Tim
@deorumdefectum
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Pinned Tweet
I sincerely hope that someday I'm able to get to a place in life where I can help people the way they've helped me. I don't deserve the generosity I receive. So many of you have helped me far more than I will ever be able to repay. It doesn't make sense. Thank you.
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I drank. Made it 37 days before running out of energy. I hope I can be stronger tomorrow. I don't know any other way to deal w/ loneliness & depression, even when I KNOW alcohol makes it worse. Just tired of every day being such a battle. 15yrs of trying & failing.I'm exhausted.
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Today’s my birthday, it’s only 8am and already more people have wished me a happy birthday than the last 3yrs combined. Turns out people like sober me almost as much as I do.
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Walked through the beer aisle. Decided on non-alcoholic beer, a compromise. Tried this trick before, doesn't last for me. Prayed, put it back, came home. I want out of my head, no denying that. Can't stand myself right now. God willing, I'll end day 30 sober.
#RecoveryPosse
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I bought beer. I woke up this morning and decided I’d had enough. Something happened two weeks ago to throw me out of my routine & I’ve been spiraling. Decided not to drink the beer, for now. Im fighting hard.
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I went to the dump and threw the beer I bought this morning away. There is no alcohol in my house. So many of you continue to help save my life. I’m still an emotional basket case right now, but the temptation to truly sacrifice everything has been removed & stifled for now.
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This past week has been brutal. Had beer in the shopping cart at one point, but put it back. More often than not, I'm fighting with myself. It has not been easy. Still, I keep trying.
#RecoveryPosse
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leave rehab tomorrow morning. alot to face at home. trying to remain optimistic
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im ready to go to rehab. still working out the details, but im scheduled for a place in my home state for Wednesday. i cant do anything other than drink and sleep right now. it's pathetic
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Nothing like watching your son's soccer game alone while your son's mom sits with her "new" family. Never felt so pathetically alone.
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I’m having a rough, rough week. Slipping into old behaviors. Haven’t drank, but I’m acting like I used to. Feels so nasty. Glad I haven’t drank, but I’m running HOT right now
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I've contacted a treatment center that'll take me. It will mean giving up my apartment, my job, and moving away from my son. I don't know what to do.
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24hrs of heavy rain & temps dropping into teens overniht while I'm at work. Zero tread on my tires & even less money in my account. Money was for drinking, everything else, neglected. Slowly climbing out of the hole, but holy shit the stress. Still sober. Day 22.
#RecoveryPosse
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15 days sober & life keeps throwing shit at me. Been reassigned to a new team & the worst job in my entire area. Nobody wants to do it, everybody hates it. 2.5hrs of overtime every day. I'm going to get burnt out & fed up. Incredibly angry. Money isn't everything.
#RecoveryPosse
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Being picked up to be taken to treatment in about 30mins. Made it to Ash Wednesday mass, but have been drinking both before and after. Burnin the candle at both ends. I want it to be miserable. Never want to do this again. Thanks to everyone for the support. Truly.
#RecoveryPosse
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son's soccer game in an hour. doing my best to mentally prepare myself for seeing his mom with her new family again. as so many of you said, it's about my son, not them. going to keep my focus on him & silently say the serenity prayer over and over and over
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While in rehab, I used the gym almost every day, it was something I wanted to continue. Got a gym membership and went today. Lot of anxiety around going, but I did it. Showing myself I CAN do things is so important to my mental health. Really proud of myself for following through
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At my boy's soccer game. Feel barely alive. No sleep, a head full of bullshit, and raging anxiety, but at least I showed up. Long day ahead.
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Posting this as a reminder to myself. It seems so easy right now to think I’ll just start the clock over, but I know if I drink, the depression that will follow might actually kill me. I truly don’t want to drink, I just can’t quiet my mind
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Trying very hard not to go buy beer. I just don't want to feel this way
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49 days sober. I knew real life was waiting for me and today it showed up. I feel overwhelmed & want to escape, but I know it won't help. Stressful days/weeks ahead.
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Came so, so close to throwing everything away yesterday. So incredibly grateful I didn’t follow through.
Major takeaways:
1) Drinking is NEVER an option
2) Seems like it happened so fast, but retrospect shows it was building over a few weeks. Daily work.
