Sgt Maj Norman French
@SgtMajFrench
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Former newspaper journalist now working for The King. Just some bloke. Satire, reflection and life in green. RAMC and HAC.
Aldershot by way of Deptford
Joined November 2019
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The Princess Royal riding Falkland on the occasion of the King’s Coronation. A Sandhurst Welfare bloke riding Falkland on the occasion of it being a Tuesday. Best horse in the Household Division.
#JustSaying
#Coronation
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I met the Duke of Edinburgh once, at a mess function. He stayed chatting to the NCOs long into the night and had us howling with laughter. As he left he turned to a few of us and said... 'wear the uniform for as long as they will allow'. A giant among leaders.
#PrincePhilip
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‘Dad, is it okay for me to ride around camp on my own?’
‘It’s fine, baby girl. The babysitters are armed Gurkhas. You can’t get out and bad people can’t get in. Nobody messes with the Gurkhas.’
#Namaste
#gurkhas
#belonging
#Wednesdayvibe
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Imagine an isolation where you have no hot water, no fresh food, coffee or alcohol. No internet. You are exhausted and filthy. And people want you dead. But you still laugh. This is what soldiers do. Self isolating isn't hard. For the sake of humanity, stay at home.
#StayHome
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It’s a silly thing but it means a lot to me. After two years as Welfare bloke, I was granted permission to ride up the Old College steps on the Adjutant’s Charger. Me and Shadow in the morning light. With thanks to
@PHILIPCARRUK
for the stunning pictures.
@HACRegiment
#horses
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This little girl is the love of my life and yesterday she was sobbing at the truly awful things being said about me on Social Media. To those who don't get it, this account is satire. To those who don't own a dictionary, it's military humour. That's all it is.
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Second day of term and I have been saluted.
‘Why are you saluting?’
‘Not sure, Sir.’
‘I’m not in uniform, you’re not in uniform and I’m not an Officer.’
‘I think it’s your haircut, Sir.’
‘You saluted my haircut?’
‘Yes, Sir.’
‘I’ll let my hairdresser know. She’ll be delighted.’
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I almost never post third party media but my respect for this man has no limit.
Trombonist soldier tries to play on after fainting
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French Junior takes a pound to school to buy a drink with her mates. Yesterday she came home with a poppy on her blazer. When I asked about it, she said: ‘You lost friends too, Dad.’ Went for a walk.
Going to give Twitter a rest until after Remembrance.
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It’s been a difficult week, staying up late at night picking through my feelings about life as a soldier. It’s a miserable habit and I became distant, which hurt my daughter. So we sat on the beach and talked about Afghanistan. My job now is her happiness.
#family
#parenting
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I was in Afghanistan when French Junior was born. I arrived home and just wanted to find somewhere quiet and fade away. She has saved from myself every day since. I can’t pretend to know what positive mental health means but for me it’s the love of a little girl.
#MentalHealth
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My daughter was born while I was in Afghanistan. On her first birthday it was Jordan, then Cyprus and so on. I am now isolating with my family in a quiet corner of Surrey. Although I wish Covid hadn't happened, this is turning into the happiest time of my life.
#SundayThoughts
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‘Sergeant Major, there’s a Colonel sitting on the floor in your office.’
‘Yes, Sir. Her dog isn’t allowed on the sofa.’
‘What about the Colonel?’
‘Well, Sir, the Colonel outranks me and the dog outranks the Colonel but I outrank the dog. I have a flowchart.’
@TheBloodColonel
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Good morning from the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst. I have completed my Advanced Tea Making course and am now a Welfare bloke. Still in the Army but no longer in green, I am dressed like a country gent... at least that's how it feels to a boy from Lewisham.
#belonging
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‘I’m off on my bike, Dad.’
‘Right then, don’t…’
‘I know. Don’t ride on the drill square or down the bayonet lane. Don’t hide behind trees and shout ‘brace up’. And don’t be a d*ck.’
‘Whoa! Where did you hear the last one?’
‘You say it to the Corporals.’
