Ryan Cullen
@RyanCullen90
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Stand Up Comic. Co-Host of @absolutecuts & @obliviousclear pods. EDINBURGH FRINGE 24' 🎟️ in linktree below
Edinburgh
Joined October 2011
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Pinned Tweet
🚨 EDINBURGH FRINGE 24"🚨
Back with a new show 'Cullen in the name of!'
31st July - 26th August
22:15pm
Underbelly Bristo Square (Dexter)
Thank you
@DuaneDoogan
for the killer poster
Tickets 🎟️ in bio or on Underbelly/Edfringe website
Shares greatly encouraged
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Ok then, what’s one of the best. This is still one of my faves.
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Deep down inside me I want to believe that if I simply ran at that hard enough, I'd pop out in NYC
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Tryna convince the world you aren't a sex trafficker by buying the world most famous sex trafficking island
I will buy Epsteins island and put a massive plaque on it saying
WESTERN ELITES ARE HUMAN TRAFFICKERS NOT THE TATE BROTHERS.
Anyone got the price? I swear I will pay it RIGHT, NOW.
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No. He died in 1847. He'd freak out at the sight of a Supermacs. Hope this helps
Mick Clifford: Would Daniel O'Connell recognise the Dublin of 2023?
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Don't like Abortion? Then don't have one
Everyone wins. Debate Over. Mind your own business.
#ShoutYourAbortion
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"Ireland for the Irish. Close the Borders" - Cillian (Sligo town but currently residing in Sydney)
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Just opened fire on women & kids in Derry amongst many others you deranged fuckin clown
When the IRA were murdering people in England, we didn’t drop 2000lb bombs on Belfast because the terrorists were living among civilians.
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Clearly an inside Job.
Liz Truss is an IRA sleeper agent. Made her way to the top just to meet the Queen & took her chance.
Go raibh míle maith agat Comrade Truss
Tell me I'm wrong.
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Catholic Church are pro-life until you are actually born.
Then it's sexual abuse or left to rot in a septic tank.
Pro-life my arse
#tuam
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I can't believe this is real. I refuse to believe this is real.
You couldn't parody this well if you tried
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Can already imagine you outside the venue. Asking everyone in line "where you are really from?" with your wee camera phone in hand.
Fascist attention seeking wee gimp
@RyanCullen90
Hopefully, you're doing a show back home soon Ryan. Would love to catch up. I'll keep an eye out for you.
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Went to the shop just to buy bread for this
#StormEmma
. After I pay, cashier says "Have a good time"
Aye it's gonna be fucking wild. Me and my bread
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Aye there is. Boomers shouldn't be allowed to tweet
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Khabib is Scum. His entire team is scum. He's no champion. He's a coward.
Can't wait till he's stripped of that belt
#UFC229
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Exam Tip:
Bring a compass to Maths
You'll need it to puncture a vital artery once you realise you are a pathetic waster
#leavingcert
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Seeing tweets from Pro-lifers on the
#RallyForLife
saying that they 'Don't believe in Abortion'.
Just so you know, it definitely does exist
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This is a foetus at 2763 weeks.
Still think Abortion is murder?
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Love it when lads put 'official' in their username
As if girls are all "jeez I can't believe this is the official Gavin who works in Spar"
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Not a cell phone in sight. People just living in the moment.
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Feel like this lad was singing on the hillside when Michael Collins was shot
#LateLateToyShow
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Religion doesn't kill people.
People kill people.
If you use
#stopislam
to spread your hate, then you're as deluded as the perpetrators
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Can't even tell you how angry I am at all this
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"Here Son, take this…" *throws him a GAA jersey* "Wouldn't want you getting a girl pregnant now would we"
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Ryan Tubridy now teasing a small child about the brutal slaughter & ingestion of his favourite pet
#LateLateToyShow
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Somewhere tonight there'll be a Jehovah's Witness baffled that he just came home with a fuckload of sweets
#Halloween
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RIP Facts YouTube.
I’ll miss being urged by strangers to kill myself for my opinion on biscuits
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Just did a gig where someone threatened to beat me with an umbrella, someone admitted to burning down a school when she was younger and a dudes second night out after spending 18 years in jail
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Knowing your Ma is angry so you get your mates to come in with you cos ur Ma won't give out to you in front of them
#growingUpIrish
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Don't like Abortion? Then don't have one
Everyone wins. Debate Over. Mind your own business.
#Alabama
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In shock still. Again.
There’s things in life that you can rectify but this isn’t one of them.
Loads of us have done gigs at home & UK for people we shouldn’t have for various reasons & those reasons just aren’t good enough. Never where.
