worlds okayest parallel parker
@anacrusisnt
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Following
2,752
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Statuses
38,897
beck • any pronouns • musician, writer, funnyman • Starfinder and Blood on the Clocktower actual play-er • I used to have a podcast about blaseball
Joined June 2016
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tired: panera lemonade that kills you
wired: sephora lotion that attracts spiders
They’re doing spider science over on the Sephora Reddit
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(walks up to a heterosexual couple) so which one of you is the HBO Max and which one of you is the Discovery+
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@oldlinds
my personal theory is that there is a time traveller who hates jazz so much they keep trying to go back in time to kill Sax as a child
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@PhilJamesson
me getting five golden rings: hahaha, fuck yeah!!!
me getting six geese a-laying: shit. fuck. this sucks.
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@oldlinds
theres a second time traveler trying to protect Sax and that's why he keeps surviving
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music theory 1: so it will ALWAYS be like this
music theory 2: actually, it's a little more complicated than that.
music theory 3: here's literally all of the exceptions to what you learned in theory 1
music theory 4: go fuck yourself here's a math problem
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@amandawtwong
literally just setting up a table at the wedding where people could make their own paper bag or sock puppets (complete with googly eyes, pipe cleaners, etc) would solve this problem and also be really funny
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@kenklippenstein
"we're double checking some facts" he tweets right before one of twitter's lawyers puts him in a chokehold
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ME: i hate cliches
AUTHOR: the tough character is actually very gentle and submissive in bed
ME: ohmygod the tough character is actually very gentle and submissive in bed
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@atomicthumbs
I feel like I have been saying this for AGES. make commute time part of the employee's wages as well and watch corps start lobbying for affordable rent in cities AND improved public transportation
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Bran Stark sitting in the Winterfell courtyard for two days straight knowing full well the castle doesn't have a single wheelchair ramp he can use
#GameofThrones
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me: oh hey look this HD article is really similar to a joke I made four years ago, isn't that funny
HD eight hours later:
the irony is that since i made the Hard Drive youtube account, six years of videos are now deleted lmfao
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@loveloaf__
I once started to say "the absolute madman" referring to my non-binary friend and caught myself halfway through and settled for "madthem"
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@MikeDrucker
even weirder when you consider that the paper that received a tip about her DUI ended up NOT publishing the story and instead went to the police. the police then informed her and she wanted to press charges against the paper who didn't actually publish a story about her DUI
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@so_treu
also funny: apparently Topher's hobby is film editing and turning Peter Jackson's Hobbit Trilogy into one 2-hour movie was how he would unwind after BlacKkKlansman
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@AGramuglia
do you think Elliot is aware of what's been happening with JP or is he just vibing by a pool drinking a margarita
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@Milo_Edwards
it's really sad that cost of living is so high that 4 people have to share a bacon sandwich and probably also an apartment
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has disney even realize that they already HAVE a perfect story about a couple who are in love but can't touch each other it's called PUSHING DAISIES and they CANCELLED IT FROM ABC IN 2007
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@3arthangl
the fact that I had to get permission to use the bathroom for 8 hours a day for 12-13 years of my life and the teacher could just say I couldn't use the bathroom just bc they felt like it was mind boggling to me. why were we conditioned to be cool with that!!
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@billyeichner
Right? It's not like actors pay taxes... Or vote... Or participate in society... Or have opinions... Or anything like that!
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@ginadivittorio
She wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and
I'm in the bleachers cheering her on at every game because I'm her girlfriend and I know how hard she's worked for this and I am so darn proud of her and her team for going to State this year
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I am NOT accusing plagiarism in any way, but editors used to be very dedicated to checking pitches to make sure they weren't similar to old articles and I don't think they're doing that anymore. nothing new under the sun babey
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@AustinAni
@oldlinds
eventually the first time traveller is successful in killing Sax but upon returning to present-day, realizes that an even more horrible instrument is invented and popularized in its place
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hey fellow
@HardDriveMag
writers please reply with the best self-own you've ever written
people read Hard Drive articles and think we are brutally taking down the character in the headline when in reality like 90% of the time the author is talking about themselves
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@jpbrammer
if Stevie Nicks k*lls me, do NOT prosecute her!! she caught ME slippin! that is on ME!!
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@IlhanMN
when the oil and gas companies finally join a climate initiative to combat the problems they helped cause
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@housegoblin
me the first 3/4 of this video: I mean kinda weird, not really my cup of tea, but if it makes her happy who am I to--
me as soon as she says 'my cult': WHAT NOW
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@MegMonk
reality shows rely on the chemistry of the host I do think it would be fascinating to try someone who has never once had chemistry with anyone
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@jfruh
"if you have time to lean you have time to clean"
if you have time to nag you have time to kiss my ass
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@KatieAnneTobin
judging only from this image, I think it would be his daughter who's the greatest philosopher of our time
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@jonrosenberg
My favorite new rebuttal to the "when they go low, we go high :)" people is "live by the sword, die by the sword". People who participate in this fucking ridiculous administration don't deserve civility anymore.
