Max Knoblauch
@MaxKnoblauch
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headlines & graphics contributor @clickhole and writing @sherwood_news insta/tok: maxknobs
New York
Joined August 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Terrible day at work (am a courtroom sketch artist) - couldn’t get the asses right all freaking day
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Exhausted, frustrated, just thankful this day is over and it’s the weekend because today SUCKED (couldn’t get asses right)
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If you’re gonna hike with ME? You better be ready to do it MY way 😎 (full sprint up, throw up at the top, pass out, bite anyone who tries to help me, insist that someone poisoned my water, get airlifted out fully restrained)
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Juuuust fuckin admit you forgot to calculate the ants. Don’t insult me
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I was at Mashable for 4.5 years. Long! I got laid off today, but my time there was insanely fun and I was able to work on many things I'm very proud of. The people were very good and the free coffee was not
Let me know if you're looking for a writer/director/illustrator/comedian
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I’m still sending one half of my pay check each month to Jill stein for the recount
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@voxdotcom
got a pitch for you guys, it's "Actually, oil in my mouth is good: a defense of DAPL." shoot me an email, let's talk $
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Hating something isn’t a personality - sorry!! That being said, neither is liking something. Personality is simply how much you weigh + how much money you make
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POV your dad wakes you up before he heads out on his work trip
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This is my new character: a guy who thinks gossip is bad news
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me: so basically she is like draining the beef juice from the beef and then rinsing the beef and everyone is popping off on her bcuz thats crazy to do haha you gotta keep the beef juice its the best part!
My wife getting ready for her date with an MLB player: thats crazy
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Had fun talking to the hosts of
@trillionairepod
- an out the gate excellent podcast that I really recommend if you are into comedy/personal finance/that jacked guy on TikTok who is always eating raw meat & says running is a fear-based exercise.
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I think these msnbc guys make some good points
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this is how my grandparents smile together in photographs
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Love to talk crypto/web3 with Dan, who is my cousin
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[trying to do a viral question tweet so I can get some more followers] do you guys brush your teeth
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By my age my great grandfather had 4 kids, a house, his own business, a pet chimp who was addicted to pain killers, no car, he HATED reading, owed 15 years back taxes, was on wrong side of WW2 for SURE, told everyone he "invented the drums." Anyway he was nuts! Very weird guy
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I did not like improv and then I saw Aaron Jackson and Don Fanelli and Dru Johnston do a 3 person show that was legitimately the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life and so I was like alright I'll take a class. Miss those times!
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Sorry, this is NYC buddy. If youre taking up too much room on the train YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT ILL say nothing and let it ruin my whole day
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Middle of an eminem verse
George Stephanopoulos lands an exclusive with George Papadopoulos — >>
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Actually I get it
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I lived like a royal baby for a week and it seems like people either like it or want me arrested so see which you are
http://t.co/wuWUtvXFT1
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Had another night terror about snoopy's dirty brother who lives in the desert
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Make your jokes, have your fun. But PLEASE respect that Brad Pitt went through hell for this scene. Take after take, getting hit by a van and then a couple other cars for real. Could you do it??? You all look VERY small right now
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my nalgene mural is finally up! thank you
@nalgene
for letting me help tell your brand story.🙏 lets go!
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Around the 114 minute mark of 1917 you can see me in the background at crafty rooting around the chocolate almonds and then for the next 20 mins or so I’m in the shot talking to the other extras and you can hear me say “these almonds are fire” over 100 times
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My writing advice? Write! Write write write. I write every single day for 12 hours, all over my walls with a little burnt stick. And I’m always writing the same thing: “im a crazy guy!”
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@MrAlexisPereira
Honestly nice to know it was the cia antifa thing and not that they didn’t like your sketches/you’re blacklisted or whatever!
