Yomi Kazeem
@TheYomiKazeem
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"Us that are on the queue, are we stupid?" - an angry Nigerian inside GTBank.
If you’re good in English, start a sentence with “Us”
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Wife and I decided to outsource Christmas cooking this year. Food landed at 10am. Everybody don chop before noon. No stress
And so by the power vested me in as the olori ebi of my household, I have decreed a new Christmas family tradition: no cooking whatsoever on Christmas day.
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Man City - Premier League
Man Utd - FA Cup
Liverpool - Carabao Cup
Arsenal - "A journey to remember ❤️"
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Omo, Ojuelegba is blocked. An army convoy was turned back.
I never see this kain thing before. 😭😭😭
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"Politics is local"
"Party structure"
There's nothing profound about it. Just the ability to wield violence and weaponize poverty.
May God punish all of them.
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Our housekeeper just quit.
Someone promised her a "good job" in Egypt. She has no idea what the job is, or who the employer is.
My wife & I tried to verify details. She refused. Her pastor says it's a gift from God.
She leaves on Friday. It's hard not to feel scared for her.
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Na pastor wey follow protest
#EndSARS
go collect offering on Sunday.
The rest can go and collect offering from IG of police.
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The gap between a pro and a regular player is wide like Atlantic Ocean.
For instance, that Maguire that people constantly insult, if e catch you for monkey post? You go cry.
The basic skill level required to play professional football is CRAZY.
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@anesuxashley
@Griffinreborn
LMAOOOO. I thought the same thing! God knows why he doesn't give us these ideas. 🤣
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For the first time in my life, I saw someone preach about Christianity on a plane. [I've only ever seen this in public buses in Lagos.]
It went well for the preacher. Until another Nigerian yelled at him: "Sit down and shut up! This is not a danfo."
He sat down - and shut up.
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I've been married for 8 months. My meagre experience tells me marriage is more about compromise - big and small, on both sides - than about stubborn "take me as I am."
In the end, find someone worth compromising for and whose compromises you can live with.
Forget Twitter yarns
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Gundogan tackles Wilshere. Both get up and walk away unhurt. A modern day miracle.
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Nigerians have an abusive relationship with sound.
At events, in restaurants, at bars, we have music on so loud we can't hear ourselves speak. It's often bad sound and speakers too. It's so foolish, yet so common.
I can never understand it.
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99% of parenting is stopping children from killing themselves.
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Omo, nobody should paint Kidd as the bad guy because he can't give Erica what she wants o.
When Erica didn't give Laycon what he wanted, na Laycon and him generations una insult.
Keep the same energy, otherwise na Sango go kill you.
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In all this, Banky W's competence is simply assumed.
Only because he is a celebrity. As if being a celebrity instantly translates into being a solid public servant.
As if Desmond Elliot doesn't exist.
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My Dad has maintained multiple solid friendships for nearly 40 years. And this is a man that hasn't lived in Nigeria for 30+ years.
Today, our "friends" dey japa and na for Instagram we dey see am.
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If you're wondering how 72.5% of Nigerian prison inmates are serving time without a sentence, juts look at what happened yesterday.
Young men, who did nothing, would have been framed for MURDER by the police, despite contrary video evidence.
This is Nigeria.
#SarsMustEnd
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I hope Ozil and Bale stay at Arsenal and Madrid and milk their contracts.
Clubs blacklist players who refuse to be sold but complain about players not respecting contracts when a player wants out.
Ozil and Bale have nothing to prove. Stay. Milk your contract. Screw the clubs.
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If we're being honest about
#Anikulapo
, na Arolake spoil Saro life.
The guy was on his own, building his clothing startup with seed funding from his sugar-mummy investor before the Queen brought her wahala and derailed his life.
Can we all be honest about this?
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That
#GangsOfLagos
fight scene between Obalola and Kazeem is hilarious.
Someone tries to shoot you and realizes he's out of bullets. He then asks you to drop your gun and fight "like a man" and you...drop the gun???
I go first laugh for 10 minutes before I shoot.
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Anyone that knows Maduka Okoye should please tell him not to publish any public apology. It's a thing footballers do these days, and while it might be well-intentioned, there's really no need for one.
