elizabeth 🤓
@elizardbethc
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the talent manager of every big billy bass singing fish. contact for bookings
new yawk
Joined March 2016
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gay person: I’m gay
straight person: I’m straight
bi person: I’m bisexual
my roommate who texts me every time he’s gonna cook an onion:
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even 9/11??
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thinking about when I visited LA at 16 and tried to take tumblr photos in front of this “aesthetic blue building”
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the article just says it’s 7 of these btw
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this is christmas for bisexual millennial women that only date men
John Mulaney to host SNL with Chappell Roan as the musical guest on November 2nd.
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Don’t text your ex. Text your mayor.
Really: 917-909-2288.
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me: I fucking hate being told what to do
me when cha cha slide comes on: left foot two stomp
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me paying 35$ for lukewarm taco bell delivered to my doorstep at a horrific hour
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my millennial therapist said she heard another therapist say “when you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags” and it took my whole heart not to tell her she was quoting bojack horseman
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god….the men you put in this earth to hunt are smoking cuban cigar flavored knockoff elf bars
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We need an alcohol heavy straight space for adults with lots of friends to meet each other 👏
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what I wanted for christmas as a kid:
-american girl doll
-ipod shuffle
-not socks or underwear
what I want for christmas now:
- consistent happiness
- external validation
- socks and underwear
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say what you will about the girls who majored in nursing because of greys anatomy and have “but first, coffee” stickers on their macbook but they’re gonna be the ones pulling the plug when you’re on your deathbed
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whenever you feel discouraged by your dating life, just remember that I took a big billy bass singing fish to prom
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can’t belive they made an entire movie about a guy who’s only power is to quickly identify any song just by hearing it
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popsicles are the most stressful dessert b/c their whole premise is “what if you were sucking dick but it was a race against time”
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skater boys:
-wears crusty dickies and ratty tee shirt
-will take you to dingy house show
-smokes a pack of marlboros a day
-too straight
ice skater boys:
-wears butt hugging spandex unitards
-will take you to olympics
-smokes the competition on the rink
-delightfully bi
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adam sandler looks like he got queer eye’d by jeff goldblum
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me at 12 making direct eye contact with an eastern european ballsack on omegle
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is mr worldwide a beauty pageant that pitbull rigs so he can win the title every year
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sex tip: grab an imaginary mic and say “get a load of this guy” before your man cums
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thank god tony soprano went to therapy. he was really out there fighting his gabaghouls
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the fall of james charles has caused a stronger, more influential gay icon to rise like a phoenix from the ashes
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@rightupyouralii
I listen to it out of sociological fascination. like being in a bar bathroom stall and eavesdropping on the drunk girls in there
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this video makes me so goddamn proud to be an american holy shit
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this eye... she’s the oracle. seen nothing but death and decay
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cultural impact:
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diary of a wimpy homer’s the
kid series Iliad
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ansel elgort in the fault in our stars with a juul dangling from his mouth: it’s a metaphor hazel grace- you want a hit tho?? this metaphor is mango flavored baybee
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tf do people in the midwest even do? watch america’s got talent, eat microwave meals, and die??
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if a croissant could move would it fly like the star wars millennium falcon or walk on its hind legs
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if you only want to fuck the green m&m you are a simpleton. the brown m&m is an intellectual and not like other girls
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this quarantine feels like when percy jackson was stuck in the casino where years passed but it just felt like one long continuous day. also poker face was playing
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I love it when guys on dating apps aren’t afraid to hold an adorable puppy in their profile pic. finding a quality taxidermist is tough these days
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girls after mildly brushing against me in a crowded place: ohmygod I am SO SORRY
guys after basically body slamming me while walking by:
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queer eye is just “damn bitch you live like this??” the show
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me after successfully rapping all 2.5 hours of hamilton from memory
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ok I just found out that danny devito HAS A DAUGHTER?? this woman wakes up everyday with danny devito as her biological father. could you IMAGINE
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if youre dating a student athlete you single to me.... whats ryan gonna do? tear his acl??
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how do couples that get married at 19 make it work?? is it just like “hey mom, i’m going over to my husbands house, be back for dinner!!”
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bringing your date to olive garden is incest because when you’re there you’re family
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if you drink mountain dew baja blast do not worry about what’s in the vaccine
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50 years till the charli xcx arca 100 gecs superbowl halftime show
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killed a man before yoga class call that premeditated murder
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if your girl wears forever 21 you single to me... tf is she gonna do? tell me “𝕴 𝖉𝖔𝖓’𝖙 𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖊, 𝖎’𝖒 𝖌𝖊𝖙𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖙𝖆𝖈𝖔𝖘”??
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disney better make a live action version of ratatouille next. a real rat dosen’t play remy- instead, we see danny devito on all fours scuttle across a kitchen floor fully nude
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high school theater girls giving it their all to make a stage kiss between them and the gay lead seem believable
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do all the indie/punk kids type in only lowercase letters because they’re anti-capitalist
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all the unused drones sitting in the lockheed martin basement:
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betty white narrowly avoided having to date pete davidson
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gonna wear this hat and shirt at the same time and start shit
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this image just beat me up in a walmart parking lot while wearing cookie monster pajama pants
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this is like woodstock 1969 for starbucks baristas
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logan lerman looks like the only chill guy in his frat who you can put your cup down around and will help you move
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buying all the helium in 2022 so this guy is forced to choose another medium
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local white girl humor is limited to jokes about their iced coffee addiction and calling each other crackheads
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fun fact: michael jordan is the same person as michael b jordan because the b stands for basketball
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cultural impact:
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shrek soundtrack the beatles
entire discography
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he’s my downfall, he’s my muse, my worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
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nicki minaj: I never fucked wayne I never fucked drake
shane dawson:
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this is literally how I toil away on my animal crossing village
Why aren’t we encouraging our girls to pursue jobs like this? We need true equality
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he takes pics of himself smoking crack like a teen posting bong rip videos on snapchat
Hunter Biden filmed himself smoking crack behind the wheel, driving at 172mph on way to Vegas: photos
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juul me one shame on you
juul me twice shame on me
juul me three times shame on your sweet mother who’s already delt with your fathers debilitating nicotine addiction and dosen’t need round two from her 16 year old stepson
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my 13-year-old sister just sent me her among us cosplay and im..... astounded
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bitches be like “I know my angles” but can’t even use the pythagorean theorem
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so apparently men don’t like bush on a woman, does anyone know a good place I can get this george hw lower back tattoo removed?
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are you ever talking to a coworker and when they suddenly have to help a customer you hear them instantly switch to robot capitalism voice
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white girls deciding where to go on a missions trip to exercise their savior complex by taking pictures holding native children
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no one:
the thirteen colonies in 1765:
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tf?? we all paid for this escape room.... we’re helping each other find the clues to get out
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imagine....screaming his name during sex and it’s john jacob jingleheimer schmidt
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absolutely loving the results of nickelodeon’s lack of electoral college
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asking a guy what tv shows he likes is a simple way to learn everything you need to know about him. very revealing.....
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me buying one (1) pack of gum:
CVS receipt:
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|total |
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| fuck |
| you |
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|$1.13|
———
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a dating app but it’s exclusively for singles wanting to meet approachably hot and emotionally available trader joe’s employees
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instagram caption of the 22-year-old from your hometown that dumps her kid off with her ex so she can get crazy at applebees $1 margarita night:
“I might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but i’d rather be someone’s shot of tequila anyway”
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