Burning Mom ⚡️
@MomOnFire
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74,262
Following
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755
Statuses
135,824
Smooth like nitroglycerin. Sidekick to @gingerhotdish
San Antonio TEXAS
Joined February 2011
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Pinned Tweet
If you need to set a boundary with someone, but don't know how, ask them if you can get sick from playing around with dead birds. They will leave you alone after that.
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Today I am 12 years alcohol free. I’m sharing this so that anyone out there struggling can know that there is hope and there is help. 💛
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Today is my 42nd birthday and in many ways, my life is just getting started. Thank you to everyone along for the ride ❤️ 🎂
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Today is eleven years alcohol free. Putting that out there to let anyone who suffers like I suffered know that there is a way out. It’s a good day.
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I went to a luncheon and I was the only lady at the table who ate her croutons 😕
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Here’s me standing in a corner at my mom’s holiday party 😂 🎄
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By God’s grace I am 13 years sober today. If you struggle like I struggled, there is hope.
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There, Their and They’re? AMATEUR
Show me you know the difference between Effect and Affect, then we’ll talk.
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I’m sad that no one will publish my children’s book, “You Don’t Need to Use Five Fucking Towels a Day.”
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I'm starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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I’m taking up skateboarding as a middle-aged woman since all my other cries for help were ignored.
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He said, “Why are so many women obsessed with true crime and m*rder?,” and all the women in the room exchanged glances, but didn’t answer.
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Yesterday I found myself face to face with someone who was pretty terrible to me thirty years ago, and I’m happy to report that I’ve aged slightly better than her. I’m taking the win.
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I had to change a tire today wearing this on a busy street. Happy freaking Tuesday lol.
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I want this Twitter account to outlive me by 100 years. I want my grandchildren to read my Tweets and say, "Holy fuck. She was so weird."
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@aphotomama
This is chilling. I hope she cuts contact with him forever. I’m so sorry for her
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I’m about to give a big speech in front of a lot of people, and I’m excited but nervous!
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Big thank you to the three percent that loves small boobs.
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Teacher: Your daughter skips instead of walking sometimes.
Me: Yes she does it when she's happy.
T: Can you get her to stop?
M: No.
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Just trashy enough so that you're a little embarrassed by how much you like me.
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I’m 5’10” so if I’m wearing heels, it’s strategic intimidation.
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People complain about “adulting” but I just ate Toaster Strudel for dinner and now I’m going to bed at 8:00, so there are some perks.
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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I wore glitter makeup to the rollercade and called it a throwback 😁 🛼
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I struggle convincing myself that I deserve to take days off and enjoy myself, but today was very nice ❤️
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I got an Instagram message request asking who the fuck I am, because I keep liking and commenting on a guy’s pictures. And I got to tell her, “Lady, that’s my little brother.” No response back yet.
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There is nothing more embarrassing than being with someone who talks condescendingly to waitstaff. As soon as it happens, I start making my plan to exit the friendship.
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I can see you're upset. Would 50 loose Nerds™ from the bottom of my purse help?
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And here’s one of just me. Still alive. Still trying. Goodnight to all the lovers and especially the losers.
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Good morning, don’t let them find you where they left ya ☀️ ❤️
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1985: We are the world.
2022: Don’t fucking call my phone ever.
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As soon as you hear the boss saying things like, “We’re a family,” or “We’re all in this together,” start working on your résumé. I don’t know much, but I do know that.
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I’ve been trying to detox off sugar and I want you all to know that I deeply hate every person I’ve ever met from birth until now.
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*reading “Romeo and Juliet” as an adult*
These two are fucking idiots.
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You see, this is Twitter. What we do here is exaggerate scenarios for comedic effect.
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Quick question to anyone who lived through the Nineties: how the fuck was Home Improvement so popular?
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I need some better real-life friends. I just feel… used by everyone in my (real) life. Just throwing it out into the ether. Goodnight.
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I’m 5’10 and I wear 4 inch heels every day, that’s how important it is to me that people feel uncomfortable when I’m around.
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My guy friend showed up to the 5K this morning in JEANS and hiking boots with no training, and he won the damn thing. Men are nuts.
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Oh hell yes I’m going to my 20 year college reunion and I intend to look smoking hot. Sorry not sorry.
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I’m a middle-aged white woman, so gangsta rap really resonates with me.
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Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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Stop being sad over people who don’t give a fuck about you.
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My cousin’s boyfriend demanded to know how I have so many Twitter followers and when I told him it’s because I’m FUNNY, he looked confused and upset.
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You'd be surprised by how much effort goes into my mediocrity.
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I found these stashed under my daughter’s pillow. My God, what is she planning?
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If you aim for the moon and miss, you will not land amongst the stars. Stars are billions of miles away, and you will suffocate.
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The people that get my humor are super fucked up and I like it.
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I wasn’t invited to the wedding due to not being close enough friends (no problem), but now they will be “really upset” if I can’t make it to the baby shower. Mmmmkay.
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I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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The right haircut can change your life. Oh man, here’s hoping.
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I turn 40 this week and I just realized I’ve spent my whole life trying to make everyone happy and get love and maybe it’s finally time to STOP THAT POINTLESS BULLSHIT and put myself first, what a concept.
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When I’m introduced to people at parties, I say, “We’ve met before on Grindr.” Must be done in front of their spouse, or it’s not as funny.
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-Hey, I got your message.
-I never sent a message.
-Yep. Got it.
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If I was your girl, we'd be in bed at 8:45 on a Friday night. Think about that, hot stuff.
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You cook, and I'll sit on a stool in the kitchen and tell you jokes. How about that?
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I'll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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“Fuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk”
-every American getting up and getting their ass to work this morning.
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I don't care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
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Once upon a time there lived a teenage girl who stayed up watching MTV every summer night from 12-4 am hoping they’d play this video again.
28 years ago, no doubt released the classic ‘don’t speak’
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When I walk in the door my dog acts like The Beatles just took the stage at The Ed Sullivan Show, and I like it.
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My daughter turned to me, put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Remember, a glow stick has to break to glow.” Well, alright!
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If we go out, I will absolutely peek and see what percentage you tipped the server.
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I’ve made so many mistakes, one more won’t hurt my average, let’s go babe.
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So, I’ve been walking my dog wearing a bathrobe as a coat, but it doesn’t FEEL like rock bottom, so I’m fine.
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To the neighbor who won’t speak or make eye contact with me: Thank you, man. Like, for real.
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Right now I’m busy devising a plan to stop Christmas from coming.
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You want some advice? Don't order crab cakes when you're 700 miles from the ocean.
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Today is my birthday and I think protocol is to share a happy pic from the past year and then go enjoy my day. I like this one because it was my first race in a long time and I was so tired but happy. Thanks to my Twitter friends that keep me laughing.
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to "steal" as many as she wants.
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*whispers to first-time pregnant lady*
"Six years from now you'll be hiding in a closet, scrolling Twitter with dead eyes."
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