Lucretia Boredgia
@KelseyChapstick
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It’s West Virginia Day which means if you ever tried to mockingly imitate my accent in casual conversation, you owe me $1863
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My toxic trait is doing all the accents from What We Do In The Shadows for 72 hours after each new episode
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international women’s day challenge: Send $20 to your favorite woman today for all the shit she has to put up with the rest of the year, then don’t post about it online 🌻
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I may have had two vodka sodas, but I think hating on Dave Grohl is quite literally the saddest and lamest edgy shit metal people ever decided to do
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LINDA HAS BEEN FOUND. Thank you to everyone who helped and called and freaked out as much as I did, she’s on her way to my apartment to get her shit.
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My husband befriends everyone he finds with his exact name and keeps me updated on their life stories, and one of them is a juggalo in Minnesota who doesn’t think the moon is real
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The replies are full of “I get anxiety if ppl don’t text back” and I really want those folks to accept that it’s not everyone else’s job to coddle and soothe your neuroses on a round-the-clock basis
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I got to ask John Waters “what does transgressive mean in 2022” and he said PEOPLE BEING SMART
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Why yes I am screen capping videos from the We Love Racoons, Oppossums, and Wildlife! Facebook page at 3am again
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Father John Misty is Nick Cave for people who once wore puka shell necklaces but now just talk about bourbon a lot
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Metal heads are so annoying. It's either "I'm too TOUGH and DARK for the mainstream" or "wahhhhh the mainstream awards didn't pay enough attention to what I like!" Fucking make up your mind, you pisspant diaper babies
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Metal dudes on Facebook: "lol there are only 2 genders"
Also metal dudes on FB: "I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE CALLED BEHEMOTH BLACK METAL"
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I want to listen to your ultra-filthy underground promo, but I also want you to understand the importance of practicing to a metronome once a fucking year
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Dudes who unfollowed me on everything when they got a girlfriend and couldn't be friends with A Slut now hit me up to write about their bands like I don't remember the DMs they used to send at 3am
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Cucumber melon was the purity ring of body sprays. Real sluts know.
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Garth Brooks wrote an anti-racism protest song in 1992 after being inspired by what he saw at the LA Riots after leaving the ACM Awards and somehow conservatives who've been paying 3500 a ticket for his front row seats ever since never realized he was liberal? Great stuff
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Excuse this liar but Mothman was trying to warn people that the bridge was unstable
Isnt it kinda weird how here in WV we talk about Mothman as if he was friends with Santa Claus and the tooth fairy but in reality he’s a demon who destroyed a 2000ft long bridge and killed 46 people?
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@metaltxt
Stolen valor for those of us who have been satanically wearing Spirit Halloween accessories year-round for years
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Movies I'd rather watch about WV than Hillbilly Elegy:
-Flatwoods Monster-themed sequel to Mothman Prophecies
-doc on coal-themed dive bars & the ppl who love them
-footage from inside Justice's limo stopping at every Wendy's on the way from the Greenbrier to Charleston
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Started my period the day before the Slayer show so I guess we know who’s really raining blood, biiitch
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I've been periodically breaking down into tears for two days since Jasper had a lump biopsied but I just got an email from the vet, and it's just a lipoma. My dog doesn't have cancer!!!
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I heard Rage tickets were expensive so I’m offering a special for 125-200 where I come to your house in full latex and scream at you about your shitty politics while you drink overpriced beer and at the end, I’ll tell you you’re an ally
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A middle-aged woman with a speak to the manager haircut just called me disgusting when I walked past so I guess I’ve still got it
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Our roommate is unemployed and doing bike grocery delivery around the Upper West Side for cash since he doesn't qualify for unemployment, and on 50 deliveries yesterday, he was tipped a total of $15 dollars. FIFTY deliveries. During a pandemic. Stop being trash, people.
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Metal heads shitting on techno is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, like bro have you ever been to a rave? Oh no sorry I forgot you were busy headbanging to 35bpms at the ᖴᑌᑎEᖇᗩᒪ ᗪOOᗰ ᔕᕼOᗯ
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If Enya was from West Virginia her name would be Eny’all
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Confirmed: pop country fans too stupid to realize outlaw country star isn’t a blues lives matter bro
Conservatives angrily lash out at Willie Nelson for backing Beto O’Rourke: ‘I thought you were a patriot’
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I’m bisexual which means I’m excited for the new Deftones AND Carcass songs
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I live for men not understanding jokes. I drank in the glory of these comments and grew three inches. My hair is glowing. My eyes are sweet diamonds. My teeth are sharp like swords of war.
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Just spit on a guy who told me to smile so if I go to jail, just know it was completely fucking worth it.
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Just got off the phone with Dee Snider and he brought up abortion rights so I thanked him for making it a pro-choice interview and he said “ya know, Vice called me a gun-toting feminist!” and I was like that had to have been my friend
@GrimKim
and folks, it was
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You can take the girl out of WV, but you can never take the "holy shit can't wait to go to myrtle beach, get drunk, and play mini golf with my sister who is a 39 year old grandmother of 2" out of the girl
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Imagine by John Lennon:
•does not smack
•made by wife beater
•inspired awful celebrity video
•terrible hair
Smack My Bitch Up by The Prodigy
•not only smacks but smacks my bitch, your bitch, their bitch, etc
•inspired zero celeb videos
•great band, great hair
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I no longer wish to be young and beautiful but instead immortal and terrifying
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I would love to play it cool right now but I just got off the phone with Alice Cooper and if you could distill adrenaline into fuel, I could light Manhattan for a week.
