Mona
@MonaAndChat
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"Autistic people don't face real discrimination!"
Listen, I was involuntarily admitted to the psych ward because I displayed Flat Affect while talking about depression. I'm Autistic. I *always* display Flat Affect, not just when upset. But a doctor made the call to strip me 1/2
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of my rights just because I don't visibly emote in the same way allistics do. 2/2
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"Love bombing" is a pattern of abuse wherein the abuser is cruel to the abused, and then goes through periods of kindness and showering the abused with affection in order to confuse and entrap the abused. It's not when you date someone new and they excitedly shower you with 1/2
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Since Love Bombing discourse is starting up again, this is your reminder that Love Bombing is an abusive pattern of behavior in which someone showers their abuse victim with undue affection in an effort to breed attachment and then pelts them with cruelty later. It's not when 1/2
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Polyamory Truth: Specific feelings don't have to lead to specific types of relationships. You can be madly in love with someone and remain purely platonic. You can have platonic feelings for someone and be life partners who share a home, income, children, etc. When you learn 1/2
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"Queer is a slur" is a Far Right dogwhistle designed to divide the LGBTQIA+ community. Don't fall for it. We reclaimed Queer back in the 80s and 90s.
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affection, gifts, and attention. That's called New Relationship Energy and is a GOOD thing. It's normal to be excited about new people you date, not abusive. It's not a red flag. 2/2
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someone you've just started dating is infatuated with you and gives you a lot of attention. Love Bombing is a manipulation tactic. It's not normal excitement at being with someone new.
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Asexual people belong at Pride.
Aromantic people belong at Pride.
Trans people belong at Pride.
Gender nonconforming and nonbinary people belong at Pride.
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@jem_zero
As an autistic trans person, I'm all too aware of this. It's asinine that people will tell us we don't face oppression.
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🧵A common part of the Trans experience that I feel doesn't get discussed enough is that many Trans people have, effectively, two or more genders. I don't mean this in the sense of being bigender or multigender, though both of these things are valid, but in the sense of 1/n
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Polyam Hot Take: if someone says they're polyam and means they have the capacity to be in love with multiple people, but don't like their partners to have the same capacity, that isn't something the community should accept. It's selfish and abusive. "I can date others but you 1/2
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to separate feelings from relationship structures, you open yourself to truly customizing your commitments into structures that work uniquely for you and the people you cherish. 2/2
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KINK BELONGS AT PRIDE
BISEXUAL PEOPLE BELONG AT PRIDE
TRANS PEOPLE BELONG AT PRIDE
ASEXUAL PEOPLE BELONG AT PRIDE
AROMANTIC PEOPLE BELONG AT PRIDE
INTERSEX PEOPLE BELONG AT PRIDE
QUESTIONING PEOPLE BELONG AT PRIDE
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"How do I treat all my relationships equally in Polyamory?"
Simple. You don't. Treat relationships equitably. Give each relationship the attention and commitment is needs individually. Different relationships require different levels, and that's okay.
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Do me a favor. If you believe Trans Rights are Human Rights, Trans women are women, Trans men are men, & Nonbinary people are valid, RT this. Let's show that there still exists safe places for Trans people on Twitter!
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I got asked recently why I use the term "polyam" rather than "poly" and it's simple, really. A Polynesian person once asked me not to use "poly" because it is an abbreviation/adjective for their community. It felt like an easy change to make, so I made the change and 1/2
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"How do I treat all my relationships equally in Polyamory?"
Simple. You don't. Treat relationships equitably. Give each relationship the attention and commitment is needs individually. Different relationships require different levels, and that's okay.
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As a Polyamory Advocate, I'm less concerned with promoting Polyamory as the superior relationship style and more concerned with promoting healthy relationships based on consent, respect, and empathy. I don't care if you have 1 partner or 10. I want you and yours to experience 1/2
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having a performative Public Gender and an intimate Private Gender(s), shared only with those close to the Trans person. I'll try to break down what I mean by this.
