Sooz Kempner FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY
@SoozUK
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"Comedian" DOOM in @bbcdoctorwho. Host @mysteryontherox @thequeenpod. Agents: @ryanioscoholmes @gag_reflex @TheJonesesVoice
London
Joined January 2009
HELLO. I am making my @BarrelComedy debut!!! Edinburgh residents, I will be performing my 2024 show, Class of 2000, one more time: February 4th @ 8pm. That's right, one month from today! Excited to finally play this epic venue. L I N K I N N E X T P O S T
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You can't compare Great Britain and New Zealand, it's really unfair, there are so many variables that are completely different. For example, their leader is very good and listened to science whereas ours is properly shit and listened to Steve Bannon and Dominic Cummings.
This is New Zealand. No masks, no lockdowns, no new cases — with PM Jacinda Ardern at a huge outdoor BBQ on a national holiday. What leadership looks like. 🇳🇿
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The average British house price in 1991 was £56,000 and in 2021 it's £268,000, a rate of inflation of almost 500%. A You've Been Framed clip in 1991 paid £250 and in 2021? £250. A rate of inflation of 0%. No wonder young people can't get on the property ladder. Disgusting.
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JK Rowling doesn't understand Lolita. It is not a great and tragic love story, it is terrifying book written from the POV of a peadophile, a very obviously unreliable narrator, and at no point are you meant to say "this is so romantic". She's 12, Joanne. What the FUCK, Joanne.
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"TERF is the new punk". Yeah. Nothing says "punk" like agreeing with the government.
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Wayne Rooney and Jamie Vardy seeing each other in the courtroom.
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I reckon there are a lot of Britons who have learned more about the British slave trade since Edward Colston’s statue got chucked in the Avon than they did at school.
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I reckon the reason transphobes hate Elliott Page SO MUCH is coz he transitioned in his 30s having known he wasn't a girl since he was tiny. He did EVERYTHING they say they want (waiting til adulthood to transition) so it means they just have to admit "but I think it's icky!".
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Seriously though, they picked the PERFECT shade of blue in the briefing room, cheers lads!
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If you're new here and didn't know this already have this fact to brighten your day. This is my cat Boris when he played Jones in Aliens. He was picked because he would hiss on camera because he was not a nice guy.
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Matt Hancock being totally normal with a woman.
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THREAD: This is a thread about Reply Guys. I like it when tweets go viral coz I'm a big show-off and Twitter is responsible for most of my career. When you go viral you get new followers, fun replies, sometimes even industry interest omg. But you also get: Reply Guys.
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Hillbilly Elegy looks like a gag in 30 Rock where Jenna is playing both roles in an attempt to win two Oscars for the same movie.
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There is absolutely zero need for private jets to exist.
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“We won!” cried a tiny minority of people with zero skin in the game, giggling with delight that they’ve ruined some children’s lives.
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Ooooo it's 10 years today since Gordon Brown called that bigoted woman "that bigoted woman" and if you look at our current government and wonder "how did that happen?" it happened when Brown was made a pariah for calling a bigot a bigot.
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People who say "there wasn't all this debate about trans people five years ago" are SO CLOSE to understanding what "moral panic" means. SO SO close!.
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Five years on it's still just. milkshakes today.
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People: “HOW CAN A TEENAGER KNOW THEY ARE TRANS LET KIDS BE KIDS OMG”.Also people: “My newborn baby supports Tottenham”.
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On BBC News they're currently interviewing a couple who run a pub and want Brexit done. One just said "when you're facing diversity people pull together" which is a Freudian slip so huge I fully fell over even though I'm currently sitting down.
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Tweeted that JK R0wling's kids were probably worried about her obsession with trans women and her stans are calling me a paedo for mentioning her kids. Joanne's kids are all adults. One of them is soon to turn 30.
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Travel to and from work on the bus? Congrats, you have to find another £40 a month. In an ongoing cost of living crisis. Hooray!.
The nation-wide £2 bus fare cap will go up to £3, Sir Keir Starmer has confirmed
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The Sun makes very little money from physical sales. It makes money from clicks on the site and if they’re outrage clicks it makes no difference to them. So never share on a Sun article and if you see a terrible headline don’t click on it.
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I just remembered the most incredible four tweet story of all time.
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Matt Hancock is getting the party poppers out and having a big ol' celebraysh for "only 36" deaths from COVID-19 in this country yesterday. New Zealand had 22 deaths in total. Not yesterday, not this month - in TOTAL.
