Kieran
@kieransofar
Followers
22,731
Following
586
Media
490
Statuses
9,952
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“millennials waste their money” bro i just tipped the waiter that you underpay
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“stop imposing your views on me” bro i said poor people shouldn’t starve
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“millennials waste their money” bro i just tipped the waiter that you underpay
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did it hurt? when you realized you’ve been recycling for years and 79% of it still ends up in a landfill
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normalise retail workers being able to tell customers to fuck off
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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me: do you have any kids?
date: one son that’s just under two
me: yah i know how to count
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me: what do you think about helicopters?
friend: not a fan
me: yah they’re a bit more advanced
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“simone biles needs to toughen up” buddy you have 19 guns because you’re scared of your feminine side
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police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now
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“are you ok?” no i forgot my password and then when i entered a new one it told me it couldn’t be the same as my previous password
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surgeon: we had to remove your eyes
me: where am i?
surgeon: ICU
me: don’t rub it in
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can’t stop thinking about how this woman’s most embarrassing day ever was memorialised
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computer: choose a password
me: hi-hat
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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french guy: i hate people who have a bread fetish
me: i feel your pain
french guy: [gasps] sacré bleu
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and did it hurt? when the biggest 100 corporations produced 71% of the worlds carbon emissions
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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
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me: can i book an extra session next week to get help with my claustrophobia?
therapist: i should be able to squeeze you in
me: ʸᵒᵘ’ˡˡ ᵇᵉ ᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵗᵒ ʷʰᵃᵗ
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wife: can you pass me the salt?
me: huh?
wife: I need the salt
me: the what?
wife: [sighing] the ocean cocaine
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11K
saying “i had a bisexual threesome”
-weird phrasing
-calm down please
-dude it’s 11am we’re tryna have brunch
saying “i avril lavigne’d”
-he was a boy
-she was a girl
-can i make it anymore obvious?
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11K
“are you ok?” no i thought zombies only existed in movies and then i discovered that they put cages over some graves
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imagine going from none to unlimited clussy for life in one reddit post. this dude is a hero
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“i earned my own way in the world” bro waiters and waitresses are trying but you won’t implement a decent living wage
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colleague: i hate the clown from IT
me: same he never fixes my computer
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“gen z needs to toughen up” buddy you own 17 guns because you’re afraid of your feminine side
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Hell yeah i have a UTI
U -
T -
I - infection in my urinary tract
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normalise an additional break in the workday dedicated to having a little cry
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse
mayo: [neighs]
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me: what’s todays criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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8K
me: can i book an extra session next week to get help with my claustrophobia?
therapist: i think i can squeeze you in
me: ʸᵒᵘ ᶜᵃⁿ ʷʰᵃᵗ
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: he’s not even a white horse
me: yah but watch this
mayo: [neighs]
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“i earned my own way in the world” bro waiters and waitresses are trying to but you won’t implement a decent living wage
7
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me: what do you think about wind turbines?
friend: huge fan
me: damn you’re an expert
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse
mayo: [neighs]
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can’t believe i was ever AUDACIOUS enough to say that people deserve a roof over their head either
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me: i wish i was immortal
genie: done
[later]
ㅤ won’t just
pixar lamp: why you die
ㅤ
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police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now
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wife: i just saw our daughter lining up her dolls to take turns in being burnt over a fire, do you know why she would do that?
me: [nodding] barbie queue
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dumbledore: so we have a points system to keep all of the houses in a healthy competition
draco malfoy: that sounds like fun
dumbledore: tHaT sOuNdS LiKE fUn shut the fuck up 100 points to gryffindor
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date: no i mean he’s almost 24 months old
me: jesus i hate when people do that just say he’s 2
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I just saw a woman with her breasts out feeding her son in the park, and I normally don’t have a problem with that but she was feeding him a sandwich
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mom: so what’s upset you so much?
me: [sobbing uncontrollably] i was scrolling the timeline and then for no good fuckin reason it flew back to the top and i lost where i was
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I’m making a dating site for Anti-Vaxxers. I’m currently trying to think of advertising slogans, all I’ve got so far is:
‘Meet local shingles in your area’
Any suggestions?