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My two ex husbands joined the same ska band after I divorced the 2nd one, so none of my jokes could beat reality
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My husband, sitting in this bar wearing a cutoff sleeve Cannibal Corpse shirt with “submerged in boiling flesh” written on the back, two blackberry ciders deep: “maroon 5 has some bops”
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Like IKEA furniture
Tool released 'Fear Inoculum' one year ago today! 👁️ How has it held up?
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Just went to a Cindy Crawford event & scurried out after taking a pic w her bc I was so nervous, walked into a nearby bar for a drink, and someone just walks in & goes “oh I guess this is where the cool girls hang out” and slapped my arm and it was fucking Cindy Crawford
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Which hillbilly-fetishizing yankee from above the mason-dixon is trying to gentrify an already gender neutral word?
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UPDATE: The cleaning lady at 2A saw her picture and said she was just in looking for her bags, which means she's at least fucking alive so I'm heading to the LES to try to track her down. I'll delete the tweets when I find/confirm it's her!
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Dear the New Yorker, you should have hired me to write this and saved yourself the embarrassment of not understanding genres.
The German hardcore band Rammstein transforms hideous or troubling imagery into cathartic camp.
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Shout out to every man in my DMs saying nobody cares about Korn while Jonathan Davis' net worth is 50 mil and y'all are still trying to pretend tech death is revolutionary
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Is California actually hell
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I’m often humiliated by the reality that no one standing more than 2 inches outside the metal sphere can differentiate between me listening to Morbid Angel and a meathead who enjoys Five Finger Death Punch, and it makes me regret everything
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Every time some city jackass mocks the "twang" in my accent, my holler witch powers grow stronger and the curses I've cast upon your families infinitize
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Turns out Rob Zombie and I both have pets named Dracula, and they basically just screamed at each other over speakerphone for about half of our interview.
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In light of recent events, make it 30-50
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Weird, every small business I worked for had an owner with vacation property AND a lack of HR department so I couldn't report the sexual offenses committed on the clock lol
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A girl sitting across from me on the train waved at me so I took out my headphones and she showed me that we have matching four-eyed satanic goat tattoos on our legs. We both love horror, death metal, and have basically given up on Black Metal due to white supremacy in the scene.
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It’s a strange thing being too feminist for most metalheads and too metal for most feminists
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It feels weird to celebrate anything right now, but I'm really excited to start my new job today.
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I love listening to music I would have snubbed when I was younger and only wanted to hear metal for a long period. What a miserable little fucking shit I was. Anyway Yo La Tengo rules
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Today is my last day as staff writer at Revolver, and I'm def a little choked up. It was a ton of fucking fun, and I got to talk to so people I admire. Like, literally 80 percent of my dream interviews are behind me now. Also I learned way too much about Corey Taylor.
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Dad is gone. It happened at 11:39 this morning, just the two of us. It was the most precious moment of my life.
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What I wouldn't give right now to be screaming Panama with a bunch of drunk old rednecks whose only bridge between a holler and rock n' roll was and will always be Van Halen
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I know people are conflicted on how to deal with their awful relatives so I’d just like to announce that I have a deeply racist aunt having heart surgery today, and I hope that bitch dies
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Trent Reznor winning a CMA is a gift to all cowboy goths
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Thanks to
@KerrangMagazine
for letting me write about some of my favorite BDSM-themed jams from artists I love like Sisters Of Mercy, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Rammstein, and more. A very happy romance day to all the freaks out there ⛓️🖤⛓️
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Ice T retweeted something I wrote, I can retire 🔥
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The greatest feeling is when you discover a guy who used to call you a worthless slut is now a car salesman who tags 93 people in his horrible posts about the hot deals going on at the Beckley Ford dealership now thru July 4th
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I work from home 95 percent of the time, and not getting groped, harassed, glared at, etc. in public every day is the greatest thing that ever happened to my mental health. Sweeping generalizations about mental health based on one personality type and experience are absurd.
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you ever think about how nuns are just subs for jesus
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A man sent me messages for SIX YEARS on Facebook with no response, so today I said “please stop, I’m not interested” to which he replied “maybe you should do the same” and honestly that’s just men in a fuckin nutshell lmao
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My husband just came home with a bag full of presents for the pets and hurried into the living room saying "watch out, they can't see these 'til Christmas" 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
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Foreplay is just responding to each others' instagram stories until you fuck
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My favorite thing about turning 33 in exactly one month is now when I tell high school catcallers "I have abortions older than you," I won't even be exaggerating for effect!
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can't believe there are people who don't like Rage Against The Machine
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Absolutely heartbroken, but I hope she found the peace she seems to have wanted in her years after leaving the spotlight. "Goodbye Horses" will always remain one of the greatest songs ever crafted, and hers will be the story I was most invested in forever.
Q Lazzarus, the mysterious singer behind the cult hit "Goodbye Horses," has reportedly died
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We have been replacing one word in band names with “beans” and laughing for two hours
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If men are being applauded for fucking women size 8 & up now, I want a golden statue for every dick under 6 inches I've ever let near me
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