Ryan 🥣
@ryanposting
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(Drinking a huge mug with 30 sleepy time tea bags in it) goodbye forevr
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(First day bird watching) That’s a that’s fuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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Bro said tag yourself and picked the best car wtf
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(To Applebee’s bartender) nothing for me. Heard any good rumors lately?
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Based on the amount of pottery fragments alone, the Roman Empire may be the clumsiest empire history has ever known.
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I’m showing you a 5 minute YouTube called “doggo goes beast mode” on my cracked iPhone in the break room. I’ve already seen it so I’m looking directly at you the whole time to see your reaction
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“This cbd ain’t shit” then 45 minutes later you’re eating a light lunch 🤣
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Every NPR show is called something like The Ways in Which and it’s intended audience is people who are addicted to email
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Sorry man I wasn’t planning on going to Scarborough Fair. Good luck tho
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Every Chipotle looks like near future dystopian cafeteria. I feel like I should be eating with a kind of fidgety dude who is like “2 chits for guac? Bullshit” and dies in the first act
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No way everyone has free will. Probably just me and a couple of my boys
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They should have trick paintings in museums and if you’re caught appreciating them they shame you
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(Looking at the hot dogs on rollers at 7-Eleven and talking to the cashier): this is quite the operation you got going on here
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The Slinky was almost not released in American stores because the development team thought its reluctant descent down the stairs would be “too poignant”.
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When I get a good hang out going I like to throw in a “this is fun” so everyone is on the same page
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If I saw the loch ness monster I would be so tranquil and chill about it that my demeanor would calm down anyone with me including the monster itself
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Hey thanks for having me I gotta go yeah no i chugged one of your craft olive oils thinking it was a beer so I gotta head out, lovely place though.
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Clueless White guy orders McDonalds in perfect iambic pentameter, no one notices
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Small talk has gotten more intense since I started gambling on the weather
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When they finished designing the biohazard symbol they must’ve been like hell yeah we knocked this shit out of the park
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Novel : Beyond the ridge was an embankment near the inlet where the copse tapers off to reveal a massive viaduct.
Me: wow it’s like I’m right there
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Daughter ate a handful of sour cream thinking it was ice cream and she slapped the table like it was a bad shot at a bar
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Donald Trump holding a rally in Hyrule: Tingle, where’s Tingle?
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Looking at the designs on the lighters while the gas station guy rings me up
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Ousted from the birdwatching group after they discovered a slingshot and a tiny spit roast in my cargo vest
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Me (nodded off at desk) : Babylon is…good? It’s a…a good place.
Teacher: Well that’s news to me… please… enlighten us
*Entire Roots Reggae 101 class breaks out in laughter*
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Excerpt from my soft sci fi book: The spaceship was super complicated. I’m not going to get into it, but just know there was a lot going down with it. Anyway, the aliens had just regular guns…
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Ancient people must have been so clumsy the way they were leaving pottery fragments everywhere
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(Millions of ants in a trench coat voice) do u have any music for bugs
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If I can smell you cooking dinner from outside your house I should be allowed in for a plate
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Me on deathbed: please burn all of my manuscripts, please don’t get them published after my death 😏
My closest, dumbest homie: ok *burns all of my manuscripts*
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(Clearly incredibly angry after street magician does a card trick on me) ok, respect
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Clowns don’t need to wear all that make up to be funny. Natural is better ❤️
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Thought this was a butterflied pitbull at first
two horses lying down one with its head laid on top of the other relaxing resting together
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Clowns wouldn’t eat that. They’d eat cotton candy or something
bagel place had “cream cheese tomato pickle” on the menu and I thought ok maybe they know something I don’t so I got it. they don’t know shit. this is clown food
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Caught an anthropologist making field notes of my lifeways. Sprayed em with the hose
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Ancient Greek guy gets home from work sits down and looks at a vase depicting the Apotheosis of Heracles until it’s time for bed
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Going out into the woods to farm XP on squirrels before confronting my work bully
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Waiter with demons: I’d recommend the brownie sundae, but I’ve made some bad choices in my life
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Daytime TV is wild. This is how Drew Barrymore reacted to an audience member saying that their mom makes her own pickles.
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Regretting not purchasing the traumatized dog salt and pepper shakers
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There had to be someone somewhere in pre Christian England making drum and bass on earthenware pots and animal skins and shit like that
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The peak of upper middle class wealth is having a garage fridge stocked with the worst sodas imaginable
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Night janitor at a business school writing “with” between “Save Money” and “The Best Deals” on the classroom blackboard
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I’m at the water cooler revealing the hidden depths of my character to my colleagues.
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Me and the boys are hanging out on our tummies to improve our neck strength
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Sad King: I'd issue an edict, but I suck at those and who would even listen :(
Advisor (rolling eyes): Ah, man, no your edicts are great haha. The court loves your edicts
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In a different life I would’ve been an HVAC technician. Ah but this is nonsense (tears welling up) a child’s fantasy
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(addicted to huffing magic markers voice) welp, back to the drawing board I guess
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