Phil Chapman
@IAmPhilChapman
Followers
5,708
Following
858
Media
4,458
Statuses
18,697
Comedian. Content creator. Linguistic discriminator. By replying to my tweets you consent to the possibility of being publicly ridiculed.
Joined March 2011
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
#2024MAMAVOTE
• 1483555 Tweets
Liz Cheney
• 582030 Tweets
Mazón
• 378127 Tweets
Diddy
• 298058 Tweets
#HappyBirthdaySRK
• 241250 Tweets
Christmas
• 209449 Tweets
#الهلال_النصر
• 125844 Tweets
taemin
• 58368 Tweets
Noroña
• 52325 Tweets
Alito
• 52238 Tweets
Hugh Hewitt
• 37574 Tweets
Thanksgiving
• 30540 Tweets
للهلال
• 30353 Tweets
فوز الهلال
• 29320 Tweets
Interlagos
• 21663 Tweets
Nuketown
• 19159 Tweets
Nuria Montes
• 19008 Tweets
Murillo
• 16025 Tweets
القحطاني
• 14054 Tweets
Drudge
• 13498 Tweets
تاليسكا
• 11346 Tweets
مستر فيفا
• 10476 Tweets
مالكوم
• 10040 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
Watch El Chapo survive an attempt on his life from the balcony.
A little snippet from my latest YouTube video. Link to the full thing below
14
19
336
Gordon Ramsay describing this apple pie to the lady who made it because she’s blind and was worried about how it looked is incredibly touching.
359
6K
49K
My daughter is called 'Wednesday is bin day' so I won't forget.
71
3K
6K
This actually happens in Liverpool every time a new Conservative Prime Minister is announced.
13
351
4K
Of course, in France, the storm is called Les Dennis.
31
422
3K
I'm surprised Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide; although probably not as surprised as Jeffrey Epstein.
22
509
2K
If I was in the police I'd identify every single one of those dickheads that trashed the Ikea and the ambulance then go pick them up on Wednesday avo and keep them in the cells so they can't watch the match. That'd be the real punishment.
35
306
2K
What do you think of the news about Eamonn Holmes facing a 250k tax bill, Meghan?
28
149
936
I thought all the coverage of the Queen was a little over the top.
Filmed at
@HWCCLiverpool
10
68
766
@exitthelemming
@petermcgladdery
they don't like it when you try to pay with notes from banks you've made up.
13
110
611
Lady tried to tell me what I wasn't allowed to joke about last night. Nobody tells El Chapo what to do
21
32
622
Here's a little joke I wrote yesterday about Prince Andrew.
12
95
545
Historical image of Dead Men Talking
Europe's tallest, fattest, and smallest man playing cards, 1913.
3
18
64
8
21
496
Told the waitress I've got hay fever and I don't like immigrants, but she wasn't arsed.
0
24
490
Scumbags should be enforcing the law not going to parties
Police in Greater Manchester attended almost 500 house parties last weekend.
215
266
652
5
90
405
Made the news already
Deadline day transfer! After a week of intense negotiations Freddy Quinne is off to Hospital FC - HERE WE GOOOO
115
3
264
5
10
405
Lovely that they've painted this warehouse in Warrington in solidarity with Ukraine.
6
33
340
That's a lot of beak
Gang jailed for £1bn cocaine haul hidden in frozen chicken boxes
5
1
9
7
14
333
I've just accidentally submitted 8 separate mp3s of me doing an impression of Harold Bishop from
#Neighbours
to the BBC Writers Room instead of emailing them to myself. How's your Monday going?
9
40
295
Pleased to announce I have achieved my lifelong dream that I've had since last Wednesday of becoming a German Techno artist.
33
126
303
Mines way more realistic
A traditional dish with a personal touch. See our recipe for authentic King’s Hand
290
4K
24K
0
8
307
He's accidentally tweeted this instead of sending it to his family's WhatsApp group
2
56
269
Over in Belfast for the day. These Just Stop Oil protests are a bit full on.
1
16
259
Swindler's Lift
Levelling Up Secretary Michael Gove trapped in BBC lift for around 30 minutes
465
266
2K
4
25
251
No
Just seen George Rigden in the Green Flag advert. Might have to change their name to Red Flag.
0
2
32
14
10
232
Used to be that Philip Schofield would pay more than your energy bills as long as you didn't tell his wife.
6
23
222
I’ve had a go
Macaulay Culkin backs calls for Donald Trump to be cut from Home Alone 2
633
386
3K
9
42
225
Just had some Trick or Treaters. Bit early. Bit old too. Dressed as bailiffs - not too happy with Haribos either. They’re still out there.
0
48
213
“Tell us if they’re brown so we can decide whether or not to smash up a vigil”
1
24
219
Wanna feel old? This is what the sun from Teletubbies looks like now
0
43
212
He leaves behind his beloved wife and four pesky kids.
6
42
188
First time he's put his hand in his pocket for anything
The first portrait of King Charles III since the start of his reign has been unveiled
364
187
3K
3
3
197
Tory-DUP deal is like when your mum never had money for ice cream but still sent you to the shop to get cigs.
4
119
192
Deleted everyone on my FB who sided with the government today. I might live in a bubble but it's my bubble and I've decided there's a no cunts rule.
6
6
194
Finally got round to decorating the house for the jubilee. Gone with a Prince Andrew theme
3
12
166
Imagine drinking so infrequently you have to Google the Offy.
2
14
161
So many people harping on about David Attenborough managing to silence the entire crowd at Glastonbury. Barely a mention when I did the same at Kendal Calling comedy tent in 2011.
3
3
151
No 10 have released footage from the party on December 18th, insisting Boris Johnson was home alone the whole time
2
34
154
Man: It's called a defibrillator.
Woman: I know, I'm a doctor. I used it to....
Man: It delivers a dose of electric current to the heart.
5
20
143
So it's ok for Tesco to sell produce from pretend farms... yet when I try to pay with this money, I'm "fraudulent"
4
139
148
Just had some Trick or Treaters. Bit early. Bit old too. Dressed as bailiffs - not too happy with Haribos either. They’re still out there.
1
47
126
As we approach the finale, some of you may remember I used to produce a clip show called Naughty Neighbours. Here's a thread 🧵of some of my fave gags. It all began with simply making them sound like they were swearing
#neighboursfinale
4
31
138
@hwgreenroompod
@JamieHComedy
@tonycarroll14
Just googled the music video and you are not gonna believe this
6
10
137
Couldn't have picked a worse week to start my submarine tour company
5
11
131
Freddy Quinne has just called someone a fat cunt at this gig.
20
3
129
Just thinking about that time Theresa May called an election.
0
37
123
FOOL your followers into thinking Twitter is down as well by tweeting this picture.
@TwopTwips
5
44
123
RIP Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of email. What a life. I take my @ off to him.
3
94
111
Can't believe they've gone through and back-dated these for all The Apprentice contestants.
#TheApprentice
5
42
107
MAKE an egg hunt more enjoyable by having your children egg Jeremy Hunt, instead of searching for chocolate.
@TwopTwips
8
90
117
"Feel like pure shite just want to kill poor people again"
1
15
108
Called it
3
4
116
🎤You've been hit by.... you've been stuck by... a war criminal.🎤
0
39
108
Rolf Harris is trending so here’s a little joke about him
0
18
111
The local kebab shop is on the brink of bankruptcy
One month of no alcohol, no coffee and no takeaways.
Kill me now.
23
1
136
2
0
109
Pleased to announce I am now the head commentator at Doncaster
12
61
100
They don't call El Chapo the rapid fire king for nothing
0
16
97