mariah
@mariahkreutter
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currently mfa @ nyu | work in @thedrift_mag @joylandmagazine @thebafflermag @nytimes etc | blog:
New York, NY
Joined August 2011
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I could live all my life and never come up with anything as funny as Raygun, the 36-year-old Australian Olympic breakdancer
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sucks how these days if you want to throw a party you have to make a dumb little graphic with your head photoshopped onto a pumpkin or whatever and send it to everyone you know via like 8 different communication methods. this is the one bad thing about the abandonment of facebook
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if i lived in southern europe and came to new york and saw that one glass of wine was $16 plus tip i would kill myself. i would literally swim home
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the blood orange is such an intriguing fruit. it comes perfectly segmented, a gracious act of man and nature. yet to reveal its true vibrancy one must mutilate it
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one of my best qualities is i have no critical impulse towards music. music: i like it or i don’t! music: it sounds good or it doesn’t! the remarkable thing is that i nevertheless have impeccable taste
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huge fan of this european thing where you hike up a mountain and there’s a decent restaurant on top
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Why are people saying raygun reminds them of Billie eilish. Obviously the 17-year-old Lithuanian in a durag is Billie eilish
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I was at this reading and started vibrating when I realized what was happening. I will read every selin novel until I die, I want elif batuman to keep writing selin novels until it gets weird in a borgesian map-of-the-world-the-size-of-the-world kind of way
new book in the idiot series by elif batuman, SELINHEADS MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!
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cormac mccarthy, the author of one of my all-time favorite works of literature (the first 8 or 10 paragraphs of blood meridian) and of perhaps my least favorite work of literature (the rest of blood meridian)
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i love hanging out with geriatric millennials. i’m always learning new things about 9/11
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this looks like one of those HAPPY 😆 HOLIDAYS 🎊 CUMSLUT 😛👅💋💦 chain texts
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Someday I’ll be brave enough to order a truly unhinged beverage option at the weirdest cafe in brooklyn
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ah yes, a Yale Community for New Haven Fund... what a great idea... maybe we could legally enshrine it... make sure the amount is proportional to yale’s wealth, as defined, perhaps, by property... we could call it “taxes”
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need 2 host a fresh ricotta making party so i can use this image for the invite
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trader joe’s cashier said “wow, TWO drift tote bags” when i pulled up at the register so now i think i need to pay someone to kill me
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me: caroline calloway’s chanterelle and quail egg scramble isn’t real, it can’t hurt you
caroline calloway’s chanterelle and quail egg scramble:
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please, i'm begging you
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Read a “sunday routine” sort of profile about an extremely successful intellectual-bohemian couple where they took their two young daughters to a museum in the morning and nobody ate anything until around 2pm because “we’re not that into breakfast” and it made me feel insane
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me: hmm... can i try the house red?
bartender: ma'am this is sig ep
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I wrote a (very) short story about something that keeps happening over and over again. Huge thanks to
@zaintkhalid
@csestanovich
@rmpanovka
for edits.
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accidentally bought thai basil instead of italian basil but i rallied and made an incredible fusion caprese??? fish sauce and soy sauce in the balsamic vinaigrette, added red onion and jalapeño, tastes rly good
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yeah man, you gotta check out shitsky’s. it’s in midtown next to a combination funeral home and cabaret. they do different types of boiled eggs and a martini is $72
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i did what i promised myself i wouldn't do: wrote about The Letter, kind of
Opinion: A letter on why me having only 724 Twitter followers is an assault on free speech (via
@latimesopinion
)
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tapping in to say 1. ten years is not enough of an age gap to hang an essay on 2. dating older doesn't necessarily mean dating rich 3. if your husband makes all the money then your husband is in charge. that being said, nice work if you can get it!
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it’s funny that “cope” has become an insult. like sorry what r my alternatives? should i FAIL to cope?
