J*shua Turek
@JoshuaTurek
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comedian, viral video maker, and host of Turek Books Podcast with a new poetry book out!
Los Angeles, CA
Joined December 2011
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Ok Gmail why dont you just write the fucking email for me then if youre so smart
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My theory is Pete Davidson is actually dating all these children of the illuminati to find out what really happened on 9/11 to avenge his father
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Writers spend their lives trying to write a scene this perfect
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I dated an it girl actress who went up to seattle to shoot a movie and a few days in called me from her male costars hotel room after making him breakfast and I knew then my plant-sitting duties would be coming to an end
“I love when she calls me Top Gun.” — Glen Powell on Sydney Sweeney’s nickname she uses for him
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Does anyone else find it a little suspicious that Philip Seymour Hoffman dies and then all of a sudden this guy just appears
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The frame. The timing. The juxtaposition of generations. Symbolism of each activity. The hints of self healing with cold plunge in the wild sea. The sandy edge trudging along with companions its own self healing. The golden retriever as energy symbol, the friendliness of conflict
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Over the next few nights 1,000 National Guards will sleep in beds we said we didn't have for the homeless
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
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I was a part time nanny to two french boys in beverly hills in my late 20s and everyone thought their beautiful mother and I were sleeping together when really we’d just chain smoke her imported cigarettes and talk about our sadness on the porch after the kids went to bed
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The killer bodies of youth. The resilient bodies of old age. The perpendicular movements in crossing paths. The abbreviations and lower case lettering in opening text. The first word verb “doing” the humor of it the hint of eroticism the purity of nature
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If Succession went six or seven seasons I like to think dying in the submersible is how he went
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@natdogkatdog
This helps me understand that taking a picture is just a fun activity in and of itself damn
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Remember: any job can be remote if you dissociate hard enough
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@litdarkroom
I was too immature then to watch something grow from something that had died
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
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Also his response when asked about the 300,000+ dead Americans
“I didn’t feel a thing,” Pence says after getting his coronavirus vaccine.
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The most impressive part of Ocean’s 11 is that a 40 year old man still had that many friends who were able to get together
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We’ll know if he’s seen with Chelsea Clinton then the Bush girls next
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@CooneyOrDie
Hahaha you just take your lumps my friend (and stew on where you went wrong for years later)
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This is what every chef I’ve worked with *thought* he looked like
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Married the love of my life outside the Santa Barbara courthouse this morning then a few hours later swam in the Ventura river together
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As a bartender I know teachers shouldn’t have guns because sometimes they’re still drunk from the night before
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One good screenwriting technique is to make sure one of my parents is a famous filmmaker
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Shout out to Austin Texas for absorbing some of Californias most insufferable people youve really been taking one for the team and we want you to know it hasnt gone unnoticed
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Tim Heidecker doing his Bill Maher is funnier than Bill Maher doing his Bill Maher
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@chrissyteigen
Charity? Chrissy I can't even afford a midlife crisis
It is my birthday and I am fundraising my midlife crisis
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in your mid 30s every story you tell is "damn i guess that was like 15 years ago"
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Please allow me to expand on this thought for I am fuming
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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You’d think TikTok was an innocent child in the Middle East the way U.S. politicians came together from both sides to kill it
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Its wild how when my girlfriend is upset she will cry then feel better but when I am upset I will let the pain stay inside and die on average ten years before her
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Me and my LA friends carrying our emergency supplies for the hurricane
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This goes out to everyone who has the day off on this Tuesday
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Me spreading my addictive personality evenly enough that no one thing destroys me
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I need an agent. My dream is to play a tv doctor for 7 seasons then never be heard from again. Please consider
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Man I would be in such good shape if I could just lay off all the foods I love which are also my primary source of happiness and make life mostly worth living
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And anyone who’s ever worked a brunch shift knows I was jealous he was locked up and didnt have to deal with any of the customers
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There was good money in massacring the buffalo of the Great Plains until they ran out of them then all that remained were piles of bones
After Warner Bros took various cost-cutting measures including turning movies into tax write-offs and refused to pay actors & writers for months, David Zaslav’s 2023 pay package is now at $49.7M, a 26.5% increase from 2022.
