HumanityCritic
@HumanityCritic
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Throatchopper extraordinaire. Subscribe to my substack:
Virginia Beach
Joined August 2007
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Pinned Tweet
Nurse: I'm part Ethiopian, part Cuban, part part Dominican, part Panamanian.. Mom: Goddamn girl, that's a whole lotta words for "Black".
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A dude at my job stopped talking to me. Let me explain:
Said co-worker is my age(50), and he brought his age inappropriate girlfriend(20) to a work function. At some point, he lost track of her. So I said, "I'm sure we will all be getting Amber alert messages any time now."
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@SantoshSusarla
Thank God I was born with the inability to give a fuck. I'm truly blessed.
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I remember Hillary Clinton saying that after Trump's inauguration speech, George W. Bush turned to her and said, "That was some fucking weird shit."
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To my Gen X peeps: How many of you guys saw that Challenger explosion in class, in real time?
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@AshliGeran
I'm currently in therapy. I'll let you know when we get to the "when she was born, he was 30" part of our sessions.
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Kamala Harris is running a campaign that lifelong Democrats always wanted a Democrat to run. From her communications team to how her campaign refuses to bend to media narratives. Also, the relentless mocking and ridicule of Trump. It's a thing of beauty.
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For more witticisms from a 50 year old prostate cancer survivor who routinely uses his asshole powers for good and not evil..
Check out my substack
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Here's a hill that I'll always die on: "The Breakfast Club" was all white because Shermer High School probably suspended its black students instead of giving them detention.
Molly Ringwald on how
#PrettyinPink
#SixteenCandles
and
#TheBreakfastClub
would need more diversity if remade today: "Those movies are very white and they don't really represent what it is to be a teenager in a school in America today."
@MiamiFilmFest
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As a stutterer, I knew exactly what Trump was trying to do with all of the constant interrupting during the debate. Talking stutter-free is all about flow and rhythm, and breaking that can wreak havoc on you. Apparently Chris Christie knew this, and it's what exactly he...
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If you are a black person of a certain age, the words 'Motherfuck him and John Wayne" are a part of your DNA.
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@Novelite92
Nope. Besides, just because shes 20 doesn't mean that she was some kind of beauty queen. Also, the shit is gross.
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I will always contend that black Gen-Xers have the most eclectic music taste out of anyone. MTV wouldn't show black videos for a long time, and that's why Spandau Ballet will play at my wedding.
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@TrudeauStaffer
Well, when she was born he was 30. I mean, usually I'd stop there, but it seems like you need more convincing. lol
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@UnhingedSoupist
The knots people twist themselves into just to defend the right to fuck super young girls is hilarious.
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@neutrondrift
@TrudeauStaffer
My likes Trump his likes. I mean, you're co- signing a creep co-signing a creep. A viscous groomer cycle.
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.. intrstructed Trump to do. Now both of those evil pieces of baboon shit have covid. To say that that shit angers me would be a huge understatement.
Yeah, I think this is the part where I should end this tweet.
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I'm old enough to remember when John Cougar Mellencamp wrote a song about his small town without it being about the domestic terrorism of black folks.
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I followed a handful of what I thought were straight down the middle reporters.
This past week, I found out that a bunch of them are hacks.
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@CraigABrill
I hope you don't think you're the first person, or 25th, to point that out. Because that's weird.
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My friend's new girlfriend, by all accounts, is pretty amazing. He genuinely seems happy. He told me that last week, while discussing music, she very casually said "Prince is overrated."
I don't have the heart to tell him that his relationship is doomed.
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If you're on a panel with Van Jones and he gushes over this speech, punch that motherfucker in the face. He'll deserve it.
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@ChiefsWRsStink
If homeboy thinks I'm prejudiced, fuck em'. He'll be OK. He can wipe his tears on all the baby bibs around his house.
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I couldn't sleep so I started watching clips of "Battle of the Network Stars" on YouTube. There were folks like Gabe Kaplan, Telly Savalas, Kristy McNichol, Lynda Carter & Adrienne Barbeau.
The fact that I remember some of that shit when it originally aired makes me feel ancient
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@Most_8Ed
Such a well thought out, articulate point. The depth of the mind that constructed such a well crafted response. They should study your brain for science one day. Our society would be better for it.
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I'm glad that the Democratic party is finally coming together. Now, if we can only get Daryl Hall and John Oates to stop beefing.
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Someone gave me the "Three's Company" boxset for Christmas because I'm the kind of asshole who makes "Regal Beagle" references at work. Anyway, I'm about to do something that no one will be interested in: Live-Tweeting Season 1, Episode 1 of said show.
