Kelsey Cook
@KelseyCook
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Watch my special The Hustler on YouTube! 💪🏻💥
Los Angeles
Joined September 2009
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Pinned Tweet
IT’S HERE!!💥🥹 My special The Hustler is on YouTube and it would mean the world to me if you watched it and shared it in any way you can. I’m proud of this hour of jokes, and there’s a fun foosball surprise at the end 🤗 I hope you love it!
WATCH:
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Fun getting divorced at 31 and having to change your emergency contact back to your mom lol
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When u let someone scroll through your pics but then u remember you’ve got nudes in there. 😳
@MannyMua733
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Billie Eilish is like if Fiona Apple fucked a haunted house.
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Trying to do social distancing in CVS feels like human Pac-Man. You turn a corner like NOPE, ghosts down that aisle, go a different way.
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Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.
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I’ve started calling hand jobs “beef jerkies” and my boyfriend has never been more upset.
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Easily the coolest place I’ve ever sat in my life 😳 I can’t believe I got to sit on the couch on
@FallonTonight
! Watch my set here if you missed it:
#FallonTonight
Photo by Andrew Lipovsky/NBC
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Moving to Minnesota is like getting hazed by a mean sorority 🌪️🚨 San Fran this week at
@punchlinesf
!!
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1 MILLION VIEWS! 🥳 IT HAPPENED! Greatest bday gift ever. Thank you all for retweeting and watching! It means so much to me ❤️
This timing is wild but it’s my birthday and my special is getting *dangerously* close to 1 million views 🤯 It would be insanely cool if it hit it today. Would love if you can watch and RT to get this link in front of some eyeballs 👀
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I flew to Memphis and OKC to watch
@thatchaddaniels
on the
@bertkreischer
stadium tour, and got surprised with guest spots in front of the biggest crowds I’ve ever performed for 😭 Thank you so much Bert—it was a dream! Come see me in Phoenix this weekend at
@cblivephx
!
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If I correctly answer a Jeopardy question that stumps the contestants I am truly unbearable the rest of the evening
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Just watched my husband scroll past one of my photos on Instagram and not like it so I guess we’re done.
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TRUMPET TUESDAY VOL. 7 🎺 what songs should my dad cover next?
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I’m impressed by the dumbest shit in hotel rooms. I leave my fully furnished apartment and walk into a 300 sq ft hotel room like “OMG it has a bed AND a couch?! What am I, a King??”
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Sitting next to a girl on the plane who has binge watched Keeping Up With the Kardashians for the last 6 hours and when the flight attendant came by with a bag for trash I tried to put her in it.
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My special crossed 800K views in 3 weeks!! If it hits 1M in a month I’ll cry 😂 this is wild. Thank you guys so much. Watch and share if you haven’t yet!
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Just saw a crow in a Target parking lot drinking a puddle of gasoline & I feel like he'll become America's new national bird if Trump wins.
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Happy Trumpet Tuesday! 🎺 you guys have my dad playing DMX and System of a Down in one video 😂
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Found out someone is using my photos and name to catfish dudes on Tinder. If you want to bust them, start asking in-depth questions about foosball. If they say that spinning is allowed, it ain’t me babe.
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You ever procrastinating so hard that you’ll go check your LinkedIn notifications?
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Back on Bertcast today with
@bertkreischer
! If our poses were switched it would be final tweet. Listen here 🎧
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Heartbroken. I was lucky enough to open for Bob years ago, and from that night on, he told me that he wanted to help with my comedy career if he could. And he genuinely meant it. Having a mentor like him meant the world to me as a young comic & always will. The kindest man. RIP❤️
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🚨WHOLESOME CONTENT🚨 I love how much you guys love my Dad’s insanely wide range of talents. He used to tour all over the world as part of a professional Yo-Yo team 🤯
#yoyo
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My cab driver just told me that I smell like an angel. If this is my last tweet, you know why.
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New goal: convince
@allisonpynn
to live with me so she can do my hair and makeup everyday 💃🏼
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This got over 12 million views in 2 days on TikTok and has been absolute chaos 😂 the problem with dating your favorite comedian is that he’s other people’s favorite too lol
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That’s a hard pass on the devil’s chocolate 🙅🏼♀️👅🍑 the special is getting close to 1 million views! Watch here:
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Oh man my special crossed half a million views!! 🥹 what a wild couple of weeks. Thank you guys so much for watching and sharing. If you’re looking for something to do today, check it out!