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inevitable events i can’t wait for:
1. someone from y*le has a million dollar wedding that gets featured in vogue and then i see pictures and have an aneurysm
2. someone who stood me up and/or ghosted me is nominated for a pulitzer
both of these will happen and both will kill me
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yale gave me $4000 to do archival research at the british library and my dumb ass can’t read cursive
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i respect when cafes have a no laptops policy but i think they should make an exception if you’re doing something cool. like you shouldn’t be allowed to make spreadsheets or whatever but if you’re writing fiction they should let you stick around as decor. even if it’s bad
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i wrote about cowboy bebop as a tale of freelancer woes for
@vulture
and you can read it here:
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looking forward to perusing the forbes 30 under 30 this year. looking forward to learning about the accomplishments of, at bare minimum, the most famous person alive, a random ivy league freshman, and someone i went on a single hinge date with in 2019
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i profiled ziad a year ago and he a) spoke like that the entire time and b) insisted on recording the interview on his phone as well as mine “just for his records”
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in case anyone ever asks what i'm doing with my english degree
"It’s cliche to say that Byron fucked, but what can you do? He did fuck. Dude’s middle name was 'Gordon' and not even that could stop him."
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if you’ve ever been to beckett’s don’t worry about the air quality index
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my body is a temple: people come once and decide it’s not for them
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i wrote about how cops getting mad at fast food are symptomatic of much deeper (and deadlier) issues within police culture
"The us-vs-them, warriors-under-assault party line couldn’t have been clearer."
(via
@latimesopinion
)
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@BrandyLJensen
struggling trying to imagine the type of guy who reads this article and thinks “this changes everything”
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i have a short story in this issue! you guys should read it it’s SO short
We’re in double digits! Subscribe by Thursday to receive a print copy of Issue Ten.
Feat.
@bdmcclay
@angelohsias
@PiperSFrench
@cathyparkhong
@npbowlin
@mariahkreutter
@gabeja
@rosemarieho_
@MitchTherieau
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Difficult to read something like this and not come away with the conclusion that I have to start acting more insane online. For my career
for
@esquire
, I wrote 3,000 words on why it feels harder these days to make a debut novel truly "break out."
feat. Jack Kerouac, "the algorithm," literary it girls, and overworked publicists...
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you either die a successful youth consulting company or live long enough to be relentlessly dunked on by the people you claim to represent
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my life is a constant balancing act of deciding when it's less douchey to say i go to college in connecticut and when it's less douchey to just say i go to yale. both are less douchey than this tweet but sorry sweaty i never said i was an angel ;)
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today i graduated from yale. in a week i start an internship with
@latimesopinion
. jury's out on whether this means i'll start capitalizing my tweets or not
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i think the exact right amount of money to have is enough that your kids can do whatever they want EXCEPT become equestrians
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worst part of fucking alt guys is when ur friends want to look him up and u have to explain his social media presence is just 16mm photos of empty concrete walls and blurry pictures of his feet :/
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cutting fruit and realizing as you eat the fruit that you didn’t wash the cutting board quite well enough and now your strawberries taste faintly of garlic but eating them anyway? that is called being 25
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yale twitter can’t be a cult bc none of us make eye contact when we see each other in public
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To All the Boys I Definitely Would’ve Hooked Up With in a Chaotic Senior Spring Last Hurrah But Now I Probably Won’t Because of Coronavirus
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i want someone to call me mother some day. but not a child i gave birth to. more like a group of gay men
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but what if she’s the funniest social satirist of all time and ALSO wrote love stories bc feminine-coded genres are not inherently lesser!!
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there is no paradigm shift like realizing “panlist” isn’t a common universal phrase but rather something completely arbitrary and yale specific originating from greek fucking mythology lmao
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deleting high school photos off instagram to create the illusion of a singular and immutable self!!!!
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love how tinder and snackpass have the same one-buzz notification. love to play a little game called “is steve from the med school tryna fuck or are wenzels 30% off at alpha delta?”
