Sean Finnerty, no PhD
@SeanyFinnerty
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Irish comedian seen on The Tonight Show. #NUFC . The product of two cripplingly supportive parents.
Orlando, FL
Joined March 2013
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Pinned Tweet
My pal who’s an Everton fan watched their game today on a 15 minute delay. Here’s our text exchange as he watched Everton fall apart. We might not be friends after this
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Tried calling my friend in the states at 9am Irish time but I forgot to factor in the time difference what with America being 100 years behind
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Here is my set from the Tonight Show for those who missed it:
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Check me out on the tonight show!
Tonight:
@michaelb4jordan
is here,
@CobieSmulders
stops by, and stand-up from
@SeanyFinnerty
. Happy
#ThankYouNoteFriday
!
#FallonTonight
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“If I wanted an Irish comic I’d go to a bar at 2am and scrape one off the ground” - Real quote from a comedy booker
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Just got unemployment with 15 weeks back pay. Suggest a charity below and I’ll give $500 to the answer with the most likes. No political causes please.
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Comedy tip: Share a comedy festival poster on social media and say you got accepted in even if you didn’t. Nobody is going to bother reading through the 50+ names on the poster.
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Ok, I get it. Smoking during pregnancy can stunt a babies growth. But why does everyone blame the mother? Why does nobody go after these crafty babies smuggling cigarettes into the womb?
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I don’t get this game
🟩🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩🟩 🟩
🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩🟩
🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩 🟩 🟩
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Some guy: Do you know that Jesus died for our sins?
Me: Woah woah woah. Spoiler alert, asshole! I hadn't read that far yet.
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Maybe this is the wine talking, but I used to be grapes.
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*Twitter feed in 2014*
-Joke
-Joke
-Joke
-News
-Joke
-Joke
*Twitter feed in 2018*
-FUCK TRUMP
-TRUMP RULES
-SCHOOL SHOOTING
-SEXUAL ASSAULT
-IMPEACH
-Joke?
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Me: "I'm looking for a 1 bed, my budget is around $1500 a month."
Realtor: Cool. I have this AMAZING 2 bed for $9800 if you're interested."
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My girlfriend told me I was her rock so I told her she was my Vin Diesel.
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I say we make Hunter Biden and Donald Trump Jr fight. Nothing to do with the election I just wanna see that
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Just went to a rodeo and I can't wait to go again! Mostly so I can tell people that it's not my first rodeo.
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I don’t understand people who never leave their hometowns. You gotta move to a big city where you can have endless entertainment options to ignore while you stay at home alone feeling depressed and hopeless in your shitty little apartment.
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My girlfriend is young enough that I had to explain to her who Moby is so I guess I’m the creep.
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How old am I? 30. When did I find out that you can use WiFi when your phone is on airplane mode? Today.
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Two comedians I know worked together recently. They’re both messaging me right now saying the other one sucks
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I’m 5’11 but on dating apps I lie and I say I’m single
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Another success story from Ice T.
For the record: I don’t call Women Bitches .... I call Bitches, Bitches.
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If comedy is about working your way up the ladder, I’ve just discovered there’s a ladder.
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Getting 10 likes on a tweet or as I call it the big leagues
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Pubs in Ireland were meant to reopen August 10th but the government just announced they were postponing it and remaining cautious. We had 45 new cases today nationwide. Anyway, best of luck America.
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My favorite comment card I ever got from an audience member at a comedy show was “Great Pizza.”
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I promoted a go fund me a while back for a baby in Ireland that needed a very rare surgery. Just learned that the child cannot be operated on and the parents are donating the 2 million to another child’s surgery. Incredible display of generosity in a heartbreaking situation.
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How about we just stop trying to tell comedians what they can and can’t say on stage? I’d rather see someone bomb being adventurous than watch someone get applause by playing it safe and pandering.
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Judge: You are charged with 27 counts of murder in the first degree, how do you plead?
Kevin Spacey: Gay your honor
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@ginnyhogan_
I mean it seems obvious to me you were saying “this guy looks creepy” and not “women should be able to identify threats based on appearance alone.” The latter would be wild.
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Cancellations due to coronavirus cost me about $4000 today which would probably be a big deal to some people but not me. I’m successful as fuck and killing it.
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There should be a holiday for people who served in restaurants.
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Shouldn’t have done all Asian characters on my SNL audition.
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Me trying to stop someone from picking up the bill at a restaurant
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Twitter is so patronizing. All I have to do is look at the difference between the “trending” and “trending for you” sections.
Trending: Capitol Police, Edward Snowden, House Republicans.
Trending for you: “MMA, Philadelphia Eagles, guy falls into a trash can.”
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Asked the crowd last night if anyone had been arrested before. Two highlights. 1, A lady said no but she arrested America’s first female serial killer and 2, After the show a guy came up to me and said “I didn’t wanna bring this up but I’m the biggest counterfeiter in US history”
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I was on the phone with a friend in Ireland and I said “It’s the 4th of July over here” to which he replied “And what day do you think it is over here, ya bollox?”
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Comedy: “You’ve been doing this for over a decade and have performed stand up on TV multiple times? Okay, we will pass around a bucket for you at the end. You might make $50.”
Public Speaking: “This is your first gig? How does $5000 sound?”
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You can't beat a proper Irish breakfast (leftover Chinese food)
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Just got a covid test and I’m negative so it looks like I’ll be spending the holidays with my family 😕
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Dad: “Can you read out this confirmation code for me? I don’t have me glasses.”
Me: “Sure. It’s 927...”
Dad: “Is that all caps?”
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Just said “fuck” on a morning radio show. Thankfully Liam Neeson is taking all of the heat for Irish people right now.
