MATT RUBY
@mattruby
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Comedian. Writer (The Rubesletter and Funny How newsletters). Creator of Vooza. Watch/listen to my standup comedy specials:
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Joined June 2008
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مدريد
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Madrid
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#ElClásico
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#UFC308
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Lamine
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Bernabeu
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Topuria
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Lewandowski
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Vini
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Nenê
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Ancelotti
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Bellingham
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#StarAcademy
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Pedri
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Whittaker
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الريال
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Ohio State
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انشيلوتي
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Get my Rubesletter in your inbox every Tuesday. Jokes, videos, essays, and more.
“The best emailed comedy newsletter coming from anyone today."
-Robert Bostick, HumorPoint
📰
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@KaufmanAudrey
related: "I'm staying home for the holidays because I secretly hate my family but also because i am a hero"
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@LaurenKGurley
@JStein_WaPo
This sounds like a headline from the 1870s: "Railroads have agreed to give workers the ability to take days off for medical care without being subject to discipline."
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Police departments: "We can't release the body cam footage because it's evidence in an ongoing investigation."
Also police departments:
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More of Gayle King's exclusive interview with 'SOHO Karen' Miya Ponsetto (and her lawyer).
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Dear ladies mad at West Elm Caleb,
Y'all turned dating into a video game and now you're mad that gamers are playing you.
Let me explain...
<thread>
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"Bring jobs back!"
Your beef is NOT with:
Mexicans
Muslims
Jews
Blacks...
IT IS WITH ROBOTS
THAT IS WHO IS STEALING YOUR JOBS…
ROBOTS!
🤖🤖🤖
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this is NOT okay! check out the sign language interpreter for Governor Andrew Cuomo's apology... 🤯😵😡
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Ted Cruz video statement: Blame Cancun on my daughters! “There's a foam party at Señor Frog’s, but after that I'm coming back to Texas.”
👇👇👇
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People are taking that Prince William quote out of context. The entire quote is "We are very much not a racist family. We are racist INDIVIDUALS, each of us bringing our own, unique approach to racism."
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@micsolana
Yeah but also "heavily armed policemen with hands on guns everywhere, every day" sounds like a dystopian sci-fi novel.
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More of Gayle King's exclusive interview with 'SOHO Karen' Miya Ponsetto (and her lawyer).
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Shelter in place orders issued for the Temple of Enamitek!
#BurningMan
#BurningMan2023
#BurningMan2023
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@CharlesMBlow
As a child, cartoons also taught me to drop sledgehammers on people's heads. Thankfully, after years of therapy, I learned an important lesson: You must ask for consent before you drop a sledgehammer on someone's head.
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@notbenmarshall
So funny. Also: The cameraman truly did a masterful job with all that zooming and panning.
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They keep trying to sell us the Metaverse as some idyllic future when it's just more nightmare dystopian Black Mirror nonsense. Be a human being instead of an avatar.
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I understand why you’re dissatisfied with online dating. But honestly, I don't get why women ever decided to go along with it in the first place. Swiping based on photos isn't progress, it's the patriarchy's wet dream.
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i'm not a socialist. i just prefer 1950-1980 capitalism over 1990-2020 capitalism.
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Love is about compromise. Ask any married person how they make it work. The answer: WHITE flags. You just constantly surrender and realize sustainable long-term commitment is about not getting what you want 50% of the time.
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So when I hear stories about some dude who copy and pasted the same playlist to multiple women, all I can think is OF COURSE HE DID. This is the game you set up for him and now he's playing it effectively. Gamers gonna game.
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@nowthisnews
Oh, please. Next up: "I had to shoot up all the Krispy Kremes in the area because those donuts are just TOO TEMPTING."
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Dear people who hate fracking,
NOT NOW.
Sincerely,
American Democracy
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I'm sick of the "side hustle." Uber and Seamless ads reveal how Silicon Valley is screwing us.
