Alita: Battle Angel stan account
@punished_picnic
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talk to your doctor to see if kissing my freaking ass is right for you
he/him
Joined December 2017
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Pinned Tweet
I've been meaning to do this for a while - here's all the projects I've done/lead over the past couple of years that might have gotten lost recently. please check them out!
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here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
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my 2 month old: i cant sleep daddy i’m afraid of frankenstein
me: haha dont you mean frankenstein’s monster
my 3 month old: i do not. personally i find unethical and irresponsible scientific practice far more terrifying than any physical being and so should you
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disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
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i just got a youtube ad for a testosterone supplement and no joke it was like 15 guys giving testimonials about 'how big their loads are now'. all of them used the word load over and over again. I can't find the video in non ad form or I'd share it. please believe me
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imagine commenting ‘men made halo’ under a photograph of a group of women who made halo
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i’ll be honest he doesn’t look that live
A live rat fell from the ceiling of a Buffalo Wild Wings and landed on a customer’s table:
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i like that twitter uses a quill for the tweet creation button, evoking the imagery of great shakespearean works which immeasurably shaped the written word with their beauty. i click on that button and write ‘dick on sad mode’
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every british movie is called 'merry christmas mister crumpet' and its about an 8 year old boy who watches his elderly neighbour die
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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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Mocking Funko Pops is not only a form of elitism but it's inherently classist given the accessibility of (gets a brief glimpse of a funko pop) Oh jesus Christ. uhh. as I was saying the bourgeois... why are it's eyes like that... uh the uh... the affordability... jesus christ
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look at these texts from my cleaning lady
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just overheard 2 guys talking about superheroes and one said: “i’d be spider-man because i’d have a mask and i could do whatever the fuck i want”
buddy that’s not spider-man that’s just a mask. you can go buy a mask
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am i being fucked with here. are you honestly telling me even a single person believed this image was not photoshopped
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This sentence written in my own blood on the wall of my shower
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Me: When I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank Grandson: His mind is clearly degraded. That cannot be true. The old man is dying
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About to see the Dune double bill. There better not be any political conflicts or science fiction shit. Also i hate sand
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my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies
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here’s my impression of a verified twitter account telling a very simple anecdote:
So now i’m in the bathroom. The leaf is still in my pocket. I repeat - the leaf is still in my pocket at this point. And where am I? THE BATHROOM. (26/65)
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the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
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all the gluten they take out of gluten free bread has been kept and is going into the recipe for a new flavour of Mountain Dew - ‘Wheat Missile’
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it sure is taking a while to find a woman who looks exactly like melania
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me 3 hours later: ...are my loads too small
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me: peppa pig savage af
my grandfather, who fought in the war and watched his best friends die: what
me: peppy pig savage af
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i used some no more tears shampoo in 1997 and i have felt nothing since
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i realise my child’s age is confusing but this conversation happened at midnight (any parents will understand!) and my child became a 3 month old as i was speaking. i didn’t want to make any part of the story untrue because i owe it to all of you to be honest
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it’s hilarious how jk rowling spent the past few years trying to retrofit harry potter with lgbt and non white characters and then gets the opportunity to write another story with fantastic beasts and just makes all the main characters straight white people again
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orgy organiser: Hello welcome to the orgy :)
me: thanks im looking forward to fucking everybody
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some nerd: not if you know how to pick fruit correctly 🤓
me: bravo sir. while you are busy running your various tests on a mango ill be elsewhere experiencing Joy
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they say there is no after credits scene for avengers endgame but there is! and it’s a fully interactive experience! wait till the lights go up and sit there a while, a new character called ‘the manager’ will appear and make you leave! i don’t know if i’m still in the movie now
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before you reply to my silly funny haha joke with either ‘doritos have different amounts of flavour on them’ or ‘buy organic fruit’ please consider that i have already been repeatedly told both of these things for the past 9 hours and they’re both wrong. thanks
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over the years there have been a lot of places to sit down, but if you want a classic sitting down experience, you have to go with a chair
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zookeeper: please don’t throw reeses cups at the penguins
me: they eating them tho
zookeeper: oh shit they eating them tho
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every american movie is called 'speeding bullet' and its about an alcoholic misogynist killing three hundred foreigners to save an annoying little girl
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twitter: hey you know that tweet that guy made 16 hours ago that you didn’t really like? here it is again also here are a bunch of tweets your friends liked but didn’t retweet because they didn’t want to share them with you but now we’re sharing them with you anyway
me: thank you
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if you had to eat the meat of any of the original 150 Pokemon, which one would it be and why
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I DON’T NEED TO KNOW IF YOU LOVE FRUIT OR HATE DORITOS!!!!!!! I DON’T KNOW YOU!!!!! I DON’T CARE!!!!!