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As the checkout lady was scanning my groceries, she asked "Where does it all end?" I gazed at her for a few moments, thinking that she was asking me some kind of existential question.
Because I didn't put a border between me and the next guy, her inquiry was about my groceries.
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@NaaronAggler
No, I actually wouldn't. If I got let go from that godforsaken job, I'd see it as the most convincing piece of evidence yet of the existence of God.
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@LockeLoadredux
According to my math, you were 38 and she was 22. Not exactly the same as the age difference that I pointed out. Why you felt the need to tell me all of that is beyone me. Unless you want a pen pal or some shit. Do you want me to be your pen pal?
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I feel like the Harris campaign is scratching the proverbial itch of everyone who always wanted Democrats to start playing hardball with these motherfuckers. This is pitch perfect.
Our statement on Donald Trump backing out of the debate he already agreed to
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@MrSmirks
The fact that you equate sex couples, interracial couples, and couples of varying body types to a dude dating a woman who could be his granddaughter is...telling.
..
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I was today's years old when I learned that when Nice & Smooth sampled Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" for the song "Sometimes I Rhyme Slow" that she took 100% of the publishing. Damn, Ms Chapman wasn't fucking around.
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I turned 48 today. I gotta be honest, because of a misspent youth and early adulthood, I didn't think I'd ever be here this long.
That said, while I'm here I'll do my best to extend this journey and try to ride this motherfucker until the wheels fall off.
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I remember years ago on her website she called Michelle Obama "Shrek". She scrubbed that too. Roseanne Barr is a weapons grade piece of shit.
shouts to roseanne barr for scrubbing her timeline of protrump tweets before tonights awards tho
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A hill that I'll always die on is that black Gen-Xrs have the most diverse musical taste of all black folks because we grew up in an age where MTV didnt play black videos.(outside of Michael Jackson and Prince)
I mean, how else would I know about Oingo Boingo and Spandau Ballet?
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I'm an asshole.
A young woman at my job said something like, "Killer Mike is the KRS-One of our generation." In which I replied, "Yeah, in that they both love the sound of their own voices and you have the fact check half the shit they say."
That was uncalled for.
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I just saw someone refer to Shaun King as "Thief Sweat". Y'all are wild. lol
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Jeffrey Wright is one of the best actors out there. He really transforms into any role he plays. Also, he genuinely seems like a good dude.
The thing is, no matter how many Oscar-worthy performances he gives, I'll never be able to get "Peoples Hernandez" out of my head.
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I remember when people on here got all exercised because Hillary said that she kept hot sauce in her bag. Good times. Dickheads.
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Hey
@Jaketapper
, I'm figuring that that Michelle and Barack will be out in public again soon - maybe even enjoying themselves. I just wanted to give you a heads up so you wouldn't lose your shit the next time black people are seen publicly existing. Motherfucker.
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Van Jones is such a goddamn clown.
Sorry for the interruption, please carry on with your day..
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Whenever someone gets in trouble for something it's never for the racist shit they said. It's funny how racism is never a bridge too far.
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Some of the comments on this one. Whew. It's official, I'm on the "Men are trash" train.
A dude at my job stopped talking to me. Let me explain:
Said co-worker is my age(50), and he brought his age inappropriate girlfriend(20) to a work function. At some point, he lost track of her. So I said, "I'm sure we will all be getting Amber alert messages any time now."
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@james_stance
No one is hating, shit is just weird and I said so. Pearl clutching motherfucker. :)
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Ted Cruz is apparently riding with the President on Air Force One en route to Dallas. Man, Barack Obama is a saint.
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If you see Jeffrey Dean Morgan on the street remember he's just playing a role y'all.
#WalkingDead
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We're going to see how "boring" Tim Kaine is when he barbecues Mike Pence's silly ass in a debate.
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I remember when there were people saying that Hillary would be just like Trump. Good times.
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Now that I'm deep in my 40s, I've been on a diet of sorts - no longer punching people in the face for dumb shit.
Yesterday at work, a white dude tried to blacksplain Bernie to me on some "..as a black man, you of all people" shit. I was uncomfortably close to having a cheat day.
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I'd like to randomly give Jay-Z some props. Dude has a knack for playing with the rap style of the moment without adopting it wholesale and looking like an old man trying too hard to be relevant. It's both impressive and brilliant, really.
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During the Redman/Method Man verzuz, DJ Scratch mentioned that Meth had been on songs with Biggie, Tupac and DMX.
Which got me to thinking about all the artist's joints that I've heard him on, which begs the question: Is Method Man the most featured MC ever?
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Some younger men have started calling me "OG" and I'm a little uneasy about it.
