Ilayda Arden
@IlaydaArden
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It’s pronounced ee-lie-dah || 🇹🇷 🇬🇧 🇦🇺 || I do: Theatre, comedy, performance & writing || Cynically optimistic realist 🤷🏻♀️ || She/Her
London, UK
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I work in Leicester Square. It’s 2:25pm on the day of
#ENGSCO
and the square already feels like a biblical depiction of hell. A thread.
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I promise, you absolutely can’t predict the plot twist in this ad. 10/10, no notes.
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Creative ppl on twitter: don’t compare yourselves to people’s career updates on twitter- it’s just a curated image & can really get you down
Also creative ppl on twitter: OMG CANT SAY ANYTHING YET BUT IM WORKIN ON SOMETHING AMAZING SUCH A BIG OPPORTUNITY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE
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personally, i would love to be visited by 3 ghosts that very vividly and specifically tell me all the ways i'm fucking things up AND how i can make them better. 10/10 a service i would pay for.
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I’m watching Dame Judy Dench very sweetly, joyfully & politely lose her shit over big old trees on BBC1, and it’s EVERY BIT as delightful as it sounds.
‘Oh I say!’
‘My word!! How ever old is it?!’
‘OH ITS RIVETING!’
#MyPassionforTrees
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LADIES, it’s a full moon AND Friday 13th tomorrow which means it’s time to get WEIRD. Get your titties out, bless your vaginas, cast some freaking spells & enjoy piecing the hearts & minds of all your enemies with fear.
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like this tweet and i'll tell you what you were king/queen/gender neutral divine ruler of in your past life, and how you were overthrown.
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like this tweet and i'll tell you how you're gonna get cancelled in the future.
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Dominic Cummings could literally say 'everyone turned up to work tweaking their own nips absolutely wonked on acid & our plan was to lock the poor into wembly & let them cannibalise each other' & YouGov polls would still be like:
Con: 58% (+6)
Lab: 30% (-2)
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'Just as I read about the tirade of sexual assault women face daily, you creepily grab my arse' I say to the man on the tube
@EverydaySexism
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I quit my dead-end, time & soul-sucking job with nothing else lined up to go to. I am excitedly bricking it, cause I actually have no idea what I want to do with myself to make income (with the gentle acceptance that comedy is not likely to pay my bills for several years yet)....
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Hot take: People who say ‘too much information’ when you tell them gross or weird things about yourself, are not funny and/or adequately deep.
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Man in cafe aims loud sex comment at me. No one bats an eyelid. I call him out on sexual harassment. Everyone scandalised.
@EverydaySexism
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this opinion seems to have touched a nerve for some. thanks for sliding into my DMs to yell at me about why i don't know anything about comedy, really love getting unsolicited schooling from *squints at screen* people who neither write nor perform comedy.
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IMPORTANT: I was longlisted for both a stand-up award & a comedy-shorts award but didn't make it further than that. And doi, it sucks but it's also OK; I will continue to strive. Share ur failures as much as ur successes folks, life is not just an endless stream of achievements.
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Tonight I participated in a stand-up comedy competition. Didn’t win but that doesn’t matter to me. A year ago I couldn’t even say the words ‘I want to be *insert creative profession*’ without crippling shame. To be able to put myself out there AT ALL is a massive win for me.
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WE ARE PUMPED, this is an extremely beneficial decision from a taxation perspective. 💜
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Oh fuck it, like this tweet and I'll tell you which Tarot card you are and why.
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I just submitted a script for a competition & after spending the last 5 years of my life basically not knowing how or daring to put myself forward for anything at all, ever, this feels important. Who cares if I win, I did a thing.
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got my third ever teeny tiny comedy related payment today and even tho some might turn their nose up at it, to me it feels significant af so I dunno guys, blessed fuckin be i guess
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One group of English fans, already completely pissed beyond recognition, give no fucks: they wolf down donner meat & chips like it’s 4am on a Saturday in Southampton. Meanwhile, a Scottish group have struck up the bagpipes & sing a mournful song about a woman they loved & lost???
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The ghostly yells and chanting of hundreds and hundreds of men are whipping through the air, bouncing around all the stone works causing some kind of feedback loop, literally making it sound like the *sky is fighting.*
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Final note: I am *extremely* here for the whole vibe, I love me some football shambles… but thanks to all the gloriously tone deaf reply guys who took the time to tell me they didn’t understand that my notion about it all feeling a bit biblical hellscapey was… a joke.