3) Ask for help
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I know I’m supposed to ask for help, but I don’t want to. So far, July has been a month of regression. Haven’t had a drink, but don’t want to do all the sober stuff anymore either. I thought I escaped this person. Now I know there is no escape.
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Spoke to my father for 1st time in almost 4yrs today. I've never been more proud to be able to have an honestly sober conversation. The days arent always easy, but you're right, it's worth it.
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I've been really struggling since Saturday. Today I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I want to give up.
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Pulled into a liquor store parking lot. Didn't go in, backed out. It's only a matter of time at this point. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
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grateful to all of you who encouraged me to go to treatment. im glad i came. thank you
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Home from rehab. Just finished a meeting. All the familiar sights/sounds are a bit uncomfortable, feeling pretty anxious but grateful to be home and able-minded enough to spend time with my son.
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Little over a month ago I couldn't escape suicidal thoughts & was drinking again. Today I went on a 7mi hike. Grateful to be sober. Grateful for having a little faith that it is possible to change my mind. Life is about to get very difficult, but I'm going to face it. I get to.
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Knew this day was coming. Really want to drink, tired of sitting w/ all the emotions. I know drinking won't make me feel "better." I want to feel different, to escape for a while. But, it will all still be there after the drink. So, I wait. Through gritted teeth.
#RecoveryPosse
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Relapse Day 4: Called out of work again. Suicidal thoughts have returned. Sleeping brings the people I wish I could talk to into my dreams & makes my waking nightmare even worse. Not drinking much, but drinking just the same. Lost in the inhospitable wilderness of depression.
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Just realized I hit triple digits. My days have been filled w/ action & acceptance of responsibility. Feels like I'm finally acting like an adult. Nevermind the fact I'm about to crush a quart of chocolate milk & half a blueberry lemon loaf. So grateful to be sober
#RecoveryPosse
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The hardest place for me to be is home. I feel worse in my own apartment than I do anywhere else. How do I make my place feel more like a serene refuge instead of the dreadful purgatory it feels like now? Grateful not to be homeless (yet), but I've got to make this place happier
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Milestone today, but feeling indifferent towards it. In a rut. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual & social all struggling & don’t feel much like taking action.
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no I don't want to drink. I don't really feel much like carrying on either. every worst nightmare keeps coming true. I try so hard to keep going but I continue to be punished. I have no life. No friends. No house. No family. it'll pass? I doubt it. It never has before.
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Back at work, moving on from my 2 week mental relapse. Still sober. The thought of how I’d feel right now had I drank the other day makes me shiver with fear. Humbling experience. I’m still one bad decision away from throwing away everything, can’t be overconfident.
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3pm meeting, only myself & another guy in the building. He's on day 1 & going through it. How many times I've been in his shoes, including very recently. Tried to bring the message to our little meeting and be of service as best I could. Extremely grateful today.
#RecoveryPosse
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Full blown panic attack at my MRI. I had to have them get me out. I've been feeling weird all day & instantly had panic. What a mess
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Something shitty happened today that has made me incredibly angry and sad. I want to scream & destroy everything in sight. Instead of drinking over it, I'm going to the gym to process all the negative energy through weights, cardio, and metal blasting in my ear buds. Fuckkkkkkk
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alright, I’m coming clean. Haven’t drank, but been going through a rough patch. Convinced myself delta 9 thc was fine bc it’s not really weed, so been using it. for me, i realize now even that is an issue. when I’m using stuff to escape, it’s all I want to do. Still so broken
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i feel like theres a 60% chance ill drink when i get home from rehab all bc i cant sleep. this whole experience feels like a waste of time
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went to a meeting then hit the gym so it's perfectly acceptable for me to lie around and read the rest of the day, right?
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Didn't buy beer last night. Gritted my teeth & grinded it out. The feeling remains, though. Why does self destruction seem so appealing? Bc it's easier just to give up? Feels like I'm cursed. Got diagnosed w/ Horner's syndrome this morning, MRI tomorrow, so more good news
#SIGH
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struggling tonight. my car is falling apart, body feels like shit, mind is spinning, been working long hours (my choice, I’m trying hard at work), and lonely as hell. grumble.
