george
@stackofbears
Followers
828
Following
365
Media
51
Statuses
1,125
Me and my buddies are taking turns freestyling but I keep bringing it back to the Fibonacci sequence
Joined October 2011
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
Feeling lonely and out of place at this party. I quietly retreat to the corner, backing into a tall potted ficus. Its frond brushes gently at my shoulder. I swing at it with a decisive right hook because I think it's a bee
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My favorite idiom is "too many cooks in the kitchen". It's like a story. I can really see all those cooks in that kitchen. And it is not going well
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Data warning. You've used 2GB of data. Once the data lakes dry up, there won't be any data left. The data trout will die. You need to be more careful. A magistrate of the trout has been dispatched to rough you up a bit.
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Have fun getting fishy fingers in the stingray touch tank, losers, I'm just here to scope the belugas (turning and gazing into the soulful eyes of a moray eel for the first time) My God
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My son refuses to take the cold plunge. I tell him, son, the water is for your health. Cold is energizing. Get in the water, or you will not become multinational CEO, you will not become expert computer programmer. He says to me, father, the water is cold, and so are those people
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Last night a choir of toothed crows, numbering seven, gathered at my windowsill and bade me fetch them water. I returned to them with six glasses, because I had no more than that. "Curious," they hummed, "as your windowsill has space for seven crows."
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Puffing up my lymph nodes so that I appear larger to the car salesman
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When I see someone with a clipboard: Shut up, man. I want nothing to do with this
When I see a beautiful flower: if I were only but a hair's breadth in stature, these petals could be my estate, this nectar my swimming pool, and my days would be full and leisurely
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Sharks, I come to you today because I needed a safe place to hide from the rain. Frankly, I spend most of my days in the underbrush hunting for aphids and larvae. I have no job, and I inject my prey with a paralytic toxin using my rostrum - a beaklike prolongation of my head
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The customer is always right. She comes in here every day, orders a combo meal, and whispers a foretelling. It always comes to pass. I've come to fear her as much as I covet her knowledge
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As a child, I had no concept of succotash; still, even such a meaningless thing could become real in the proclamations of a cat. And first, before anything else, what I learned was its suffering
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Hand cream directions: Place a pea-sized amount into your palm and rub your hands together
Farmer (blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pea, 3 years running): Seems excessive, but farming these peas has made my hands so rough...
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@aniceburrito
I miss when Pizza Hut was a true hut. A lean-to. You could go in there and keep dry, warm yourself by the fire, and - with any luck - trade hides with the other patrons. The pan pizzas weren't the only personal thing on the menu back then
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Maximizing a window is such an intimate gesture, it's like telling your web browser, yes, I'm ready for all you have to offer
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Your Honor, in the interest of full transparency, I've supplied the court with a list of my vices. First among them, you'll find my penchant for japery and sport. Second is my tendency to dawdle
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When you "devein" a shrimp, that dark line's not actually a vein. That is the shrimp's soul
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In my new model of therapy, you're assigned to mentor someone even worse off than you. In turn, they mentor someone else, and so on; finally, at the bottom of all this is the lowly shrew, humblest of creatures
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I refuse to learn the apothecary's weird lingo. I want a small, not a "paltry". If I order a medium potion and someone asks "so a ponderous?" I will say "no, a medium"
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Good morning, everyone! Thank you for participating in this experiment. There are cameras there, there, and there. My team's collected everything we need, you're free to go
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I saw a viral video where a dog and a moth were friends. The moth settled on the dog's nose and said, "You know this cannot last, for my kind are short for this life. As are yours, and the trees, but so time plays this desperate trick of scale that leads us all to folly." So cute
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Perpetual stew? Let's talk perpetual dew. All the leaves in the valley, sparkling with sweet, delicate dewdrops, all the time. Sound like paradise? Well, you've just imagined a breeding ground for fungal disease and bacterial wilt. All to satisfy your whimsical little perversions
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(giving a thermodynamics lecture) The heat of a microwave - a foolish heat. An imitator. The heat of an oven, however? True heat. From the earth. This is... sorry- this is the culinary womb... (turning to write WOMB on the blackboard so they can't see my tears welling up)
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@dodgonkulator
"Behind!" Have you seen how many cooks there are here? Someone's always behind!
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Googling "can arthropods love you back" to see if anything's changed since this morning
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@612jack
LeashLawLarry • 1h ago
Lately I've been opening with "Scorcher today, huh?"