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@JoJoesArt
The US has a very lax system of copyright law compared to other countries who've signed on to the Berne Convention. Don't forget that since you're Berlin-based you can (and should) sue Aaron Carter for a moral rights (specifically right to integrity) violation as well.
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@Shen_the_Bird
I had a two year gap I got asked about a lot and it was hard not to be like "GRAD SCHOOL DID YOU EVEN LOOK AT MY RESUME"
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I'm worried that to the uninitiated it looks like I'm exaggerating for humor. I'm not. This is what my theory 4 homework entailed
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you: back from the white house already
me: president's dog's haunted
you: what
me, loading a pistol and getting back on air force one: president's dog's haunted
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@JustinMcElroy
please enjoy this picture of me from when I had to take String Tech in music school
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@CapricuntofCats
"everything worth doing is worth half-assing" is a mantra I aspire to. letting go of perfectionism is a lesson I struggle with like every day
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@crystalxduan
ESPECIALLY talk about money with your coworkers. it's not illegal (it's actually protected in the US) to talk about your salary--your boss just doesn't want you to do it bc then people will realize who is being undercut (SURPRISE it's usually women and people of color)
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Absolutely in love with these opalite and white turquoise gemstone dice from
@urwizards
. They're stunning!
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@VoicesByZane
if there's one things conservatives are good at it's completely missing the message or warping the message so that it suits their views. look at what they did to jesus
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@Srirachachau
dude got concussed by a bull at the age of 50 and when he came to the first thing he asked was whether the shot came out ok. what an immaculate professional
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I meant to self-destruct this in an hour and then got distracted by work and it has since left controlled flight. so uh..... my bad
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my dreams of being a florida gothic Dark-type trainer have been realized thanks to
@eisorus
!!
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@shirvill
@HarlotPrincessx
my mom (youngest child) realized that her oldest sister had a different biological father in middle school after learning about hereditary eye color
her parents: blue eyes/green eyes
middle sister: blue eyes
mom: green eyes
eldest sister: brown eyes
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(does a sick kickflip) you either Pie or you Die bro.
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@JoJoesArt
Also your art is very good and it deserves to be protected. Sorry you're going through this
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I fell asleep watching old episodes of 30 Rock when did this blow up
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@so_treu
idk why but I am VERY entertained by the idea of him coming home after a long day of saying the most racist shit at the behest of Spike Lee, sitting down at his computer, and saying "OH BOY TIME TO WORK ON MY HOBBIT EDIT"
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Fifth base is back. LOVE WINS!!
#gblaseball
Official Diagram from the ILB higher-ups🩸⚾️
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I will give it to the Scott Pilgrim anime: it's a good season for Wallace Wells enjoyers. It's me I'm Wallace Wells enjoyers
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@jpbrammer
if the hounds of love were hunting me I would simply take my shoes off and throw them in the lake. rip to u but im different.
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@guidebythelight
I do agree that Guns Akimbo is a great Weird Daniel role but I still think nothing beats Swiss Army Man
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this is the way I find out the new Depeche Mode album is out??
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this is doing numbers. I hope you're having a good day and can agree that asteroid city got robbed this morning
nothing for asteroid city?? YOU RUBES. YOU YOKELS. DO ANY OF YOU EVEN LIKE MOVIES
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"one ticket for the barbie movie please"
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a HAPPY two-year anniversary to my
@ITYSL
tattoo
🎶 and it was also the night that the skeletons came to liiiiiiiiife 🎶
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staple this to my fucking forehead
That is no way to live. Your soul is already dead at that point. Looking at life through the threat assessment lens of a Terminator. No thank you.
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@elllie_weiss
Whoever "gave" it to Aaron (I doubt someone actually did), it wasn't theirs to give. If I give you a watch I stole from someone else, it's not your goddamn watch.
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@cyborgias
There's a scene where Bob wakes Linda up in the middle of the night and in her confusion, she thinks Bob has killed Teddy. And she's just fucking READY TO GO, she's like "We'll go on the road, we can always homeschool the kids"
Someday I wanna be a ride-or-die wife like Linda
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If I should die to gun violence
If I'm a victim of a mass shooting
If I'm a victim of gun-related domestic violence
Or for simply saying 'no' to a man
If I'm shot by a police officer
Or at a rally or protest
Lay my body on Capitol Hill
#PoliticizeMyDeath
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@Dannybroadbent1
@annabel_meschke
Type of drug used to treat depression/anxiety. Some have side effects like absolutely tanking your libido.
WHERE MY LEXAPRO GANG AT??
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@arvalis
I'm HERE for the idea of Venusaur having different plant/mushrooms on its back depending on species/location. Amazing work!
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absolutely phenomenal memeing going on in the qrts
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@LilNasX
gonna start tweeting like "hey I'm extremely queer and I think the new Lil Nas X album is amazing" just to kind of balance it out
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@poorlycatdraw
this looks like a true crime documentary where they show a photo and they're like "they were a happy family.... UNTIL THEY WERENT" and then the photo becomes a negative
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things that are not blaseball
Robot umps. Larger bases. Letting batters steal first.
MLB is testing big rule changes to save baseball
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