Dave Longley
@DavidL0NGLEY
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Esse quam videri. Stand Up Comic. BUY MY BOOK!
Joined December 2013
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Written a book about what it’s like to be a stand up comic, giving the reader a chance to experience the decisions we have to make every time we gig. Kindle or paperback.
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Stop👏trying👏to👏get👏people👏arrested👏or👏sacked👏for👏making👏jokes👏you👏didn’t👏like👏you👏humourless👏fucking👏cunts👏
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Off to get my booster so I can feel rough for a couple of days. Hopefully that’ll stop me getting omicron as I don’t want to feel rough for a couple of days.
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Why oh why are we not rioting?
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The Queen was our only constant 😢
Unless you count the constant, massive gap between the rich and the poor. That’s pretty constant.
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I’m part of a pilot scheme where I won’t be paying any tax.
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I hope 2020 is the year people realise that comedians up and down the country say THINGS YOU CAN’T SAY ANYMORE week in and week out with little to no complaint from audiences that show up to laugh at jokes.
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“Wipe your arse with leaves. Hunt Mammoth. Wear animal skin. Have multiple sexual partners within the tribe without shame.”
How far back are we going?
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Remember when people would get a cold and not make out like they’d been at war?
Those were good times.
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So the only opposition is from within the party in power?
And we mock North Korea. At least they have nice parades.
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Yeah sex is good, but have you said “good afternoon” to someone who’s come into work 24 minutes late?
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Just working my way through the list of anti slavery comedians who’ve done the Dubai gigs 👍👍👍
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They’re telling us our heating bills will be extortionate AHEAD of time. We just sitting here shaking our heads.
Like a burglar telling you the date he’s gonna rob your house and you go out anyway.
GENERAL STRIKE NOW
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Inadvertently listened to the LadBaby Xmas song and I think I’d rather families just starved to death.
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Friendly reminder that American History X is pronounced American History MWAH
Friendly reminder Emily in Paris is supposed to be pronounced with a French accent so 'Emily' and 'Paris' rhyme
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The legend Bob Monkhouse is trending.
My grandad did some engraving for him. BM didn’t have cash on him so he arranged for my grandad to have a meal and two tickets to a show.
My grandad would forever say that Monkhouse owed him a fiver cos my grandad was an ungrateful prick.
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Seems like Jimmy Carr’s special wasn’t getting streamed much.
I bet it is now.
Welcome to the new marketing
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@arielhelwani
Weird. Everyone is pleased a fighter in the 170lb weight class is 188lbs the day of the fight.
They need to sort that shit out.
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Russell Brand's new book REVOLUTION, in which he argues that we should end capitalism, is £20 and available from all good book stores.
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They’re all on at least £79,000 a year.
Gave themselves a pay rise.
Good bunch. Trust them. Don’t forget to register to vote.
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As Brunei now has the death penalty for homosexual acts, I will no longer be staying in the Sultan's expensive, luxury hotels. If we act together, we can make a difference. Join me in my boycott.
#solidarity
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Lockdown has been tough on everyone. One thing I’ve found useful for my mental health is not recycling anything. Chuck it all in the same bin. Fuck it.
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Just won an online argument by pointing a spelling mistake my opponent made 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
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Lots of people who perform should get jobs. If we were obsolete we’d have to. But we’re not obsolete. The industry has been brought to its knees by an incompetent government,cheered on by people who’ve been terrified deliberately as part of a campaign to make people submit.
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Polite reminder that MPs have been on full wages this whole time 👍
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Words matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves, our language evolves along with it. Here’s how to remove speciesism from your daily conversations. Just because you're a vegan doesn't mean you can't be a misogynist.
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Woke up feeling rotten and I’ve got a gig tonight for 300+ uni students. Worst thing about being self employed is having to work when you’re ill. Got a stinking cough, high temperature and can’t catch my breath. Oh well, THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
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“Dad, why do we sacrifice a virgin every Thursday at 8pm?”
“It started with clapping and just went from there really.”
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State of this cunt
Our visit to this planet is short, so we should use our time meaningfully, which we can do by helping others wherever possible. And if we cannot help others, at least we should try not to create pain and suffering for them.
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I can’t believe Boris pulled out of the Conservative party leadership race.
If there is one thing he’s not known for, it’s the the withdrawal of his penis from a woman’s vagina before ejaculation which can sometimes lead to the fertilisation of a woman’s egg.
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Maybe this guy should Google stand up comedy. He didn’t make me laugh when I was eating my breakfast and I definitely didn’t have a good morning in Britain.
'I think it's not necessarily the case of millennials lacking life skills. I think it's a case of young millionaires lacking life skills!'
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Adopted this good boy 5 years ago. He went through three different homes. One bloke just left him tied outside all day. Our Larry is the best of dogs.
