sarah plain and tall
@liamswagone
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@LolOverruled
I literally was a PA on the Pepsi commercial where Kendall Jenner handed the cop a soda
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@CNBC
Find it hard to fathom that a CNBC host can be that ill equipped to debate the principles of capitalism.
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@HESaBSG
Seth Goldfarb and Anand Misra met at Wharton, and despite never working a day of manual labor in their life, are looking to acquire a home insulation company with $1-3mm/yr in top line revenue. They anticipate leveraging their years of IB to boss around the blue collar underlings
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@barstoolsports
The classic “bang an old woman to try to get with her celebrity son” move. Tale as old as time
@Turn_Rake13
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@mattaparker
@pk_iv
So true but not applicable to 99.999% of self respecting people who have real jobs that don’t require whiteboarding. Aka how do I take up as much space as possible to exhibit an elementary idea
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@cesarabeid
@brianne2k
I mean def not the same reason … and not that strong of an joke analogy
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@SwingOpts
@TweetHeckle
@msdoucet
@FoggedInbooks
Holy shit is this someone admitting their after being provided new information? On twitter?
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@11_r79
@jlightsy7
@NFL_DovKleiman
@RichCimini
Such a good point…why does any sports team ever spend money on any good players?
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@MarcelAndRogie
@mscott7612
@C_LosR
@RexChapman
Oh you mean the type of jobs that employed most Americans during our nations strongest economies? Glad you look down on them. We can’t be a country of 300million “creatives”
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@YourManDevine
Detroiters is amazing. I love Tim Robinson but his own carte Blanche can get overly zany at points and exhausting. I like him confining his craziness and humor into a story line
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@Kjg34
@nick_marcuccio
Nick marcuccio I am sure Justin Timberlake will notice you defending his honor. Thank you for your service
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@SMthegamer1
@chaos_omega
@KirstyW73181489
@UberFacts
I get paid whenever I sell pills to middle schoolers, so multiple times a day
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@EV_Ventures_LLC
@HellsBitchen_
UT is Tennessee when discussing all things SEC
even the conference gave Texas the official TEX abbreviation for scoreboards
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@nypost
Imagine being stranded there for 9 hours and you gotta deal with dax and Kristen bell making tiktoks about it and overdoing the “we’re normal people” thing
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@nerdcircus_
The only models they used in the 80s were ones with massive tits they did coke off of
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@sebstinatos
@abuvintweets
@UberFacts
I thought a polish goodbye was when you shit your pants and crashed your car
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@ssserdc
@a_con
@dissectpodcast
Wait till you hear about Matt Damon’s cameo in good will hunting buddy
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I was a ZERO Star recruit coming out of high school with no D1 offers.
Today, I sell insurance.
Sometimes they’re right
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@CYJpod
@DannyBagsZ
What do u work as a sales rep for this shitty website just fuckin tell us
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@nypost
“Yes can you customize it just so when people see it they’ll know for certain I abuse women”
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@jasonhikes1
@HealthcareREguy
I never understood the “humor” in the accounts that just make up all this shit. It’s just not really even funny imo
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@KFCBarstool
I’m sure Steve Cohen would have your back this hard if you were ever the center of negative attention for cheating on your wife or something. Hypothetically of course.
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Damn I think pre-K is a little young for them to learn how to...never mind
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@Cutterthecaddie
@brucekenerson1
@Shakez_SC
I’m not a democrat but this joke is fucking forced unfunny and doesn’t make sense
Available to write your jokes for you for a fee
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Do you seriously mean to tell me this boy Dr. Daniel Fahrenheit was 6’7”!?? This mothafucka been messin w the WRONG 👏🏻 HEAT 👏🏻!
Goose from Top Gun is a whole 6’2’... Man was running with the wrong Mavericks
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@Khartzell81
@nickossello
@OWLSLAX
Here’s an idea instead of me owing you money how about you owe me the money ?
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My girlfriend has a great set of NFTs
...NiceFuckinTitties
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@MayorsPEU
Help! my landlord, who’s main source of income is this building, and who is still responsible for full costs of operation and maintenance of said building, is asking me for my rent! Harassment!
