Lauren
@LaurenIpsumZA
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Communications Strategist. Erudite. Tiny Dancer. Cat Enthusiast. Hug Dealer. I’m a lady in the streets but a freak at the buffet 🌈🩷💜💙
Johannesburg, South Africa
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Mask, handbag, cellphone... fuck forgot my Woolies bags
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Miss Sometimes Africa
Jordan van der Vyver (24) comes from Greenpoint in Cape Town and is an international model who usually spends half the year working in the US.
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One thing I can’t fucking stand is seeing domestic workers and gardeners walking their employer’s dogs
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Day ???? of lockdown: desperate for baked beans on toast but Pick n Pay wouldn’t sell me a tin opener.
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I have to watch this video every time I stumble upon it. Top shelf.
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On account of it being minus poes degrees in Joburg this morning, my mom’s fountain froze over. I didn’t think that was actually possible.
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I’m still getting asked for ID at the age of 50 — it’s the best thing ever
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And this intersection was proudly brought to you by Jay Jays
If you think about it, this era was when the scene aesthetic and swag aesthetic kind of intersected
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Appalled that there is no poll function on WhatsApp to settle basically every group decision.
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I’m in a bad place at the moment.
I’m totally fine, I’m just in Pretoria North.
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This gives me anxiety because I just *know* I’d be the kid to fuck it up for everyone.
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Living alone means it’s always my turn to choose what to watch on Netflix and I’m sick of it.
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Thank you, high school acquaintance, for pretending to not see me in Woolies while I pretended to not see you.
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People always dream about sitting next to a hot person on a plane. Luckily for my Cape Town co-travelers, I am that person.
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Can we please release Come Dine With Me contestants from the clutches of lamb shanks
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I just blocked someone for saying garlic bread is overrated. I rebuke that hate speech on my TL.
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RE Matt Black: a quantum of solace. I was lying in bed with my boyfriend when he requested a nude from me. We sent him a picture of my boyfriend’s butt. It gives me a strange sense of satisfaction to think that he beat his meat to a picture of my boyfriend. 😂
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Guys Kengen was right there
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The museum of minor inconveniences, living as a single person.
[a thread]
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Oom Cyril’s speech writer really, really loves setting the scene
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This lockdown has me feeling agitated constantly. Like am I hungry or anxious or bored or thirsty or horny or tired or stressed or sick of doing the dishes or claustrophobic or lonely...?
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Oh my fucking shattered nerves. We got fucking chased by an elephant this evening. We had to reverse down a dirt road for about a kilometer! 😰 it was like some Jurassic Park shit.
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My ex husband used to eat avocado with condensed milk poured into the centre. The red flags were there 🚩
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It’s my 30th birthday tomorrow and the gift I’m going to give myself is quitting smoking.
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Cucumber tastes like water that’s been in someone else’s mouth.
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Coconut water tastes like water that’s been in someone else’s mouth.
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I am driving home from my vax and in the car next to me there is a hun eating a whole bowl of cereal (ceramic bowl, metal spoon, alles) as she drives and it may just be the most chaotic thing I’ve ever seen 👁👄👁
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So that they can serve me We Buy Cars and Wonga ads directly into my brain? Norrafuck
Elon Musk’s brain-machine interface company Neuralink is currently looking for their clinical trial director to start testing brain chip on humans.
“You will be able to save and replay memories. You could potentially download them into a new body or into a robot body.”
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I drink a lot of water because it's essential to keep hydrated when you're a salty bitch.
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A lot of people are being tjoepstil in the wake of Dr*g*n’s exposure as a serial abuser and it’s just not sitting right with me. The silence is almost as disturbing as the girlies twirling to defend him.
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The year is 2009. You’re walking into the club to smash double jäger bombs just before buy one get one free ends. I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas is playing. You know you’re going to be scream-singing Summer of 69 on the dancefloor after midnight. Life is good.
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Happy anniversary to the baked beans debacle of 2020. I own a tin opener now.
Day ???? of lockdown: desperate for baked beans on toast but Pick n Pay wouldn’t sell me a tin opener.
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No matter how kind you are, afrikaans children will always be kinder.
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Friendly reminder that my mom took my Persian to the parlour 5 years ago and this was the result 😭😂😭
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South African Horror Story: when you’ve been watching YouTube videos and Insta stories the whole weekend and you ONLY JUST realized your WiFi was switched off.
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Casual Friday night with the only two men I’ll let into my house.
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Oscars be damned, the cinematic highlight of 2017 was the scene where the snakes chase the iguana in Planet Earth 2.
