Not Water Comedy Club
@NotWaterComedy
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X's only purpose built parody comedy club. Home of Phil Swish, Frankie Quorn and the Corpse Chaps Chatting podcast.
Joined June 2023
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@WhatYazSaid
She will never rip us a new one. We've only got old ones. We've had the same small group of lads in our lineups for the last 10 years!
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I've noticed we have new followers. And a few of them are women. While we are of course happy to take your money, please do NOT get any ideas about appearing on our stages.
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We love to roast each other but when it's someone outside our clique doing the roasting then we have a tantrum and a little cry 😭😭😭
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What is a podcast if not two Middle aged blokes acting like they've still got a sex life?
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Come on guys, if we actually locked up every celebrity who has done a bit of nonce work then an we'd be left with is a bunch of unfunny women. And no one wants to see that. Disgusting!
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The liver birds are the only birds allowed in this club. And even then it's only on Sundays when Frankie Quorn isn't working.
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We started the club in 2010 after seeing the rescue of the trapped Chilean miners and thought to ourselves, "You know what those guys need? To be called a nonce by a scouser."
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We actually get more women than men apply for our spots. Good lord the semi I get when I delete their emails.
I've been messaged a few times by comedy promoters about how my panel shows guests are 50% women and my answer is that 50% of the comedians who apply are women. I don't know what other advice to give.
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Acts may wonder why we don't book them. It's cos you ain't got a purple bin la.
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We once had Dave Chappelle at the club, and we were all really chill about it.
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Many people ask us, "are women funny?" We don't know, we've yet to book one.
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The fact we have posted 2 videos of women on our stages in the last 24 hours is completely normal behaviour. We are NOT desperately trying to put out a growing fire.
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@RobThomasComedy
We will be cancelling those shows. Not sure how these women keep sneaking in.
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We like to offer newer acts a trial spot on one of our shows. It's a great opportunity... for us to fill 15 minutes and not have to pay a penny for it.
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Ok ok, we've now got a night where it's just women only. You win feminists! When we sell no tickets we will gloat, a lot!
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@whatifbutthen
@frogandbucket
No frogs though. I went there expecting frogs and did they deliver? Did they hell! It should just be called The Bucket. I also like buckets.
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Please subscribe to our YouTube channel where you will see thousands of clips of Phil Swish talking to brick layers and asking them their favourite brick.
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Genuinely amazed at the ability of comedians to take five allegations of rape against Russell Brand and somehow make it all about them.
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Tip for new comedians: if you're trying to achieve internet fame by interviewing people in the street, put a bit of Vicks underneath your nose, it'll keep out the smell of the great unwashed.
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Also today for the first time ever in the world ever: Success achieved despite being morally bankrupt.
Today on twitter: people who’ve never booked a comedy club in their life telling the owners of the most successful comedy club in the country that they don’t know what they’re doing
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Another classic line from Phil Swish "Hiya mate, what's your name" "Steven" "How you doing Stevie?" Hilarious!
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We voted for Boris because he's a proper lad, but we'd never admit it in public because being a middle aged Tory isn't cool for our working class image.
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I do like women. I'm sure they are lovely but I've yet to find one who is funnier than a man. And that includes male comedy magicians.
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@DaveAtherton20
@eshaanakbar
What about the non-sovereign countries? What about the moon? Or Mars? Or worse, Liverpool?
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Taskmaster is back this evening. And yet again our acts have been ignored. Some are doing international tours. And by international we mean that he likes Indian and Chinese food.
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We have never booked Rosie Jones and we never will. Not because of her disability, just because she's a woman.
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Oh no, did I hurt Frankie Quorns delicate ego 🥺
Imagine being so salty that a certain comedy club weren't booking you that you decided to set up the least funny parody account on earth
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We love our Patreon patrons, they paid for gold plated toilet seats in both my upstairs and downstairs bogs. Top lids.
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It's com-he-dian NOT com-she-dian. Remember that.
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Let it be noted that this comedy club welcomes any parody. Unlike other similar clubs who would block such a parody. Yes, it is silly that a comedy club wishes to block comedy.
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The Not Water Comedy Breakthrough Act competition was won by a white bloke. As Cilla would say, "Surprise, Surprise."
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Our new club has bedrooms for visiting comedians, so we can be the scene of the next Louis CK style incident.
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Our current club has two main rooms, one for our regular club nights and another for when we haven't sold enough tickets.
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We love comedy agents, we love their emails, it makes us feel wanted. Oh my god, I'm so alone.
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We are so woke. We are now allowing women to perform at our club. Please give us praise. No they aren't being paid, they've got husbands for that.
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We must keep the quality high at our shows. We only book the finest comedians who have jokes about their dick and think that feminism has been cured.
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I hope he's talking about us!
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@MickFerry
Not expensive enough if you ask me. People turn up to the theatre so drunk they end up in fights. They should come to the club, tickets are cheap enough that you can buy a cheeky bit of beak with your lambrini.
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Apparently I'm just a shit wannabe comedian. So I'm going to replace myself with an AI trained on the jokes of Phil Swish and Frankie Quorn. NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE NONCE
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Can you hear that? It's the sound of so-called comedians not giving a shit what I say.
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We once found out a female "comedian" was doing a spot at a venue down the street so we threw kippers at them to show our displeasure.
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@DeadMenTalkPod
The Corpse Chaps Chatting team wish to withdraw from Dead Meet. They've got other things to do like a 500 piece jigsaw of Deirdre Barlow.
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We are going to the Fringe! That one we slagged off and said we didn't need? Nah mate, wrong guy. Totally different nonce.
