Sam Whyte
@SamWhyte
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Writer. Liability. Delight. Sexual swear words are those of my employers. she/her
Joined February 2009
"Nothing beats in-person interaction". Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
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Whoever's responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
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One time my dad's girlfriend tried to get him to see a hypnotist to quit smoking but he said he knew of a guy who recovered a memory under hypnosis and couldn't stop screaming. It took my sister to point out that he didn't, that was something that happened on The Simpsons.
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"mental illness used to be the ups and downs of life". No, mental illness used to be your mum taking to her bed for 20 years with what was euphemistically called "nerves".
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That's because children see their peers falling over much more often.
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When you leave the Colin Caterpillar cake in the cupboard too long.
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People snarkily asking why the homeless have mobile phones; it's because phones are really useful and they cost much less than a house.
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No need for that, he can just resign.
Rishi Sunak says he is not opposed to assisted dying
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Amazing that a load of alleged farmers went on their first protest and unwittingly exposed the fact they are mostly feudal Lords and have been since 1123.
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One of those little girls you claim to be doing this for was an immigrant.
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Remember Lorraine Kelly saying that her column in The Sun was the hardest thing she did and Sean Lock replying "what, morally?".
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Fucking hell. Can barely type this out. Don't know if anyone on here knew him, but my dad passed away this morning. He was found by a water bailiff sitting peacefully in his fishing chair with a rod cast and the Test match on the radio. Heartbroken but all I could wish for him.
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"So British houses actively hold this heat in?"."Yeah" ."So they stay warm in winter?" ."Oh God, no".
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What I'm hearing is being fat and woke will eventually lead to world peace.
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If we must have supermarket loyalty apps it would be handy if 5g worked inside supermarkets.
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If you gave me £600 disposable income a week you would never hear a peep out of me ever again.
"You are absolutely right, that is not very much.". This caller manages to convince ＠RachelSJohnson that £100k doesn't go very far, as he tells her he and his wife are left with approximately £600 a week after taxes and bills.
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Confirmation that Carsley selected the side against Greece for a laugh, which I strongly support.
FA reveal Tuchel signed England contract on October 8.
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‘I see cocaine in wild shrimp in Suffolk’: meet the scientist who analyses our wastewater
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Mikel Arteta hiring a team of stand-up comedians to roast Declan Rice as he goes about his daily life to demonstrate the importance of not being provoked.
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Nothing about mini eggs should work; the shell is too sweet, the texture's weird, the ratios are all off - and yet they are like crack to me.
Mini Eggs should be available all-year round, anyone who says otherwise hates their taste buds and hates Britain
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Fair's fair, I'd be prepared to ignore Rishi Sunak's wife's income the moment the govt starts to ignore the spousal income of Universal Credit claimants.
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mmhmm
Antidepressants turned me into a raging alcoholic and I'm not alone: The little-known side-effect that ruins lives revealed by experts - plus who is most likely to suffer and what to do about it
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"we didn't have PTSD in my day". No, you had a jittery maths teacher with a foul temper who dived under a table when a door slammed.
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I loathe every bone in Lee Anderson's parochial, racist body, so it pains me to say his cheese on toast looks immaculate. Mixed blessings.
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Genuinely makes me sad to think of Ed Davey leaping out of bed before realising he's been reelected and wont be going Go Karting today.
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"in my day we just got on with things". OK, I have news about that uncle who mysteriously disappeared one day and was only spoken about in hushed tones because he was in an institution full of chlorpromazine.
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My friend thought her 7 year old might be the right age for Shaun of the Dead. Nick Frost said "cunt" within 58 seconds.
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OK, turns out I can't make the Mail take my tweets down from their website . However I *can* change my twitter name so that embedded tweets look like this .
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A day he'll never forget.
ON THIS DAY 1995: Wimbledon parade an elephant around the ground before kick off
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Whilst we're being brutally honest. Maradona is five foot fucking five. Even with arm outstretched you should've made that save.
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Just browsing Andrew Neil's wikipedia page and . holy shit. I was very unaware of this.
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Reform is a party by and for men born in 1967 who believe they were personally gassed at the Somme.
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The grim Elliot Page discourse does nothing to dissuade me from believing a huge amount of transphobia stems from cis men who think the world owes them their perfect wank.
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If I ever go missing in mysterious circumstances I want you to do everything the facebook groups tells you to do.
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Community note: Ben White will not watch the Euros.
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However badly your day's going my friend's 9 year old just came home with a trumpet.
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My mother saved for years to go to Corfu she didn't get charitable status for going.
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Asking a single mum to prove they've paid their childcare before UC will give her the money to pay it even though she's uploaded an invoice. Kafkaesque nightmare.
