Zack Bornstein
@ZackBornstein
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Emmy-losing Writer/Director/Comedian (#Shrinking, @nbcSNL, #StrangePlanet, @Netflix, @Hulu, @Dreamworks, @JimmyKimmelLive, @NewYorker)
IG: zackbornstein
Joined June 2009
until the day I die I will never understand why he was even still allowed to run after this
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Finally some good news, scientists discovered a treatment that can reduce COVID19 transmission by 70%, and its just a piece a cloth you wear in front of your dumb fucking face.
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This is quite literally Trump’s America.
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If you had any doubt about America’s priorities, here’s how the people killing us are equipped vs the people keeping us alive
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until the day i die i will never understand how this wasn’t the end of it
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That face when you just wanted a faster way to rank girls by looks and ended up installing a fascist government in the most powerful country on earth
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I don’t understand how COVID is still spiking after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened.
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NYC friends, I noticed all the undercover cops are wearing white arm bands, probably to recognize each other. Be careful.
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I don’t understand how COVID is spiking again after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened.
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far right: heil hitler. far left: rail workers deserve sick pay. elon: these are equally bad.
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losing my mind, just offered the aisle seat to the guy sitting between me and my gf on a flight, and he said he’d rather stay in the middle seat between us.
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pre-elon twitter: pls free me from this hellsite. post-elon twitter: Everyday with you all has been a gift. I owe my career, my friendships, and my marriage to this community. I’ve fostered compassion and activism each and everyday with you all, fighting the good fight (1/40).
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You got tricked by Borat last week.
"Do you think we're stupid? Do you think we're fools?" —Rudy Giuliani in Philadelphia, discussing the PA vote. #Election2020
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Just imagine seeing this image with no context in 2014
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not to be controversial but personally i think we should have more options than a gently alive corpse and the dumbest Hitler of all time.
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Not to get political, but I'd say two of the things I miss most from the Obama years are being able to breathe air outside and being able to breathe air inside.
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Please just give us healthcare.
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CNN: Trump guilty.NBC: Trump guilty.ABC: Trump guilty.FOX:
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Remember when people didn’t vote bc they said there was no difference between Hillary and Trump, and now there are child concentration camps.
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I could write jokes for 800 years and I'd never think of something funnier than Trump booking the Four Seasons for his big presser, and it turning out to be the Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot between a dildo store and a crematorium.
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Me every day: *never shits myself*. Me packing underwear for a vacation: I'm going to shit myself 2-3 times a day.
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Am I going deaf or has anyone else had to watch every TV show with subtitles since like 2019.
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I still don’t understand how COVID is worse than ever after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened.
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To optimize good sleep before bed:.-Take a hot bath.-Get blackout curtains.-Watch 200 4-second videos inches from your face.-Practice deep breathing.
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We're going to find out Loeffler knew she would lose 3 weeks ago and bought a ton of stock in Warnock.
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Trump has to be one of the first cast members of Home Alone 2 to sell stolen nuclear secrets to the Saudis for $2 billion.
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Guns are banned at Trump’s speech at the NRA convention tomorrow bc they know that’s the only way to prevent a shooting.
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they’re so racist they’re finally admitting biden was democratically elected.
“In order to save democracy, we have to remove our democratically elected leader and replace him with a DEI pick.”. Democrats:
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not to victim blame, but also kinda on you for eating loose shrimp guacamole in bed.
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Teens: Please stop shooting us at school. Republicans: lol snowflakes. Governors: Please stop going to Applebee's. Republicans:
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I’m no economist, but Netflix lost $18 billion in value yesterday, enough to fund every ask the writers and actors made for 36 years
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damn that’s crazy i wonder if they went through any germ-based mass trauma that defined their formative years
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BREAKING: Perseverance Rover claims it was just dropping off daughters on Mars.
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ALWAYS👏ASK👏POTENTIAL👏EMPLOYERS👏WHY👏THE👏POSITION👏IS👏OPEN👏
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To be clear the people calling us “sheeple” are the ones taking livestock medication.
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I don’t understand how COVID is worse than ever after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened.
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Don Jr’s wife looks like if you tried to draw Melania from memory
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Instead of having to raise money to survive every catastrophe, I think we should have some kind of official body made up of people we choose that collects a set percentage of money from every American and then uses that money to give us aid during crises.
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BREAKING: Trump becomes first actor from Home Alone 2 to be impeached twice.
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The same people mad at Malia Obama for drinking wine and wearing a bathing suit at age 20 are the same people who excuse Brett Kavanaugh for drinking beer and assaulting a woman at age 17.
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I don’t understand how COVID is spiking again after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened.
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Instagram ads: Here’s the specific water bottle your were talking about yesterday and a sweater pre-selected in your favorite color. 𝕏 ads: Here’s 9000 Cheech & Chong gummies and a promoted post from user TrumpsAmericaa420 that just says “the Jews”.