(Source: )
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@GorchMcLorch
Using this comment as a blurb for my memoir, also anyone who agrees please follow me
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Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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Little Women is Elizabeth Warren
Parasite is Bernie Sanders
The Irishman is Joe Biden
Joker is Donald Trump
1917 is when they were all born
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Monogamy is a myth created by the city of Santa Barbara to get you two to drive up there for the weekend
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Trey Parker and Matt Stone spending 40 million dollars to restore a crazy themed 52,000 square foot Mexican restaurant outside Denver is the only reason to get rich
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Every morning paparazzi wait on my street to get a photo of Ben Affleck taking his kid to school but who paparazzis the paparazzi? I do
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It is my birthday and I am fundraising my midlife crisis
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Not my dad zooming in on womens butts at the zoo in this old family video camera footage I’m watching
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Is no one gonna talk about how one of the more interesting performances ever in a movie was by Sean William Scott in the movie Goon (2011)
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Jonathan Gold used to come into the restaurant I worked at a lot and he was polite and would say thank you when I set food down on the table unlike father john misty
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I got nothing to promote right now just love each other and smoke cigarettes together if youre young enough to do it then quit before it does long term damage
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Sorry but a guy mentally unhealthy enough to play football until he is 45 at the cost of losing his supermodel wife has exactly the right proclivity for self sabotage to be a good stand up comic
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You ever been with someone on an airplane with really bad turbulence and seen how much more they wanna live than you
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Happy labor day here is a recent video about taking the day off
This goes out to everyone who has the day off on this Tuesday
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If you are perpetually single, living in a big city wanting a significant other, find someone who drinks Starbucks every day, despite having so many better options, they choose the dependable straight forward mediocrity of Starbucks. They are ready to settle down.
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When I was a teen we didn't have tiktok so the only way to find out if you were attractive back then was to walk into an abercrombie and fitch store and wait and see if they asked you if you wanted to work there for minimum wage
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Its kind of wild how grief makes you into a whole new person and separates you forever from the one you were right before it
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Straight women conventionally find tall men attractive because they know statistically we live shorter lives so they won’t have to deal with our bullshit as long
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They say marijuana ruins your memory which in my opinion is one of its benefits
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You ever look at your romantic partner after a long day of mutual toil and think: we should both marry rich people and cheat on them with each other
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“Sorry you’re going through shit, can I give you an orgasm or something?”
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Government: aliens are real
Me: i’d kill to pay less than $10 for a burrito again
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I hate how social media controls the fate of so many artists these days I miss when it was in the hands of ivy league educated gatekeepers who rewarded whoever kissed ass the best
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This vibe was co-opted by “cool Christians” and still lives on today
What happened to these guys? Where did they all go?
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@Chamillionsoc
Yes
My theory is Pete Davidson is actually dating all these children of the illuminati to find out what really happened on 9/11 to avenge his father
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Spike and Denzel at the Lakers game on Oscar night are my kind of celebs
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Isn't it wild how in New Zealand their vaccine was just simply putting humans ahead of profits
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My neighbor planted a nervous breakdown garden in a sidewalk gap
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Some poor doctor at Walter Reed is gonna have to live with the terrible guilt of saving donald trumps life
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Here’s the first tik tok i made / volume on
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These arent “love handles” they are whats gonna sustain me the first two weeks after society collapses show some respect
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Conventionally we criticize older folks for driving slow attributing it to their declining reflexes but I suspect its really the wisdom in understanding where they are going isn't going to be any better than chilling in the car listening to the radio
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She looks like she’s on trial for war crimes against gluten
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Armed white supremacists were inside the capitol building today and many of them not even in police uniforms
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I’m not just a SAG actor protesting at the WGA strike I’m also auditioning to play the role of protestor for 100s of future showrunners
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Can we talk about how Emrata is the Lebron James of instagram she’s been serving since it began and long after her peers threw in the towel she is still at the top of her game nothing but respect
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I used to be a barista in the coffee shop Bob Dylan not so secretly owned in Santa Monica and it was very popular with screenwriters and some of them would come in all gruff like Hemingway and then you’d find out that was the guy who wrote the Brave Little Toaster movies
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It was two of us with our friend taking photos at the courthouse with the clerk officiating. Something about showing up to mark time together with ceremony, her eyes meeting mine, both crying at what we decided it meant for us, an unreal magic I’ve never felt, truly mesmerizing
Married the love of my life outside the Santa Barbara courthouse this morning then a few hours later swam in the Ventura river together
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