I just don't think that I have the street credibility to pull off such a moniker. Sure, I'll smack the shit out of someone - but my real strengths are pithy retorts and homemade gout remedies.
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Today I dropped a Klymaxx reference to 2 black co-workers who are a little older than myself. They had no earthly idea what I was talking about.
Then I said, "Meeting in the Ladies room? 'Dont slap me because I'm not in the mood'? Nothing?"
This country is truly going to shit.
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Joe Biden is the kind of guy that would have your back in fight. If you were in the wrong he'd tell you after that shit was over.
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For the people who claimed that Trump was flanking Democrats from the left with his $2000 stimulus checks talk, I'd just like to state the obvious here: You're a goddamn idiot.
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This is the day that black Twitter informs me about every Wanda Sykes transgression since 1964.
Wanda Sykes Calls Out Oscars for Letting Will Smith Stay After Chris Rock Slap: ‘How Gross Is This?’
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@LetsHitAMillion
@SantoshSusarla
As an introvert, that's a wet dream to me. Keep saying that. Speak it into existence!!!
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As a stutterer myself, who really had it bad when I was a kid - I feel you. Also, Chris Christie is a vile piece of shit. But when I learned that he tailored Trump's debate performance to trigger Biden's stutter... Let's just say I better not ever catch that dude in the street.
No joke. I choked up thinking about this guy w a stutter—so serious that even before he was POTUS his photo hung in offices of speech pathologists, bc his story is so inspiring—this guy w a stutter delivered this speech. It was like a QB w an injured arm winning the Super Bowl
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Kids are smart.
This little black girl remembers me pouring the remainder of my candy bowl into her bag last year.
She seemingly waited for things to thin out before swinging by, then proceeded to remind me of what I did for her last year.
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A lady at my job randomly harmonizes at her desk. Today when she did it I started drumming on a table to add some percussive accompaniment.
Shit felt like I was stuck in an episode of "Fame". I kept expecting Leeroy to pop out of nowhere and start pirouetting his ass off.
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@z0inks_sc00b
@SantoshSusarla
Did cocaine just get a new nickname? If not, what motherfucker? lol
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Not for nothing, but a nap isn't a nap unless you wake up and don't know what day it is.
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Nina Turner said she wants Hillary to acknowledge the pain Bernie Sanders supporters are feeling. Get the entire fuck outta here.
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Jared Kushner reminds me of every role James Spader played in the 80's. Very high levels of asshole.
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Whenever you hear a Democratic candidate go on and on about "real Americans", there's a good chance that their campaign strategy is going to be centered around wooing bigots.
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#TheWiz
is on - which means that there are currently white people who want their country back.
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If I already didnt fuck with Bernie Sanders, having Shaun King and David Sirota on your squad would definitely seal the goddamn deal.
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An older black woman that I work with(Ms Gloria) remarked to me that a co-worker of ours was "built like a trapper-keeper". I don't know what the hell that means, but it didn't stop me from laughing for about 5 minutes straight.
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While motherfuckers were so outraged that Hillary talked about having hot sauce in her purse, racist ass Jeff Sessions is going to be AG.
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I'm rewatching "Ted Lasso". One of his players, departing, says "Cheers" to Ted and he responds with "Night Court". I didn't catch that before but shit like that is why I love that show.
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I watched a piece of the WH press briefing where Sarah Huckabee-Sanders wouldn't let Hallie Jackson ask her 2nd question, went on to the next person, and he relinquished his opportunity and let Jackson ask her question.
To quote, Tenacious D, "That's fucking Teamwork!"
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Number 1, I love the slow count. Number 2, what he purchased makes me want to cash app his family my next paycheck.
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People say that forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for you - and that's something that I totally respect. That said, I may not care for myself all that much because some people can eat a dick forever.
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I told liberals resistant to Hillary Clinton to look at the big picture. Welcome to the big picture.
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@DrStrangelove34
You seem pretty worked up. Relax. No one is going through your hard drive. Everything will be OK. :)
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I saw a story where a black dude was about to deliver some stuff from Lowes, but when the woman specified that she didn't want a black man in her house Lowe's obliged and tried to send a white delivery guy. That white dude refused to make the delivery. Now THAT'S an ally.
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He IS the President, you fucking douchebag. RT
@realDonaldTrump
Obama is now standing in a puddle acting like a President--give me a break.
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I want to sincerely thank everyone for the well wishes concerning my prostate procedure. I truly appreciate it. The surgeons seemed happy with how everything went, so there's that. Hopefully all the cancer is gone, and that it didn't severely affect, um, dick stuff.
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