@sweatystartup
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@actionjack69
Game script was just six quotes from Austin powers and a motionless shotgun run from 11 personnel
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@aaronbergcomedy
@TheStandNYC
Joke sucks cock but insanely douchey to steal it when he has big following
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@BoyGreen25
@NYJets_Media
@NyjMike
@NYJ_Matt
@beanthejetsfan
@Jets_Central
@MattOLearyNY
@JakeAsman
@BuffaloJetFan
@KS1988NYJ
Wow truly blessed to have 9 losers who would break their nose if you threw them a football give us their half-witted analysis from their mothers basement, the strongest support of which is because they went 14-3 in their madden franchise
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@HESaBSG
Their strategy also includes expecting a 62 yr old owner/operator who never wrote down one thing on how to do his job to stick around and give his all during a transition period after being handed more money than he’s ever made in his life.
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@amymiller
@calebsaysthings
A) I was joking also. Thought you’d be able to tell Im a prominent stand up due to my Gotham bringer show twitpic.
B) i was the first in my family to reach community college—everyone else went to real college and made fun of me
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@aaronpalmer
@sammorril
You could NEVER make the Hangover today.
If you walked into a producer and showed him the script he’d say
“Wait a second isn’t this The Hangover? We already did that”
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Ahh august 1st. Where rich white 20-somethings go from their rage fest July montauk share to the “family summer rental” in Nantucket. Great way to wind down.
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People think gender fluidity is an entirely new phenomenon but forget the fact that in the 1800s the ENTIRE Continental Railroad was Trans
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@SamGellman
@paulg
Sparknotes:
It involves an informed and strategic government plan, combined with a population who obeys restrictions and utilizes common sense
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@drippedIRR
Yes a sophisticated investor came in and crazily their months of analysis amounted to an offer of exactly $20mil on the dot
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Interviewer: “sell me this pen.”
Me: “if you don’t buy this pen I’ll kill myself. it’s 2 dollars”
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@businessbarista
Thomas Jefferson acquires Louisiana Territory for 250 Bitcoin, under 1 Dogecoin per sq. Mile
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HOLD👏🏻THE👏🏻PHONE👏🏻. Just found out P. Sherman from Finding Nemo is 6’9” for no good reason..?! This man been playin with the wronggg Pelicans!!
Hold up... I did not know Leo was 6’ 10’’!?!? Man played with the wrong grizzlies for the wrong trophy
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@Thefrugalgay11
Owning an airbnb puts you in the hospitality business.
Don’t be leaving me a list of chores so that it’s easier for you to turn it around the next day…especially with the high cleaning fees that I would still get if I left it spotless
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White girls on their birthday be like: “In lieu of gifts that you were not going to buy me anyway, please donate to this inefficient, flavor of the week charity that I barely researched or vetted in my name so that I can feel like a better person”
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Damn girl, are you the hiring manager at a high-growth startup?
Because you’ve got three openings I’m urgently trying to fill
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@geoffschwartz
I thought They’re supposed to yell “the left tackle is running a route to further embarrass you guys”. It’s only fair?
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Wait a second...you tellin me Vidál Sassoon was 6’5”..? That mans has been playin with the wrong Clippers tha whole time 😱!
Thor is 6’6’’....? Man has been playing with the wrong Thunder all this time
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CSI: MIAMI!
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@FantasyInjuryT
@SharpFootball
I understand it may lead to more injuries but it’s a clean tackle - idk how you could even prevent it
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@AlTayWeiss
@ScottIsTalented
He’s right. If this isn’t engagement bait this shit is weaksauce. Legit a 30m cleanup before shampooing the carpet that shouldn’t be there. Do your job whiteboy
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Normalize inviting yourself to friends beach houses
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Never understood why homeless people choose NYC…it’s the most expensive city on earth…literally just move to Hoboken you’d be middle class there
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Convinced that True Detective season 1 was a intricate guerilla marketing tactic by big cigarettes
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They should make Ubers that just drive along the street instead of having to reserve one with your app.
Like just walk down the street and put your hand up, they pick you up and you tell them where to take you.
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“The racial double standard and white privilege is real”
- girls Instagram from Cabo as a Mexican local refills her daiquiri
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My 4 year old daughter walked in on me crying in front of the TV learning of the death of RBG.
She put down her cigarette, looked at me and said “dad, she has inspired so many women to achieve greatness and will be the catalyst for change in these trying times.”
I love her.
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I can’t believe I actually care about the Call Her Daddy saga but for whatever reason I do
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When I was your age, Gaslighting used to be called “winning an argument”
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@julirodenburg
@nytimes
@UUtah
NYT ARTICLE HOT OFF THE PRESS: Juli’s son had spaghetti bolognese in Utah last night! 🗣extra extra read all about it
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I don’t give a fuck what you think that’s why I’m posting a pic of me reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck” on my insta story to show all of you how little fucks I give
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