Willem
@jil_slander
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Still not over the fact that when I got my prosthetic legs they were like “do you want to be taller” and I was like “ya” and then they made me 2 inches taller. You wish you were me
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"Can you explain this gap in your employment history?" no <3
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Taking my stupid little shower after another long stupid day in quarantine
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Thinking about the slab of foam they gave me in the hospital because they “thought I’d enjoy it”
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Thinking of some of my "this edible isn't shit" moments. Fav was when I wanted a new candle and just Googled "the store"
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I hate that going out and getting a little exercise actually makes me less depressed. Fuck you
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Wait Clubhouse is literally just people talking? Like a giant phone call? Absolutely the fuck not
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Congrats on learning to read a little quicker than the other kids in second grade but u are 35 now
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Being alive and conscious is so funny. Like I've been given this incredible celestial gift and I'm just buying a green Gatorade
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Sorry it’s kind of funny to me that after almost 3 decades of agonized soul-searching it turns out that I am just some guy
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Seems like the “if Hillary won we’d be at brunch right now” girls are, in fact, at brunch right now
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Hey babe sorry I told you about myself are u still into me :(
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Tech bros rly like “oh no a homeless person. I am now a white supremacist”
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Who the fuck is afraid of adding a whole head of garlic to anything
The idea of adding a whole head of garlic to a dip might scare you, but roasted garlic is sweet and mellow
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Before Adderall: hmmm.... so cosy in bed... shall I leave? Ne'er! o, to luxuriate in this warmth, this peace... may it be a gentle presence henceforth.....
After Adderall: I Am Going To Build A Computer
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Wish I was cured :( not from any illness :( just like salted and dried :(
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Me calling myself a “dumb bitch” in my head then remembering I’m trying to stop being mean to myself all the time
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Girls with Ouija board: omg ok does Josh have a crush on Katie
Me, the spirit of a Medieval serf: man I don't fuckin know. Sure
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Hi guys this is Sophie's mom unfortunately she got raptured by the Lord and is in angel heaven now. Did you guys think she was hot. Or funny.
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The words “hhhokay. So. Here’s ze earth” united an entire generation
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Everyone fumbling for the "leave meeting" button on Zoom after they've all said bye
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Imagine if Stan in the Eminem song was named something like Hank. Oh we Hank
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Wish I was born into generational wealth because i could just be like "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i'm gonna be a curator" then curate something and everyone is like "this is terrible. but we will not say it because we are afraid of your parents"
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People talk a lot of shit about the Midwest but this is what $900 a month gets you in Kansas City
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Hey girlie! 😄It's the girl who called you a fat goth bitch in 7th grade 💞 I'm selling essential oils 🍷🍷🍷and was wondering if
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Podcast where you interview that one teacher who absolutely hated your ass back in school
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How is everyone who got a mustache tattoo on their finger in 2008 doing now
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Those born in 1990-1998 please can you briefly tell us why you're not married yet?
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Me: do de do de do think I'm gonna chill and read a book
Body dysmorphia: hey bich u look like this
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Talking Heads will be like “I know a place” and when you get there be like “this must be it”
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O to be a cheeky friar having a little sip of mead from a tiny glass!
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Sufjan Stevens looks like this??? Not some guy with Chelsea boots and long hair??? And none of you were going to tell me this????????????????????
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2022 Pantone color of the year
The Dept of Education did a report on Biden's ability to cancel student debt so Biden just redacted the entire thing, how is this real lmao
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Zoom meeting but it's everyone doing that group crying/screaming thing from Midsommar
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Ppl on here like "I'm an EMPATH and a HUFFLEPUFF. Pick a rapist"
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Might I ask what the fuck was going on with the animals in the Cambrian period
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Vote!
What would you do if you saw this coming towards you at night??
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Tired of “hanging out” and “going to bars.” Who wants to play pretend
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Living in NYC is just going “if I had left one millisecond earlier I’d be on that train that just left” then spending $40 on literally nothing
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Phrases I don't like:
- all the things
- adulting
- "taco" as a verb (have witnessed)
- goals AF
- girlboss
- break the internet
thank u
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Why are all millennial self-help books called something like “FUCK!!! Shit is SO FUCKED!!! Get it SORTED THE FUCK OUT you little FREAK!!! Don’t be a BITCH!!!”
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Moms will be like [spends years commenting on your body] why do you have an eating disorder
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I think we should let people touch the paintings in the museums. Just a little bit
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I love how I need to be prescribed prosthetics. Like someone literally needs to be like “I am prescribing you legs”
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Me, about to projectile vomit: hey can I get a large black coffee
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Not only am I beautiful, sexy, and hilarious, I also haven't seen Hamilton
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Good Evening, "Facebook" was a 17 year sociological study conducted by Harvard University. We are now complete with our study. Thank you for your time
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Miss calling everything a "liminal space" back in art school ... messy closet? Liminal space. Park I cried in after my flatmate called me a dumb bitch? Liminal space. Spot on the floor of the hardcore show my ex threw up at? Liminal fuckin space baby
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This completely normal human urge you are experiencing is actually a sign of mental illness
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Ok time for bed! [spends 2 hours reading my tweets from my ex's point of view]
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Just remembered Grimes taking "anti-imperialist" out of her bio
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Thinking about the nurse who gave me some of "those socks" then checked my chart and took them away
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My 2-year-old heard of the passing of RGB and did the worm for half an hour and then died
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What about pro-aging vitamins. I want to be a 60-year-old lesbian with a long white braid who drinks warm mugs of sleepytime tea after a brisk walk along the seaside
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If a girl from your high school doesn't respond "haha what" to your Insta story are you even doing it right
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