#SaturdayMorning
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French Junior’s third school in five years… it’s part of life in the forces. I’m more anxious than she is. She said: ‘Schools are like Army camps, Dad, they’re all the same. Only the kids are different.’ I don’t deserve her.
#schools
#Tuesday
#newterm
#backtoschool
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Another school for French Junior, her fourth in five years. She doesn’t complain about the attrition of Army life, instead just shrugs her shoulders and gets on with it.
‘At least the uniform is better than the last one.’
This young girl has my heart.
#FirstDayOfSchool
#school
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Oooh, I have been branded a Walt… a fraud, an imposter. In American parlance… ‘stolen valor’. It’s true, my pics are photoshopped, medals purchased online and my King’s Honours citation was an inside job. This is a staged photo at a motorway services outside Bristol.
#fraud
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The Adjutant’s Charger, Falkland, is a veteran of Sovereign’s Parade and is reckoned to be the best horse in the Household Division. His drill today was on the money. He was then led through the College and back to his stable. He is due to retire; crikey, I’ll miss him.
#Horses
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I have had a call from French Junior's teacher. A boy fell over and hurt himself, at which point French Junior said... 'Get up, stop crying and crack on.' Apparently his parents aren't happy. I didn't know what to say, so settled for... 'And?'. I couldn't be prouder.
#parenting
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'Put that arm away, Private. You don't salute a Sergeant Major.'
'I'm so sorry, Sir. You're older than my dad and I just panicked.'
#fridaymorning
#belonging
#britisharmy
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Jack Sadler was killed in Sangin in 2007. He once made me a brew on a hill in sideways rain. We laughed. The HAC held an auction to raise money for a scholarship fund in Jack’s name so I bought a box of his kit. In it was a name tag that still travels with me.
#RemembranceDay
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'Sergeant Major, where are we with Coronovirus planning?'
'I had a fire drill, Sir.'
'Hasn't everyone gone home, Sergeant Major?'
'Yes, Sir, it was just me. I took the fire muster and I was present and correct. The paperwork is in and we are compliant for six months.'
#army
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When French Junior rushed in and breathlessly announced that I had 20,000 followers and therefore must be an influencer, my wife looked up from her book and said, ‘Your daughter just called you an unemployed idiot.’
If I could make 20,000 brews, I would. Thank you.
#Thanks
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I don’t do well at Remembrance… I’m sure I’m not alone. I am duty welfare bloke so am not on parade. Instead I’m offering a quiet moment of personal gratitude. Pericles said ‘Freedom is the sure possession of those alone who have the courage to defend it’.
#remembranceday2022
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As another appointment draws down, tomorrow I begin my handover of Old College Welfare. The world turns and we turn with it. Off to the Aldershot Garrison where someone has decided that I may be of further use. Still in the fight. Proud of the part I played here.
@RMASandhurst
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A text exchange from a few years ago… when I was a Colour Sergeant. One of my all-time favourite conversations. Still makes me smile.
#communication
#seeyoulater
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'Good grief Sergeant Major.... we do not carry umbrellas.'
'Digby carried one at Arnhem, Sir, and he was awarded the Distinguished Service Order.'
'You are not Digby, Sergeant Major, and you'll need a better justification than that.'
'One of us is dry, Sir.'
#thursdaymorning
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Perfect weather for a bit of drill… the Square has been cleared and rehearsals are in full swing for Sovereign’s Parade on Friday. The kettle is on in the Welfare Flat and I will shortly be making everyone a brew… and by everyone I mean me.
@AcSgtMaj_RMAS
@dean1wg
#music
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Today was dress-up-as-the-job-you-want day at school. All the boys went in football kit and the girls dressed up as influencers. This was French Junior. I know she’s dressed like an officer but still, I very nearly choked up. She even shaped her beret.
#FridayMotivation
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I’ve been at Sandhurst a little over a year now… my first Army appointment since she was born where I see French Junior every day. We often just sit and talk. I don’t think either of us have known happiness like it.