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Throwing food at Frankie Quorn is like throwing it in a meat grinder.
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We're launching a new crypto coin called "Nonce", there will be be 14 nonces to the Rolf and 12 Rolfs to the Saville. We just love Crypto!
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We don't like to assume people's gender but we will assume they like luke warm beer.
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@unhappymondays
@LucyABeaumont
@HWCCLiverpool
We will never apologise for our lineups. We will however apologise for the lack of sexy barmaids. It's not easy in Liverpool.
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We can't wait to see our audiences every evening so we can call them all knob heads and imply they interfere with children.
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Later tonight you can find me in your local park sniffing tins of sweetcorn.
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I'm glad we can go back to normal aka posting videos of the same blokes doing comedy in an attempt to bury the whole "women in comedy" thing.
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Last woman on one of our stages? Beryl the cleaner. And no she's not a character act. Not that we encourage that sort of thing.
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We've opened another new venue, it's inside a skip, and you'll still attend because Phil Swish is there.
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This week on Corpse Chaps Chatting: another comedian who was told that this podcast would boost their ticket sales to that hard to reach "Football Sunday league, porn addict, borderline alcoholic proper Northern geezer" audience.
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@adamrowecomedy
He arrested me twice. Both times because I said "This is a stickup!" Well that and I stole 7 of those fake Yankee candles.
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Oh no not another roast by the wicked demon roaster of roast street Frankie Quorn. His roasts are deadly, like lukewarm soup.
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Keep your hands off our world class comedians! Unless you tuck a fiver in their y-fronts and then they're all yours.
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You may be wondering where you can see Frankie Quorn next. He's round the back sucking moisture out of old fan belts.
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We like to see the club as a safe space. All our comedians are safe to call you a nonce.
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If I'm being honest, I'm a bit disappointed with
#Panorama
. I was hoping I could reduce the pay for some of our more "handsy" comics.
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Oh my gosh! You'll never guess who just walked into the club! No seriously you won't even recognise them. But they are this evenings headliner!
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We used to run our nights from a Holiday Inn, because we got to keep all the jizz stained sheets we wanted.
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Oh James Corden we love you so much, please let us be on the car mule car oaky. I'd love to tickle your nose hair.
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I never went to uni and it did me no harm. Look at me, running a fictional comedy club for my 140 followers. Most of whom are porn bots. This is success!
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Some say the humour in the club is too close to the bone. Wait until you see my bone getting close to you.
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The way I see it you have two options. 1. Try to be a funny comedian. 2. Be a classic incel and try to defend a club that doesn't book you.
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We have an act who is non-binary, trans, disabled and Asian, we call them the box ticker. And they get to perform once a year on February 29th in the broom cupboard. And that's us doing our bit for representation. So there!
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All the bricks in the stage background were stolen from the building site for a children's hospital.
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@KarenNI
You would love our comedy club. There's no female comedians at all. Wall to wall wee winkys.
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Edinburgh fringe?!? More like my face in her minge! Lads lads lads!
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You may have noticed that there are no women performing in the club, its because the only women we know charge by the hour and we don't need that long.
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We spilled blood, sweat and tears to make this club but that is the only payment Phil Swish will accept.
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My noonaa can crush a cock yet also play Sweet Child O'Mine on guitar. I'm so talented.
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Comedy is a slippery pole. And do you what's made it slippery? Jizz.
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@DeadMenTalkPod
@kuntandthegang
How can we get involved? The Corpse Chaps Chatting Pod would love to be there.
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We can't wait for Halloween, it allows our comedians to bring back their old jokes from the dead. We love hearing the one about the Japanese man and the can of Pringles.
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@comedysavage
@H0US30FW0LV3S
@Jo_Caulfield
That's not true. We're real to someone. Our mum loves us.
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In the comedy world there is a saying, AFA average for August. As in August many good acts are in Edinburgh so choices are limited. Not here, our quality is consistent because our acts aren't good enough for a free fringe show at 10am on a Tuesday in Leith.
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I won't be returning to This Morning either, then again my decision was made for me by the courts.
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This week on Corpse Chaps Chatting; is my dad bigger than your dad, 101 uses for a garden gnome and omg how cool are monster trucks?!?
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@fitlikeken
@jerry_hogan_
@HannaSinclair
@HWCCLiverpool
@LucyABeaumont
Please do not worry. We put in very little effort. It's very easy to keep booking the same comedians.
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Our new venue will have food trucks serving all the latest delicacies from overpriced chips to overpriced burgers.
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If you wear a birthday badge to one of our gigs, you get charged double, you smug old bastard.
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My driving instructor slows down to look at women. What a legend. I've told him about what is available online but he loves the smell.
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@JackieE34808464
@DaveAtherton20
@Survation
Well everyone I speak to keeps telling me to get out of their garden.
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How to do comedy in the style of Frankie Quorn. 1. Say something wildly strange and/or controversial. 2. Make up some nonsense about how what they said wasn't that bad. 3. Escape this bit by saying something different yet still controversial or strange.
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We once had a homeless man break into the club and eat all of the crisps behind the bar, and that's the origin story of Frankie Quorn.
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Some people are suggesting I could replace most of my acts with a recording of two raccoons riding a Segway.
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Corpse Chaps Chatting are soon to release another episode of the pod. This weeks topics include; would you rather eat a squirrel or put it's nuts up your bum. Has David Attenborough gone too far this time. And, when will we be allowed to show a bit of scrotum at the beach.
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We believe the club can continue growing into the future. Of course, we're not going to be growing into the past because we're not some kind of time travelling gooseberry bush.
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