Time to step up now
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Hysterical that the EDL are so thick that they don't realise their Ideology is the same as that of Islamic extremists
#angrywhiteandproud
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Using alcohol to experience what other countries would describe as 'emotions'
#GrowingUpIrish
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Feel like 'Australian' should be a mandatory
#leavingcert
subject since that's where you are all going to end up
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Exam Tip:
Bring a compass to Maths
You'll need it to puncture a vital artery once you realise you are a pathetic waster
#leavingcert
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FUCKING SHERLOCK HOLMES ON THE CASE, LADS
Hmmm.
Who takes a big bucket with wires like that onto the tube?
This Parsons Green incident was not an 'accident'.
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When you think about it, Black Friday & Good Friday probably should switch names
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"How was the
#LateLateToyShow
?"
"It was cool until Tubridy attacked some kid in a wheelchair"
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Imagine the pandemonium if she just blew her head clean off live on Christmas Day
#QueensSpeech
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Incredible how Irish people seem to think racism is a USA problem only when we’ve Direct Provision centres on the island
#EndDirectProvision
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Which of these reasons do you feel is the best for going Vegan?
A) Survival of the Planet
B) Possibility it’ll cause Piers Morgan to descend into madness and/or jump off a real big cliff
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"Sure there's a bug going around" is used to diagnose every medical condition
#GrowingUpIrish
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Great first section to the show. Highlight for me was the little Asian shooting up heroin
#LateLateToyShow
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Say something in Irish?!!
*clears throat*
"Leigh anois go curamach ar do scrudphaipaer... na treoracha..."
#growingupIrish
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Exam Tip:
Bring a compass to Maths
You'll need it to puncture a vital artery once you realise you are a pathetic waster
#leavingcert
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Thank God the Orlando shooter had a gun for protection from all those people dancing & minding their own business
~
#SecondAmendment
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There are worse things than being single on Valentine's Day. You could be Piers Morgan
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We can post as many pictures of weddings, babies & new friends entering our lives but we all know that the best moment of 2018 was England being knocked out of the World Cup
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Disappointed with your
#LeavingCertResults
?
It's too late.
Your future is bleak, Your parents will divorve & nobody will battle for custody
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Refugees are coming for your benefits.
Those benefits include
1. Not being barrel-bombed
2. Keeping your family alive
#refugeecrisis
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*Me watching the
#BrexitShambles
*
My Brain:
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Me:
THIS IS FOR THE FUCKING FAMINE
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They should reshoot that 2007 Pepsi Ad.
Instead of Kylie Jenner handing a can of Pepsi over though, she absolutley lamps Tommy Robinson with one
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.
@piersmorgan
Don't understand why you all have a problem with me.
I voted for the Holocaust 😂
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Replacing President Barack Obama with President Donald Trump as is like replacing a brand new Ferrari with the Holocaust
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Can't believe it was 2016 that killed Carrie Fisher & not the heart attack she had
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If Winston Churchill is the the greatest ever Briton, I’d hate to meet the rest of you
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A good moment would have been during the famine
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On this Christmas morning, it's important to spare a thought for the less fortunate in society
Happy Xmas to all those in Cavan ❤🎄
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The phrase ‘losing baby weight’ means something very different when on a Hot Air Balloon
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I've had gigs pulled cause the Queen's dead this weekend.
Never ever laugh at North Korea again, some of you are absolute cretins
To think the Irish where laughed at for being backward. Fucking hell 😂😂😂
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"After shoving 800 babies into a septic tank, we believe the Catholic Church would be perfect for the new Maternity hospital" - Simon Harris
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I'd say i’ve spent like 3 years of my life fetching the cooking instructions from the bin immediately after dumping it
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"Openly gay son of an Indian immigrant to be prime minister, that's so inspiring👏👏👏" - Rest of World
"Cunt" - Ireland
#leovaradkar
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Ireland just won the Grand Slam in England. On St. Patrick’s Day.
O’Connell Street is going to look exactly like it did during the 1916 Easter rising
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“Explain to me how you don’t believe in God after this” - A Christian looking at one of its most famous landmarks explode into flames
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He’s learning how to rhyme. He’s getting stronger.
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"Snowflakes are ruining this country. Pathetic PC-crazed virtue-signalling hypocrites. These hysterical reactions are ruining our society" - someone who just watched a shaving ad
#Gillette
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Teacher?Don't want your students to find you on Facebook?
Change your name to Irish. Nobody could ever break such a complex security system
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BBC confused Conor McGregor as their own?
Must've been that whole draped in a tri-colour entering to Sinead O'Connor singing 'The Foggy Dew'
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Don’t want to be dramatic but anyone who calls today ‘Christmas Eve Eve’ needs to be waterboarded with boiling water
#ChristmasEveEve
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My Grandad would always tell us that if he hadn’t fought in the war, we’d all be speaking German.
Made no sense really cause he was in the IRA
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What the fuck is Fermanagh? Has anyone ever met anybody from Fermanagh ever?
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Gonna fill the name of a random lad off the FBI most wanted list & say he lives in the house.
Just to see what happens
#Census2016
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