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Today: Therapist -> in person mtg -> gym. Three months ago I couldn't run more than 10mins at a time. This helps me to realize I can achieve things through consistency & effort. Not an impressive pace, but it makes me proud. Also, I got the accounting job, I start tomorrow.
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May have found a replacement job. Nothing glamorous by any means, but I would no longer have to work nights and would be able to go to meetings & stuff. It's a pay cut, but staying on nights is a recipe for disaster. We shall see...
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about to go in for my 1st day at new accounting job. brain is throwing bullshit at me (mainly bc it's a significant pay cut from my last accounting position) but I'm bringing myself back to the present. extremely grateful for the opportunity and to be working normal hours again.
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Made it through the MRI tonight. I appreciate everybody's kind messages. Things aren't great right now.
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all day long couldn’t wait to get home from work to play video games. stopped at the gym, ran a quick 5k, finally got home and all I’ve done is lie here & watch ‘Suits’ on Netflix. Can’t start Diablo IV tired, gotta carb up tomorrow cause it’s gonna be a marathon. beats drinking
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just don’t understand it. been working so hard to get back on my feet. Got a great job I’m in jeopardy of losing, AGAIN. I sabotage EVERYTHING. It doesn’t make any sense. I haven’t drank, I’m trying to work through this but it feels like everything I’m losing everything yet again
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have had a very difficult day. anxiety about the future has beat me down today. grateful to be somewhere safe
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Went to the gym. Wish I could live there, its become my happy place, my reprieve from the chaos of my life &mind. 1st time I went, I was wrecked w/ anxiety. Now, its the place I feel the most calm. Thank you,
@PlanetFitness
for providing a place I can feel normal for a few hours
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Electricity back on (thank God). Being evaluated in a few minutes at work in order to return tomorrow. Feeling a little overwhelmed about returning, but the nerves will calm as I settle into a routine. This is big for me, gotta keep the train on the tracks. Deep breaths.
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Job interview in about 30 minutes, society demands i rejoin the earth people if I want to pay for All The Things. Ugh.
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the beer has been thrown away. I didn’t drink. I’m struggling, but thanks to many of you, I chose to forge ahead. I am grateful, but still so lost. Bought all the candy & sweets I could find, going to eat myself into a coma. Sigh.
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I ran 30 miles this week. For seasoned runners, this is nothing, but for me, it's massive. My legs are wrecked. Hope continued effort will make it easier. Need to learn more about eating, resting, & training properly so I can keep doing this, the mental benefit is invaluable
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we have individual smart tvs in room. alone currently but can get 2 more roommates. programming starts today. mixed feelings so far...
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Finally made it to my doctor to talk with him. By the end of the day, I hope to have a decision and know where I'm going for treatment.
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sleep meds not working, been a zombie for the past 4 days. not taking any more sleep meds. feels like i wasted 4 days. sucks. discharge on friday. going to need you strangers
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This is the worst Saturday yet. I don't know or understand how to move on. Fucking tired of this
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still not sleeping. starting sleep routine tonight: yoga, hot shower, journal, meditation. do i journal/meditate in bed??
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I have been a lazy candy eating piece of shit this week. Didn’t go to the gym until today. Didn’t want to come, knew I definitely needed to go. Thought nostalgically about beer this week. It’s slippery out there, folks. 6mi down.
#mileagetherapy
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At some point in the next few hours, I'll drink the last beer I have. I do not plan on buying more. God, give me strength.
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5mi in 53min, if I can run a sub 3hr half in October I'll be ecstatic. Holy shit I'm turning into that guy
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Just had an excellent interview for an accounting position. The guy said he thinks I'd be a great fit & to send over my references, so... any accountants/business people out there want to be a reference?? I desperately want & need this job
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Father’s Day mileage therapy. Happy Father’s Day to all us dads out there.
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Genuinely do not want to go back to this job. I want to work, but working when I'm supposed to be sleeping destroys me mentally. It pays very well, but wondering if I'd be better off at somthing temporary. Unraveling today. Why can't I handle responsibility like a normal person
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storms/tornadoes here tonight, power is out. trying to make popcorn on my camp stove so I can watch the firemen work on the downed trees & power lines out front. exciting night
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i know how to deal with alcoholism. i do not know how to deal with clinical depression.