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a comic i was chatting to on a line up the other night said 'sometimes this is just so fatiguing, and i've been doing for ages and i just feel like time is running out' so i asked them how old they were and they said 24, and i felt a piece of myself die.
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Monday blessings to you all. Let’s get straight down to important business, shall we? Like this tweet and I’ll tell you what kind of crisp you are. RT to also find out which celebrities eat you obsessively.
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Police officers line the square, unsmilingly watching over the carnage, adding to the general feeling that we are no more than 3 misunderstandings from a huge, unrelenting brawl of fuckening.
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It’s my birthday. Here’s a picture of me listening to the sweet sound of all the fucks I’m not gonna give today:
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Hoards of men are parading around waving flags, flares and, in one group’s case, agiant inflatable pigeon spray painted to look like a gangster??? Whenever rival groups see each other (which is every 3 seconds), they start chanting, barking or just making generic yelling noises.
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I’m on this list?! I am simultaneously off my tits with excitement & straight up intimidated to be up against some of the funniest, smartest, most dope women in comedy?! Congrats to all, it’s a thrill to even be involved. X
We’ve watched, listened, discussed, considered and finally decided. Now we are proud to announce the acts through to the Stage Award Virtual Heats of the 2020 Funny Women Awards! Check out who’s through on our website!
#FWAwards2020
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@standupmaths
@bechillcomedian
Remembering something stupid it once said or did and trying to fight the visceral shame attack that is coursing through its mind and body.
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My day job is in a casting studio & there is something genuinely hilarious about how actors attitudes change towards me when they realise I'm not actually the person they need to impress. They go from glowing smiles to bland indifference within seconds. GOD BLESS SHOW BUSINESS.
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I got wed. To
@Xander_edwards
no less. It was (and continues to be) lovely. Take note of and enjoy the heck out of the happy moments in your life , they’re precious af.
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Godspeed to all my theatre and comedy pals taking work up to the fringe. May your ticket sales be plentiful, your stimana endless, and your mental health iron-clad.
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Lord grant me the carefree confidence of middle aged dudes who go round adding literally anyone that looks like they might do comedy on Facebook, even if they have never met or spoken to them before.
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Today would have been my grandmas birthday. She was stylish as heck & extra as fuck - even into her 60s she was wearing lacey, semi-see through blouses with a glorious array of blingy jewelry. So today I dressed up real nice, just for her. 💜 you always Bulcay.
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Rain is pummelling the fuck out of everyone, and yet there is a gummy, close, stickiness and heat that the wet can’t cut through. IT NEVER COOLS OFF IN HELL FOLKS.
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Hit me up with your
@VAULTFestival
suggestions, gang! Interactive/autobiographical/dripping with magic vibes preferred. But I'm open to surprises and left-field stuff too!
#vaultfestival
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last night i went to a table read of a thing i wrote where afterwards lots of clever, talented comedy writers gently, astutely and lovingly handed my ass to me in the form of constructive criticism, and it was really, really great.
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Do you think Cummings couldn’t find a way to leave no.10 without the cliched spectacle of holding a cardboard box & being kicked to the curb?? This was planned. They want us to see this & believe he’s out of the picture. This is theatre.
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@BeardedGenius
Literally almost anyone other than jack black to play opposite Kate winslet or vice versa in The Holiday
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Might retrain as someone born into inherited wealth. Might then juice up that qualification by getting a certificate in nepotism & being oblivious to the way average ppl live. Then I’ll do some foundational courses in pulling the ladder up behind me & my cv will finally be 👌
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Morning all. Happy Monday. Hope you’re all feeling as refreshed and rested as I am. 🙃🙃🙃
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GUYS I JUST PERFORMED MY FIRST EVER STAND UP COMEDY SET AND IT WAS TERRIFYING AND BRILLIANT AND AMAZING AND I’VE NEVER FELT SO SIMULTANEOUSLY POWERFUL AND SO VULNERABLE GOOD GOD WHAT IS THIS MAGIC
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Me: wow, my 2nd moderna jab has round house kicked me into oblivion, everything hurts and I feel horrible and strange! Thank god I don’t have to deal with anything else on top of-
My period:
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Me trying to insert myself into a conversation with open mic comics who are already friends with each other at an open mic night:
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last day at job i've been at for nearly 8 years. all the feelings. cake for breakfast, candy for lunch, emotions for dinner.
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I fucking stood on a stage (on a closed set) and held a mic and told stupid little jokes and heard actual real life laughter from the 7 other socially distanced ppl on set and I now feel like I could sob unrestrainedly with happiness but also fight a shark & win.