#happiness
#father
#daughter
#family
#love
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Just been texted this… took me back to Iraq in 2003 and the end of the longest and most frightening night of my life. It was chaotic and people died. I remember the relief as we drove back through the gate… someone had a camera. This was me.
#war
#TuesdayFeeling
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Oh the joy of escorting my dark blue anaesthetist mate Kate around Sandhurst and watching as salutes go up, down, halfway up, back down…
‘What rank is that?’ they ask.
‘Admiral’ I reply.
#Navy
#MedTwitter
@doctorwibble
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If you’re going to be awarded a gong, why not in the Indian Army Memorial Room at the Royal Military Academy with a handshake from the College Commander? A proud day with my family watching… my Platinum Jubilee Medal.
#Jubilee
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My boots are ready for Sovereign’s Parade and if a scruffy Welfare bloke can achieve this, anyone can. It’s not as hard as people think. Find someone from the Household Division who can bull boots like a champion and pay them twenty quid. You’re welcome.
#shiny
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7,000 followers, which stuns me. Thank you for giving your time to a weary but contented old soldier. My nephew says I'm an influencer, a label I enjoyed for a full minute before I realised that I can barely influence my subordinates or even my children. Have a cake.
#belonging
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Having been placed on Twitter’s Death Row, I have been given a reprieve. It appears that I am not the enemy of all that is decent but am still a Sgt Maj in His Majesty’s employ. Thank you so much for all the goodwill, especially Yasser the bloke from Twitter. Back in.
#coffee
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It took time to develop and produce the body armour I once wore. There were downsides... it was heavy, uncomfortable and gave me heat rash. The bullet that it would have stopped never came but I was glad I wore it. The Covid vaccine works the same way. Get vaccinated.
#COVID19
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However much Remembrance means to me, French Junior must reach her own understanding. Today she accessorised herself and when I asked what the poppy means to her, she said: ‘You lost mates, Dad.’ Went into the garden to remove a bit of grit from my eye.
#RemembranceDay
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Signing off for a few weeks’ leave. My final thought from Sovereign’s Parade was seeing my godson commission into the British Army. I remember kicking a ball about with him and his Dad in a garden in Shooter’s Hill so very long ago. Go well, Max.
#family
#friendship
#life
#time
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The ongoing adventures of a Walt. I’m not really in the Army but managed to blag my way into HQ this morning. The Guardhouse were defenceless against the natural authority of a Jersey-Heavy-Wool. Have opened three monitors to underpin my importance. Nobody suspects.
#fraud
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‘Will you be growing a beard, Sergeant Major?’
‘I have been explicitly told not to, Sir.’
‘The new policy clearly states that beards are allowed. We must lead by example. More than happy to correct whoever told you not to.’
‘Mrs French, Sir.’
@MilitaryBanter
#beards
#britisharmy
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Upsetting days happen in Welfare, so this is a nod to the junior rank who stopped and said… ‘My sister is a psychotherapist. She talks a lot about non-verbal communication. I hope you don’t mind me asking, Sir, but are you alright?’
‘I will be. Thanks for asking.’
#kindness
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Sovereign’s Parade complete and I saw the King. It was my last parade with Kirky, who leaves his role as Academy Sergeant Major and moves on to a new appointment. It’s the Army way. I will miss my mate.
#Friends
@AcSgtMaj_RMAS
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Sovereign’s Parade at the Royal Military Academy complete. The best spot behind the scenes is as the Officer Cadets march up the steps, into Old College and out of view of the stands. The pride and satisfaction is a joy to see.
#miltwitter
#proud
@AcSgtMaj_RMAS
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In response to the impressive guerrilla campaign being waged against me by the Corporals, I have delivered a proportionate counter thrust. I was tempted to sign it from Norman the Conqueror but that would have just been childish.
#thursdaymorning
#armybethebest
#belonging
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My old mess dress has been hanging in my locker for eight years; a poignant reminder of my time in the mighty Royal Army Medical Corps. I have given it to a young Combat Med Tech; it fits him well. It's time my locker reflected where I am, not where I once was.