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(david byrne voice) this is not (borat voice) my (david byrne voice) beautiful (borat voice) wife
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
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wtf just saw kirby leaving my house in the shape of my wifes ass
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i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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@GraceSpelman
my family made our own cards against humanity last christmas and i told my grandma to ‘write something offensive’. halfway through the game i found myself unable to breathe after turning over a card in her handwriting which read ‘rot in hell you cunt’
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police asked me to identify my son’s body. it wasn’t my son but this kid looked way cooler than my son so i said it was my son
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is anyone a lawyer. my doctor replaced my kidney with a kidney bean and when i complained he called me a ‘bean ass’
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we shouldn’t know about those fish that live in the really dark parts of the ocean. sorry but that’s none of our business and we should not know about it
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group chat hasn’t responded to my latest messages
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me: hello
wife: hello
me: i love you
wife: sorry but i love my husband
i said wife... didn’t say it was MY wife. follow for more interesting tweets that make you think 🤔
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holy shit thanks for the heads up i guess i better get the fuck out of here
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every french movie is called 'the fool who loved' and its about a perverted husband who kills himself because he finds out his wife is even more perverted than he is
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you ever think about how shaggy named his dog ‘scooby doo’
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me: Unfollow me right now if you are a bigot.
one of my followers: I am a bigot but i refuse to unfollow. your tweets are just too good
me: so be it
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every japanese movie is called 'a fish cannot live in tears' and its about a woman who murders a deer and then feels so guilty she becomes the deer and lives in the forest
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why is there a gaming chair in this picture
Back in Central City! New episode airs tonight at 8/7c! Stream tomorrow free only on The CW.
#TheFlash
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i was home alone and tried to set traps for burglars like the movie but my parents just came home and died
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unintended side effect of this is that i’m spending the day talking about cum with dozens of strangers
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this reply is kind of the actual punchline but it’s ok
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every german movie is called ‘the berlin incident’ and it’s about a historical event nobody has ever heard of and it stars 12 guys who look nearly identical
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every chinese movie is called 'legend of the warrior' and its about a man who betrays the people he's meant to be betraying some other people for but ends up getting betrayed by the people who he was betraying his betrayers for
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[sees a bee on my wife’s arm]
babe...stay still...
[using newspaper as a megaphone]
AFTER INVESTIGATING YOUR APPEAL, WE HAVE DETERMINED THAT YOUR ACCOUNT POSTED CONTENT THAT WAS THREATENING AND/OR PROMOTING VIOLENCE IN VIOLATION OF THE TWITTER TERMS OF SERVICE
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me flushing the toilet after i pee
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every danish movie is called 'the dinner' and its about a family reunion where it is revealed that every single member of the family is secretly in love with each other and it ends with the patriarch having a heart attack after eating too much fish paste
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every korean movie is called 'Mister Sadness' and its about a baker getting revenge on a serial killer and its really really good
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mitt romneys midwife: whats his name
mitt romneys dad: mitt
mitt romneys midwife: sorry i cant hear you
mitt romneys dad: mitt
mitt romneys midwife: i keep mishearing you it sounds like youre saying mitt
mitt romneys dad: mitt
mitt romneys midwife: oh youre actually saying mitt
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@KrangTNelson
bernie: 1 in 6 dice rolls yields a result of only 1
me: sir i managed to roll a 3. you fool
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every australian movie is called ‘the big plan’ and it’s about a group of people trying to save a local statue of a carrot, and they do not succeed
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100,000 retweets and my wife will let us have a rick and monty themed wedding
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marvel: 'infinity war is the most ambitious crossover event in history'
me: [a photo of gumby]
follower: that’s not how the meme works actu-
me: Shut The Fuck Up
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the name roy is short for Roymond
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stepping out a second too early and getting pinball flipped into a bus
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what if i started a second podcast called How I Would Cook and Eat Every Single Pokemon
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you: have you seen the latest dog rates scandal
me: no i am still focused on the first dog rates scandal. which is that it fuckin sucks ass
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i call macaroni elbow pasta because every night i am elbow deep in it looking for my keys
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every italian movie is called 'the blood of death' and its about a sexually liberated nun who drives off a cliff for no reason
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(passing a joint back to a guy at a party) thanks man. I really enjoyed sucking on that thing
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every indian movie is called 'my funny ghost' and its a 5 hour long remake with at least two musical numbers about wearing sunglasses
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im on the seaweed diet - i see weed and i smoke it bitch!!!
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me: i have a perfect part for you
daniel day lewis: sorry but i have retired from acting permanently
me: damn, guess i’ll have to find someone else to play “guy who gets to see some boobs”...
daniel day lewis: well hold on just a second
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us: fix the reporting system
twitter: no more likes
us: fix the reporting system
twitter: retweets now cost $6 and are called ‘blimpos’
us: just fi-
twitter: sorry twitter is now available only on the Nintendo Gamecube
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every spanish movie is called 'looking at the sky' and its about a blind man trying to relax in a beach house while his wife tortures him
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guys please stop making fun of jeffrey toobin ok. he just facetimed me crying and i had to comfort him. i know it’s easy to... oh no... oh no what’s he doing now? jeffrey no! jeffrey no!!!!
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my favourite shit is when i arrive in a town and purchase mead from the tavern, then bump into a guy who says ‘watch it, traveller’
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this is by no means celine dions best life. i have seen through countless realities and there is a world in which celine rules the entire western hemisphere with an iron fist from a throne of pure emeralds. dumbass
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i wish muppets were a real thing. like some people were just muppets. there would be one guy at your office who was a muppet. one of your neighbours would be a muppet
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got a name for guys who wear wolf shirts - wearwolves
pay me for this
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@KrangTNelson
I wonder what it says about the whole culture of these things when these guys are constantly falling for scams. just kidding I know what it says
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just got drafted into the war on christmas. this time tomorrow i’ll be trading gunfire with elves.
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