Thank you
@PRVix
for quite the comedy experience this fine Thursday evening with a ruddy top notch line up
@CavendishArms
#SupportLiveComedy
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Happy international Ilayda day to you all!!! In honour of the fact that I am still alive & mostly well, I took this weird close up picture of myself trying to look cute. Feast your eyes upon it & rejoice in my continued existence. (TLDR: it’s my birthday bitchez!)
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When I was a children’s entertainer (common for actors), an employer asked me to be Snow White for a photoshoot. Day was spent discussing how I was too ugly to be a princess & how I didn’t even look like an actor cause my face was so...*long pause*...different
#ShareYourRejection
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Go and see
#Emilia
. GO AND SEE EMILIA. Take your sister, grandma, mother, cousin, your boyfriend & brother & every other person in your life who is a woman or who has known & loved a woman. The words of
@mogster
have been burned into my heart. GO AND SEE EMILIA.
@EmiliaThePlay
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Me to my friends: yeh, I’m good thanks, bit meh, but keepin on keeping! How are u?
Me to twitter: I am in the grips of the dark night of the soul; I know not who I am. My years of hard work have amounted to nothing but agonising mediocrity. I do not wish to loathe myself bu-
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This is a humbling line up to be part of. This coming Thursday, check it!
This is Thursday! Tickets on
@PromoteComedy
for a stellar line up on stage, brought into your homes / pub gardens via the magic of technology. Including ONE MILLION MAN
@Robbotron
Do not miss it
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Maybe it’s the fighting sky, or the sweaty rain or the men who have painted their entire bodies blue or red and who are now gently OOZING a trail of colour behind them as they squelch around the square… but people are fuckin shook.
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I just foolishly tried to go into several establishments around Shoreditch on a Saturday night & order a cup of tea. On the one hand, I get it, I’m basically an 80yr old granny. On the other, London’s inability to embrace non-booze centric night life continues to be a bummer.
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Just want everyone to know that I worked 2 jobs, did 4 stand-up gigs, applied for a bunch of opportunities, and came second in a pub quiz this week all whilst bleeding heavily & painfully outta my vag.
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hello today i turned down a hugely prestigious & tempting offer for something that i knew ultimately wasn't right for me & it's literally the first time in my professional life i've ever done that so i cried a lot cause it felt scary to back myself so definitively but also wow???
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And finally there are the people like me who work in the vicinity. Some smile as they navigate the chaos, clearly enjoying the festival atmosphere of tribalistic hedonism… others are literally RUNNING to try and escape the whole thing…
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WEDNESDAY MORNING TIMELINE CLEANSE! (Baby otter swims unaided for first time)
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Did a wasp write this
Wasps 'could be just as valuable as bees if we give them the chance'
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Right then, I’m off to the Outer Hebrides for a week to look after my noggin by doing some witchy shit with nature, writing some words & letting the mad views release some of the hjnwkdbrnnng that London has pushed into my bones. Commence low-internet mode NOW!
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I JUST BOOKED MY VACCINES AND DANCED AROUND MY BEDROOM IN THE SEMI NUD SINGING AND SUDDENLY LIFE SEEMS SO WONDERFUL AND FULL OF MAGIC AND POSSIBILITIES THANK YOU SCIENCE
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Anyway, I have the afternoon off so I won’t be able to give more details on how it progresses… I have no doubt it will be completely and utterly exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure. Come on
#ENG
!!!
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Got a galaxy projector for giftmas which has already broken. So glad I managed to get this pic before its demise:
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Comedians! How do you stop yourself from getting all up in your own head before performing? I am GENUINELY curious and would like to know! Hit reply/RT!
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No offence, but once I sort my mental health out & return from the existential void: it’s fucking over for you bitches.
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I want you all to know that we (bf & I) are cooking an entire Christmas dinner with all the trimmings from scratch in a kitchen that literally has less than 1 square meter of bench space. We will accept our Nobel prize for creativity/feats of engineering in the new year.
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TEAM MODERNA LETS GO!
(Unashamed to admit that 6 seconds after taking this pic I wept unrestrainedly about the goodness of humans & science & the NHS & the idea of being part of such a momentous event in human history)
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MY GOD PLEASE LET SOMEONE ON MY TIMELINE BE STILL AWAKE TO SEE THIS AND LAUGH AT IT AS MUCH I JUST HAVE
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I got told by someone today that I’ve gained a LOT of weight and that it’s OBVIOUS and REALLY BAD and that I really NEED to lose weight and like... sure, I’m tempted to be mortified but also... look at this amazing cookie dough I made the other day 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
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potato waffles for breakfast cause i am nearly 32 and in charge of my life
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Then I thought about all the men who wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes even if they hadn’t prepared AT ALL. So I said fuck it & accepted the spot. Was the set flawless? Nah, course not. Did people laugh? Sure! Did I prove something to myself about self belief? Absolutely.