⇧ -28 ⇩
⊕ 10 more replies
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I'm moving to a new site for weird little freaks called "little freak place". The posts are called "musings" and you can "refreak" them. It's actually super easy to get 10k cherishes with a quote freak like "this goes hard on big freak place"
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@0xabad1dea
I simply want to iterate the nonetype. They're hiding something from us in there, and it just isn't right
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(Family Feud fast money round) Name an appliance? Garbage disposal. Dip? Bean. Noble gas? Argon. Something you do on Sundays? Take out the trash. Something you'd hear in the summer? The mournful cry of the loon (buzzer sounds) Uh, the loon's mournful cry (buzzer sounds) Uh,
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It's been Monday for ten or eleven years now. Hard to tell. You send an email to the Tuesday commission; they say to expect an answer in six weeks, but at this rate there's no such thing. You look at the clock. 3:30 again
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(First night as a bouncer) Sorry, man, can't let you in. Come back when your soul is gentle
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"Can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs" Yeah watch this (I delicately shake an egg, then put it over a low heat, turn it, heat it more. Eventually I peel the shell away to reveal a tiny model of a hillside Italian town; you hear the faint ringing of church bells)
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Hey, we were all thinking of getting lost in the desert, forging a real human connection out of necessity, finally finding our way back home, and then slowly growing apart as she pressures of society estrange us from the truth we found out there, you coming with?
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@thingskatedid
By giving your program a chance to misbehave, you also give it a chance to earn a little treat
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Walking through a beautiful forest googling "health benefits of leaves"
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Top Artists
1 A chorus of grackles in the old oak
2 A rush of wind through the lattice fence
3 Creek water tumbling over a pocket of stones
4 A night so still you'd swear there was nothing at all
5 The lowly katydid
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(thinking I'm genuinely connecting with the amazon delivery guy) do you mind if I overshare? I swallowed a bug on my bike yesterday and I think it's still crawling around inside me
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In five years? Well, I see myself by a pond. And out among the reeds, there's something like a deer, and I feel a strange kinship with it, like I should have met this thing before; I call out to it, but by then it's already gone, taken quiet into the brush. Something like that
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I'm sorry, we can't accept you for this position. During our interview I detected a real lust for human connection in you, and that just isn't gonna work. You would die within these walls without ever realizing it
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@mountain_ghosts
before going to bed, i kiss my copy of clean code. I added eight new test cases today so the lines in our test suite would outnumber the rest of the codebase. Tomorrow I hope to define forty or fifty kinds of Object,
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Hey man, how've you been! Just wanted to let you know you might start acting different since I accessed your mind in my dream last night and hit a button labeled PERSONALITY RESET
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It's so humiliating when someone holds me over the bath and watches me paddle my little feet like I'm trying to swim
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Oh, you're awake! You must have questions, but be not afraid: in your slumber, I constructed a true-to-scale ant colony around you, and you are now its queen. I've taken every precaution to ensure they will not reject you
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(so mad my eyes are shaking) I just don't know why you'd step on a leaf I was clearly about to go for
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You'd insult my sandwichmaking? Let me teach you some theory. It's true, I do pile the ingredients high. Most of that stays on, but whatever falls off becomes part of the "slaw". In principle, the slaw is like a salad that you prepare by eating the sandwich
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It's very important to have one hot drink and one cold drink on hand at all times. Can't really explain it, sorry, do your own research
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When I quit my job at the end of the week I've decided to celebrate by drinking from the Tall Glass
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"You drive so gently, yet with such purpose" - This is every man's favorite compliment, try it out and his heart is yours
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Chastise though I might, my pikemen continue using their implements of war to enact gestures most repulsive...
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At the bank. Utilizing my knowledge of evolutionary biology, I choose to give off a scent that triggers an acute pity response in the teller. Lollipop acquired
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Boba shop with vitamins in the pearls. Dayquil boba. Mystery sludge boba shop. Something's alive in the boba and you can take it home
Pitch me. Articulate your idea in 200 characters or less.
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These three days in June were big for me
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Every library has books no one ever checks out. You can pull them from the shelf and store whatever you want back there; I do this with delicious little Kalamata olives. The square footage I occupy with this method rivals that of most bay area homes
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Once I was touring an apartment complex and our guide brought us out to this spot between the units where he was captivated by the way the windows reflected sunlight onto the blacktop. We all stood there and stared at it wondering, how could that happen? Lived there for two years
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I'm on the jury at your trial right now. They said I should take this seriously, but I've been acting silly the whole time. Making balloon animals and stuff, playing with the lightsaber app on my phone. Just did the stairs joke in the jury box. Judge has had it up to here with me
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As your new manager, there are a couple things I need to tell you. First, the work is easy. The hard part will be finding out why I want you to do it. Do you like puzzles? (looks at watch) We need to flush all the toilets in the building. Like right now
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My PC dies in the night. When I wake, Chrome begins restoring my tabs, forcing me to watch eons of human history replayed before my eyes: the joys, the pains, all its innocence and loneliness, and I weep, for I know I am not fit to receive this message. It cannot be meant for me
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Invented a new grammatical structure called a "caroumph"; embellish a phrase with a "caroumph" mark to lend it emphasis. The catch? You must spend one "caroumph" ticket to use it. And you earn these tickets by competing in my twisted little games...
