Dan
@danrgraber
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Following
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Media
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Statuses
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Life's for the living, so live it, or you're better off dead.. My header image is indeed the key to success
Joined January 2013
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Went to the dentist office and they asked "When's the last time you flossed?"
Me: "You should know, you did it"
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Thanks to Ludacris, I'm pretty sure 99% of society has no idea how to actually spell ludicrous
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I was so drunk and angry last night that my roommate put me in the car seat and drove around the block a few times to put me to sleep
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I thought my body was shutting down. nope, turns out it was just my liver.. that was a close call
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Scotland, is your national animal really a unicorn? If so, leave the light on, I'm packing my bags
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That moment an ice cube falls out of the freezer and breaks all 10 toes
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When your boss is following u on twitter now and you're the only one he's following, how many days til unemployment?
Asking for a friend
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People wonder what it's like to be blackout drunk.. i wonder what it's like to be whiteout sober
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The next person that says spider's are harmless, will be getting a box of them for Christmas
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If u were wondering if i was the guy falling down the stairs at the football game, i was..
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Just sittin here blowing bubbles in my glass of rum and coke if you wanna know how much of an adult I am
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Walked into work and somehow couldn't find my keys. Walk outside and my car is still running.. no, I'm not still drunk
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To the spider walking on water (at a rapid pace towards me): you're not Jesus, so i will slap u across this lake
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If u don't like cheese curds, you're not american, or canadian, or anything. u don't exist.. true story, google it
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I got in a fight last night with another drunk guy. It was like Stevie Wonder fighting Ray Charles
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Yes, i like strolls in the park.. but only when i wake up on this bench
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@mattgaetz
He wasn't calling anyone an asshole. If you dumb fucking MAGAtards would learn to read, you'd actually know this
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Why do people use the term "it's driving me up a wall"? Has anyone ever tried that?? It doesn't work..
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My hand is shaking to the degree that I can't get this spoon into my mouth.. is there an earthquake? Related: I haven't had a beer today
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@moosaanvar
@davidmackau
If by "going against the odds" you mean "derailing a train", then yes, against the odds, indeed
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I woke up this morning sober, AND I had a Taylor Swift song in my head.
This is my suicide note.
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The reason Wilson didn't win an Oscar for his performance in Cast Away is why I have trust issues
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This is where my night gets fuzzy? More like this is where my day gets fuzzy
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@RpsAgainstTrump
Things like this are exactly why I stopped voting Republican, even though I'm still registered as one. Thanks to Trump, morals don't exist in the party anymore, and it shows
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Someone broke into my house last night. It's a good thing I was in my armored pillow fort
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Just watched my grandmother finish typing her password.. She started 5 years ago
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@JayhawkSlant
By this logic, KU should only recruit one player. A 4-star. They'd be at the top of the list! 🤣🤣
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I'm at my most ninja when I'm in the shower.
*spider lands on shoulder
*falls out of tub
*cracks head open on toilet
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Me: "your legs aren't broke, do it yourself"
Her: "fine, then take out the trash"
Me: "my legs are broke"
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There are 4 strings holding this tent up.. I've tripped and fallen 7 times
*winning
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Maybe we're all wrong and animals have evolved more than we think. Maybe they're not running out into traffic, maybe they're jumping..
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I'm really glad I got that hotel room last night, but there's no way that king size bed was as comfortable as the alley I woke up in
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day? I guess I'm doing something right
*opens another beer*
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I was trying to walk but somehow got distracted by my toe math.. this dandelion tastes nice though
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Friend: had a pigeon named gertrude
Other f: had a cricket named ichabod
Me: have a tick that lives in a shoebox
Ladies, we're all single
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Her: "can you even see out of this windshield?"
Me: "no, but don't worry, I won't put you in any danger."
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Apparently I was sober enough to shower last night. They may have been wet, but I didn't have to put shoes on this morning either
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I had 2 trick or treaters come to my house. It's a good thing cause 2 fucks is all I had to give
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No officer, it's not beer in there. It's a microwave like the box says
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Walked in on 2 ladies just finishing up sweeping the floor only to bring out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum the pile.. yep, that just happened
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relationship status: everything I know about women, I learned from this pop-up picture book
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"The conversation will appear here." ..thanks phone, i was wondering where it might disappear to
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@CycloneLarry69
@barstoolsports
Hate to burst your bubble, but no one watching or associated with the NFL cares about a players college record against a shitty team
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Me: "I finally bought a pigeon!"