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If a man says half of the things Erica said to Laycon on national TV tonight, all of our TLs will look very different - regardless of how justified his motivations were.
I think that a simple fact we can all agree on.
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"Pep should go to Roma, let's see how he will perform."
"If Jose was at City, he can do what Pep is doing."
Ladies and gentlemen, Jose being at Roma and Pep being at City did not happen by accident. Stop using imagination to torture yourself.
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One way to improve our mental health is to
#EndSARS
.
Today is
#WorldMentalHealthDay
! In Lagos, we remain committed to improving access to Mental Healthcare & ensuring that all people have access to services that will promote their mental health.
#MentalHealth
#MentalHealth4All
@followlasg
@jidesanwoolu
@ProfAkinAbayomi
@LagosMiND
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DJ Cuppy stopped supporting Arsenal and its been greatness since.
This is why you should never support a club that has never won the Champions League.
REVEAL! As
@ManUtd
fan, I’m PROUD to be a part of their official jersey campaign! ⚽️ READY FOR THE NOISE!
#GGMU
🔊🔴
#ReadyForSport
#CreatedWithAdidas
@AdidasFootball
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Day 10 in isolation: my wife has been begging to pierce my ear because my earlobe "feels like it will be sweet to pierce."
Nobody said anything in marriage counselling about things like this.
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The Vee hate is illogical.
The girl was herself in the house - what did she do that was so horrible?
We've seen people with worse manners come on this show and you people carried them on your heads.
But Vee is where you draw the line? Una no serious.
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Hi
@ManUtd
, every time my daughter watches a ManUtd game, we win.
Every. Single. Time.
But the game tonight is way past her bedtime. In other words, you're on your own.
Good luck and God speed.
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Saying Laycon is only popular/being voted for because of the Erica thing is being shamelessly dishonest sha.
To achieve this level of popularity across different social classes, online and offline, in such a short time is incredible. Omo Ologo.
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I used the word "dithering" on a work call with a Nigerian colleague yesterday, and both of us just started laughing.
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Nengi has great spirit, even (or especially?) when she loses.
And it's a lesson to be honest: her game could have been derailed by different misconceptions about her. But her personality has slowly shone through. Love to see it.
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These housemates are super silly for letting Neo and Vee play Bonnie & Clyde with their destinies.
You're there hustling for N85m, two people are playing Love Is Blind and you're letting them?
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Penalties are tricky things. You'll pick a spot in your head and your leg will just do what it likes.
I scored one penalty in Babcock, off the top corner crossbar and in. Till tomorrow, I don't know how I placed it there.
Boys dey hail me say my penalty mad, me sef dey nod. 😂
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He's talking to you during a game? That's true love.
you can be talking serious things with a man over the phone and you'll just hear him shout "GOALLLLLLL"
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It's not turning anybody into anything. Simply revealing things about them.
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Third straight game we've conceded from a corner.
This is God punishing us for that stupid One Corner rubbish that some of you were doing.
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I'm voting for Groovy based on his pitch. He sold himself. He gets my votes. 👍🏽
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Nigerian HR folks never miss a chance to play god. Carry the job to heaven.
Nonsense upon ingredient.
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When all the giggles and laughs are done, I hope you realise that it's very weird to describe other people's partners as clowns, unprovoked.
If you like continue retweeting Michelle Obama’s relationship advice to make yourselves feel better. I will sha remind you that the clown you are with is not Barrack so you better know what you are doing. You’re welcome. Don’t mention
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Do you what's mad about living in Nigeria?
A trailer explosion will kill 100 people today yet there will be no kind of policy check to avoid a repeat. That means another trailer explosion WILL kill 100 another day.
Staying alive in this country is literally a lottery.
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SARS officers kidnapped and robbed me back in 2012. It left me traumatized for months.
They threatened to take me to Epe and "dump" me there. I got out alive and unharmed, but many do not.
#EndSARS
#EndSarsProtests
My good man
@TheYomiKazeem
writes on being kidnapped by
#SARS
and on what we already know - that the Nigerian police and its units employ needless brutal force way too much.
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If you've lost a parent and you're watching this BBNaija presentation tonight, I'm sending you love. ❤
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If John Ogu doesn't start at the World Cup, we're going to scatter everything. Gernot Rohr will tell us whether this is his country or our country.
