Pointless Letters
@pointlesslettrs
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Ever read a letter in a paper and immediately thought Eh? afterwards? Yeah, that. All contributions welcome. They’re all real, and definitely not from the Viz.
In search of a point
Joined July 2010
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BREAKING: Man who failed to get elected to Parliament 7 times but has been on Question Time 28 times has a hissy fit at BBC impartiality.
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MAXIMUM PARTRIDGE HAS BEEN ACHIEVED
REPEAT
MAXIMUM PARTRIDGE HAS BEEN ACHIEVED
(with many thanks to
@IWCPEmily
and
@iwcponline
!)
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It’s almost as if they’re not grateful for the utterly empty gesture that didn’t actually help them in any way whatsoever, Paul.
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Bob there, apparently struggling with the idea that when we leave the EU, we won’t be able to access the benefits that we have as members of the EU, like passport lanes for people from EU member countries because we won’t...be in....the EU.
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It's hard to top "trap everyone on the Isle of Wight until they're 10" but that last line actually manages it. Amazing stuff.
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Mate what sort of information do you think caterers ask for?
"Yeah, for Fred's birthday, that's 17 kids. One's vegetarian. Thanks."
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I think what’s been most amazing over the past two and a half years is how the narrative has managed, with a smooth change of gears, to go from “We’ll all be better off to the tune of hundreds of millions a week” to “We can just forage for seaweed, who needs fresh food anyway?”
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For someone who’s being silenced, I wish he’d shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes
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Somewhere in Specsavers, the marketing department are furiously joining Zoom calls trying to decide if tweeting “HE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS” is a good idea
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“No spoilers for what’s coming in 2021 but let’s just say that the ability to live through food shortages while remembering to doff your cap and thank the toffs for the privilege will be a definite plus.”
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FROM THE ARCHIVES: I have to ask, was anyone in the UK ever stopped or forbidden from eating beef dripping?
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For today, I think we need gentle, rambling pointlessness. We need reminding of the good things in little moments. Be kind.
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There’s literally no bottom to Sarah Vine’s capacity to go low on any given subject, is there?
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I’m willing to bet £10 right now that if any of those schoolchildren had talked to one another, Sue’s letter would have been about how noisy and unruly kids are these days.
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Siri, show me the absolute worst idea for a TV show in the recorded history of the human race, please.
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Sometimes it feels like there’s just shitty letters, nasty letters, weird letters,Brexit letters, sexist letters, racist letters, awful in whole new ways of being awful letters, incomprehensible letters, bewildering letters.....and sometimes, just sometimes, there’s a nice one.
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Prediction: he’ll cave, lift the restrictions early, thousands more will die and he’ll blame the public, but it’ll all be worth it because he’ll still be the Prime Minister, you see.
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It’s easy to look around at the world today and think it’s just a mad, angry, crazy, regressive bin fire but it’s not. Every day, in a million and one tiny ways, the 99.9% of people that are good and kind and decent are doing their best for one another. Remember that.
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The fucking cheek of them, Chris, being all Spanish and living in Madrid and not speaking English well enough to suit you. Bastards.
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Speculation whirls about identity of man Nadine Dorries claims controls British politics
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Even for the Daily Mail - and I know that’s a low bar to set - this is just disgusting.
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ON THE LEFT: The Daily Mail
ON THE RIGHT: The totally separate and absolutely unconnected Mail Online which has its own worldview.
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I can only imagine that at one point Bob has cancelled his direct debit for his gym membership then went absolutely apoplectic when he turned up for his next Zumba class and was told he wasn’t allowed in.
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“And as I lie on a hospital bed, surrounded by despairing medical staff that I’m infecting, thrashing around as I gasp for air, my lungs filling as I literally drown on dry land, I’ll think that at least I did my bit to protect the Dow Jones.”
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REASONS WHY BRITAIN IS TOTALLY RUINED THESE DAYS, NUMBER 14,933: “Cashpoint fillers disrespecting Her Majesty the Queen.”
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Meanwhile, in Grimsby, Babs is at the end of her tether
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“I’m not a massive weirdo, I’m just annoyed that I haven’t seen photographs of this baby I don’t know, who isn’t related to me, and who will never ever know I exist.”
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God, if only I had an tenth of the confidence of some random bloke writing in to the Express to mansplain to the Professor of Cardiac Pharmacology at Imperial College London why she’s wrong…
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BREAKING: Millionaire ex-City Trader rushes to meet billionaire property magnate in golden tower, declares "elite have been defeated".
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The Daily Mail: always with a finger on the pulse of popular culture
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DEAR DIARY: Today I was reminded of these three absolutely magnificent letters that I ran ages ago, and thought they were so good they deserved to be shared again.
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“What are you angry about today, Paul?”
“A title I’ve made up in my head for a book I’m not writing, that isn’t out for months, that I’m not in any way required to buy or read.”
“…mind how you go, Paul.”
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Love how this letter just escalates right at the end, there.
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"Who cares?" says Terry, so angry at the thought of a gay woman on a fictional time machine that he's writing to a national newspaper.
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Just three days into the new year and Ernie's already in the running for "Best Letter of the Year 2018".
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So close to a breakthrough at the end, there. So close.
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“Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind.”
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Siri, show me an angry bigoted homophobe raging at her daughter being happy, please
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Worth reading to the end. The very end. Last line at the very bottom.