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Nadine Dorries BBC Breakfast interview in full.
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I had a bad reaction to the meningitis B jab back in 1999. Got pretty ill during The Sixth Sense and didn’t get the twist ending at all. My friends had to help me get home. I was ill for 3 days. Tell you what it was fucking better than: meningitis.
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Hi in American films and TV they often reference "the tri-state area" and, honestly, I don't know what that is and I'm never going to bother to look it up I don't care.
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@GretaThunberg I thought I'd never see a greater tweet than "me and my friends would have killed ET with hammers" and yet here we are.
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12 years ago I was in Ayia Napa being a Christina Aguilera tribute act for a company that turned out to be a money laundering operation for the Cypriot mafia. Anyway, one day I couldn't afford to eat and I just ate a full jar of Nutella I'd bought the week before.
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There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that says "FUCK YOU" to Brexit more than a terrorist being taken down by a Polish man brandishing a Narwhal tusk. There's your second referendum right there. REMAIN!.
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"Omg he's cancelling the Rwanda plan!😍😍😍". He was always going to do that, he's said so for months, he said it was because it was "an expensive gimmick". Love to hear a human rights lawyer cancel something for being too pricy rather than: insanely cruel.
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When we moved out after a year we lost our deposit. Because the washing machine door was broken. We said "BUT WE FIXED IT!" and they said "you should have waited for us to fix it". Landlords are scummy little leeches with no skills. 2/2.
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An air fryer was on offer so I went for it and HOLY SHIT I put some new potatoes in it for 15 minutes, sprinkled on some olive oil and salt and THIS IS WHAT THEY'RE CHARGING US £6 FOR IN POSH PUBS I cracked the code.
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I just gave a homeless man on a train a tenner and a very Lloyd man said “he does that every night” so I said “ok, I hope I made his life slightly easier tonight” and he went “he’s not homeless, he’s a professional beggar!” and I went “oh right well we’ve got people in.
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I just need to say: I don’t care. I don’t care about the parents in this story.
🚨 NEW: Eton College says it will pass the entire 20% VAT on fees to parents when Labour introduces it in January. Parents will now have to pay an annual payment of £63,000, up from £53,000. [@thetimes].
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I had a bf who was great at DIY. We moved in to a flat in London in 2009 and the washing machine door was broken. We told the landlord and they went "ok we'll fix". Two weeks later? Nothing. So bf fixed himself bish bash bosh and let them know it was done. They said thanks. 1/2.
"Part of your job, if you want to call it a job, is to provide them with a cooker, you can't start complaining about it!". ＠mrjamesob speaks to caller Salma, a landlord, who believes she 'already pays enough' in taxes due to the costs of maintaining the flat she rents out.
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You shouldn't be ok with this.
🚨 BREAKING: Keir Starmer says that trans women should be banned from women-only spaces. Asked if trans women (even those with GRCs) have the right to use women's spaces, Starmer said: "No. They don’t have that right. They shouldn’t". (Via The Times)
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Just read Terry Pratchett instead. He didn’t hate any minorities or even SECRETLY hate any minorities and dress it up as “reasonable concerns”. He was funny too. And his writing holds up real well.
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The PM Rishi Sunak reassures us all that everything is fine, actually.
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🚨🚨BREAKING 🚨🚨Nadine Dorries is now the Minister for Digital, Media, Culture, Sport, Health and Money.
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Schofield and Willoughby jumped the queue? Oh man, that sucks. This is worse than the time they interviewed Corbyn and Johnson during the 2019 election and painted one as a communist who is also a nazi and the other as a cheeky boi who took a giggly selfie hehehe.
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Teen in a pickup ran a red and hit me head-on, destroying my car and fucking up my neck in 2016. He was 100% at fault, I got my settlement and replaced my car. 5 years ago today I was informed legal proceedings were taking place coz “the 3rd party is denying all involvement”.
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A word from Nadine Dorries, Minister for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport as she takes us somewhere special.
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I read Lolita for the first time when I was 16 after our English Literature teacher told us about the concept of the unreliable narrator and how Lolita was a great example of it. If I, an idiot, could get my head round that at 16, a best-selling author probably should too.
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It’s really fucking obvious. It’s so kids don’t think “those are the poor kids and those are the rich kids”. It makes perfect sense, it’s not very expensive and STOP MAKING REACTIONARIES FAMOUS!.