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@Summer29582547
This post was inspired by watching a domestic worker - a mature woman - being dragged down the road by a boisterous Labrador and it sent me into a rage. She was clearly unhappy and struggling; this was most certainly not her choice.
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If you were considering living in Fourways and working in Rosebank might I suggest that you don’t. Fucking. Ever. Do. That. Clusterfuck doesn’t even cover it.
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Our lights are on but we have lost WhatsApp and Instagram. The lord giveth, and the good lord, he taketh away 💔
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While I appreciate the men on my TL admonishing any sort of impropriety towards women, I hope you apply the same energy to calling out men in your WhatsApp groups, friendship circles, out at bars, on social media. Until you make changes in real life, your allyship is performative
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Not rocking up to a friend’s wedding when you have already RSVPed is so disrespectful. Weddings are gang expensive. Send invoice.
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@Mthaux
didn't attend his friends wedding and received this message.
Is this fair?
#TheShakedown
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I muted yesterday’s post because a lot of people were responding with nasty takes. I want to thank each and every one of you who reached out, offered advice and sent me love. It means more to me than you know.
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I’m having a bit of a hard time with my mental health at the moment, so I put together a list of affirmations to ease my mind a bit. I thought I’d share them here, just in case someone else needed to hear them [thread]
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This is Chubby. As a purveyor of the Soft Life, he hates adversity.
1. Could not step over the cable because it was scary
2. The terrifying rake was in his way
3. Would not walk over the carpet because it was folded
4. Could not get in through the door gap (got out just fine)
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It’s hard to admit but living by yourself is lonely as fuck sometimes. Sometimes your own company just isn’t enough. My heart is sore.
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Your girl is going to be interviewed on
@SABCNews
today at 2pm to talk about the effects of COVID-19 on the PR and advertising industry 💃
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#ThrowbackThursday
to when Google didn’t exist, and when you wanted to learn the lyrics to your favourite songs, you had to pause the song every 3 seconds so you could write the words down.
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Men on Tinder with no bio and only one obscure picture?? Yes king give us nothing
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This is the second worst thing to ever happen to John Lennon.
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Good morning to everyone, especially Diane from Lonehill xoxo
I’m wearing hater blockers so that you guys take me extra seriously.
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I will never forgive HIMYM for the chokehold that Barney Stinson had on the men of this country for the majority of the 2000s.
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Make no apologies for how you choose to cope in lockdown. We’re all just trying to get by.
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I am a whole 31 years old today. 30 was a tough year, but I’m grateful for both the love from friends and family, and the lessons. As my stepdad told me this morning, I am now within my fourth decade; here’s hoping it brings with it amazing things.
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Thoughts and prayers to all of the ballies who have to take a break from arguing about the vaccine because Facebook is down.
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The good times they had at St Stithians
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Today I witnessed a colleague eat a banana sandwich - as in a chopped banana on a roll with margarine fokken dik gesmeer- and I am shook to my core.
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Delicious grammatical fact: the use of a question mark followed by an exclamation mark is called an interrobang.
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Show me on the doll where women’s confidence hurts you?
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The feminine urge to say “no problem” when there are, in fact, many many problems
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I’ve quite enjoyed the anonymity of masks in that I don’t even feel remotely bad about rocking up to the shops looking like an absolute dog’s breakfast
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Our beloved Ever Given and it’s 25 crew members has been seized by Egypt, and will not be released until a compensation payment of $900m is made.
The best part is, the ship is being held in a place called - I shit you not - The Great Bitter Lake.
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So midway Cyril’s announcement, my sister panic-went for an petrol station run and returned with:
- 4 x Jelly Babies
- 1 x bottle of long life milk
- 1 x box of Romany Creams
- 4 x boxes of cigarettes
- 8 x buddy Cokes
- 2 x small bags of Tumbles
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Got my hurr did and I’m feeling more myself than I have in ages 💇🏼♀️
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In light of recent conversations, I would be remiss to not flag a widely-loved SA Canadian-based doctor who struck up a repartee with me during lockdown. Claims to be divorced; turns out he had a long-term girlfriend in Canada. I genuinely hope I’m not the only woman he fooled.
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My sister has tested positive for COVID 😢 I’m so worried. And I spent the whole weekend with her.
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I am spending New Years in the bush with my mom, aunt and sister and I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect. Happy has a clam. Here’s to a gentle and happy 2022 to you and yours ❤️
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Today I finally experienced the absolute unbridled joy that is Ted Lasso. Four episodes in and I am in heaven.
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Hot girl seeking hot bae to baecation with for the long weekend. Must bring wine and a sense of humour. Apply within.
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A guy I like just called me “homegirl” so this is me tweeting from the friendzone beyond the grave 💀
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