#medics
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Gripped and inspected by the Academy Sergeant Major. Felt like a first day Lance Corporal on show parade. Heart pounding, trying not to hyper-ventilate. ‘Not bad’ apparently. I’ll take that all day long. Flippin’ ‘eck.
@AcSgtMaj_RMAS
#WednesdayMotivation
#belonging
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I served in two regiments with Jack Sadler. Quiet and funny, I liked him immensely and we always found time for a brew. He was killed on patrol in Sangin. We were friends and I was given his name tape… the first thing to go up when I arrive in a new posting.
#RemembranceDay
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A bit about the new horse. He’s ex Army and a Cavalry Black no less, but decided that London Ceremonial wasn’t his thing. Can’t blame him for that. He’s a big boy at 17:1 and an Irish Sports Horse. His official name is Vendetta although French Junior calls him ‘V-Dog’.
#horse
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‘Sergeant Major, I wasn’t aware of a visit by two Colonels.’
‘Lucinda and Anna, Sir. Old mates over for a chat.’
‘Good god… rank! What do they do?’
‘Haematologist and vascular surgeon, Sir. I don’t think they meant to scare you.’
‘Bloody medics. Civilians in disguise.’
#medics
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It's my last day. I can hear a regimental band playing on the square. Throughout the misery of Covid, one thing has remained constant. The Corporals and Sergeants have cheerfully turned up each day with new and innovative ways of winding me right up. Love and respect.
#belonging
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‘So there are no Officer Cadets on camp?’
‘None.’
‘So I can cycle anywhere I like?’
‘Yep.’
‘Even on the Drill Square?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m still a Sergeant Major and I’ll put you on extras forever.’
#fridaymorning
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To those who are pointing the finger, I get it. My feed has always been about humour because it helps. For the very little that it’s worth I had a difficult tour of Afghanistan in 2011 and I feel sick at what is unfolding. I am with you… I always have been.
#Afghanistan
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Five rules for a happy Army life...
1. A 400 metre detour is better than saluting in error
2. You only need one chin
3. There's no shame in a goretex jacket
4. The brew break is a principle of war
5. Eight pairs of boots is normal
Any more?
#SaturdayMorning
#belonging
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I don’t lament the passing of time but when your godson rocks up and announces he is joining Sandhurst and you remember when he was the size of a bean and before you know it you’ll be calling him Sir and wearily showing him where he actually is on a map.
#Friday
#oldandyoung
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I am no longer an ambitious man but if the gods of war allow me more of this during the years ahead I will continue to know happiness. Wishing everyone a loving and peaceful year ahead.
#happiness
#NewYear
#2023NewYear
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‘Let’s sit here, Dad. If someone gets shouty, run.’
If French Junior is ever asked what it was like being a kid at Sandhurst, she can show them moments like this. To her the place is a sprawling playground where Gurkhas smile and say ‘namaste’ whenever they see her.
#belonging
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My most profound thanks for the outpouring of support I have received since being trolled. I read the messages of kindness to Baby French who is smiling again. She is back to calling me the 'fat old lad'. I will be taking the fight to the Corporals tomorrow.
#belonging
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Went to the chapel for a chat. Couldn't find a Padre but found a dog. We had long talk about theology and the great existential questions. He listened attentively and calmed me down. I left feeling uplifted. The Padre's dog moves in mysterious ways.
#vizsla
#mondaythoughts
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Busy day in Welfare so I missed the opportunity to pay my respects. A long time ago Trooper Jack Sadler made me a brew in the thick of a Northumberland storm. It was a simple act of kindness that stayed with me. Wherever I go, Jack’s name tape goes with me.
#WeWillRememberThem
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This is worth a watch from the All Arms Pace Sticking Championship. I don’t know much about sticking but the team from Pakistan Military Academy turned the crowd quiet.
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My photo has appeared on Welfare notice boards across Sandhurst with the universal observation that I am wearing a post-war shopkeeper's coat. So, when the cadets need a brew and a rant, the Colour Sergeants are directing them to Storeman Norman.