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First time playing foosball in a bar in over a year 😭 felt so good. We’re shooting more Wrists of Fury episodes soon!! Let me know who you want to see on the show 👊🏻🔥
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My 65 year old mom moved to LA a month ago, and when I turned on the radio today, she asked, “Oh is this Post Malone?”
Fuck you, LA.
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An older woman on my plane asked the guy sitting next to her how tall he was, and when he said 6’4”, she said “No you’re taller than that.”
Imagine having the confidence to think u know more about a stranger’s height than they do.
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Hot tub logic: I'm comfortable taking a communal bath with strangers as long as the water contains enough poison to keep me safe.
#PointsMe
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300K views! 🥳 Thank you thank you thank you! If you’re looking for something to watch tonight, check out The Hustler on YouTube:
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Some photos from my comedy special! 📸 thank you for spreading the word and all the kind messages. Unprotected Sets is now streaming on
@EPIXHD
!
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I’m doing The Tonight Show this Friday!! 🎉🎉🎉
Please tune in. I’ve never been more excited for anything in my life and I saw *NSYNC in concert so that’s saying something.
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If you’re sad about having a birthday during quarantine, take comfort in knowing that no one cared about your birthday before quarantine either.
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On today’s episode of “I’m Having an Identity Crisis,” I shot a gun for the first time 💥
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This month marks 10 YEARS of me doing stand up! 🎉 I’m so happy I get to do what I love for a living. My legs are way pastier now, but I do get to perform in some cooler places that Mike’s bar in Pullman.
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This timing is wild but it’s my birthday and my special is getting *dangerously* close to 1 million views 🤯 It would be insanely cool if it hit it today. Would love if you can watch and RT to get this link in front of some eyeballs 👀
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"Look at all of these cool, new things to watch on Netflix!"
*clicks on "The Office" despite having seen every episode 18 times*
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I’m back at
@americancomco
in San Diego this weekend, and I will forever use this video from there a few years ago as promo because nothing can top this. I hope they hang the poster higher this time.
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I'm gonna start touring colleges as a motivational speaker and call my presentation "You CAN Even!"
#ChangingLives
#PointsMe
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You ever walk through the airport before your flight and get the urge to try and board a different plane that goes to like Tokyo or Jamaica and just abandon your whole life?
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Woman sitting next to me on the plane pulled out nitrile gloves & Clorox wipes, sterilized her entire area, and then started coughing without covering her mouth. I’m gonna spray some perfume and then fart all flight.
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30th bday party was a success! 🎉 Also this is the only outfit I will be wearing for the rest of my life. Skates included. Marry me in it. Bury me in it.
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Anyone else crave a vodka soda every time they get a whiff of their hand sanitizer or should I seek help
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My dad is a symphony trumpet player and I played him some of my favorite songs that have horns. By ear, he wrote the trumpet parts out and played them 😂
#DMX
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The guy next to me at the gym was doing squats and farted so loudly that he literally just dropped his weights and walked out the door 😂
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I’m almost 30 and still don’t know what “permanent press”’ on the washer means.
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Trumpet Tuesdays Vol. 4 🎺 I will NEVER recover from the last song 💀😂 Keep putting your song requests in the comments!
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One of the greatest drinking stories ever 😂
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My memory needs to set some priorities. I can't remember my dad's birthday, but I CAN rap every word of Eminem's "Lose Yourself"
#PointsMe
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I could fully pay off my student loans with the money I’ve wasted on arugula 🥗
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🏆🏆I got 2nd in Women’s Singles, 3rd in Women’s Doubles, and 1st in greasiest hair! Man I love foosball so much.
#MoneyballTournament
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Trumpet Tuesdays Vol. 5 🎺
Ol’ Stanky Face Magoo returns 😂 As always, we hope this makes you laugh and dance. Keep leaving your song requests in the comments!
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If you’re a comic and you’re not following
@GaryGulman
on here, you’re missing out on invaluable comedy tips. They are free and they come out daily. Go read all of them. Go now. Don’t be a goddamn fool.