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"Washington state is reopening its insurance exchange to let people buy health insurance if they don't have it because of covid-19."
crazy that we only offer seasonal windows to get health insurance like it's the McRib or a pumpkin spice latte.
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"I don't believe Trump called soldiers losers and suckers because I never trust anonymous sources."
-People who believe a secret pedophile ring runs the government because someone posting as 'Q' on anonymous message boards said so
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The more someone talks about red flags, the more they sound like a goddamn egomaniac. If you fly off the handle about “red flags,” there's a good chance your addiction to groundrules and unwavering attachment to how things SHOULD be make YOU an undesirable potential partner.
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And while I’m on the subject, we also need to talk about red flag inflation. Not EVERYTHING is a red flag. "He didn't text you back in three hours? RED FLAG!” Oh, calm down.
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@chelseadevantez
@RobbySlowik
Way to go!
Btw, I wrote a whole thing about the packet process here in case anyone's curious to read:
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I'm old so lemme tell ya how dating worked before smartphones: A guy had to be confident enough to approach a woman and talk to her in person. And then get her number. And then call her and talk to her again. And then ask her out. Crazy, right?
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Online dating is women giving up their home field advantage. It’s trading conversations for a world of emojis, cheat codes, hacks, swipes, copy/pastes, and "what did he mean by that?" texts.
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If it's working for you, then fine, keep it up. But if it's broken and causing you pain, shift gears. Get off your phone and make eye contact and talk to people in real life.
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So men love that online dating has turned this whole process into a video game. Tinder is just Angry Birds but with people. Hinge is just Minecraft with the chance of getting laid. And y'know who loves video games? Dorky dudes!
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@BriannaWu
You: Everyone who wants to see the evidence is a "sock puppet" while your side has "names and reputations."
This thread: Lots of real people seeking your "receipts" while those supporting you are a lesbian elf princess, a gnome, & a transbian aspiring to be a crazy cat lady. 🤔
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@TheProblem
@AppleTVPlus
Tip: If you're a low level state politician and Jon Stewart wants to fly to your state to interview you, consider saying, "No."
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It was inefficient, but also good for women because (gendered assumption ahead!) women are good at conversations. I see those Sex and the City ladies eating brunch and gabbing. Straight dudes? We don't communicate like that. We just grunt and compare fantasy football lineups.
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@itsgissel
I'm still pissed off the Verizon guy switched to Sprint. It's like seeing your dad with his new family. Gross. "I'm not okay with it, Dad. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"
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The entire framework of online dating is based on accelerating the demise of chivalry.
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All that pre-date conversation was great for screening. By the time you'd meet up, you had some real intel on the person.
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"I'm really glad this militia of armed teenagers is here to keep things safe."
-Sentence that's never been said
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@petridishes
So we beat on, fake friends against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
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Comedy then: "I speak truth to power!"
Comedy now: "Here are some CEOs that I'd like you to applaud."
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My issue with the "pscyhedelic community" is this: Making psychedelic use your entire life identity seems like the OPPOSITE of integration.
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Facebook right now: “We can’t believe a political campaign would exploit our user’s private information this way. Only advertisers are supposed to do that!”
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I remember when Grindr came out and thinking there's no way straight women will ever go along with this. Yet here we are. Still kinda blows me away, actually.
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"I'm outraged by this catcalling video. It's time that we...OMG LOOK AT KIM KARDIASHIAN'S ASS!!!"
-The internet
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@John_Hudson
"When one indefinite campaign closes, another opens."
-Ancient military industrial complex proverb
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@jackmjenkins
@jeffjarvis
We think the problem is Tucker.
And before that we thought it was Hannity.
And before that we thought it was O'Reilly.
It's time we stop fooling ourselves: The person on camera is just a cog. The *platform* is what matters. They'll plug in the next one and the ship will sail on.
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Ladies: You made foreplay more "efficient" and I hate to break it to you but nothing could be more LIKE A MAN than that.
