Em
@EmAsInMoney
Followers
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Statuses
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sexting is hilarious, when you think about it. like this email truly should've been a meeting.
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obsessed with the way this wikipedia article is like, "being bisexual doesn't make her confused at all. she's simply afraid of horses."
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At the DMV with a 2 year old and a new baby. Both of whom have been excellent and well-behaved for over an hour, but they just started crying at the same time. Woman just asked me to "do something, cuz they're bothering other people.". So I did something. Told her to fuck off.
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ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions.
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@skankzila @cassaleigh_ No joke, I once tweeted something like "some of you don't know the difference between millenials and 'kids today' and it shows" and a lady went ballastic on me. Cuz she didn't know the difference. And. It. Shoooooowed.
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If she asks you "what should I make for dinner" after 6pm, the answer she is looking for is "takeout".
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@ZachWLambert other kids overheard me explain the reasons why i would not sign, everyone went "hey wait a minute, yeah! that's dumb". they all tore up their pledge cards & the youth pastor called my mom to tattle on me. she also thought it was stupid & took my side.
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@aliceseba yeah idk, it’s possible i don’t how to be petty very well but it felt petty to me at the time. the overdone scream to embarrass him was possibly a little more than strictly necessary.
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@ZachWLambert youth group went to ATF, where they were doing a "crush the crush" pledge. (no sex, kissing, dating, OR HAVING A CRUSH on anyone). everyone signed except me. pastor confronted me, i said i was uncomfortable with promising not to have feelings & i felt that it would be a lie.
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@MilfParade okay no wait because i get it because real talk— there's just no way that narwhals are real. like literally no way.
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you wanna know the secret to cooking amazing chicken breasts every time? . use chicken thighs.
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I was telling my husband that I got another offer from a Twitter stranger to be his sugar baby, at $200 every 3 days. But he pointed out that's only $24k a year - which is like barely minimum wage - and he thinks I can definitely do better.
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Yesterday, a woman told me she was glad my husband and I were being "rewarded" with a pregnancy, for adopting my son. I waited till now to write about this, cuz I don't wanna rage tweet. But this is an important topic to me, and I do have some things I want to say. (Thread).
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new bio be like:. not confused because it's not confusing. not interested in working with homophobes. ✨afraid of horses✨.
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@punished_cait one time i tweeted something to the effect of "find your favorite human & marry them" & approximately 600 mommy accounts came out to yell at me because apparently my husband isn't allowed to be my favorite human. i'm supposed to prefer my children to him & i'm obvi a bad mom 💁🏼♀️.
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I just bottle fed a baby with one hand and ate three soft tacos with the other, in a sundress, and didn't spill once. It's a proud day for me, as a mom and a lover of Mexican food.
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Shameless selfie drop, for no other reason than because my new hair color's got me feelin' like a smokeshow. #greenerunaway
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@parilani @ZachWLambert 😂 😭 if they had just left me alone, they had literally every other kid. i wasn't going to say anything. it was so fucking funny.
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someone explain to my toddler why she can't eat a waffle in the bathtub.
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@heathwestfield To be fair, I have the nerve to be wearing a bikini right now. Which obviously means that I was expecting to be evaluated like a Miss America contestant. Clearly brought this on myself.
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My pregnancy is a cool thing, but it is not a "reward" for adopting my son. He is not the price I had to pay so I could have a superior parenting experience. Please don't treat humans this way. It's damaging and it's ugly. And it makes parents more than a little mad.
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i could never fault someone for being an attention whore. i mean, just look at me. i said just look at me.
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"Left unchecked, it could.topple walls with its.delicate little fingers. "Plant it and it might .stay forever. The thought makes me.flush like fall leaves, rosy.with the pleasure of it. Even after I leave .this house,.I have planted ivy.". - I Have Planted Ivy, Kate Jarvik Birch
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@GGraphicsinc Oh my gosh. Please tell me that upon hearing this, you bought the kid a pony. ❤️.
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Did you know it's actually very easy to spend like $100 on cheese?.
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I will mansplain to you why Die Hard is a Christmas movie all damn day, don't test me.
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completely straight women don't make any sense to me. like have you SEEN other women?? you're telling me you really don't even wanna makeout a little? idk babe it kinda sounds like you're letting the patriarchy win, but whatevs i guess.
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@twothickscoops lol and then everyone adds disclaimers at the end like, "or if you don't want to do anything i said, that's totally okay!". and then people get mad because they feel condescended to. "gee, thanks for your permission to not wear a hat with that coat. so glad you said it's okay".
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I've been doing yoga for four days now and I'm still not flexible or filled with inner peace. This is bullshit.
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My adopted kid has never been a consolation prize to me. We picked him, on purpose. Even the couples I know who have had to deal with infertility/miscarriages don't feel that their adopted children are knock-offs of the real thing. Adopted kids ARE the real thing.