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me: will this car fit 5 people?
salesman: yeah without any problems
me: damn my homies have lots of those
5
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common english mistakes:
- mixing up there, their and they’re
- using the wrong too, to or two
- using apostrophes for plurals
- enslaving innocent people
- not using the oxford comma
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date: what are your turn ons?
me: unemployment
date: that’s not going to work
me: bingo
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: i make friends super fast
charles: that’s so cool
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jesus: a table for 26 please
waiter: are you expecting more people?
jesus: nah we just wanna sit on the same side for the painting
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date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: i become friends with people super fast
charles: i think it’s your smile
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jesus: a table for 26 please
waiter: are you expecting more people?
jesus: of course not, the 13 of us just want to sit on the same side for the painting
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me: what about wind turbines?
friend: big fan
me: damn ur right again
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when i’m not being terrified of zombies i make dumb jokes that might make you mildly exhale out of your nose in amusement so follow me for more like this:)
me: do you have any kids?
date: one son that’s just under two
me: yah i know how to count
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me: i wish i was immortal
genie: done
[later]
pixar lamp: why. won’t. you. just. die.
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i haven’t got a clussy but i do write jokes that might make you mildly exhale out of your nose in amusement like this one so follow me:)
me: do you have any kids?
date: one son that’s just under two
me: yah i know how to count
80
7K
121K
10
18
3K
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: this isn’t gonna work then
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I just saw a woman with her breasts out feeding her son in the park, i normally wouldn’t have a problem with that but she was giving him a sandwich
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professor x: so what’s your superpower?
me: I can teleport people very short distances
professor x: that’s not useful
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one day trains are going to finish whatever it is they’re training for and then we’re all fucked
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date: what are your turn ons?
me: unemployment
date: thats not going to work
me: yah i know what it is
5
350
3K
saying “i had a bisexual threesome”
-weird phrasing
-calm down please
-dude it’s 11am we’re tryna have brunch
saying “i avril lavigne’d”
-he was a boy
-she was a girl
-can i make it anymore obvious?
7
452
3K
me: i wish i was the only dentist in the world
genie: done
me: i wish all genies had wisdom teeth
genie: done but what the fuck
me: i wish for unlimited wishes
genie: [clutching the side of his mouth] you know i can’t do that
me: good luck finding a dentist then :/
7
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3K
me: what’s todays criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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3K
wife: i just saw our daughter lining up her dolls to take turns in being burnt over a fire, do you know why she would do that?
me: [nodding] barbie queue
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wife: let’s roleplay
me: ok i’ll be a cop
wife: be gentle with me
me: ok i won’t be a cop
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little red riding hood: grandma, what big eyes you have
grandma: yah i’m tripping balls
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“i slept like a baby” oh cool you woke up 14 times crying too?
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s shaped like an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you ready my name wrong didn’t you?
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3K
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
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if my depressing social commentary made you sadly exhale out of your nose in amusement then follow me for more tweets like this
“millennials waste their money” bro i just tipped the waiter that you underpay
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469K
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cops are racist, puppies aren’t. so what i’m really saying here is let’s make paw patrol real
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me: here’s my kilimanjaro sculpture
friend: is it to scale?
me: sure but it wouldn’t take long
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friend: wanna see my goose store?
me: sure, i could take a gander
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me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
5
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common English mistakes:
- mixing up there, their and they’re
- using the wrong too, to or two
- using apostrophes for plurals
- enslaving innocent people
- misusing the Oxford comma
18
458
2K
[guy who’s about to invent cake]
I fucking hate flour, eggs, milk and sugar I’m gonna burn it all
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jesus: a table for 26 please
waiter: are you expecting more people?
jesus: nah we just wanna be on the same side for the painting
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computer: choose a password
me: hi-hat
computer: password cannot contain cymbals
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