Many Trans people do not experience gender as a binary, however, many of us are forced to *express* gender 2/n
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@Marvin_humanoid
Gods, I wish they were kidding, but I've had so many allistic people tell me that Autistic people aren't oppressed and that we actually receive special treatment.
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In the spirit of Pride, if you're Queer, respond to this tweet and I'll tell you whether you give off Top, Bottom, or Vers energy based on your pic, bio, and my whims. (Note: Bottom energy isn't derogatory. Bottoms are great!)
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"Sex worker" is a real job. "Landlord" isn't. Glad I could clear that up for you.
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I did not expect this tweet to take off today. I'm really sorry that so many of you can relate to my experience.
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Where my over 30 Queer Family? If you're over over 30 and Queer, check in. Sound off. Do your thing.
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Polyamory Truth: There is an entire spectrum of relationships that lie between and outside of "Just a Friend" and "Committed Romantic Partner."
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@doctorandall
It's possible to use NRE negatively, sure. Anything can. But relationship Twitter would have you believe that any show of affection in a new relationship is toxic and a red flag.
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in binary terms of male or female in order to obtain a modicum of safety in a society that is very strictly gender binary. Using myself as an example, I present myself publicly as a woman, a somewhat quirky t-shirt and jeans goth woman, but a woman nonetheless. However, in 3/n
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🧵I feel like one major problem the Trans community, as well as the greater Queer community, has is that we don't have enough spaces for just... enjoying each other's company. Relaxing. Living full lives. Most spaces I've been a part of, especially in the Trans community, 1/n
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but reclaiming slurs against the LGBTQIA+ and disabled communities means you label yourself the slur in order to detooth them and turn them in to a badge of pride. It does not mean you label other people the slur against their will.
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private, amongst those I'm closest with, I'm a lot more androgynous and nonbinary in my presentation. Though I'm on feminizing hormones and have been for years, I don't fully identify with womanhood, and that's reflected in how I present with my close friends and partners. 4/n
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"Most polyamorous relationships fail."
Most relationships fail, period. Few people spend their lives with the first person they have a relationship with. Moreover, a relationship ending is not necessarily a sign of failure. Growing in different directions happens.
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I don't know why we need to keep saying this, but stop using Pepe emotes. Every time you allow Pepe in your community, BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ viewers immediately feel unwelcome. There are tons of other cute frog emotes you could use. You don't have an excuse anymore. Stop it.
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I hate how there are so many assumptions about "Trans fem culture" online that only center the experiences of the most privileged, generally white, Trans fems. Reality is most Trans fems don't get surgeries. Many don't get to start HRT. Many don't vocal train. All of these 1/2
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"I'm polyamorous but my partner doesn't know."
Cheating. The word you're looking for is cheating. Polyamory requires informed consent from everyone involved.
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Like many other Trans people, I do this for safety, as I'm AMAB and being perceived even slightly as a "male trying to look not male" puts me in danger. So, I fem myself beyond what I might otherwise do, so that I pass as a woman and only have to deal with the usual danger 5/n
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The thing about someone saying, "What discrimination do asexuals face? Genuine question" is that they'd already know if they actually cared to listen to Ace people. The thing is, they mostly don't. It's the exact same tactic straight people have used against Trans people forever.
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🧵"Polyamorous people aren't oppressed"
Despite the frequency that this is said, it's not true at all. Polyamorous people do experience discrimination in many ways, both legally and socially. Let's talk about a few of those things and why a Polyamory Rights movement is needed 1/n
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that comes with being perceived as a woman. Make no mistake, the world is not safe for women of any sort. Just in my personal experience, people are a lot more hostile to me if they realize I'm Trans. I've been the victim of violence far more often when they do.
Similarly, 6/n
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Trans girls, were you the "always play female characters" or "never play female characters because I don't want to be found out" sort of egg?