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When someone says they're "detail oriented", I throw their resumé in the trash. We all know the devil's in those things. Office morale is bad enough
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As soon as I get home today I'm signing up for a free month of Paramount+ with offer code PLAYERS and watching
#PlayersTheSeries
until my retinas detach.
And just like that, it's online, it's real. It happened. Thanks for everyone who let me do this. Who were patient with me. It's a dream come true.
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Microsoft has just announced that they're adding a new mode to windows called "rascal mode" where your computer acts like even more of a rascal
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(Psychiatrist shows me a Rorschach test)
That's a cherished mutual.
(They show me another one)
Hmm... beloved mutual.
(Once again)
Ah, one of my favorites. Maybe, one day, a mutual...
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If I were an orange, my peel would separate so readily from my flesh. You'd tug away at it and savor the visceral crack of my skin as you unsolve my puzzle, thinking, this delight will be all the sweeter
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Wow! This extraordinary moth has evolved to mimic the exact form and features of my face to dissuade birds from sitting next to it on the bus
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Everyone should be allowed one 4,000 character tweet and they can only post it right before they die
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We're off the grid here at the homestead so I spend most of my time shuffling my feet on the carpet to power my increasingly sublime array of lava lamps
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A car's color should affect the sound of its horn. Under no circumstance should a gray car sound the same as a car that's burnt orange. The very idea is ridiculous
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I'm in the dunk tank saying things like "Throwing the ball is simple; setting it down is hard", "Today you pay a price greater than park admission", "More than I fear this water, your soul should fear what you've done to it", etc
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They say they're offering free API access if your bot only tweets beautiful things
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I'm at a support group for people who eat rocks. Their teeth seem normal. They pass me a rock... I say I just ate. Told them my name was Pebble Pete. Getting nervous. No one else in here has a name like that
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Hey, hold the elevator! Hah, thanks. Third floor, huh? So you're in HR? Hey, how deep am I allowed to dig in that field next to the parking lot? I think there's something good down there, but if I hit another water main I'm canned
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Hey, I listened to your new album. Great stuff, great stuff. A lot about 'baby' and 'tonight' in there, especially the choruses. I was hoping you'd consider adding a little bit about me
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The time has come. For me to explain unicode at work. After all these years 😭
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I'd love to say some of you are from here, but that would be irresponsible. The fact is, I simply don't know
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Wife: Are you ready yet? We're gonna be late for dinner
Me (thinking I can communicate with my body's atoms through vibration): Wait. The boys don't want to go
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Explaining to my computer that it dwells solely in the torture zone while I get to cherish a lifetime of precious moments out here in the zone of blessings
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If all plant and algae life on earth died, I would leave what's left of the oxygen to those who need it. I would breathe nitrogen, the more abundant gas, instead
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I've invented a new staple grain called "kleinben". I decided it grows mostly in marshes and bogs, and it tastes like a fried egg. Maybe kids don't like the fuzzy texture. "Honey, pass the kleinben!" That sort of thing
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Whenever I'm out of coffee filters I end up building a Contraption
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(scrolling through job listings) Pay too low. Not a real job. Typo in first paragraph. Not challenging enough. Not silly enough.
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Hey, new to the neighborhood? Lemme show you around! This right here's the junction box for our block's cable. Once I got real jumbled on green tea extracts and thought that thing was trying to memorize the shape of my door lock
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It's so nice to meet you! Here, this little book has everything you need to know before we speak further. You can check my website for this edition's errata, and look out for some typographical errors in the equations on page 270. Anyway, go ahead, I'll wait 🙂
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Our researchers discovered a new file format this morning, bringing the number of known file formats to 3,342. Experiments suggest it may be suitable for describing breakfast sandwiches, making it a clear companion to .lsnd, the lunch sandwich format
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A tax auditor has arrived at my home to ask why I've claimed every creature of the forest as my dependent
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Workin' hard, or hardly workin'? Hah, that's just a little joke I like to tell. In all seriousness, we're cutting costs around here and I need to ask if you're okay with working from the supply closet. Please bring that picture of your kids with you
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@aniceburrito
I love seeing a hundred ads from something called FloobStore for a pocket you shove between your car seats or a tiny sanding plane for shaping the sole of your shoe. So useful for me
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I have this great bit about "Pontius Pilates" ready to go but nobody at the function is bringing up crucifixion or mind-body exercise. Like at all
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Hey, it's your grubhub driver, I'm at the restaurant and they're asking if you want your salad in a giant beetle husk. I- Yeah, I know, I think it's this new thing. Okay, I'll see what they - oh, no, nope. Yeah, no, they only do the husk
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Eye of newt, really? What're you, fresh outta potion school? No, no, no, look, here, here's the lithium ion battery from my laptop. Go on, toss it in
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There should be a "gentle creature registry" where you can put your name so everyone in the neighborhood knows you can do no harm
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