#belonging
#wednesdaythought
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I'm on a course for my next appointment. I expected to be living in a wet ditch with shouty Colour Sergeants calling me a lizard. I wasn't expecting clean sheets, a warm classroom, buffet lunches and coffee. Has someone quietly transferred me into the Royal Air Force?
#Training
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You know you’ve been in the Army a while when your war appears on the boards of the Royal Hospital Chelsea. And then you meet a Chelsea Pensioner who was there with you.
#Time
#oldschool
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I give you Brian, who we have put in charge of morale. He sleeps a lot and doesn’t say or do much, yet has raised more smiles in a day than I have managed during my entire tenure. This is what a welfare force multiplier looks like.
#dogsoftwitter
#thursdayvibes
#mentalhealth
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Went to a dinner night last week and changed into my mess dress far too early. Dense wool weave in the sweltering heat so I went to the stables to cool down. Took this picture, which I know is pompous nonsense but I quite like it. The mighty Boris… my mate.
#horses
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This photo means a lot to me. He was the last officer cadet from the Afghan Army to commission from Sandhurst and is building a life in the UK. Yet there were agents actively seeking to do him and his family harm. He is now settled and living freely. It was good to see him.
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‘Are you cold?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you see that tree?’
‘We’re at the beach, Dad…’
‘Start running until you see a tree. Run to the tree then come back. Then you’ll be warm.’
‘Mum, he’s doing that stupid Sergeant Major thing again.’
#tuesdayvibe
#TuesdayFeeling
#kids
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This isn’t for the go-getters, the thrusters, the goal-setters, the high-achievers, the New Year’s Resolutionists or the big thinkers. This is for those, like me, who just want to make it through another year unscathed. Wishing you a peaceful and entirely predictable 2024.
#HNY
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Even when chatting informally within the military chain of command, it’s important to strike an appropriate balance between familiarity and professionalism. Happy New Year to all… time for my first brew of 2022.
#HappyNewYear
#CoffeeTime
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'Sir, I'm off to receive my Covid vaccination.'
'I thought Sergeant Majors were indestructible, Sergeant Major.'
'We are, Sir, but on the occasions I was being shot at and a sandbagged position was available I found it best to stand behind it.'
#COVID19
#wednesdaythought
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It is my last week at Pirbright and as I'm in the early evening of my career, I don't suppose I'll be back. It's a good camp, full of young soldiers brimming with promise and optimism. To all at Alexander Barracks, walking among you has been a privilege.
#MondayMotivaton
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‘Sgt Maj, what are you doing on exercise?’
‘Driving the ambulance.’
‘A Private soldier’s job?’
‘Specialist role, Sir. If your troops get injured, you’ll be glad to see your old mate Norman charging over the hill.’
‘Old mate, Sgt Maj?’
‘Oh, that hurts, Sir.’
#tuesdaymotivations
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Here we go. A balmy -3 degrees in the winter sunshine for Sovereign’s Parade at the Royal Military Academy. At midnight Officer Cadets from Senior Term will commission into the British Army. Good luck and Godspeed.
#miltwitter
#proud
@AcSgtMaj_RMAS
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‘Sergeant Major, what are you doing up there?’
‘My riding assessment, Sir.’
‘But you’re Welfare.’
‘Exactly. Welfare can happen anywhere so as part of my continuous professional development I have created a Mounted Welfare capability with a current membership of one.’
#horses
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‘Free carrots, Sergeant Major?’
‘Exactly, Sir. For the horses.’
‘What about the troops?’
‘They weren’t giving away free beer. Or mustard chinos for the officers. Just carrots.’
#Christmas
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‘I hear it’s your birthday, Sergeant Major. Many happy returns. How old?’
‘Fifty six, Sir.’
‘Good Lord, did someone forget to discharge you?’
‘Could be the same person who approved your promotion, Sir. Mrs French does a fine chocolate torte. Would you like a piece?’