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I have an AFAB nonbinary trans masc partner who attempts to make his presentation far more masculine in public, because otherwise, people default to assuming he's "woman-lite" as often happens with AFAB nonbinary people.
These sorts of assumptions and reactions to the gender 7/n
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of nonbinary people doesn't only happen out in cishet society, but in Queer and even in Trans spaces as well. AFAB enbies get viewed as woman-lite. AMAB enbies get viewed as perverts and predators. And so we're back to the need many feel to have a Public Gender separate from 8/n
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@CallMeCanaaa
Yuuuup. ND folk, particularly Autistic folks, do not display affection in the same way NT people do.
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🧵Polyamory Tip: Jealousy is not a virtue, but it's not a sin either. Jealousy can be destructive when it leads to resentment, ill-will, and ultimatums, but if processed, jealousy is just an emotion like any other. Jealousy can result from insecurity, but also from unmet needs.
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@Spontyyy
The difference between healthy monogamy and some styles of polyamory is smaller than a lot of people like to admit.
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stuck with it. I'm sure someone will chime in that some Polynesian people aren't offended when polyamorous people use "poly," and I'm sure that's true. No community is a monolith. I can't speak for their community. But if you've wondered why I use polyam, that's why. 2/2
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IF you're polyamorous and dating but don't have the capacity to show real care for new partners, you're polysaturated and shouldn't be dating more people. Telling a partner you don't have the ability to care for them but expecting them to care for you is manipulative, at best 1/2
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love, support, and autonomy, no matter what relationship agreements you have. I want you to communicate and be receptive to communication. I want you to feel safe in your connections. 2/2
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Male cishet bigots aren't afraid that a woman they like will turn out to be a trans woman with a penis.
They're afraid that their preference for trans women with penises will become known. I know this because I look up men on Twitter who try to match with me on dating apps. 1/2
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a Private Gender.
This can go even further when we consider closeted Trans people. Being closeted and Trans is completely valid and anyone who tells you otherwise is a bigot. Closeted Trans people present as their assigned at birth gender in order to remain safe, while 9/n
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If you're a Queer who describes other Queers as "degenerates," I hate to break it to you, but the fascists and bigots hate you just as much as they do the rest of us. They just think you're useful to their agenda.
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experiencing an internal, Private Gender that they may or may not show to people close to them. Regardless of if that Gender is shown, it's real, it exists, and it's valid.
A note on my use of the terms AMAB and AFAB. These terms are often misused as a way of labeling 10/n
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"Money can't buy happiness" isn't wisdom. It's a phrase designed to shame you in to not complaining about not having enough. Material conditions absolutely impact your level of happiness. And how does one acquire good material conditions in a capitalist society? Money.
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assignment is something that happens to a person and is not a reflection on who they are. If I refer to individuals as AMAB or AFAB (as I did for me and my partner), I'm only using this as shorthand for "A person for whom this experience happened to.") 13/13
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Romantic relationships are not "something more" than friendships. They're different connections, but not better connections. Romance and platonic friendship and queerplatonic connections are all equally valid and powerful.
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someone as their assigned birth gender while attempting to sound progressive. This is not what I'm doing here. Gender assignment is something that *happens* to you. It's not an inherent quality, rather it's an imposition from a society that divides the concept of gender 11/n
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I'm blocking anti-asexual people on site just like I block transphobes on site. I'm not playing around. Either you're for Solidarity and raising up everyone in the fight for equality, or you're an ally only to our oppressors.
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🧵Time for a Polyamory Terminology Primer! Pencils out, take notes. This *will* be on the test. Okay, there's no test, but I wanted you all to be able to picture me as a stern teacher telling you what to do. Bottoms. Anyway. In no particular order, let's begin!
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It's TDOV so let me clear some things up.
You don't have to transition socially to be transgender.
You don't have to transition medically to be transgender.
You don't have to transition at all to be transgender.
Nonbinary identities are valid and are a part of our community.