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Nobody at Arsenal can boldly say Ozil didn't make a 25-man squad because for footballing reasons.
They need to come clean and stop looking silly.
Because every time Arsenal lose and evidently lack creativity in the final third, the Ozil question will pop up.
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Football heartbreak happens on a steady sha.
Your club will lose and you will dodge highlights for one full week. You'll leave Supersport and be watching National Geographic like say you be Tarzan.
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Croatia no get God?
We declare over the Super Eagles of Nigeria and NFA, that God will lift up the light of His countenance upon them, the heaven will favour their cause, they will bring forth excellence and God will give them victory after victory in Jesus name.
#BecomeYourVision
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Another person's success isn't your failure. Be happy for others.
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PDP boys have more smoke for Obi than Wike is among the top 2 most hilarious things about Nigeria - and it's not No. 2.
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Take note of how politicians are responding to the people they serve. Take note of all that is going on right now. They will come and ask for our votes in 2023.
We will remind them.
#EndSARS
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My friend lost her job last week for not having a NYSC certificate.
Nigeria's president, known for his "anti-corruption" stance, has been silent on allegations that his finance minister forged her NYSC certificate. The minister still has her job.
This is Nigeria.
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Saudi Arabia minimum wage: N305,000.
Nigeria minimum wage: N30,000.
Further afield, Egypt charges N211 per litre. Saudi Arabia charges N168 per litre. It makes no sense for oil to be cheaper in Nigeria than in Saudi Arabia.
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My mother died on my birthday.
Words can't express the pain and emptiness I feel. It was a long goodbye and I'm grateful for the life she lived. I also know she's in a better place. But I still don't know how to deal with this.
It is well. Rest in peace and glory, Iya Lati.
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I've been having conversations with friends and family, trying to rethink my life goals and figure out the things that matter most to me.
And, after deep thinking, I've realized that all I want in life is for Yinka Ayefele to hail me in one of his songs. 🙏🏿
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For folks asking: it was an international flight. Preacher was a Nigerian man. Person who asked preacher to shut up was a Nigerian woman.
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For 150k ticket right now, the plane will pick you up at Ikeja airport and drop you at Epe.
Today in 2012.
Round trip ticket on Emirates for this trip was 150k.
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"You're lucky because De Gea saved you"
Rubbish talk. Was he supposed to save Arsenal?
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It was this same Arolake that suggested Saro should start resurrection business o.
My guy wanted to relaunch his startup and work hard, but Arolake was fully determined to finish him. What a pity 💔
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Be careful what you consume.
I'm not dissing Zikoko's work and I'm not saying all marriages are blissful, but if you only read stuff about toxic, bad marriages/experiences, it's not ideal.
As bad marriages plenty, na so good, happy marriages plenty.
God go help all of us.
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It's especially ironic that Arsenal are doing this to a player who wants to stay after years of crying about Fabregas, Van Persie and co. leaving.
Bro
@MesutOzil1088
, collect your full salary. You've got nothing to prove. Just sit in the stands with your umbrella
#YaGunnersYa
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It's my birthday.
It's usually the most difficult day of my year, but today, I choose happiness. ❤️
Say a prayer for me if you see this!
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Guys, I've done the permutations. Nigeria will qualify.
Listen.
We'll beat Iceland. Croatia will draw v Argentina.
Croatia 4 pts
Nigeria 3
Arg. 2
Iceland 1
We'll draw vs Argentina. Croatia will draw Iceland
Croatia 5 pts
Nigeria 4
Arg. 2
Iceland 2
Can I get an amen?
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I don't think it's a penalty if a player *unintentionally* nods the ball against his own hand.
But if you're really looking for something to be mad about, be mad about Ighalo missing that chance after the ball fell to him. Forget this referee talk.
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My favourite thing about Lukaku is how madly he celebrates other people's goals.
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Arsenal fans: "We have a game in hand"
The game in hand:
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Worship your own, let others worship their own. Who made you class captain of Nigeria?
Falz is the kind of allround talent that you should be "worshipping", but no, you like soco soco baby o
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I'm confused by people attacking John Terry for this. Why exactly should the captain and first team players fly in economy on a 13-hour flight while academy kids fly first class?