#cake
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I have been extended as Welfare Bloke for another year. The Warrant Officers demonstrated the correct response to the news by mocking me as too old, too idle and too stupid to carry on, swiftly followed by, ‘Bored now. Let’s talk about something else.’ Army mates are good mates.
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I won’t be Tweeting for a while. God Save The King.
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‘Good Lord, Sgt Maj… what are you doing on exercise?’
‘Having a brew and providing welfare.’
‘Will you be going up into the mountains?’
‘Steady, Sir, no need to get ahead of ourselves. In my experience Welfare is best delivered at low altitude with tea and biscuits.’
#welfare
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My Twitter feed started out as a bit of squaddie humour and evolved into a vehicle for finding laughter amid the misery of Covid. These days it feels more reflective. I have hit 10k, which is startling. My heartfelt gratitude to all who decided that I’m worth a follow.
#10k
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I have been branded a Walt again. It’s true… I’m not a soldier. This pic was taken the day before French Jnr was born. Mrs French thought I couldn’t be at the birth because I was in Afghanistan. I was actually at a Star Wars party in Brighton. I went as Princess Leia.
#StarWars
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PT instructor did a written assessment on me.
‘When was the last time you did any proper running?’
‘Basra, 2003. I ran two hundred metres to treat a casualty and help carry him back. His Mum wrote me a letter. Haven’t felt the need to run since.’
‘We can’t put that…’
#running
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I was in Afghanistan when French Junior was born. Coming home to her after time away brings me moments of absolute peace.
‘How was the course, Dad? Did you have to get Sergeant Majorly?’
‘Not really.’
‘What? Not a single lizard?’
‘Not one.’
‘Blimey. Mum’s making a brew.’
#family
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That’s two years at the Royal Military Academy, among the most fulfilling of my life. Welfare is rewarding work… I then head home for entertaining debates with French Junior. If success is about finding happiness, I appear to be having a moment.
#Happiness
#parent
#daughter
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‘Sir, there’s a Guards’ Captain in the NAAFI… says you owe him a Welfare Brew.’
‘Tell him to buy his own brew.’
‘Who is he?’
‘Captain Kirky. He used to be important.’
At least I wasn’t in uniform… still dodging my first salute to the former Academy Sergeant Major.
#coffee
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It’s been a while since I took a post down but people were becoming a bit too excited. My feed is just a series of gentle observations about a job where if you live in a wet hedge for long enough, they eventually give you a desk near a radiator. See you next time. Here’s Brian.
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I was the oldest instructor at the Staff Leadership School. When I left I was given a military funeral… coffin with flag as well as a heartwarming eulogy. This is what Army mates do… make you feel the love in the most tasteless way possible. A great day.
#friendship
@dean1wg
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Just completed 2k in a respirator for Combat Stress. I wish there was a word in the English language that could convey the misery of this undertaking. Don’t know how Kirky does it… he is a machine.
@AcSgtMaj_RMAS
@CombatStress
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My reputation for making proper coffee has grown legs and is running out of control all over Sandhurst. Celebrity parachutist and media darling Andrew Fox has tasted the French Roast… the Airborne smirk is alive and well.
@maj_retd_fox
@ExplorerCoffees
#miltwitter
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Made it through a week of stomach flu, which is comically horrible. I am unreliably informed I’m the first HAC Warrant Officer to ride up the Old College steps on the Adjutant’s Charger. To the cynics who said I would never amount to anything, you were only half right.
#horses
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My final brew with Kirky as Academy Sergeant Major. It’s the Army way with the two-year appointment cycle. We insulted each other for an hour. I’m going to miss my mate.
@Kirky_Kirkwood
#mates
#friendship
@RMASandhurst
#brew
#coffee
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Best picture of the last day of term. Sovereign’s Parade complete and the Officer Cadets are handing in their ceremonial kit. Me and French Junior slipped away to feed the horses. Four weeks ahead with nothing to do but be a father. ‘Bet you’re glad that’s all over’, she said.
60
32
880