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The "don't say Queer" discourse is an effort by TERFs to erase Trans and nonbinary people from the LGBTQIA+ community. If you are anti-Queer, you are anti *me* and I will consider you just as much an enemy as I do any other bigot.
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along the lines of visible external anatomy. AMAB and AFAB originated as terms within the Intersex community (of which I'm also a part). The usage to refer to Trans people is relatively newer, though no less applicable in describing the overlap of experience. Again, gender 12/n
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Polyamory Truth: Not all styles of Polyamory are compatible with each other. Someone who practices strict hierarchy isn't going to mesh well with a Relationship Anarchist, nor will a person who requires open relationships gel with two people who want a closed tria.
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"I'm a failure at polyamory because I don't have any partners."
When you stop looking at polyam as a relationship style, instead viewing it as a capacity to have more than one intimate connection, the concept of "failure" is meaningless. You can't fail at simply existing as 1/2
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You all glorify soldiers willing to die for what they believe in, then one does willingly and you call him "mentally ill?" Fuck you. Rather than participate in a genocide, that young man showed greater courage than any of you cowards ever will.
#RIPAaronBushnell
Free Palestine.
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Since Herpes is trending, this is your reminder that over half of all adults have either HSV-1 or HSV-2. Yes, well over half. HSV, in either type, is not shameful, bad, or gross. They're cold sores, people. That's it.
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*ALL* cops are bastards. Yes, even gay cops. Even lesbian cops. Even bi cops. Even pan cops. Even trans cops. Even asexual cops. Even aromantic cops. *ALL* COPS! KEEP COPS OUT OF PRIDE!
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Polyamory Advice: New to Polyamory? Don't ask monogamists for advice. This is way, way more common than you'd think. Monogamists have zero frame of reference for polyam relationships. Their opinions are based solely on monogamy, and therefore don't apply to polyam relationships.
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Polyamory can be so mundane and I love that about it. I have multiple people in my life whom I love and it doesn't have to be this big, exotic thing. It's just a normal, regular part of life. And it's great because of that.
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🧵Asexual and aromantic people not only exist in the polyamory community, but make up a large percentage of it. "But Ramona, isn't polyamory just about sex? How can ace people be part of that?" In a word, no, polyamory is not "just about sex." At least, not for everyone. (cont)
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Note for people new to the community: The preferred shortened version of Polyamory is Polyam, not Poly. Poly has traditionally referred to Polynesian culture, not to Polyamory. Basically, it was that community and culture's word first, so we respect that and don't take it.
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Since I've seen this pop up in a couple places now today, this is a reminder that Love Bombing isn't when you start a new relationship and you're super in to the person, showering them with attention. That's called New Relationship Energy and it's normal for lots of people. 1/2
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So this is apparently taking off a bit, so hi, I'm Ramona and this is the kind of thing I talk about on the regular. Follow me if ya want.
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"How do I treat all my relationships equally in polyamory?"
Simple. You don't. Treat relationships equitably. Give each relationship the attention and commitment it needs individually. Different relationships require different levels, and that's okay.
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Polyamory Tip: Jealousy borne of unmet needs is not the same as jealousy borne of possessiveness and malice. If you find yourself jealous because a partner or partners are neglecting your needs, this doesn't mean you're selfish. It means you're hurting.
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Polyamory Truth: Asexual and Aromantic people can be polyamorous. You don't need to feel sexual or romantic attraction in order to be involved in multiple intimate connections. Relationships that aren't based on sexual or romantic love are equally as valid as those that are.
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"Diversify your content creation income."
How about you all stop being ableist and stop assuming everyone had the same time, energy, spoons, and capacity for the "hustle?" You think you're giving good advice, but you're just shaming the victims of platforms. So American. Ugh.
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@JessicasuAKA
@CGSahawneh
I'm also Autistic and that's part of why I tweeted this. ND expressions of affection are not Love Bombing, in any shape or form.