Her: "why would you do that??"
Me: "to carry me home from the bar, duh!"
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As I ride in this trunk I can't help but to wonder, did the Germans put this escape handle in here in case the tables would turn?
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Calm the fuck down wind. You're making it real difficult to text, tweet, watch a movie, take a shower, and change my oil while I'm driving
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I'm high fiving mosquito's right now.. on next week's episode I'll be playing patty-cake with a moth
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@On3sports
@DerekYoungKSO
Averages:
SEC - 4.43/school
Big 10 - 3.93/school
Big 12 - 3/school
ACC - 2.29/school
Pac-12 - 2.25/school
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I knew there was a reason Walmart existed.. if anyone needs me, I'll be over here eating all the free cookie dough samples
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What if I do look like Tyson Bedford and have the charm of Robert Redford, will she still like me for me?
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I just had an argument with my roommate about how old I was. it ended with drinks flying across the bar.. apparently I'm 28
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More times then I can count.. RT
@katzndogz118
:
@danrgraber
has this ever happened to you?
http://t.co/3SPF4p2Yt3
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It appears that 3 of my G's kidnapped the 4th and r holding it for ransom.. and now I have to give each of them the Klondike bar they wanted
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I got in the shower and I can't reach the beer that's sitting on my bathroom sink.. this is my suicide note
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Woke up in the passenger seat of my car, my roommate woke up on a curb, and we both pissed ourselves.. this is winning, right?
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@LoriMills4CA42
@RonFilipkowski
That's kind of his point. You've only been screaming it for 2 years, when it's been a problem long before that
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Holy fuck, i just realized i made it through 40 hrs of work this week and about 8 of em involved me still drunk.. it's a miracle!
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@caneman23
@BlueShoeStudios
@benshapiro
Again, the difference being that in 2000 and 2016, the dems won the popular vote. The dems at least have an argument. That's way more than can be said about the republicans and the 2020 election
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Don't worry kid, your friend will forgive u.. my grandma and her sister didn't talk for 62 years, they're best of friends now
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Waitress: "is there anything else I can do for you?"
Me: "yeah, can u go poop for me?"
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Went to a funeral today and it wasn't my own.. either I don't drink enough, or this is a bloody miracle!
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@caneman23
@BlueShoeStudios
@benshapiro
In 2000 and 2016, the dems won the popular vote. So yeah, stolen is a valid term here. I've never heard anything about 2004 being stolen
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@OptaSTATS
@GrantFlanders
@KStateMBB
Steph Curry was against two unranked opponents (Guilford and James Madison). Markquis doing it against two ranked Big-12 teams 😈
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@supermom8639
@Bloody_Heck
@marlene4719
Wait. You're a MAGA clown and you're talking about character?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😉🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Got in a fight last night and the guy wondered why i was throwing rocks at him. Ladies and gents, that's the only hand to hand combat i know
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@SweetDollaIceT
@kellyinvegas
The point is, Texas should be winning A LOT more than they are, given their resources. They've been an embarrassment to the league for over a decade
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I get my first 50 star tweet the day I get offered a promotion?? Well fuck, I'm obviously not on twitter as much as I should be
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What about the nights I had plenty to drink (and blacked out)? RT
@katzndogz118
:
@danrgraber
right up your alley.
http://t.co/iIhwppdSwM
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@RepMTG
Sounds like a compliment to the Dems. A well oiled machine sounds a helluva lot better than whatever the fuck your party's got going on
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Sometimes a bartender's mustache is just a mustache. Usually not, but sometimes. Depends what kinda bar you're in
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Do they make permanent marker eraser? I keep my passwords written down right by my keyboard and they've all expired
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Thought about creating a list but my stumbling drunk ass would fall down and kick the bucket over before I crossed anything off the list
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I just now woke up, aaannd blew a bac level of .12.. my liver has officially said "fuck you"
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