Kimberly 🧜🏻♀️ Dinaro💲
@KimberlyDinaro
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Following
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Stand-up mermaid & Goddess of unemployed bartenders. Bylines: @someecards , @Betches_Sup , @betchesluvthis , @reductress
New York City
Joined February 2010
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My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building...which is all incredibly stressful because there's just no way I'm going to get away with it twice
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Whenever they cut to the "undecided voters," it's like:
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33-year-old Amy Poehler playing 26-year-old Rachel McAdams' mom in "Mean Girls" is the exact dynamic between me and my coworkers at my bartending job
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Describing these omicron symptoms as "mild" when they really just mean "you won't die" is like when OB-GYNs tell women IUD insertion is "a little pinch" when they really just mean "it's not childbirth!"
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My boyfriend was born & raised in Vegas so when I visit his family I get a vacation, but when he visits my family he gets to sleep in my childhood bedroom in the woods of MA where there's 1 restaurant, quiet hours start at 8, and for fun my mom suggests we "go through this pile"
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"Sex And The City" made me think that in my 30s I'd have a really beautiful closet of designer shoes and it's an absolute honor to report that I actually don't even have a closet
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In hindsight it's incredibly funny she wrote a whole song about how he has a gorgeous face...when his face is...her face
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I'd rather make 500 Negroni Sbagliatos "with prosecco" every shift if it means you all stop asking for espresso martinis
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Hollywood is truly obsessed with making movies where babies trapped in adult bodies have sex with Mark Ruffalo
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I was trying to find that "I Think You Should Leave" meme but this is fine too
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Me, when they tell me the customers are being mean to them
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Me, when they develop a fake personality to get tips from men using the tricks I taught them
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Me at 20-years-old: Betty Draper's life is so sad
Me, now: How can I make this my afternoon
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"And Just Like That..." everyone in NYC got COVID
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Me, when they ask me if I own a house because I'm over 30
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The
#Oscars
2019 is all like:
🎵Roma: ROMA RO-MA-A
A Star is Born: GAGA OO-LA LA
The Favourite: I want your ugly, I want your disease
Vice: I want your everything, as long as it’s free
Bohemian Rhapsody: I want your love, LOVE LOVE LOVE 🎵
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Other activities include: watching 20 minutes of a movie we've all seen before my dad says "well that's it for me," going out walking "for a little air," asking my mom where the red pepper flakes are, lying to my neighbor about how my career is going
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Christina Aguilera convinced people to wear ultra low-rise flare jeans that laced up the sides & crotch with faux suede ribbon from 2002-2005 for no reason other than “DIRRTY,” but wearing a mask to save lives is “uncomfortable?”
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Every Instagram influencer right now whose whole brand is “positive vibes” is like “I’ll lose TONS of followers for this, but listen—I just need to come out & say it...(inhale) racism? I personally feel it’s bad ✌️Use code ‘BAREMINIMUM’ 4 a discount on my peace-scented candles”
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"Yes, all my very real family members and I are just having a difficult time with this very hard choice"
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50% of my friends are having regular breakdowns abt the planet & humanity while the rest are bringing kids into this like, "I hope they get into a good kindergarten so they get into a top college in 2040 when their professor's a sea wall & tuition's $5 mill or a Bezos work-study"
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Now that we've officially had a full year away from normal bars, I hope you all took this time to practice charging your own phones
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More on this here:
My landlord wrote a musical about his tenants so I wrote a musical about my landlords 🥰🎹🎶
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The first Thanksgiving he came for, my mom conducted a town tour complete with "that was the old Blockbuster" and "that's the cemetery where Kimby used to write weird poems," but the big finale was the newly remodeled Dunkin' Donuts which "is open 24 hours if you can believe"
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If any creative people need some inspiration today I heard a woman in her early 20s ask her friends after a comedy show, "standup is so weird like...I just laugh because I feel bad for them--is that what everyone is doing?"
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The airbnb commercials need to stop romanticizing hanging out with the host. The host isn't a delightful woman who makes cookies. The host is a profile pic of a guy in sunglasses who owns 15 houses and charges a $300 cleaning fee while threatening to fine you if you don't clean
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The lighting at the pandemic
#Oscars
makes it looks like all these famous people put on ball gowns to have a pep rally in the middle school gym/auditorium
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"Just five minutes of some discomfort! Oh, you've fainted? Just wait until you feel contractions! Here's some Advil."