"Why would you want to spend the money giving wealthy children free breakfast?". Headteacher Katharine Birbalsingh asks what is Labour's thinking around free school meals and whether the policies have been thought through. #Newsnight
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There's this myth that McDonalds is the very worst food you can eat, far worse than any other food and it's actually not much worse than something like Subway or indeed M&S sandwiches. It's just processed food like fucking everything we eat. Supersize Me was a scam.
McDonalds is not an insane expensive luxury, folks, it's cheap, calorie-dense food that keeps you full for ages.
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If L@vrence F0x runs for London Mayor do yourselves a favour and say absolutely nothing about it. Don't tweet about it, don't quote tweet him or his supporters, don't screenshot his ramblings and share them with "tHis iS bAd". Starve the campaign of publicity and watch it perish.
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Liz Truss is gonna be the first PM who is removed from office with an offstage shepherd’s crook during party conference.
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EXCLUSIVE: Nadine Dorries Conservative Party leadership campaign video.
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If you're cry-arsing about orange cornflower on Stonehenge you're just gonna have to face the fact you'd be disgusted with the suffragettes. You won't like this. But it's true.
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I got on the tube last night with a huge crowd of fans and two Italian girls wrapped in their flags were there and they received a VERY British round of applause and a guy quipped that he wouldn't be eating pasta anymore. It doesn't make good copy but most people aren't awful.
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I first saw a Viennetta round Karen Waddington's house when I was 7. I thought it was the poshest thing I'd EVER seen. My feelings have not changed. They are so beautiful, so elegant, an example of what the human race can achieve when it is dedicated to goodness, not hate.
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Emma Watson is trending because she isn't transphobic and that really winds up the Joanne cult. That's the reason she's trending. "She's SILENT on Ezra Miller!" Right, well, so is Joanne who tweets ALL THE TIME and Miller was actually IN her movies.
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"She blocked me just coz I disagree with her". m8 I blocked you coz I clicked on your profile and your banner is a swastika.
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THREAD: Eastenders is having its biggest week of the year and a lot of people are going to be at their family home and therefore watching it for the only time in 2019. This thread is to help you catch up on the goings on of Albert Square in preparation of the big day.
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A reminder that sales of The S*n under lockdown are WAY DOWN and Murdoch's really really hoping that you share their abhorrent piece today from their website. Any clicks on it make The S*n money. It doesn't matter if they're rage clicks, it still makes them money.
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@dylanviner Oh no how depressing a kid might want to play at being super-creative and great with communication quick give them a fake gun instead.
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The reporting from Amsterdam is insanity. We've lost our fucking minds.
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Imame Khelif didn't go through "male puberty" as is being claimed by weirdos on here BUT if female athletes going through male puberty irks you so much you'll be pleased to know there are these things called puberty blockers. .
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Nobody: .Local Indian takeaway: "HERE IS A SMALL BAG OF HOT SALAD".
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I see we're doing the "a slice of absolutely shite bread costs 2p, a spread of minging butter costs 1p, there you are, a nutritious meal" discourse again like a) it's dinner fit for anyone and b) you can head to Tesco and go "one slice of bread and one smear of butter please!".
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I finally watched the Sam Smith video and was like "that's. it?!". Freddie Mercury, Brian May, Roger Taylor and John Deacon were in full joyful drag in the I Want To Break Free video almost 40 years ago. In the middle Freddie is writhing with ballet dancers. Ya bunch of prudes.
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🧵THE WORST FASHIONS OF THE Y2K ERA. BRAS WITH CLEAR STRAPS: Whoa it looks like you aren’t even WEARING a bra! Ultimate goal when wearing strappy tops (ONE SET OF STRAPS ONLY AT ALL TIMES IN Y2K) Invisible straps don’t catch the light like a MIRROR at all PS enjoy your sweat rash
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J0hnny D*pp now looks like a British TERF who gets invited on to Newsnight "for balance".
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Huw Edwards gets a suspended sentence. Good job he hadn't done anything as bad as planning an environmental protest over Zoom.
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Has Tony Blair, instead of saying this, considered just writing it down on a Post-It note, folding it up real tiny and then just sloooooowly pushing it right up his urethra?.
🚨 NEW: Tony Blair says the government should avoid any vulnerability on “wokeism”. [@thetimes].