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@gabydvj
yes! this is what i want! in college i had everyone’s email, before that i had everyone’s facebook. now we are rootless, fragmented, the center cannot hold
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I wrote about Trump's misleading-but-not-incorrect statement that cops also kill white people, and how it accidentally proves just how huge and structural the epidemic of police violence is
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the specificity of women’s insecurities is so profoundly depressing. i just heard a girl say “my calves are too chunky for a pixie cut”
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me deciding whether or not to engage in self-destructive behavior with men who don’t care about me
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life is tough for us would-be party girls who need 8-10 hours of sleep every night
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marriage story but it’s noah baumbach and greta gerwig fighting for custody of laura dern
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can women have "buddies"? i often yearn to get a beer with a buddy of mine
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it’s amazing how you can go to cvs and buy 3 things that cost $10 and yet the $30 total always, always feels like a betrayal
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turned 24 and got a haircut to celebrate a landmark birthday: going from “early 20s” to “early-to-mid 20s”
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if u have room in your head today to contemplate another glamorous, departed female writer whose name begins with “j” and ends with “n”…
love this
@mariahkreutter
essay on Jean Rhys’s early novels, women writing sad women, and why we always think they are doing it for the first time
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having ever had a boyfriend should qualify you to work in project management
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Ah, you’re at—you’re at the 12th bar in the Frick? Sorry, I meant we should meet at the 11th. No, you stay, I’ll come around. I’m just past the 7th bar in the Frick
The Frick gets the go-ahead to add 14 bars to its premises—down from a proposed 17.
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making someone your bitch? degrading, cruel... making someone your muse? subversive, highbrow, basically the same shit at the end of the day
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should've done the 3 day relationship thing... should've cuffed an engineering major for just long enough to get my ikea bedframe built
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i have f!ction coming out tomorrow for the first time in like 2 years…
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i have a short story up at joyland, about diets and surgery and things that are food and things that are not food. you can read it here! thanks to
@walkercapl
for edits
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put her in god emperor of dune
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the girl who sits next to me in seminar has one of those cartier bracelets and it is IMMENSELY distracting, i keep wondering what it’s like to casually have all that money and none of that taste
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my friend’s telling me abt how his ex’s favorite restaurant was the times square olive garden and like... has ever a flag been more red
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good morning, a job listing just vanished AS I WAS CLICKING SUBMIT ON MY APPLICATION
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sure you could drink the 14% four loko hard seltzer. but you know what else is 14%? wine. such as, for example, amontillado sherry. which, in fact, i happen to have a very fine case of in the cellar, if you would be so kind as to accompany me for a taste
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80% of college is weighing whether or not the free food is worth someone talking to you about women’s empowerment in consulting or whatever
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forbidden snacks
The surprisingly colourful world of golf ball interiors.
Lots more here:
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gawker let me write ambitious stuff and also really, really stupid stuff, like this piece about the role oat milk plays in ulysses: . no one else was doing it like them and i am beyond bummed that they are closing down!
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can someone write a thinkpiece abt how wide leg pants/wire face earrings/everlane turtlenecks/etc are just an updated conformist uniform a la uggs and abercrombie
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concept: sisyphus except instead of rolling a boulder up a hill it's continuously downloading, deleting, and redownloading tinder
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never do i feel more persecuted for attempting to live a moral life than when it’s time to clean out and recycle a peanut butter jar
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ppl try n sell the wildest shit on free and for sale. just take the loss on the half empty pack of claritin you bought six months ago my good bitch
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Legendary
I spent the fall trying and failing to fish with Percival Everett. My profile of him is in this week's
@NewYorker
.
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the true gift of the magi is winter break itself, which gives you ample time to do the things you want — such as spending time with friends, or fucking — but takes you away from the environment in which you can do them!!!
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feel like an idiot carrying an umbrella when it’s not raining, feel like an idiot if i don’t have an umbrella once it starts raining. to be human is to be fundamentally unfree
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did u know that any time you want you can buy a huge bunch of broccoli rabe for like $3 and sauté it with a fat glug of olive oil and garlic and anchovies and chili flake and then toss it with pasta and pecorino and no one’s stopping you? no one at all
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