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Yo I’ve felt dead inside on and off for nearly 3 weeks and then today I just ugly cried for like 2hrs straight and ngl think it’s done the trick, 10/10 would recommend
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In 2018 I didn’t:
- get engaged/married
- have a baby
- get a new job, promotion or start freelance ventures
- buy property
- go travelling
In social media world this can feel like you’re a dunce, falling behind your peers, but imo it’s ok to just graft for a bit, ya know?
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At the start of the UK lockdown I started reading Harry Potter & the Philosophers Stone on Insta-live every night to a motley crew of ppl in need of regular company, connection & joy. I thought we’d read it & that would be it....Last night, 7 months on, we finished the 7th book.
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Today we got creative with our flyering for I’ll Have What She’s Having
@AssemblyFest
. If you’re around George Square tomorrow morning, come find us for a free banana - start your day right!
#creativeflyering
#edfringe
#bananagrams
#whatsheshaving
@MsVictoriaBee
@jessicab0nnie
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Look, there’s no two ways about it, I was extremely cute in the snow yesterday. Okay?
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Guys I just love dogs and cats so much. Like they’re just there in homes and gardens with their tails and noses and they sniff things and boop them with paws and I’m like why you gotta be so great my little dudes? Thanks for being our pals. 😭😍😭
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Lemme tell you, as far as my outer world is concerned, I have little to show in terms of big changes, achievements, accolades or ‘growth’ through 2021. But my INNER world has undergone some of the richest, most transformative changes & achievements in its history. Happy Monday!
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Hi y’all, happy Thursday, you’ll be pleased to know I am still cute af. Tap for a surprise 💜
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So it turns out, I really enjoy MCing?? Who’d have known?! Cool, I guess.
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Felt cute, might delete later. (Translation: slowly, your girl is clawing & peace signing her way back to being lols)
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happy international ilayda day to all who celebrate 🎂 (it’s good to be alive)
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job descriptions that are like: 'u will THRIVE off stress! the busier things, the HAPPIER u are. 15 ppl are waiting for something & you don't bat an eyelid: u use ur SUPER HUMAN capacity to please everyone to just shit out DIAMONDS & keep them happy' can get in the fucking bin.
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Anyone got any tips on how to dress for that awkward phase between birth and death?
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Dear twitter I’m about to do my second stand up gig in 9 months & I feel so nervous that there’s a good chance I’ll throw up on myself and die on stage, here’s hoping that if that happens ppl find it funny rather than horrific ha ha ha
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@TechnicallyRon
The entire series just documents them tagging each other in relatable memes on social media
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I’ve never been more convinced of the UKs low-key drinking problem as I watch ppls posts about at-home festive revelry become increasingly uncontained. People are like ‘started the day with a flaming sambuca shot & half a bottle of brandy cause NOËL!! 🎄🎄’
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I was painstakingly shy & lonely as a child. My mum put me into drama classes; they transformed my experience of childhood. I suddenly had a place to be weird, to fail safely, to help others be their best selves, to play in a way I couldn’t at home, & to explore my instincts.
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i dunno guys all my pals are getting houses & married & pregnant & i just feel pleased when my tweets get more than 6 likes on them. Am I lacking in ambition or something?
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one of those pinch me moments, being the opener for this line-up 🙏
Huge thanks to all who came out to play last night, and particular respect and affection for our brilliant comedians
@Isysuttie
,
@IlaydaArden
,
@mitchelljones
,
@aless3g
, Abbie Clare,
@thecolleencg
,
@thatbaldyfella
,
@laurabeech9
&
@official_sam_c
. Much love, your MC
@RealLeslieGold
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And the Oscar goes to ME for my magnificent portrayal of ‘busy & important woman’ from when I was on my lunchtime walk & saw a dude I didn’t like from uni so faked a phone call about a surprise party I was planning that I maintained even after I realised it wasn’t him.
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alright gang, the padlock symbol is gone, i'm a public account again!! Time to go back to the big bad rollercoaster world of always trying to but never succeeding in going viral on twitter!!!!!!!!! BUCKLE UP
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