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@La_calderone
A flat affect can occur due to depression, yes, which was his justification. He assumed my flat affect was due to being depressed enough to be an immediate danger to myself, when I'd brought myself in to get treatment before I got to that point of depression.
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and more are positions of privilege that many are not afforded. Someone isn't less Trans fem because they can't or don't do these things. Stop acting like all Trans fems share the same experiences. 2/2
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I have a couple of friends I'm close enough to that people often mistake us for partners. Sometimes, I'll be asked why I don't just make those friendships official partnerships, and to be honest, because there's not really a need to. If I suddenly was like "Yes, I date her," 1/2
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I just accidentally typed the phrase "gold standard in polyamory" as "guild standard" and you know what? I'm rolling with it. We're a Guild now. If you're polyamorous, you're part of the Guild. Congratulations.
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"Autistic people can't feel empathy."
No. We struggle with reading facial expressions and body language, and we tend to favor direct communication. We also tend to feel an abundance of empathy and more compassion that many, perhaps most, allistic people.
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"A Relationship Anarchist polycule just sounds like a friend group."
Honestly, that take wasn't too far off the mark. The difference between a friend group and an RA polycule is how the people involved define their commitments and relationships to each other. That autonomy 1/2
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"Most polyamorous relationships don't work out."
How about most *relationships* don't work out? Polyam, monogamous, almost every person with a successful relationship or relationships has several failed relationships behind them. It's called learning.
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If you ever say that only fully medically transitioned people count as being trans, you're condemning every trans person who can't afford healthcare, who can't access gender affirming care for health reasons. You're saying that the trans experience is only for the privileged.
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There's a problem in the Trans community, mostly among Trans fems, of trying to act like the actions one committed prior to transition don't count, as if they were committed by a different person. There's not a sudden clean slate just because someone transitioned. They're 1/3
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Polyamory Truth: Specific feelings don't have to lead to specific types of relationships. You can be madly in love with someone and remain purely platonic. You can have platonic feelings for someone and be life partners who share a home, income, children, etc.
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There are too many replies to read now. I'm getting slightly overwhelmed.
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have had at least a bit of an activism bent. Don't get me wrong, activism is absolutely vital. I'm an activist myself. But the problem is that when our communities are so often based around fighting for our rights, securing our futures, and battling discrimination, we tend to 2/n
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When you ask someone to explain the ways in which they face discrimination, you're placing them on the defensive. You have, erroneously and falsely, assumed the position of "reasonable authority" and thus anything they say in response is now under *your* scrutiny. You will 1/2
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Hot Take: Polyamory is a relationship orientation, not a relationship style, and to deny it as such is to deny the inherent Queerness in challenging heterocisallomononormativity.
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Polyam Hot Take: Personal autonomy is not the same thing as hyperindividualism. To be autonomous is not only to be free to do as you wish, but to realize your actions have consequences. An autonomous individual recognizes the responsibility they hold to each of their 1/2
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🧵Let's talk about Compersion! If you're new to the polyamory community, you may have heard this term thrown around and have had no idea what people are talking about. So, how about we discuss it and how it applies in our lives as polyamorous people? Join me in this thread! 1/n
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lose track of the here and now, of our own capacity for joy. Moreover, we tend to burn out. I definitely have. I'm witnessing that same burn out all over the community because we've been doing this for so, so long. The statistic is that like 90% of activists burn out 3/n
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"Polyamory only benefits men."
See, what makes that statement itself misogynistic is 1) it ignores the agency of women and nonbinary folks and 2) Entire polycules of lesbians and sapphics exist that don't feature c1s men in the equation at all.
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@TheFulvousFox
It's when someone's expression doesn't change much with emotion. A lot of autistic people have the same flat, neutral expression even when very happy or very sad.
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The Florida "doctor's right to refuse" law will absolutely cause the deaths of Queer and Trans people. I'm not in Florida, but early in my transition, an ER doctor questioned why I take estradiol, and when I told him, he called me a t-slur f-slur. There's no doubt in my mind 1/2
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