What logic supports that?
If people think players in Football Manager are unreasonable.
This is John Terry talking about how AVB lost the dressing room at Chelsea… because they refused to go in economy.
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If Victor Osimhen was your brother, which airline would you advise him to fly with to Saudi Arabia?
🚨 BREAKING 🚨
Al Hilal have made an offer worth €140m to Napoli for striker Victor Osimhen
The wages on offer for Osimhen are in the region of £1m per week
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A lot of people don't understand this but streaming services getting broadcast rights to live football/sports over cable services is a net negative for fans.
In Canada, I need 3-4 different streaming apps just to watch the football content that DStv offers in one bundle.
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After my mum died, phone calls gave me MAD anxiety—I was terrified of more bad news.
My sister clocked it and started phone conversations with "Nothing is wrong, I'm fine, don't worry." It made a world of difference. ❤
If you have anxiety issues, I pray it passes. God dey. 🙏🏿
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Tobi Amusan broke the world record twice. But only the first record will count because the second one was "wind assisted."
I did a short note on what wind assistance means in sprint races and why it matters.
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Her behavior was shameful. And she fully deserved to be disqualified. Adults should take responsibility for their actions and be accountable, not infantilized.
She may become the most successful housemate ever—it won't erase, or justify, her actions and behavior last night.
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Ademola Ojabodu,
@oxladeofficial
's manager, would have been falsely charged with MURDER but for video footage evidence emerging from Twitter.
My latest
@qzafrica
piece on how young Nigerians are using social media to fight fake news around ongoing protests. 👇🏾
#EndSARS
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My 19 month old daughter can now count from 1 -10. But she always leaves out number 9.
Having given it a lot of thought, I'd like to announce that number 9 is dead to me and no longer exists in my household.
It's the only logical conclusion. My daughter is never wrong.
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To the glory of God—and the eternal shame of bachelors, The Yomi Kazeem Jollof™ came alive once again today.
DM for my world-class recipe. We rise by lifting others.
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Ola Aina is a fine player. He should be playing at Champions League level consistently.
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Luka Modric at 27: Zero trophies [outside Croatia].
Luka Modric at 37: 21 trophies, two World Cup medals, one Ballon D'Or.
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People leaving Nigeria for Canada—and other Western countries—say they're doing it for their children.
That's why Nigeria’s ongoing middle-class brain drain is costing the country two generations in one swoop.
My
@qzafrica
story:
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3pm.
Me: Babe, I'm making grilled Turkey, do you want some?
Wife: No.
4pm.
Babe, I'm marinating Turkey, do you want some?
Wife: No
5pm.
Babe, I'm nearly done with the grilled Turkey, do you want some.
Wife: No.
6.40pm.
Wife: Yomi, where is my grilled Turkey?
WHY?????????
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It's my last day at
@qz
/
@qzafrica
.
It's been 5 years, 1,093 published stories, [hundreds of charts!] and lots of learning.
Special thanks to
@YinkaWrites
who took a chance on me in 2015. Yinka is an incredible boss & an even better human.
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A new football season is about to start.
- Try not to insult people because they disagree with your opinion. Your opinion isn't law.
- Try not to insult people in the name of "banter."
Because, in the end, football really isn't that serious. Cheers.
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See FIFA, forget story. Just count this match as our first group game at the World Cup and give us three points. We'll continue the rest by June.
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Update: I'm joining
@SalientAdvisory
to build market intelligence on health tech startups and innovation in Africa.
I'm looking forward to a new path and excited about sharing insight, and stories of health-focused innovation across the continent, with our global clients.
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Live eviction show: 2 mins of eviction, 58 minutes of time wasting.
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A football fan can just say "Agueroooooooooooooooooo" and like two billion people will know the exact moment being talked about.
Tennis will never match that.
there’s no football moment more important to sports enthusiasts than the 2008 Wimbledon Men’s Singles Finals. the battle between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal is greater than whatever you people are watching in football.
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Run away from any church where they treat the pastor like a deity.
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I honestly don't get why Nigerian football fans have more smoke for Ghana than Cameroon.
Cameroon is the real enemy. I can never forgive and forget Nigeria/Ghana 2000.
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