oneeyedalpaca
@OneEyedAlpaca
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°forklift certified° °thinks you're pretty neat° °father of four girls with E names°
pnw
Joined June 2011
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Pinned Tweet
things i will not judge you for:
- your past sins
- your sexuality/gender
- your religion
things i will judge you for:
- your shitty taste in music
- your wardrobe
- your tweets
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you may not like it, but this is peak masculinity
This is the archetype that holds civilization together
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marriage is a neverending sleepover with your favorite weirdo
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[wife]: sobbing in the corner
[me, barely containg my rage, as i rip through her go bag]: "a thousand dollars?? that'll barely get you and the kids out of the state!"
*opens wallet and adds another thousand*
"looks like your passport is about to expire, get it renewed asap!"
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wife was retelling a conversation she had with a coworker who regularly slept with 4-6 woman every week
wife: how do you find all of them?
coworker: i can spot them from a mile away, daddy issues! all it takes is for someone to say 'i love you'
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"not my monkeys, not my circus" i whisper as i dump a pint of bacon grease down the kitchen sink of this airbnb
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someone in management is shadowing me today
he says "i have a hard stop at 10:30 for an important meeting" okay, no problem
i see him later at this "meeting"
dear reader, he's having lunch with his brother 🥲
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@thechosenberg
important to have a variety of fruit/veg
if you give them strawberries all the time, it doesn't achieve the goal
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"these energy bars have oats in them, you KNOW that E1 is allergic, what the hell!"
"there's is not nearly enough water purification tablets in here. i thought you were smarter than that!"
"this bag is not big enough, here use my gym bag i swear, it's like you weren't thinking"
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@SWENGDAD
i understand the reaction, yet this is a man who is not in control of his emotions and should be jailed
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guys
guys
i told my wife that i felt uncomfortable about something she had done, using WORDS and FEELINGS
then the magic happened, she expressed sorrow and said she won't do it again
MAGIC, I SAY
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@thechosenberg
netflix would literally mail you movies on dvd and you had to return them to get more
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wife is responding to my texts with simply the word "Noted."
if she weren't autistic, it would be so over for me
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whoever named the pulley was a deeply unserious person
imagine if henry ford, upon inventing the automobile, had called it a "drivey"
horrific
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me: hey boss, can we stop buying these cheap [components], they break almost daily
boss: purchasing won't let me, because we go through then so much
me: ...
boss: yeah i know
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wife and i have this silly little mini-game going on, ever since we were dating
one of us would hide this little jade rabbit somewhere where the other would find it, sometimes days later (coat pocket, a cooking pan, etc.) then it would be hidden again
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shit tests are stupid and anyone giving one to their partner sucks
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my dream is to run a duck farm, and have a quaint store that sells duck eggs and donuts fried in duck fat
now accepting name suggestions for the farm/store
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i was pleasantly surprised to see the new direction they took in dune2
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you are in your thirteen poly relationship
i just celebrated my 19th wedding anniversary to the only woman i've slept with
we are very much not the same
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tales of having an autistic wife, part 1742
she stayed up late reading... the uline catalogue
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i came to realize that one big reason why my marriage is so strong is that we are constantly looking for ways to make each other's life easier
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she let me hit because earlier i used my Dad Voice on the kids to ensure they behaved
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@dissproportion
unless you have tons of carryons, why would anyone want to sit on an airplane longer than they have to
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my workplace is celebrating earth day by bringing in... bagels
... because they're round, and the earth is round too
i am not making this up
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My eigenrobot hot take is that I used to enjoy listening to him and he made me think (though not always agree), but that he’s been visibly unwell for the past couple of years and it is worrying.
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@ham_longshanks
i see you replying in earnest to a joke tweet so i will reply earnestly, as well
the idea behind a secret 'go bag' and/or bank account is that the woman will often not have any warning that the man becomes abusive, and that if it's not a secret, he'll be able to steal it somehow
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@EmpiresPodcast
no, he was below average looking, and had a crap job (kitchen worker at a retirement home)
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the new engineer at work didn't know what a trebuchet is when i told her about the one at vibecamp
she's 23
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intern at pete's office: hey we need a puff piece, but not too over the top
intern at wired: say no more, i gotchu
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thinking about my dad today, we lost him three years ago
will you reply with one (1) thing about your dad?
i'll start
he loved tea, especially iced tea. one day i made him a sampler of a dozen iced teas, he was positively tickled. his favorite was the earl grey
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married men, what was the thing that she did that made you know she was The One?
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what's your favorite thing about women that's not sexual/about looks
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they should invent a booze that goes well with chocolate milk
i would drink so much of that, every day
... maybe they shouldn't invent it
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it begins
i ordered one of these abominations for lunch today, and will be live tweeting about it in ~two hours
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some of you are just poasting the most unhinged things and i just hit that heart button and keep scrolling
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i have mandatory anti-harassment training today
what inappropriate questions should i ask
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ok real talk
there's talk about how expensive kids are and... i haven't seen it yet?
i mean, the biggest expense is an optional one (sending them to a non-public school), and the next one is a small bump in food budget
maybe we're doing something very different, idk
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my mom introduced the girls to my old set of marbleworks, this was the result
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@caesararum
@Jessifris
@NLRG_it
you may want to sit down for this, but there's a real place called "smuggler's inn" and it's a hot bed for ... wait for it... smugglers
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🚨🚨🚨 STOP SCROLLING 🚨🚨🚨
THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION
if your can see this, please reply with one thing you're grateful for
then you may proceed with your day
thank you
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me: *trying to explain the concept of diminishing returns*
my 9yo, holding a bowl of potato chips bigger than her head: "you're wrong, dad"
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texts from the wife, it's been nice knowing you all edition
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a challenge for the partnered MEN:
text your woman "i love you" and post the response
i'll go first
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my zoomer coworker was telling me about his new personal project, a 3.6 gallon fish tank
he's got specialized plamts, fancy rocks, a brand name pump and filter, totalling over $600
oh and the fish? one tiny little dude he bought for $5
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me and the girl i landed by being trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent
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@GarrettPetersen
- write an email
- hold a normal conversation with a peer of the opposite gender
- address an envelope
- understand a utility bill/bank statement
- operate a clothes washer/dryer
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raising my kids with immense privilege (hugging them and telling them i love them on a daily basis
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coworker just told me that he's been married *six* times
bruh...
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multi-tasking is easy!
this morning, i
- brushed my eggs
- cooked the kids over medium
- changed the coffee's diapers
- brewed my teeth
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as a parent, it's my sacred duty to eat the food that the kids don't
today's example is the "disappointing nectarine" whose flavor was described as "as if someone whispered the description of a nectarine to a glass of water"
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everyone say happy birthday to E4
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2018: married
2019: married
2020: married
2021: married
2022: married
2023: married
2024: married
(sorry, i have to flex on the kids)
2018: Single
2019: Single
2020: Single
2021: Single
2022: Single
2023: Single
2024: Single
(It's so over)
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dating history:
- junior prom, she dumped me because i wasn't mormon
- senior prom, now wife of 19+ years
Dating history:
-girl who was definitely more mature than me
-Catholic Twitter girl
-mormon
-3 years of let’s not go there
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annals of having an autistic wife, part 379
she is now an expert on and big promoter of magnesium, after reading several medical papers and watching about a dozen youtube videos of medical experts
i have to hear her extol the benefits of magnesium at least once per day now
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