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People pulling down the statue of a slave trader and throwing it in the river after 40 years of peaceful requests for its removal were ignored = THUGGERY!. The Bullingdon Club trashing restaurants and burning £50 notes in front of the homeless = JAPES LOL.
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It isn’t though. If it was even regular left I’d vote for it.
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“Remember how we used to tax the rich and corporations a bit more? We can do that again” - me being a far-left extremist.
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If you see this tweet by former-swimmer Sharron Davies please be aware that there are 176k cis women involved in this country's football association and 50 trans women (trans identifying males is a transphobic buzzphrase). That means 0.02% of women involved are trans women.
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I don't get it. they got EVERYTHING they wanted. The statues they jizz it up over are safely locked in fridges. The BLM protest got called off today. There's NO delay on Brexit. What are the Engerland Football Lads raging about today?.
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For the same as I paid for a private test that I won't have the results for until Tuesday at the earliest I could fly to Germany tomorrow morning, get tested at the airport, have a result within 30 minutes and fly home after lunch.
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The middle-aged man who assaulted me the day after my 16th birthday told the police that I wasn't even hot, that his wife was way hotter, so he wouldn't have gone for me anyway. Trump used the same defence. To see it get completely dismissed is beyond cathartic.
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Sure, sex is good but have you ever been behind a prick being rude in a coffee shop and when it’s time to make your order you start with a shitty little quip about the prick and the staff find it really funny?
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Princess of Wales
gonna need the Succession theme over that Kate video by EOP.
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I don't think it's very feminist to refer to a woman as "he" just because she's strong.
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@JohnCleese Coz the BBC sold the license for the show to Netflix. I don't work for the BBC but it's pretty easy to find out, John.
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Oh and they charged us for cleaning the flat when we moved out even though we paid a cleaning fee when we moved in and the flat was so filthy we had to clean it when we arrived, and we cleaned it real nicely when we left. Landlords suck shit.
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Oh cool, the BBC has put Nigel Farage on to talk about all the times HE'S been assassinated by milkshakes and survived. Keep doing this, everyone, great to hear from him, as ever, endlessly for 15 years.
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My favourite Christmas gift? Finding out that Matt Hancock's book has sold 3000 copies.
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Considering the way you cunts pronounce “buoy” that’s fucking rich that is.
just heard a british guy say "vitamins." have you heard this? not a serious people.
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Amazing. Both main parties are now desperate for the votes of about 4000 weird people on this website. This died on its arse for the conservatives in Australia at their election.
Biological sex matters. We’re protecting women and girls.
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People who spent the whole of lockdown insisting they were prisoners in turmoil and that society was collapsing coz they couldn't go to the pub and had to just watch Netflix are now scoffing at the idea of people wanting to flee Afghanistan.
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Men who willingly wore bootcut jeans with pointed leather shoes in 2003 now upset at the prospect of wearing a mask in shops.
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MPs are already putting letters in about Liz Truss. I said she'd be gone by Christmas and at this rate she won't see Halloween.
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Women's rights are LITERALLY being removed in America and Jowling Kowling R0wling has had absolutely nothing to say. Zero.
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Flag Twitter so frequently uses "oh who would you rather have, Diane Abbott?!" when one of the front bench fucks up and to all of them I say: yes, yes I would rather have Diane Abbott. Yes. Thank you for asking.
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@nadinebh_ The documentary series is incredible. The only comeback people who hate Meghan have is "she is lying she didn't feel like that" and their proof will be: vibes. The vibes I get are that they both seem like nice, thoughtful people who love each other very much.
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Nadine Dorries appears before the Commons' digital, culture, media and sport committee earlier today.
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Westminster taking a lot more than a tenner on a train and being a lot more dishonest than him” and he went “I’M A WAR PENSIONER!!!” so I said “and I’m proud to pay your pension with my tax, I’m also cool with giving that guy 10 quid, I can see that makes you very angry” and.
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he has been shaking his head and jabbing at his phone screen for the past 5 minutes. This isn’t a brag, I’m now proud to have made this legend furious.
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My favourite thing people who went to private school say (and no judgement if you did, you can’t help where you were sent to school) is “my parents worked hard and made sacrifices” like my parents were just lazy and selfish and that’s why I was at the local comp hahaha.
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Someone my mum knows is proper Brexit and mum said the roads are an absolute state these days and the person said it was “because of foreign lorries” and I think about it once every 8 minutes.
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