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That’s how fucked the system is. Everyone knows he’s a liar. Yet you call him one, and the establishment clutches it’s pearls and cries foul.
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Urgh. Day after St George’s Day is a nightmare. What am I gonna do with all this leftover bulldog?
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Crikey. Imagine how angry he got about his staff hacking into a dead kid's phone.
'Vegans and vegetarians - go and get your own sweets!'
@piersmorgan
isn't happy with the new veggie Percy Pigs... Have you tried them?
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Strength to all my fellow care workers today who are wiping bums, being attacked and getting low wages while trying to make it a nice day for those in our care.
We don’t get the ridiculous NHS hero worship but it falls apart without us.
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Comedians in 2019: Ceiling is too high and the audience are too far apart and aren’t close enough to the stage.
Comedians in 2020: LET US GIG IN YOUR GARDEN MATE.
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The real concern is people who don’t fully recover and get Long Runny Nose.
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Quite a few comedians aren’t telling the audience to “strap in” before the edgy stuff.
This is basic health and safety. Not advising the audience to strap themselves in makes you liable for any injuries which occur due to your hammer blows against the establishment and/or women.
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Imagine if he wandered up to you at a bus stop dressed like that and said “I’m the Duke of Kent” you’d just nod and turn away hoping he didn’t piss himself there and then.
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“I think it’s wrong for adults to have sex with small children.”
“Those are the views of Gary Neville there, NOT Sky Sports.”
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The “you can’t joke about anything” mob really don’t like it do they?
It’s hysterical. The blindness.
Be consistent ffs. Pretend The Queen was trans if it helps.
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If you wouldn’t break lockdown rules to smash into that Gina bird then you are part of the problem.
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@JackSlackMMA
“But then head IS on the body, Joe. The body of a man who grew up on the mean streets of Jamestown, Ohio. Started training in Japanese Jiu Jitsu at the age of...”
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Prince Philip was the entire reason I got into comedy. I am beyond devastated. Gonna curl up on the sofa in my blanket and watch Love thy Neighbour as a mark of respect.
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If you’re upset about Tom Meighan wait until you hear what John Lennon was like.
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November the 5th soon.
Peers begged for 'hardship fund' when Covid cut their allowance to £162 a day
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Just watched a documentary about comedians at the Edinburgh fringe and costs. It was good.
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Been struggling with my mental health recently. One thing that’s helped is I’ve stopped recycling. It used to stress me out having to sort everything. Now I just throw it all away without thinking.
Let’s put mental illness in the bin with the glass and metal and everything else
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Sign up whoever this 15 year old is for the 2024 Olympics. They’ve got a cracking left hook.
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I don’t know much about foreign affairs.
More of a virologist/statistician myself.
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HOW IS EVERYTHING STILL WORKING IF PEOPLE ARE RESIGNING?! ARE THEY JUST MEANINGLESS FIGUREH…
…ohhhhhhhh. Right. Got it.
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Advice for parents who are taking their kids out of school:
Let them do what the fuck they want. Have a laugh. It’s not their fault. School isn’t important, it’s just to get them used to being punctual and doing as their told.
WE ARE ALL GAMERS NOW
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I give moths in the house one chance to let me catch then release them. If they fuck it up I murder them.
Bees get unlimited chances.
Flies and Wasps murdered on the spot.
Thanks for listening.
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4 million podcasts now. Half don’t go past 3 episodes. 750,000 don’t go past 10. Made me really proud that Eddie Hoo and I did almost 200 podcasts from which absolutely nothing happened. Complete waste of time, money and effort. Me and Eddie no longer speak.
Chase your dreams.
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People who like fireworks in residential areas are paedophiles.
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This is somehow being shown as a “win” for the “comedian” yet all it shows is how low we have become as a nation. An apology and a handshake was all that was needed. Do better.
Lady tried to tell me what I wasn't allowed to joke about last night. Nobody tells El Chapo what to do
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About to DROP a 🔥🔥🔥 stand up vid where I ignore a heckler and let the staff deal with it. 🤣🤣🤣
Please like and subscribe to my podcast.
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This is great news. We must be fucking loaded. I bet mental health services will be next. Then the care sector.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson is due to announce tomorrow a £16.5bn increase in defence spending over the next four years in what is being billed as the biggest programme of investment in Britain's armed forces since the end of the Cold War
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36 minutes until lockdown is eased!
At the moment, people in your garden is dangerous and deadly. After midnight it’s all gravy!
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One thing I’ve enjoyed over lockdown is getting into plastic straws. They’re so handy!! You use them once, then just throw them away. No need to wash them.
Honestly, so good. 8/10
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“If you don’t wear a mask the virus could mutate.”
I’m not wearing one so it doesn’t mutate into smaller particles that can get through a mask.
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Had anyone remarked at what a tremendous shot this is? No wonder they won the title.
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I think this lockdown is the one.
This one will deffo work.
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