This is absolutely ridiculous!! I had a full on panic cry at my desk!! Couldn’t stop crying, had to go outside 🤦🏻♀️
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". a lovely day out was marred when my toddler went to pet a goat and scorched all the flesh off her right hand. Cafe lovely. Clean toilets"
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Can't even call your employers biggest client a child sex offender without people getting upset.
Speaking yesterday on the panel of the Tufton St love-in IEA/TaxPayers Alliance event at the Tory party conference Graham Linehan admits he has just been dropped by his TV agent after calling David Tennant a "groomer".
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This is a spectacular thing for Chris Wilder to have been annoyed by
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Pretty bold invoking Jimmy Saville when you've referred to the investigation of historic child abuse as "spaffing money up the wall".
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Running the 1500m with your fanny poking out like hamster stuck in a napkin ring.
BREAKING: Here's your first look at the new @Nike kits that will be worn by the U.S. track and field team at the 2024 Olympics in Paris.
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Heard someone complaining Calpol has a higher concentration of sugar than a can of Coke. Mate, if you're giving your kid 330ml of liquid paracetamol that is the least of your worries.
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Universal Credit stops women leaving abusive relationships. You did that.
For the safety of women and girls, the confusion around definitions of sex and gender cannot be allowed to continue.
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"Right in the 86th minute".
Can always find time for Arsenal. And what a result, right in the 86th minute!
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Am I having a stroke?
The rise of Britishcore: 100 experiences that define and unite modern Britons
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"H" calling himself "H" is some spectacular foresight.
Claire Richards, Lee Latchford-Evans, Faye Tozer, Lisa Scott-Lee and Ian 'H' Watkins of pop band Steps pose for a studio group portrait session in 1998 in London (1998)
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This is the worst thing that's ever happened to Christian Erikssen on a football field.
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Men will claim to personally know Homer Simpson rather than go to therapy.
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Yeah, but I can go outside whenever I want.
I am up to 1,000 squats per day. 750 push-ups. 20km walks. I've had thousands of correspondences via letters to the outside world. My Tiger claw technique, unmatched. My daily readings of The Quran continue to bless me.
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Unilad shared a video of a hedgehog giving birth and they have censored its fanny.
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Wait until the "steak bake must contain steak" brigade find out about spotted dick.
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"What flavour you having?"."I don't know. Orange?"."No can do, it's either Lewis Hamilton or Assault"
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Genuinely once met a guy who went for hypnosis to give up smoking and the first thing the hypnotist said was "right, I assume it's weight loss?".
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A floridly gay lad I know went to an NFL game on holiday in America and said it was the best sport he'd ever watched. All exploding confetti and dancing cheerleaders: "it was like Rugby: The Musical".
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Shamima Begum's baby son died while she was being used as a political football. Just wanted to remind everyone popping open the Champagne.
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Been buying ale for everyone in his tutor group since he was 10.
"You've got school in the morning!" 😂. 16-year old Luke Littler "over the moon" with his dominant win on his World Darts Championship debut 🤩
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The fact JK regards the appointment of a lifelong Sutton fan to manager of a regional women's team as a "plum job" betrays here level of understanding. She doesn't know shit about women's sport, she's an idiot. Solidarity to Lucy.
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Obviously MI6 is very secret, so please don't draw attention to us, yeah? . Architects: No problem
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Matt Le Tissier with the most tragic narrative arc to come out of Southampton since the Titanic.
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To be clear, he hadn't misremembered this - he was lying because he didn't want to quit smoking.
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Please don't share emaciated pictures of someone who's died from anorexia.
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Incredible seeing Lloyd-Webber on the news claiming, "I farm just under 5,000 acres myself," - no, you don't, dickhead. You're landed gentry. Insofar as you do anything at all, it is "writing ditties".
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Sorry to bring him up, but I implore you to check what this is a reply to.
@hannahmsays Ah yes teach them misogyny as young as possible.
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"The presence of Ken Livingstone was starting to create a bunker mentality in the Labour Party". "You know who else had a bunker . ". "Not now, Ken.
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i wrote to Lucy Powell when she was my MP to highlight the fact housing benefit changes would mean if I lost my job I would end up homeless, which eventually happened. She sent me a photocopied reply from Lord Freud saying housing benefit was never meant to cover everyone.
We're turning the tables to put ordinary people at the front of the queue. My op ed for @MirrorPolitics today 👇🏻
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Funniest part is that, deep down, they all loathe Clarkson for being "new money".
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Prince Louis.
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So to combat coronavirus we've got cocaine, masturbation, staying in, and hand sanitiser. Literally my four favourite things.
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