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Say what you will about Millennials, we are NEVER the ones holding up an airport security line
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My landlord wrote a musical about his tenants so I wrote a musical about my landlords 🥰🎹🎶
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Hands down the weirdest part of growing up in Massachusetts was that all of us casually crushed these white bread sugar nut monstrosities wrapped in sticky tin foil at 10 am from age 7-17
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Everyone in NYC who is saying they’re “not worried” abt
#coronavirus
bc they’re young & “healthy” has lived on nothing but cigarettes, cocaine & bodega meat for 9 years, shares a moldy shower w/ 7 internet strangers & is in an open relationship w/ an anti-vax couple & 2 park rats
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"Yes, hello. That's right, it's me: an on-the-fence, very conflicted voter. Why? Have you seen Biden's veneers? Sorry, what was the question..."
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This isn't an invitation for you to all argue about how some cases are actually mild (I'm aware! Some IUD insertions are also easy-breezy beautiful Mirena girls)
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In high school my gym teacher stretched a condom over her fist and shook it at the class yelling "See boys? You think you're 'too big' FOR THIS???" and that's more sex education that the majority of American students get
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I watched “500 Days of Summer” 500 too many times at 19 & tried trapping men w/ sundresses, bangs & batting my lashes like a quirky giraffe while whispering, “I’m not looking for anything serious.” But every time they’d just be like “cool! me neither” & ask me to leave their apt
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When I tell people I want a dog they're like "how big is your home? Can you handle mornings? How much money do you make? Do you have time for long rigorous walks?" which is weird considering the only qualification necessary to get told to have a human baby is: Woman, 30s, alive
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Quick reminder that a dude on
#TheBachelorette
thought a woman’s gestation period was 2 weeks & another dude thought women GREW ovaries DURING pregnancy. Anyway, let’s keep letting men make decisions about abortion! It just makes sense!
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I get that expecting parents keep baby names a secret because they don't want to hear anyone else's opinions, but it's so funny when they're like "sorry we can't tell" and then the big reveal is that the kid's name is "Brian"
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I love when moms pitch pregnancy to me, but sprinkle in some casual horrors like: "it changed my life in ways I can't describe, I went bald for 3 months, the love you have for them is technicolor, my organs rearranged, my left rib snapped, I was clinically dead, he's my world"
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"Transgender operations on illegal aliens in prison"
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I love how the characters in "Friends" are supposed to be 20-somethings, but they stay home every night while living in the West Village and hang at a coffee shop instead of a bar? They're scandalized they went through 5 bottles of wine at a party? Good for them, but they're 35
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Arriving at the bodega after my 2.5 minute walk in 93 degrees
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@strawberrytopz
Clothes, mail, dance recital costumes, books, binders, diaries, the ghosts of my youth
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Cocktails according to an unemployed bartender: ✨Part 2 ✨
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Guys the fly on Pence's head right now is like
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So weird when people with kids tell you to have kids later to "enjoy" your twenties or have kids early to "enjoy" your forties because either way they're all saying you for sure won't "enjoy" the whole having kids part
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I know this is controversial but I actually think it would be nice if we let people stay home when they're sick regardless of whether or not it's COVID
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If any comedians/producers/writers need some inspiration today, I overheard a woman on the sidewalk yell, "literally nobody wants to see a standup show...why are there so many???"
Hope that helps!❤️
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To be honest I haven't felt anything since I was watching "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" and Kristen Wiig said she got SNL at 30 and Jerry Seinfeld was like "lol that's so late"
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Two girls with trust funds Venmo-requesting you for $2.37 after the group dinner because you ate one of the shared side of fries
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Christmas cocktails according to an unemployed bartender
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@turbittj
One thing I respect about margarita drinkers is that they’ll order a margarita wherever they are, almost always when they shouldn’t 🥳
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Maybe you guys should watch the Tonight Show tonight? Could be fun!
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New parents will be like "you don't know exhaustion until you've had a baby" but I've worked 12+ hr bartending shifts for bachelor parties for 7 years. I've also been vomited on at 3 AM and instead of someone I'm programmed to love unconditionally it's just Tripp, 33, Finance.
