natalie
@american_sicko
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1,895
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Girls will say shit like “oh I haven’t played Mario kart in a while I might be kinda bad” and then wait for the countdown to hit you with “I played competitively on Japanese servers for eight years”
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GIVE UP.
- pregnant ladies
- folks who may be
- people who need
- seniors, even!
Thank you
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Nothing says “fun” like teaching ten people a drinking game that they have never heard of and aren’t really into
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One time I told this gay guy at my job that I think sexuality is low-key a spectrum and he said “maybe for you”
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Just saw a tiktok that started with “there is a SERIAL UNALIVER” in New York City
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Girls will literally throw a banana directly in front of themselves and run over it right before the blue shell hits them to conserve forward momentum
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Big props to the branding consultant who was hired by Eating Disorders to invent intermittent fasting
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This is the most fucked up queer housing situation I’ve ever seen...
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Garfield posted hole
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I’m an empath (when they go underwater in the movie I hold my breath)
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Sorry, not sorry, not going to care about Jimmy Buffett because I grew up with an alcoholic, psychologically abusive father in constant state of distress, anxiety and worry about the future. Hearing the key in the door every evening was my own 'Margaritaville' for almost 20 years
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Accidentally opening MyChart instead of Twitter and sending Mt. Sinai Hospital an email that says “ACAB includes draculas”
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Just ran into the nonbinary heir to the Moist Towelettes fortune in bushwick
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Nobody is talking about how “2-3 beers” and “having a sandwich” have completely replaced le epic bacon culture among millennials
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I can almost always tell if a song is by car seat headrest within the first ten minutes
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Nobody understands my art
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I trained my girlfriend to say stuff like “schoolcels seething over bedchads” when she wakes up early and leaves for school
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This eco-friendly wine is saving pandas!! 35% of every bottle you purchase will be donated to a Giant Panda. He is getting soooooooo drunk right now it’s crazy lol
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It’s not that serious calm down everyone. We kissed and made up afterwards
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Why does Eugene, the largest Try Guy, not simply eat the others?
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Guy who hates dippin dots but eats them all the time to build up tolerance for the future when they become the worlds only ice cream
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I’m going absolutely insane that the times put an info box about the dangers of puberty blockers in the middle of a nice article about a party
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This is what I say when I make someone walk the freaking plank
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These Venmo requests are straight as hell, reporters need to take a class about guys being dudes before they should be allowed to publish on this stuff
Ethics complaint filed against Madison Cawthorn claims he’s provided thousands of dollars in gifts, housing & travel to his aide Stephen Smith, who lives with him. Venmo payments include suggestive messages. Believed Cawthorn having an inappropriate relationship with his staffer.
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@Abraham57070992
@ZhugeEX
That’s exactly what someone who doesn’t have a sigma grindset would say
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When a woman enters my home and catches even a fleeting glimpse of this Sphere she will be ensnared for hours
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Nobody is talking about the pain and struggles of passing trans women. “I’m trans! I’m trans!” I shout, but nobody believes me. I’m trapped in a prison of my own perfect and flawless femininity (1/?)
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A 6’1” girl whose hinge profile includes a sexy selfie with a Kant book just got mad at me and unmatched when I assumed she was trans
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Bro. Dude. Can you stop? You’re seriously trespassing against me right now
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One thing about me is that if the second tallest girl at a party talks to me I will kill for her
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{guy who’s only seen one trans woman before} wow. I’m getting some real Jules From Euphoria vibes from this chick.
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If you were in touch with the earth you would all realize that cabbage is more fun than a “play””station” could ever be
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Nobody has ever seen phoebe bridgers and mr. met at the same time
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My girlfriend Me, explaining
telling me about what went down
classic literature: in small penis
chat today
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A girlfriend is a mommy you choose
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love when an edit is so life changing that you can never hear the song normally without thinking of that edit ever again
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I’m in a suburb and really adjusting to the fact that “they” always means “two people, who are married” and never means “one person, who is non binary”
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My girlfriend does this to me with her toes when she spoons me
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The feminine urge to take an enormous chomp out of someone’s raw flesh
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Wow. Just saw a ufo. Well, for me it was a ufo. Somebody might have identified it. Not me though
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Too many dolls in his DMs
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Identity is over! I’m so done with “identity” politics. whats your social security number?
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Check it out! A therapist wrote these 37 affirmations to help you feel good about being shitty to your friends
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take a single look at what any gay people are posting on reddit to take extreme psychic damage instantly
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My friend got dumped and I FaceTimed her to talk through it but I’m at the beach rn so I’m afraid I just came off as a huge bitch
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{handing you a tin can on a string} here’s my direct line. Call here any time, day or night
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@jil_slander
Even better, it's a giant phone call where everyone wants to say words like "disrupt" and "agile"
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My gf who has narcolepsy and used to go through a bottle of caffeine pills a month thinks it’s “cringe” and “millennial-coded” to be affected by drinking two coffees in a single day
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@Lubchansky
I heard it only changes the name printed on your card and not the one on the receipt/computer which is extra funny
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Please everyone remember to check your kids’ candy. I found a whole snickers bar inside this rainbow fentanyl
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Accidentally opened Reddit and immediately saw a post asking people if their hogwarts house changed when they transitioned
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It honestly feels a little personal when the second tallest girl at a party doesn’t come over to pay homage to me
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When we started dating, Meredith had pronouns and a mustache. This method WORKS
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Every day I have to explain who a niche internet microcelebrity is to my girlfriend so she can understand why their take is big yikes and she has to explain who Shawn Mendes is to me
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