderful to see how welcome my baby is in public. Very different culture here.
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@JohnCleese
As someone who grew up in toxic churches, I was told this at a very young age:
"If you're having fun, it's probably a sin"
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@chipch13
@Cernovich
Cernovich is a better mom blogger than 99% of the actual mom bloggers...
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@fedtriyahya
This reminds me of a conversation I had with someone recently.
Her and her sibling experienced the same event as a child.
One of them became traumatized and had to go through extensive therapy for years, and the other one continued her life with only minor thoughts of it here
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@DrMcFillin
This was me. At 15 when I underwent trauma, I was put on a very sedating psych med so my family wouldn't have to deal with the effects of my trauma. Actual trauma wasn't dealt with until my 30's.
We can't just pull the weed leaves. We have to dig up the root.
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@UpSkillYourLife
Emotional IQ: one of the most underrecognized and underappreciated human superpowers.
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@Stopworkplacebu
You just described my past abusive, toxic workplace to perfection.
Finally I said, “Enough is enough” and I’ve never looked back.
If any of you are working for a company like this right now, leave. You will find better work. And more importantly, A BETTER LIFE.
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@CoachElizabethS
Or impress the church publicly instead of treat their spouse well privately...
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@ToFertileChurch
I think there is a lot of truth to this.
Growing up in the church, I was surrounded by people who mocked the village mentality. I was brainwashed in that think tank. Then I left the church, became a mom and realized...oh. Yeah, a village would actually be really nice now.
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@Stopworkplacebu
This has been a tale as old as time for me...
Once I finally start gaining control over my life from the toxic person, they unleash their ruin.
When this happens, dust off your crown and keep pushing, warriors.
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@Stopworkplacebu
I did that recently and it was the most therapeutic thing I’ve ever done.
It’s terrifying at first, especially if you have a history of people pleasing. But I promise, you guys- it’s worth it.
Prune, prune, prune. 🌳 ✂️
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@ZammitBilly
@Pro__Trading
@Cernovich
@JennaEllisEsq
Sounds like someone needs to get their A1C levels checked...
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@Theholisticpsyc
Being direct and staying silent was the difference between me finding my voice and continuing to be a doormat.
I used to just "hope" people would understand me after they hurt me, but it never happened.
Direct is the best policy.
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@drjenwolkin
And just plain flat out HARD.
I delayed healing for years because guess what? It isn't rainbows and butterflies.
Sometimes we think of healing like a nice little bandaid. But it's actually more like open heart surgery...
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@TheoManBabies
It's really hard for The Transformed Wife to understand that men are sinners, not gods.
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@Stopworkplacebu
After I left my hostile work environment, I had nightmares and daily flashbacks about it for over a year and had to go through extensive healing.
Absolutely horrible that there are workplaces causing psychological harm on people.
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@Stopworkplacebu
Every day at my toxic workplace felt like a scene from the movie Mean Girls...
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@AJA_Cortes
YES to number 7. Drink enough water, especially if you're a woman. If I don't drink enough water I will bloat everywhere on this thing. Retention is no joke.
Drink. The. Water. 💦
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@Theholisticpsyc
YES.
In my past experience as a recovering people pleaser, I can attest to this simple fact:
People pleasing is an avoidance problem.
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@Theholisticpsyc
Leaving can be hard, but self protection trumps self sabotage any day of the week.
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@NoNonsenseND
To the neurotypical, social interactions is a game of checkers.
To the neurodivergent, chess.
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@DrMcFillin
For me, speaking from my own personal experience, this was 100% true.
After my first child was born, I was labeled with postpartum depression. A sleep deprived mom with no tribe, being told I was depressed.
I didn't need antidepressants. I needed sleep, and a village. Once I
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@MphoMoalamedi
I just have to say, thank you for starting this conversation.
Reading all the replies and I’m reminded of so many parents’ very obvious conditional love.
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@nakedpastor
I would pick a simple breakfast here in this beautiful scenery, than a giant feast at an abusive, legalistic evangelical church any day.
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@Cernovich
Agree 💯. Ex corporate employee here. 8 hours a day, lived that life. Pretending to work led to lack of productivity dopamine, and bad evening vises to compensate. 10/10 would prefer real work with meaningful reward. You know, what dopamine should actually be used for.
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@WomnOfValor
As someone who got married too young many years ago and had a failed marriage, the only dating advice I can give is "don't settle".
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@Theholisticpsyc
Not anymore! 🥳
This WAS me. I'm on the other side of healing from codependency and it's the best feeling in the world.
Yes, it was draining, and yes I felt guilty when I couldn't fix others. There is freedom in releasing ourselves from this special kind of hell.
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@Theholisticpsyc
Autopilot was my default way of living for many, many years until I finally had this realization:
Change is scary, but staying in toxicity is even scarier.
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@_antonioorlando
@TheOracleReadsU
@virtuetothereal
Yep. And when we settle for less than what we deserve, we’re forgetting kindness to ourselves…
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@drjenwolkin
Same with "high functioning autism".
People assume everything must come so easy for me! No, guys, the high functioning part means I'm trying VERY hard, much harder than average, to act "normal" right now in this social situation. 😉
So much ignorance about the term high
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@askamycollins
Composer here. I hear more music than my inner dialogue. Sometimes I wish it would stop.