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The woman next to me just did a 6 hour flight without watching a movie, listening to music, or reading a book. She just looked straight forward the whole time like she put herself in time out.
I’ve never been more afraid of someone.
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I need to buy a second hamper for clothes that aren’t dirty enough to be washed but that I feel too lazy to hang back up in my closet.
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My husband’s “restaurant” would get shut down by the Department of Public Health so fast.
Shows in Reno and NYC this week, Denver next week!
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HI I SHOOT MY SPECIAL IN 10 DAYS 🎉 Spread the word to your Denver friends so we can pack
@ComedyWorks
out June 16-18.
🎫
📸
@toddrphoto
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I always wanna look good for the gynecologist so I put a little lip gloss on down there.
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Thank you for all the love so far on my special The Hustler! 🥰 please watch and share if you haven’t yet—it’s on YouTube for free and is a great watch for the weekend! WATCH HERE 📺👇🏻
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The most fun I’ve had on a podcast in a long time 🗑 go listen! Thanks for having me
@KevinRyanComedy
@HFoleyOnIce
!
ARE YOU GARBAGE w/
@KevinRyanComedy
@HFoleyOnIce
and our pal
@KelseyCook
Watch:
Listen:
Available wherever you get pods!
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TONIGHT my special The Hustler debuts on YouTube at 5pm PT/8pm ET! 💪🏻💥🥳 thank you
@thatchaddaniels
for the joke inspiration 😂 watch the special here:
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🎉TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!🎉 Tune in!!
#FallonTonight
Tonight we have
@DrewBarrymore
,
@JoshRadnor
and stand-up from
@KelseyCook
! Happy
#ThankYouNoteFriday
!
#FallonTonight
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Opened my laptop on the plane and forgot that the last thing I were looking at online was sex toys. Soooo things just got real weird in my row.
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This woman on the airport shuttle is playing I Spy with her little boy. She said “I spy a mustache.” He stared right at me, squinting, and I glared at him like don’t u fucking dare kid.
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It happened 🧡 we shot the special and I can’t wait for you guys to see it. Thank you sooo much to everyone who came to the shows. I know some of you flew out just for the taping, and it means more to me than you know. The Stanley Cup can s my d.
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Fun fact: when you’re wearing a giant wedding dress and you have to pee, you have to reverse cowgirl the toilet while your friends hold your train.
#themoreyouknow
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My favorite pastime is accidentally choosing the slowest line at the grocery store & having a mini panic attack deciding whether I should stay in the line or move to another line but risk someone else getting into that line before me & be forever trapped in limbo like Inception.
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When you're watching tv on the treadmill then commercials play, ur body's like "OH SHIT THIS IS NOT ENOUGH DISTRACTION TO DO THIS"
#PointsMe
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When your best friend of 20 years turns 30, you gotta fly to Pullman and surprise the shit outta her on game day 😭😭 LOVE YOU KEL! GO COUUUUGS!! 🐾
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Thank you for 6 sold out shows, Chicago!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻 I had the best time. Denver is next weekend and there aren’t many tickets left so snag a few while you can! Uncasville, Salt Lake City, Vegas and NYC after that! ✈️
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TONIGHT! My comedy special airs on
@epix
at 9pm PT. Unprotected Sets. Get the channel or the app! Spread the word! 🗣
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I miss when movies were only like 90 min long. Now I go see a movie and come back home and all my plants are dead.
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Had to ask a drunk woman in the front row to shut the fuck up and she said “yeah you’re right” and has been perfectly pleasant the rest of the show.
I’m assuming she’s gonna stab me in the parking lot because it’s never that easy.
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Jesus Christ
@NikkiGlaser
this was 🔥🔥🔥
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Performed with a pool between me and the crowd last night. If I bombed I was just gonna walk into it fully clothed and catatonic like Skyler White in Breaking Bad.
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First time breaking 1 million views on YouTube! 🎈If u told me when I was 15 that one day over a million people would know how I broke my vagina, I would’ve had a full blown panic attack and paid any amount of money to keep that story buried forever
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1.2 million views on the special and counting! 🤯 if you’re looking for a weekend watch, grab a deep dish pizza and check out The Hustler on YouTube 😎
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