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Joe Rogan discourse has now lasted longer than last week’s news that Trump made plans to have the military seize voting machines.
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She did it. She got Fox News to care about carbon emissions
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Stop celebrating peaceful cops, that should be the norm. We don’t write articles every time a pilot lands a plane. That’s just the bare minimum to keep people alive.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump becomes the first actor from Home Alone 2 to be convicted of 34 felonies stemming from hush money payments to a porn star
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they had one
Now what would the media say if there was a “white dudes for Trump” call?.
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Never forget 9/11/01, but also never forget every 3 days in 2020, which had the same amount of American death due to negligent genocide by the president.
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dude is a barely coherent convicted sex predator whose only platform is wanting to do more crimes, what is fucking happening.
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Very responsible of the Democrats to rig the election, but not take the Senate or a supermajority in the House.
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Kevin Spacey: I want to end 2018 with the most disgusting comeback attempt of the year. Louis CK: Hold my penis.
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BREAKING: Will Smith Being Sent to Live with Aunt and Uncle in Bel-Air.
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Call me Karl Marx but I don’t think 8 Hollywood CEOs should make more money every year than ALL writers are asking for combined over 3 years.
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Just found out I've been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that's supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I've been able to feel my scalp for the last year.
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BREAKING: Trump retains Rudy Giuliani to challenge FBI raid all the way up to the Supreme Courtyard by Marriott.
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It is journalistic malpractice to keep interviewing this woman.
Jada Pinkett Smith built a ‘beautiful’ secret sex room for her and Will Smith
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Me showing up on a 1st date after getting out of a 5 year relationship
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Obsessed with these Trump protestors who broke windows to get into the Capitol Building but then stayed inside the red ropes
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You simply must admire the fact that Elon could do anything he wants every minute for the rest of his life, but instead he dutifully logs in every morning to get kicked in the dick and balls all day by his $44 billion group thread.
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Remember when they dismantled the post office last week, and we got mad, but they refused to put it back, so now that’s just how it is, and fascism is a fast boiling pot.
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If you’re ever wondering why the next 40 years are sucking, remember a former game show host indicted for felony espionage appointed one third of the Supreme Court.
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BREAKING: Giuliani has been air-lifted to Walter Reed & Sons Piano Repair.
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I don't think we're fully appreciating not having to hear what Trump is thinking right now.
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Just realized my cats probably think I spend 10 hours a day in the garage.
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Stone: GUILTY.Manafort: GUILTY.Cohen: GUILTY .Flynn: GUILTY .Papadopoulos: GUILTY.van der Zwaan: GUILTY.Gates: GUILTY .Pinedo: GUILTY. I'm no lawyer, but I'd guess the guy who all these criminals did crimes for is probably innocent.
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The best way to tell if someone is your soulmate out of 8 billion people is if they are the third person you date in your mid-to-late 20s.
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Still shocked the guy who bragged about sex crimes on a bus turned out to be bad at managing a global pandemic.
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If you’re ever wondering why the next 40 years are sucking, remember a former game show host convicted of 34 felonies appointed one third of the Supreme Court.
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Just from a story perspective, Trump not dying of Covid will go down as the greatest failure of narrative structure in history.
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i just wanna congratulate all of you on making it through 2020 again this year.
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Both Usain Bolt and I can run 100 meters.
Both the vaccinated and unvaccinated can spread the virus.
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The only thing I miss from the Trump admin is them swapping in new Melanias and just pretending we wouldn’t notice like a 4-year-old with a guppy
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Knowing things is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health.
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Who gives a fuck if a president is likable, we’re not going to hang out. Give me an ice-cold asshole who will keep the oceans from boiling in 10 years.
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You can tell you're a 90s kid if you remember when 3,000 Americans dying in a day was a big deal.
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Us: Please impeach Trump before we go to war with Iran. Democrats: Text “Yass Kween” to DNC2020 to get a discount on a birthday shout out from Cory Booker!.
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2022 GOP platform: DON’T 👏 LET 👏 TEACHERS 👏 SAY 👏 LGBT 👏 STUFF 👏 AROUND 👏 MY 👏 CHILD-BRIDE.
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Struggling to figure out why the WGA/SAG strikes are getting negative news coverage on CNN (owned by Warner Bros), MSNBC (owned by Universal), ABC News (owned by Disney), CBS News (owned by Paramount), and FOX News (owned by Hitler).
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My parents walking into a restaurant where they know one of the waiters by name
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Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.Ben Shapiro: Debate me!.*someone debates him*.Ben Shapiro: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??.
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The only thing I'll miss from this administration is them swapping in new Melanias and just pretending we won't notice like a 4-year-old with a guppy
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FASCISM IS DEAD IN AMERICA AFTER DEVASTATING LOSS 49.7-49.3.
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