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Open mic comedians are made for this latest challenge coz most of the stages they perform on are made out of milk crates
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Why bother trying to craft the perfect joke on Twitter when you can go viral by asking a question like “Y’all fuck with cotton socks?”
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Why waste money going to college when you can put whatever letters you want after your name on Twitter.
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A former heavyweight boxing champ and a comedian are doing a great service to Ukraine right now in the face of adversity so can we stop pretending that being a career politician matters a single fuck
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Me: “Chris Cornell was the most talented guy to come of that whole Seattle grunge scene.”
Friend: “What are you basing that on?”
Me: “A coworker I barely knew said it in passing 9 years ago, so it’s my opinion for life now.”
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I don’t think my girlfriend likes my gambling coz she’ll say subtle things like “please stop gambling” and “we needed that money for rent”
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Hoping 2020 is the year I finally reach my financial goal in comedy of earning six fingers. Or tenders, whatever you want to call them.
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Can someone just tell me how The Irishman ends? I can’t afford to take a week off work.
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One time a bar wanted me to come in and do 3 different interviews before hiring me. I don’t want to do 3 interviews for a place that’s going to fire me in 6 weeks for stealing.
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Getting close to 5000 followers on twitter! I think I’ll just let it happen organically rather than begging for them like a fucking loser.
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I’m performing at a venue tonight where the only two rules are “don’t play wagon wheel on the jukebox and no vaping”
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Blenders do not blend into the background at all. They should change the name to kitchen chainsaw.
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Just saw a lady get 31.2k favorites on a tweet where she announced shes officially a paramedic, which means she got 31k more favorites than any tweet I’ve ever written simply by saying she has a new job.
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My girlfriend was in the bathroom while I was pissing and she was shocked to see me using my stream to clean spots off the toilet bowl like a pressure washer. I didn’t know that ye didn’t know that we do that.
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You know you’re getting older when your age keeps increasing
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If I was Elon Musk I’d do a season of Shark Tank and invest in every product pitched just to flex on the other sharks
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Real estate agents must take the best dick pics because they’re great at making shit look way bigger than it actually is.
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Getting on a flight yesterday the lady told me the overheads were full. She puts a sticker around the handle of my carry on and tells me to drop it off right before boarding. Instead I ripped the sticker off and put my bag in the overhead. Moral of the story is you can do that
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Singing Pearl Jam songs at karaoke bars is a fun way to find out what the lyrics are.
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I love when hotels don't give me my own bathroom but the room has a sink like I'm not gonna piss in that sink
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Comedy is cool coz you’ll meet a guy who’s all about “free speech” but then he’ll charge you $5 to do his open mic
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I just worked for 2 comedy club bookers in a row paid that me more that we originally agreed upon so I’m probably gonna die soon.
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The most satisfying moment I ever had in the service industry was when a lady ordered a drink and after I made it her boyfriend said “she doesn’t want that anymore, but seeing as it’s already made I’ll give you half price for it” so I threw it down the drain in front of them.
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Just cut my finger on a block of cheese. It was sharp cheddar.
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I quit drinking and smoking cigarettes in the same day. To help with quitting I like to distract myself with little things like chewing gum and punching my bedroom wall.
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Not really a gym guy. The last thing I exercised was my right to an attorney.
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Olympic boxing judging is a farce. Absolute robbery. Daina Moorehouse is a warrior. They need to get rid of boxing if they’re not gonna judge it right
#Olympics
#Paris2024
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I’m not sure moving to LA was the right choice. These 10am starts for football are brutal.
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Three counties in Ireland (Offaly, Laois and Kildare) are on lockdown but we are still accepting flights from the US? Insane! Everyone knows we should have banned visitors from America 5 days ago right after my flight got in.
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90% of watching a TV show is pausing it and googling the actor on screen to see what other show you know them from
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After Will Smith yelled “Keep my wife’s name out your fucking mouth” Chris Rock said “I’m going to” then followed it up with “ok I could go…ok” and now I really want to know the joke he was about to make
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Just ate at an Irish "restaurant" that had an item on the menu called "Celtic Nachos". Now you're just making shit up.
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After a show this guy came up to me and showed me a tattoo on his arm that said “Irish Pride” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that in Ireland that’s a loaf of bread.
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Four months ago I decided to build bathroom shelves which is another way of saying I’ve had planks of wood propped up against my bathroom wall for four months now
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I just convinced a coworker that the reason mothers day is in February in Ireland and not May is because of the time difference.
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Audience member:
*Tells me a story after a comedy show*
“You can use that in your skit.”
Me:
*In utter shock*
“Actually..I think I will.”
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Whenever my dad travels and I ask him how the trip was he just quotes me alcohol prices.
“How was Paris? €9 a pint, that’s how it was.”
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I always thought work uniforms were dumb and pointless but something about seeing the male flight attendant on this plane wearing jeans is very unsettling to me.
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Hosts never need to say “Folks, silence your cell phones” for my gigs because I exclusively perform in towns with zero reception.
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Just spent so long on the toilet scrolling through social media that I couldn’t remember if I’d taken a shit or not
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The app on my phone that plays songs of a tempo that correlate with how fast I'm jogging just played creep by Radiohead.
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I have declined a free trial for YouTube Premium no less than 8,000 times.
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Facebook keeps telling me to register to vote for the US presidential election. Hey Zuckerberg, with all that data of mine you've collected you'd think you would have figured out that I'm not a citizen
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If we’re keeping politics out of sports religion has to go too. New Orleans Saints? Not on my watch. New Jersey Devils? Get the fuck outta here. And lemme tell ya, the Cardinals are walking a fine line too!
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