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While realizing Meghan wasn't a villain who took Harry from the Royals, let's all reconsider the narrative around Yoko. She was never a villain who stole John from the Beatles. She just helped him escape.
Ah, blamin' the ladies...it's as old as Adam and Eve.
#OprahMeghanHarry
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@NotAny1Ukno
@SamPixelsMMA
Is it more or less than the amount of self-worth you need to leave comments like this on a Twitter post?
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Greta Thunberg is trying to save our lives and this is how we react to her...
#ClimateChange
#ClimateEmergency
#ClimateAction
#ClimateStrike
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@kassianeckles
Related:
🎶 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man 🎶
I dunno. If I'm being honest, it sounds like you might be kinda dumb.
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@abughazalehkat
Right wing media is fascinating because basically it's people who don't live here, would never come here, and hate everyone who lives here and they're up in arms about how terrible it is here. Meanwhile, we're all like, "Yeah, it's fine."
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Great to see
@iamcolinquinn
back onstage at
@NYCComedyCellar
post-heart attack. Joked how if he had another attack, the crowd would prob just “watch him flopping around like a fish on a Montauk dock but, y’know, please take your cameras out and be sure to catch it all.”
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Sure, there are some self-loathing Jews. But I feel like *every* white supremacist is self-loathing.
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“Laughter is a protest scream against death, against the long goodbye.”
-Mel Brooks
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Ted Cruz video statement: Blame Cancun on my daughters! “There's a foam party at Señor Frog’s, but after that I'm coming back to Texas.”
👇👇👇
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"Negatively commenting on the appearance of famous people is the only way I feel pretty."
-The internet
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We shoulda known tech was fucked up by all those terms and agreements. No one with your best interest ever gives you 300 pages of fine print to review/sign.
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“Funny.”
-New York Times
“One of New York’s best.”
-Ronny Chieng
“Hilarious. Highly recommended.”
-Josh Spector
“I’m a big Matt Ruby fan.”
-Ted Alexandro
Come see what all the fuss is about. My new special is free on YouTube:
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You ever stop and think about how much time Trump has stolen from all of us? Just a huge, massive, gaping waste of time – day after day.
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This Seinfeld/Ferriss pod is super. nurturing voice vs. drill sergeant voice. so many metaphors…boats, baseball, etc. overlap of systems/art.
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@TaylorLorenz
"This bias is clearly rooted in misogyny, ableism and racism." LOL. We out here pathologizing normal human preferences resulting from evolutionary biology. *If someone's not attracted to you that doesn't mean they're discriminating.*
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@QueenSnorlene
Nah, men being trash is men's fault.
Women choosing to go along with it is women's fault.
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As a Judeo, I'd like to withdraw us from the phrase "Judeo-Christian." We did not agree to this partnership in perpetuity and things have gotten a bit unkempt on your side of the lawn.
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hey, everything on the internet is a lie and until we deal with this in some sort of legit way we'll continue on our downward spiral!
👇👇
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Mel Brooks couldn't make “The Producers” today.
Nabokov couldn't write "Lolita."
Society can no longer handle nuance or subtlety. "Gotcha" culture murders good art that doesn't fit into neat little boxes approved by HR, the algorithm, and the speech police.
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@maxwelltani
It's amazing how EVERYONE involved here is a victim. The journalists, the subjects, the groups, etc. "I have suffered." "I have suffered more!" "But I'm in danger!" "I'm in even more danger!!!" This victim olympics phase of our culture is maddening.
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“It's a lot harder to get your name out there...It's forced me to have a chip on my shoulder a little bit and, it's forced me to stay hungry and to really care about the jokes in the hour because this is all I have.”
-
@sammorril
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@FareedZakaria
It's amazing how, no matter what year it is or what's happening around the world, the solution is to spend more money on defense.
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Relationship advice: Your partner is not arguing with you. They are arguing with their parent. You're just in the way.
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