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Negroni sbagliatos are fun because none of you can pronounce it, you don't need to clarify the Prosecco part and they're delightful little wintertime spritzes. Festive, fun, flirty, and not caffeinated
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This is what young people have to do for good health insurance in America
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One thing I'll always be is the friend you can go to when you bought something ridiculous. You spent $312 on a weird hat? You deserved it. You needed a hand-painted baroque toaster? Yes you did. A vintage fainting couch that doesn't fit in the apt? SEND PIC
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13-year-old me 30-year-old me
at a school at the dentist
dance
🤝
Getting yelled at for grinding
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The way the government is handling COVID right now is like when my super told me that the best way to control bed bugs is to "use your own body as the bait"
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Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" lyrics without the upbeat melody under them...a haunting tragic poem
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Kylie "Self-made Billionaire" Jenner donating only 5 grand to her makeup artist's GoFundMe for a $60,000 life-saving surgery is how I know her ass doesn't tip
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But if I can't see see my mom & aunts at Thanksgiving, how am I supposed to know how much I weigh this year?
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Celebrating bisexual awareness week by apologizing to everyone I played Truth or Dare with at 8th grade sleepovers
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@sarahcpr
I regularly think about the sheer balls it took to write a song that’s a declaration of friendship & start it with “it must’ve been cold there in my shadow...💅”
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A lockdown but just because we're tired this time? Could be fun!
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Something I learned about economics from living in NYC is that people who are actually rich will never tell anyone, but it’s ok because their kids will tell everyone
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No one:
Native New Yorkers: YOU’RE ALL FAKE ASS PUSSY BITCHES I GREW UP IN EXPENSIVE GARBAGE AND I CHOSE TO STAY👏 IN 👏GARBAGE 👏. NYC IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD EVEN THOUGH I’VE NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE ELSE & MY LANDLORD IS A ROACH RIDING A RAT WITH A TOP HAT
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@zanmerusteff
YES 😭 sometimes I hide them and use different glasses. They're the fajitas of cocktails
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If you’ve never had a panic attack just imagine you’re casually going about your day & all of a sudden the professor of your life writes “see me” at the top of your future
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Comedy is 10% jokes and 90% sitting at bars with other comedians talking about how we should quit drinking while drinking
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The Venmo feed is quite possibly the most boring social media idea in history & yet it's actually where *all* the secrets are just out there in plain sight like "🍹🍕❤️☺️💋💁🏼♀️✈️"
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If I happened to be one of the most successful pop stars in the history of music and someone said I didn't write songs I wrote, I would simply be like "lol" and then go back to one of my pools full of money in one of my 500 Tribeca lofts
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Christmas cocktails according to an unemployed bartender: ✨ Part 2✨
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If you like espresso martinis I support your joy and you should order what you want. It's just that too many of them make people Vodka Red Bull/OG Four Loko aggro drunk and they're usually more annoying than even mojitos for bartenders to make
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Taylor Swift posting a selfie captioned “not a lot going on at the moment” while she was actually writing a quarantine album is the same energy as the girl in high school who’d say “I FAILED that” after a test & you’d be like “SAME” but then you’d actually fail & they’d get a 93
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It's "bring a jacket but get too hot so carry it around all night on your forearm and then leave it at a bar" season for those who celebrate
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BREAKING: People who want abortions also have heartbeats
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Unrelated but one time when I was a waitress Chappelle made us all stay there until the sun came up and our busser kept being like, "...who is this man again?"
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Someone in the comments compared this to Jason Segel's Dracula musical breakdown in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"...an honor
Battle of the Instant Songwriters:
@KimberDin
performs “I’m Scared of My Roomba”
#FallonTonight
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Planning a wedding is sooooo funny. How did they use so many words to say "go fuck yourself???"
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Forcing waiters & bartenders to wear masks while serving unmasked, sloppy drunk, spit-laughing, allergies-sneezing, stranger-kissing, margarita salt-licking, cocaine $-straw sharing customers is a circus of safety theatre w/ the same energy as a sex ed teacher’s dental dam demo
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When I first moved to New York I complimented a stranger's boots on the sidewalk and she dropped her sunglasses to her nose and said "thanks" but when I asked her where she got them, she said "why would I tell you?" and I think about her every day
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Please tune in for Sex & the IKEA wardrobe starring: living room clothing rack and pile of misc accessories
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Normalize taking 6 whole years off and going back to the office for 13-15 minutes to perform the Super Bowl Halftime show
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What's even crazier is that this was a 2015 domestic violence campaign
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"Love that for you" is the "Bless your heart" of the North
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