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REASONS WHY BRITAIN IS TOTALLY RUINED THESE DAYS, NUMBER 19,592: "Fictional characters not being patriotic enough to support Brexit."
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In these unsettled times, it’s good to know that the police are always on hand to remind us that we should be in a permanent state of fear and borderline terror about the sword of Damocles hanging over all our heads.
FEEL IT
FEEL THE FEAR
FEEL IIIIIIIT
September is preparedness month. Emergencies can happen at any time and it’s recommended to have a
#GrabBag
ready containing essential items including medication, copies of important documents, food/water, torch, radio and other personal items
#30Days30WaysUK
#BePrepared
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Posh wanker writes shite on the side of a big red bus. Fuck me, I’ve time travelled back to 2016!
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Because if you’re going to take lessons on elitism from anyone, it should really be from a guy in robes bedecked in gold, carrying a gold staff, who insists that he’s speaking on behalf of the creator of the entire universe.
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FROM THE ARCHIVES: because sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that we need to enjoy the good things in little moments.
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“Excuse me, this spoon is too woke. Bring me a non-woke spoon.”
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Man hiding in a cupboard to avoid an investigation into allegations of sexual assault claims moral high ground on how patriarchy is bad.
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“You! Look at you! You! Jim in Dumbarton! Look at you, sitting there, reading the paper! Don’t you know that hordes of mutants could sweep down the Main Street at any moment? How many batteries do you have stockpiled? TOO LATE TO CHECK JIM, THE MUTANTS HAVE EATEN YOUR FAMILY.”
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“Dear Deidre, I’m an absolutely monumental prick. Can you help?”
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@Hilary_W
It’s not a tweet, admittedly, but this comment on the Daily Mail’s site will be stamped on my brain forever
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For 80 years Brian has patiently waited, marking off the names of his classmates one by one as they succumbed to the sweet embrace of infinite oblivion....every name marked off his list one step closer to his deepest secret finally coming to light.
And now, release. The truth.
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International reputation in tatters, supply chains fucked, food and supply shortages set to be permanent, food rotting in fields, staffing crisis due to shortage of workers, no £350m a week for the NHS, but hang on, here’s the Sunday Express with a big Brexit benefit…
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Can’t believe that I’m so behind in reading the Express that I missed this article, when one of the columnists of a national newspaper that regularly moans about snowflakes used *an entire page* to throw a complete shit-fit about not getting her coffee served warm enough
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Philip has been telling this story for 55 years and it’s not a lie to say it’s as gripping in 2022 as it was in 1967.
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“No email, no tweeting, not even a fax, and signs up everywhere saying sorry no blacks.”
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On this, the 54th anniversary of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin becoming the first humans to step onto the surface of the moon, I’ll never pass up the opportunity to celebrate Dinah and what might possibly be the finest diary entry ever written.
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“Right, you in the white coat, get to work on curing this disease.”
“But I’m not a virologist, I work with animals and study their behaviour.”
“Just do science.”
“But my degree is in——��
“Do. Science.”
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Bernard, is it possible your English Master back in 1952 was not, in fact, a fearless defender of freedom of speech and was actually just a massive fucking tool?
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Imagine this being something you actually want to boast about.
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NARRATOR: “Margaret never did work out that she had accidentally turned on the audio descriptions on her telly.”
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Ah, I see that we’re now fast approaching the “Actually, scurvy is good” bit of the Brexit discourse. Excellent.
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That’ll teach those shop workers on minimum wage a lesson Brian, well done.
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One of the best letters I've ever seen just popped up on my Facebook memories. Still makes me laugh.
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REASONS WHY BRITAIN IS TOTALLY RUINED THESE DAYS, NUMBER 16,407: "The creeping European influence stopping us from drinking tea."
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BREAKING: Screenshots of the Government’s Brexit-modelling simulator software leaked.
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PEAK TELEGRAPH: “I don’t think that I should be receiving these things from the state - which, of course, I accept - when I don’t need them. I also think that people who do need them shouldn’t get them either.”
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“PS I definitely exist and am in no way made up.”
An amazing letter received from fellow leaver Matthew, who is 10 years old.
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Left: The Sun, 28th June 2018
Right: The Sun, 13th July 2018
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It’s almost as if those are two totally different types of place with completely different functions, Simon.
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“You wouldn’t know his name, he goes to a different school. But he’s got his own personal F15 and we fly to Disneyland on weekends.”
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….has it been a while since the phone rang, Greig?
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Because we *all* benefit from education, you absolute fucking bun you. I don’t mind my taxes going towards university education because I benefit from us having people like scientists, engineers, doctors, product designers etc etc all working on things.
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Poor Emma has now had 20 years of this mawkish bullshit on her birthday. Twenty. Years.
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Now this might just be silly old me, but....if I genuinely thought my views were so extreme I’d be escorted out of my work for voicing them, I’d probably spend some time thinking that maybe I was the problem?
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BRITAIN, 2020: “I might have to pay an extra 0.0001 pence in the pound to stop some children starving in one of the richest counties in the world, so as you can clearly see, I’m the victim here.”
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“Why can’t these boffins just do science and make a tablet? I mean, how hard can it be to make a tablet? Really? They’re only tiny! Laziness, that’s what it is. Sheer bloody laziness.”
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"I never apologise for things I have said. But if I do, I take the coward's way out and do it at 2:07am in the hopes that no-one sees it."
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“There can’t be a cost of living crisis because people want their food to actually taste of something.” is absolutely peak Britain in 2023.
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