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@tylerschmall
@FINALLEVEL
Thank you for this you made my whole day : )
Passing along to some friends and coworkers
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Howard Schultz is absolutely 3 days away from botching a slam dunk photo op at a local diner by trying to eat eggs through a straw and paying for them with a 5000 dollar bill
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donald: i will wear an incredibly long tie made for a 7 foot tall man
chris: i will wear a babys tie made for a baby
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Just great. Terrence Malik released a statement saying the purge movies aren’t cinema and my nephew (working for me) did this to my damn home office
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sorry I know you're busy, i just wanted to let you know that your tweets about how batman v superman isnt good made me want to be a writer
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My favorite episode of Home Improvement is the one where Tim makes a wacky unsafe improvement to his dishwasher and it kills his fourth son
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Wearing my 2 sizes small red izod sweater, holding a dozen shrimp in one hand and the worst old fashioned you could imagine in the other, fully tearing both ACLs trying to crip walk with my teen nieces for tik tok
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Top songs of 2014 according to Kitty, my neighbor who doesnt understand how thin the walls are:
1. Hozier- Take me to church
~end of list~
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Many people seem to think I embarrassed myself on Bachelor in paradise because I told 16 women I love them in my first hour there and then got caught in a riptide and a shark bit my ass off, when actually that’s exactly what I WANTED to happen
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This week on an all new American Detour Halloween Special - we’re in Salem Massachusetts and joined by 2 witches/Philly sports fans
@jeremylevick
and
@rajat_suresh
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When I bring dates back to my place the 1st thing I show them is my wall covered in dozens of Amazon Dash buttons
"Order anything" I whisper
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In the books the character's name is Steve-o Greyjoy and he dies being launched off a cliff in a shopping cart while butt chugging milk of the poppy
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Going to jail for life because I paid the improv coach at gonzaga 21,000,000 dollars to let my unfunny son do short form
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Im the guy in The Lumineers who claps constantly on every song and my doctor said if I keep it up my hands will be "ruined for life"
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I have been cast as the war criminal Henry Kissinger in This Is Us season 4
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Cant wait to hit my insurance's out of pocket maximum after this surgery I have coming up. Gonna get so many fuckin free procedures done- getting my kidneys switched around, changing my eye color, gonna have 'em take my head off and put it back on, who cares. It's Surgery Summer
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Gather around and say bye to daddy kids- I’m off! Shipping out, 5000 miles away for a year and a half to get 4K footage of a weirdo bug that does a funny dance so other bugs will have sex with it for the new Netflix nature doc. Won’t have service. Be good!
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My wife and kids are waiting outside in the car while I do a 4 and a half hour interview for Dax Shepard’s podcast
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Me and the fellas sitting in a Best Western business center on our laptops calling out Black Friday lightning deals like it’s the nasa control center
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Can’t believe that was this year! Feels like forever ago that washed ashore
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apparently everyone forgot/is too busy for the cousins only Easter jackbox hang but I am here in the zoom making the most of it and having the time of my life!
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Absolutely crushing with my sarcastic comments and funny voices while my wife and I watch the Netflix octopus documentary. Pretending I’m the octopus, doing an impression of the guy, pretending I’m a fish out of frame watching everything unfold. Destroying. Unbelievable rush
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tyler has pitched me this story every day for 3 weeks
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@reginaYhicks
@heyKQ
would be good as a barista or a coffee shop employee or someone who makes coffee or something like that I bet
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I got verified in 2013 because I made a parody video of what does the fox say about iPhones and it was viewed over 40 billion times
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On November 2nd, 1988, Robert Morris created a worm that brought the Internet to a screeching halt. 25 years later:
http://t.co/7DXXoBDZ9b
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who in your mind is someone working right now who really has CHARISMA...like an undeniable, absolute charm factory
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Going into hometowns many said that holding my breath in the pool until I pass out to impress a girls dad and then minutes later getting my ass beat by her little brother while screaming LET ME MARRY HER would be a worst case scenario - they were wrong! I enjoyed my time there
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Sometimes I look at my haters and I just have to laugh. Those guys are so damn funny. Charming as hell too. Cool clothes. Damn this actually sucks I wish they liked me so bad
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While you’re lying around talking vaccine this, reboot that, I’m on clubhouse from 7-10am eastern every day talking mobile marketing strategies with a guy I went to college with who wore full suits to the bar. No one listens and our mics are absolutely maxxed out to hell
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If you don’t think Stand By Me has the best ending in the history of movies, unfollow me
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A few people have ask me to put my Bernie Dunking illustration onto a shirt/sweater so I am doing that here! 50% of profits will go to City Harvest NYC
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Ok but you have to admit Aetna has been killing it in terms of insurance lately
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Dune should end with an hour, maybe hour 30 of bloopers. Everything should actually. Eh, actually idk. Whatever you guys want. Be well!
-m
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In my opinion people who bail on my insta stories halfway through generally have never been there for me, have no empathy, and come from money (generally)
That being said, people who watch my thing all the way to the end are also troubled (obsessed w/ tech)
Not good!
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I saw the Harry Potter play and there’s no joke here but it’s very funny that all the kids grew up and married each other and became cops.
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Me and my boys in station eleven world traveling around Nassau county performing good will hunting from memory. 20 years in- still can’t get the accents right, everyone hates us
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Confronting my toxic coworker on his behavior while fully maxing out a lime scooter at 8mph
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I cut the muscular monkeys bangs and showed him in the mirror and he threw me 200 feet in the air like a clay pigeon
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Must be a mistake- this is my boy Dustin, we used to do whippits on the bus together and he would tell me about the religion he was inventing. Ended up getting his ass kicked by the school security guard for trying to steal a smart board and he sued and won like 1.6 mil
Face to face with the Bronze Age. ‘Ditchling Road Man’ is a forensic reconstruction of a 25-35 year-old male, who lived around 4,200 years ago. He was buried with a pottery beaker, arrowhead & shells. He was discovered in 1921 during road works in Brighton, Sussex.
#Archaeology
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