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I'm very easily impressed. People tell me they're going on their daily run and I'm just like, wow ok Greek god. Didn't realize I was friends with one of the Avengers. Fuck.
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I'm having a really rough week. But right now, I'm lying in bed and listening to my 2 year old tell stories to my husband in the other room of all the fun stuff he's done this week. I managed to make his week not suck, despite how overwhelmed I have been. It's helping. ❤️.
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My adopted kid is also not a good deed I did so that people will throw me a parade or so that I can get into the VIP section in heaven. He's my son. He's not any less my child than the one I'm pregnant with right now.
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my kid is taking all his worldly possessions to bed with him like he's pharaoh getting ready for the afterlife.
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Guy at the store just told me to ENJOY ALL THOSE CHILDREN 🙄 🙄 🙄. By which he apparently meant the one that I have and the one that I am pregnant with. So I've decided to make money off of how extra I am. Please tune in soon to my new reality TV show: .1.5 Kids & Counting.
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@emilykmay isn’t it like a 50s term they just held on to? . i also feel like my childhood definitely prepared me to hear the word “midriff” like way more frequently than i do.
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I may be poor. But I have all the kitchen gadgets of a well-established middle class 45 year old. So if you want soft boiled eggs or frothed milk for your coffee, I gotchu. Just bring eggs, milk, and coffee. .
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Um, hi. Pretty rude none of you informed me HOW BAD THESE CONTRACTIONS WERE GONNA HURT. But whatever.
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When someone is pregnant, you don't tell them how amazing and brave and good they are for doing that. You say congratulations. Congratulations is also appropriate to say when someone announces they will be adopting a child.
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okay so i am going to mute this, but the answers to your questions are yes, kristen stewart should definitely be your new best friend because you're also bi & scared of horses and no, hippophobic does actually make sense because hippo is greek for horse. okay, love you. night.
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I did not adopt my son so that people would tell me what a good person I am. I adopted him because I have been in love with him since the moment I knew he existed. And I went through hell to make him mine.
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I've been married to my best friend for 5 years today. He is a man of integrity, who loves the truth and who keeps his word. He makes me laugh and he makes me think. He makes me stronger, and I would hate taking on this world with anyone but him by my side. He is my home. ❤️.
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He said I wasn't that high maintenance, so I showed him the chart I made of emojis I find unacceptable.
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i cannot imagine running for fun. i can barely imagine running for safety. like, maybe i just let the monster eat me. i had a pretty good life.
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Guys. My sister's name is actually Karen. Could we maybe find a different name to pick on? . Not because I find it offensive. It's just that I swear, she's getting worse now.
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It is not your business to ask someone if they are adopting because they are infertile. If they feel like sharing that story with you, that's great. But let them bring it up. There is zero need to discuss their motives. It's absolutely irrelevant. Just celebrate with them!.
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@GGraphicsinc Also, whatever the grown up version of a pony is, for yourself, for good parenting. It's probably just some kind of alcohol, isn't it?.
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Without telling me any useful information, still vaguely respond to me.
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My 4 year old just cried, "I'm hungry, but I'm not hungry!" for like three minutes and when he finally calmed down enough for us to get an explanation all he would say was, "Cheese!".
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Ever had that friend who predicts exactly who will turn out to be a little bitch, before anyone else even thinks to suspect it?. Your own private Nostradickmus, if you will.
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. i need someone to come physically remove my car keys & my wallet from me, because why do i feel like i need to do this now??
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No, I don't have a Twitter crush. But I do have a Twitter nemesis.
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I've always been a stereo with the volume turned up too high. You just didn't mind it back when you liked the song.
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If someone compliments your dress, and you don't inform them it has pockets, do they take away your girl card?.
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First time I took the baby out of the house and the first time I got mom-shamed about the baby. Big day for us. ⭐️.
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My husband and I have never been infertile. We've not had to deal with miscarriages either. My heart breaks for people who go through that, but I can only imagine how awful that is, because it's not my story. People wrongly assume it's every adoptive parent's story.
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My son is three-splaining me. That's when he tells me how life and stuff works, but a lot of it is just made up.
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Yesterday, I was amazed by how mean a person can be to a complete stranger. Today, I woke up to an overwhelming amount of notifications from you guys - and I'm in awe of how kind people can be to a complete stranger. Thank you Twitter, for being kind. 😘.
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I went to college with this sweet girl named Beth who wanted to be a dental hygienist. People would ask her why, so she'd tell em, "I just really love teeth & I want to touch other peoples'!". I like to think she's out there happy & also maybe not a serial killer.
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Welp. It finally happened. Someone accused me of buying my followers. Which is ridiculous. I just pay Twitter a small monthly fee to adjust the follower count on my timeline. Duh.
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When someone picks a fight with you, but then blocks you like two tweets into it, that's called premature e-blockulation. And it's not satisfying anybody.
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