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Couldn't sleep, hopped on a 2am meeting. Unbelievable shares from people on 4 different continents. To paraphrase Aaron Sorkin, there's a lot more that unites us than divides us. Have a great day
#RecoveryPosse
#sober
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I have a work conference later this month, includes an overnight. There will be drinking. I don't have a craving to drink, but I'm already anxious about being in that environment.
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rough day. hard not to get irritated at people here to fuck around. using all down time to work on assignments/me. staying out of room, not allowing myself tv till bed. dont want to leave wishing i worked harder or wasted time.
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God, please don't let me forget or become apathetic. Please let me remember why I started, always. I don't want to go back. A drink will only make things worse.
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Been craving a scone for at least a month. Finally bought some and they are made of bland sawdust with an occasional blueberry here & there. Now I'm pissed & must find a proper scone. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen, indeed.
#sconealone
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@CPVAN333
worried about losing my job. trying to convince myself there will be other jobs & the biggest thing I need to do right now is maintain my sobriety
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I'm losing, guys. I'm desperate. I'm not a bad guy, I have so much love in my heart but feeling it only brings pain. I don't want to die. I'm so sorry. I want a way out of this. If there's a treatment center out there that can help me, I'm begging you for help.
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pretty sure I have strep bc my boy has it and my throat hurts but crushing miles while listening to EDM bangers anyway, getting the weekend started productive and sober
#therapy
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Gym. Last night was hour after hour of horrific nightmares. Subconscious running wild with the pain of the past & uncertainty of the future. Mind & body feels like trying to swim through an ocean of honey. Have to embrace it. No escape. Mileage therapy.
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Ok. Beer is gone. Yes, I want more even when everything inside of me is begging for this to stop. Been reaching for beer upon waking every day for 8 days now. I want it to end. Wish I had weed even though I haven't smoked in over a year. Going to be a rough few days ahead.
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Finally chose something to watch. It was obvious, really.
John Wick
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I really need a show or movie to distract myself. Too many thoughts. Anxiety level rising steadily. Suggestions gratefully welcomed
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Everybody I talk to says go to treatment. Don't worry about what happens after, meaning homelessness, no job, etc. In my mind, I want to do this & then transition to a sober living place. 30, 60, 90 days has never lasted before. I want real change. I want to be on solid ground.
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What I wanted for my son is never going to happen. I got to be a father for about 3yrs. Did everything. UP every night for bottles & diapers & everything else. She did none of that. But I'm now forever going to be 2nd fiddle. It isn't right.
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@Autismbuckleup
I no longer have water or electricity. I've been able to keep my place (barely) bc of short term disability. I'm returning to work Thursday, trying to focus on this being temporary, but I'm embarrassed, worthless, and hopeless. I'm hanging on by an extremely weak thread.
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The best part of working out is the relief that comes when you realize the pain is on both sides of your ribcage and you're not dying
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My son's final Spring soccer game. Been telling myself the discomfort will be over after today, but that's a lie. His mom moved on & I have to deal w/ it even though it tears me apart to see her w/ him. Will keep reminding myself I'm there for my son. Fortress of solitude.
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developing an action plan for after treatment. emotions more stable last two days, meds might be starting to work. dont feel as hopeless, very grateful for that. 15 days before i rejoin the earth people.
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another day begins. feel zero connection to a higher power. im too full of anger to allow space for anything else, but i keep trying despite feeling like the universe is laughing at me
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Update: 4 beers in. Regret, shame, guilt, sadness, tears... Listening to music. It's odd, I can only listen to music when drinking. Music makes me feel too much. A pipeline to nostalgia & the fantasy of things being different. Music is a punishment at this point. It ain't fun.
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At rehab we talked about 5 "barrels" to help one stay afloat. We scored them every night to see where we were struggling:
Physical: 3
Mental: 1
Emotional: 0
Spiritual: 3
Social: 0
I'm trying to practice radical acceptance, but it's painful. Feeling pathetic I can't move on.
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mileage therapy after work. love this feeling. don't even care what happens now, let the asteroid come I don't give a shit ☄️🔥😎
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I'm out of:
- coffee
- food (1 ramen & 1 tin sardines left)
- zyn
- gas
- money (clearly)
Don't know how I'm getting to work tomorrow even if doc finally clears me to return. I need to be cleared, I HAVE to work
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