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@BeTraumaFree
Trauma made me believe I was an introvert too for a long time...
I've wondered how many other people out there are like this.
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@Cernovich
I deal with this too, but as a mom. Childless, unmarried women telling me how to be a mother.
Cutest efforts. 🥰 I wish I was as adorably invasive as they are...
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@Motivateme247
YES. 👏
The truth always comes out. Be patient. Trust the process.
In the meantime, live well. That'll show the people believing lies where the truth really is...
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@Theholisticpsyc
Growing up in the church and being apart of various religious groups throughout the years, I was taught that anger was always and forever a “sin”.
So when I experienced trauma as a teen, I remember the guilt and shame I received when I felt angry about it. Even just confessing
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@nakedpastor
Meanwhile I'm over here like this to those pastors:
"Spewing narcissism again? Let me pray for you"
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@thelindsgoodman
"I'm healing better than you"
The audacity to imply that one's own healing is somehow more effective than another person's, as if we are all the same person.
😅🤣
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@TheoManBabies
This reminds me of what happened to me 10 years ago. I was at a new "friend"'s house. Our kids were playing outside while the mom and I were inside drinking coffee.
Suddenly her oldest son came running into the house. "MOM! One of her kids picked up a stick and waved it around
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@TheoManBabies
I did the yard work, fixed the garage door and took out the garbage whilst singing about the downfall of the Christian patriarchy. T'was a beautiful morning of masculinity.
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@_nomadic_soul
These same men would be shocked to find out that some women are gifted IQ while theirs sits at a comfortable 90. They probably think Marie Curie was a dude wearing a dress. 🙃
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@adamfare1996
Not so ironically, the people who always said "Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" when I was growing up...were my emotional abusers.
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@TheTransformedW
When Lori says that she was called to teach younger women, who called her? The Devil?
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@TheOracleReadsU
Yes!
And being kind sometimes means:
1. Lovingly telling someone the real truth about themselves
2. Lovingly telling someone what you aren’t willing to put up with
Kindness is not always synonymous with “nice”.
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Watch out for the trauma survivors. They are the toughest, most resilient, badass souls you will ever meet.
Mess with them, and they'll give you a healthy dose of boundaries and conviction, adding to their arsenal of testimonies.
"Doormat" does not define them anymore...
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@defnot3owls
Yes!!!
I do think people need to be more respectful to moms. I even had a sign on my door saying "baby sleeping".
But I still could have been kinder to those young guys. They definitely did not deserve me berating and harshly lecturing them 😬😢
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@DrMcFillin
In my life, I have found that the “craziest” of people have called me crazy…
Projection is quite the irony.
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And Christians need to stop telling abuse victims to forgive, and start telling their abusers to repent and change...
Therapists need to stop telling abuse survivors to forgive their abusers. FORGIVENESS IS NOT REQUIRED FOR HEALING.
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@WilySurvivor
*After trying to destroy my family's life*
"I am sorry that you think I did something wrong. Shalom"
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Deconstruction is a way of LIFE!
Christians either love or hate that word, but it's important. Here's why...
@Malliard
thank you for tagging me in your tweet about your episode with
@nakedpastor
. Just finished listening. This is my video response.
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Someone who still goes to the abusive church that I left asked me the other day, "Why do you post so much anti church stuff?"
A part from the obvious fact that it abused me, this is why we religious trauma survivors are vocal about problems in the church:
1. Sharing our stories
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“Upset religious people” is my expertise…
Last week I upset a religious person because I had too much joy.
Remember the Pharisee golden rule: If you’re having fun, it’s probably a sin.
The Pharisees & the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples Why do you eat & drink with tax collectors & sinners?
Jesus said, It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance
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@rachkmc
@TheoManBabies
Me too. Why is she letting her daughters read when they could be making a sandwich?
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@Theholisticpsyc
By choosing to cut out toxicity, we are simultaneously choosing our value.
It's worth it. I promise!
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@getabass
@godlywomanhood
God wasn't done with her yet so we could glean the entertainment benefits of her silly posts.
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@helmyyelmo
YES.
I had a friendship like this a few years ago so I conducted a fun little test. I just stopped contacting her.
It’s been 5 years. All I hear is crickets. 😅 🦗
When this happens, it’s OK. Better to cut down a dead tree then to keep trying to water it.
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@laurchas22
Too many churches like this operating like an anarcho tyranny...
It's sickening. It's evil. And it needs deconstructing.
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@nate_postlethwt
This was me.
I walked away from Christianity for a few years after I was pushed away BY MY CHURCH for struggling with my faith and being tempted to sin.
Then those same people encouraged others to shun me 🤣
When I came back to God, it certainly wasn't because of the church.
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@WarriorZoltar
We need to normalize this. It's narrow minded to believe it's automatically a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
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@laurchas22
After I told all of my friends about the abuses I encountered at the church we went to, they continued to go. And not only did they continue to go, they regularly shared his sermons on social media. Including the ones who witnessed what happened to me. Willful blindness...
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@TheoManBabies
I must be really masculine then because I prefer using tools and doing yard work instead of being in the kitchen. Here I am being a Jezebel again.
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